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Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

999 replies

CailinDana · 19/03/2012 12:51

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 25/03/2012 00:00

Yeah, dotty, that is supposed to be why they sell so well. Quite a thought, eh :(

I read a few chapters of "A Child Called It" and my reaction was - is that all?
So I guess there's quite a good reason for not remembering. I've avoided misery lit since then, but perhaps I should learn from you and take another look.

SkinnedAlive · 25/03/2012 00:23

Like garlic I read a few and thought the writer didn't have it so bad - but maybe that is jelousy on my part as what may very deeply affect one person and ruin a life, can have little affect on another, so its very unfair to judge.

Maybe we should all get together and write our own. A chapter each. Pay for the help the NHS and society won't/can't give us and donate the rest to charity.

PlinkPasta · 25/03/2012 00:23

GarlicButter, that's kind of why I posted, I don't think what happened to me was as serious as has happened to others. It has however affected me.

Other people might justify the experiences as nothing if they aren't as serious as someone elses. Thats what I struggled with, I just didn't think it was serious enough but I was a 2nd victim, if he wasn't dead my testament might have helped bring more justice for others he abused.

dottyspotty2 · 25/03/2012 00:37

I purposely got some really extreme ones to reconsile myself told my counseller which ones I'd read she didn't think it was something anyone could compare themselves with, the only reason I think there saying mine was severe is the age I was can't think of any other reason.

PlinkPasta · 25/03/2012 02:02

Dotty, to me your abuse is severe because you were under the guise of being loved and manipulated into it.

Other peoples because it was continual, I have just realised the second person I disclosed to was my mother and she said it was nothing.

I was worried by posting here that someone might write using my words for their profit though.

PlinkPasta · 25/03/2012 02:19

I haven't read any misery lit, avoid books with any kind of sex, can't watch films or tv with sex or violence, gloss over sexual references, avoid violence, fights.

I'm off now, night

Original poster
CailinDana · 25/03/2012 07:32

Morning all, hope you all had a good night, or as good as possible anyway.

OP posts:
Neuehausfrau · 25/03/2012 08:01

Hi pixie - yes i know for certain it went on as the police arrested him and we never saw him again but i just don't remember any of the details. I only have two memories really one of telling my mum and the other of being examined in hospital which still makes me feel sick.

Worryingly later on he had more kids, i don't understand how that can be allowed when he was banned from going near the children he already had. Why is nobody protecting those children?

Neuehausfrau · 25/03/2012 08:08

When i recently when to the GP i glimpsed at the computer screen and under my details in big glaring letters it said - Victim Of Sexual Abuse - this really upset me i don't need reminding of it and i certainly don't want every health professional knowing. Can i get it removed do you think?

Original poster
CailinDana · 25/03/2012 08:10

Wow it must be really unsettling to see that on the screen Neue - I would imagine it's very prominent so that the GP can't miss it, in case you need an examination or referral, they can be sure to take it into account. I'm not sure if you can have it removed. Would you feel up to mentioning it to the doctor the next time you visit?

OP posts:
Neuehausfrau · 25/03/2012 08:22

Hi Cailin, yes it really upset me when i saw it. I don't know if i have the guts to mention it, i'm pretty embarassed and now i wonder if they are judging me everytime i go for an appt. I can really see why it would be relevant after 25 years. I guess i need to say something.

Original poster
CailinDana · 25/03/2012 08:26

Perhaps you could write a letter?

OP posts:
Neuehausfrau · 25/03/2012 08:32

Yes that's not a bad idea, thanks.

TOTU · 25/03/2012 08:53

Morning Cailin and all others.

Neuehausfrau that must be very upsetting to see. How awful. We get stuck with so many labels - "depressive", "attempted suicide". I think the doctors have to be aware of this type of thing as it may affect our behaviour, and receptionists also need to be aware as it may persuade them to give you an appointment instead of turning you down.

But...I hate my labels.

Like Cailin says, perhaps write a letter. It's not a reminder you need.

