I think it's a cultural thing Plink. Up until the 60's the attitude was that parents had absolute control over their children - they could hit them, teachers could hit them, and the main thing was to keep them in line. It's only recently that society has started to recognise that children need more than just a home and discipline and that a cold unloving upbringing can have long term consequences.
I was really interested to read recently about Truby King, a doctor in the early twentieth century who believed that cuddling children spoiled them and that strict routine was the best way to make children into good citizens. His ideas were very very popular and I think a lot of our parents would have been brought up that way - left out in the garden for hours on end to cry, very limited human contact, no night time feeds etc.
I genuinely think that approach bred a few generations of adults with stunted emotional intelligence. I don't think a lot of parents started out not loving their children, I think the pressure they felt not to connect with them in a physical, loving way stopped a true bond from developing and led to an abnormal relationship. I mean, a mother's strongest instinct is to be close to her baby, to stop them from crying, to feed them and hold them. If they're told by "experts" that they can't do any of that - that they must detach from them and let them cry endlessly, see them hungry and unhappy, that must have an effect, surely? I know my MIL was affected by it. She dearly loves her sons but was under pressure when they were a baby to develop a "routine" and not to "make a rod for her own back" by cuddling them too much. She comments endlessly on how close and loving I am with my DS (in a positive way) and I can see that she deeply regrets not just enjoying her babies. I think a lot of older women must feel that way. It's very sad.
I don't know if the same thing is true with my mother. I suspect not. I think she is just naturally cold. She talks a good talk, like I said, and says all the right things about DS but when it comes down to it she doesn't have that same visceral connection to him that MIL has. When MIL is around him you can see how much she loves him, it glows out of her. My mother is amused by him, thinks he's cute but doesn't respond to him in the same way. I just don't think she's capable.
Anyway, my original point was, it's going to take a long time for the idea that the family is a sacred, private unit to wear off. Understandably, all parents are very wary of being criticised - they don't want anyone to say that their parenting is wrong or abusive, and so they're reluctant to criticise anyone else. Also, I think when people see a child is struggling they're really not sure what to do about it - they just throw up their hands and say how sad it is. Clear guidelines should be put in place for all adults to know what to do if they suspect abuse. There are very clear policies for professionals, but none for friends and relatives who have much more opportunity to see what a family is really like behind closed doors.
What a ramble! I've been painting the kitchen ceiling so I'm high off the fumes!!