Original poster
CailinDana · 25/03/2012 08:58

I don't mind my depression being on my notes (though it isn't prominent on the screen). What I do mind is HCPs being all coy and twee about it, especially midwives. They don't actually say "Well you've had depression before so we're just going to make sure that you don't suffer again," which would be fine by me. They say stupid things like "Well considering your illhealth in the past..." and such euphemistic bullshit as if I'm going to burst into flame if they mention the word "depression." In fact the first time the midwife said the "illhealth" thing I got a fright wondering what might be on my notes - did I have a smear test that came back with something worrying that I wasn't informed about? It took me ages to winkle from her that she meant depression, she never actually said the word. Way to make me feel like a freak, idiot.

Only one GP just said directly to me "I see you've had depression, how are you feeling these days?" which was refreshingly direct and unembarrassing.

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 25/03/2012 08:58

I actually don't know if the abuse is on my notes. I did mention it the GP when I sought counselling but I don't know if she recorded it.

OP posts:
TOTU · 25/03/2012 09:12

Cailin I'm the opposite. I just don't like to be reminded of what conditions I've had. If my GP had said "I see you've had depression...." I would have been upset that he reminded me of it. I wear my heart on my sleeve so to speak and can be very fragile.

Another case of burying my head in the sand perhaps?

Interesting.

Original poster
CailinDana · 25/03/2012 09:16

To be honest TOTU I'd rather they didn't mention it either, but if they're going to mention it, I'd rather they were just direct rather than tiptoeing around me and acting like I'm going to shatter into a thousand pieces. I'd rather the default was that I was happy and ok, rather than that I am on the verge of cracking up, which is what some HCPs seem to assume if they see the word "depression." What I found refreshing about the GP was that she said it in exactly the same way as you would say "Oh you broke your foot before, does it give you any trouble now?" Just normal, no head tilting and silent looks.

OP posts:
jasminerice · 25/03/2012 09:17

My GP seemed to recoil when I mentioned I'd been abused and that was the reason for my breakdown. She clearly didn't want to know. But I'm used to people like that, who want to pretend child abuse doesn't actually happen in real life.

Original poster
CailinDana · 25/03/2012 09:25

A counsellor did that with me jasmine.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 25/03/2012 09:35

My abuse was documented years ago by a gp I confided in I've mentioned it throughout the years, but when I went in October and poured my heart out about what I'd done and gave full details she actually asked my permission to document it What bothers me more was the attitude of the pharacist who filled my last prescription she asked if I wanted it to be put on order regularly told her I was having to see gp every month because of why I was on it but she was sort of pushing me to give her reason I was on AD's didn't like that at all made me feel totally uncomfortable.

jasminerice · 25/03/2012 10:04

dotty, that was completely out of order of your pharmacist.

God it makes me angry to think about all the extra shit we have all collectively had to put up with as well the abuse. This is why I have drastically cut down my circle of friends and family. I've got rid of all the tossers quite ruthlessly. Haven't always been like this. I spent most of my life accepting being treated like shit by all and sundry probably because that's all I knew.

TOTU · 25/03/2012 10:23

Obviously it varies from doctors to doctors and counsellor to counsellor.

I mentioned my sexual abuse to one counsellor and she just glossed over it, and focussed (sic?) on how my ex-husbands hoarding habits had affected me instead.

She even drew up a schedule to clear the house?! (He left without taking all his crap with him so I had to deal with it).

Thankfully, after that I saw someone far more helpful.

dottyspotty2 · 25/03/2012 10:37

TOTU that's bloody terrible I was basically told to slow down by mine I was carrying on as nornal 2 or 3 weeks after doing it I decided to decorate the hall and stairs had so much energy I did it in 2 days was up until 3 in the morniung but boy did I crash afterwards was awful I'm now learning to lusten to my body.

MouseyHousey · 25/03/2012 11:25

Pixie, I posted earlier up on the thread. Around 16/17 I knew something bad had happened to me as a child but couldnt remember any details. A year or two later I had a feeling it was to do with my grandfather and vaguely remembered having to sit on his lap and feeling very uncomfortable. I still didnt remember any real details but after he apologised to me it became a lot clearer in my mind. I now remember what happened but couldnt tell you what I was wearing that day or where the rest of my family were. I still dont know how often this happened and I definitely feel like there is still stuff I dont remember yet. As a pp said as well I hardly remember any of my childhood, only facts. I can only clearly start remembering things from about 13 and thats when we moved country.