Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

I think when someone grows up in an unloving, uncaring environment it is pretty natural for them to look for care and affection anywhere, even if it comes with abuse. You blame yourself for what happened when you were 14 antsy, but really you weren't to blame. I know me saying that probably doesn't mean a thing, but just be aware that no one looking at it from the outside would ever blame a 14 year old for being targeted by a 34 year old. All they would think was that the 34 year old was a sick fuck and the 14 year old needed to be helped and looked after. I wish some kind hand could have taken yours when you were 14 and led you to safety.

My "relationship" with that French student frightened me so much that I just shut down as a teenager, I had no contact whatsoever with boys/men until I was about 17. In a way that "saved" me from having abusive relationships, because I'm almost definite that if I hadn't shut down then I would have gone the opposite way - I would have had a relationship with anyone, no matter what they were like. When I was 17 I was in a relationship for a while with an older guy who seemed nice. I told him about the abuse and he was really really supportive for a while, then eventually he raped me. It was just pure luck that I met my DH when I was 19, because otherwise I would have had a lot more of that I think.

I am pretty sure my mother knew about my abuse too dotty. When I mentioned it to her when I was about 18 she didn't seem shocked at all, and she didn't ask who it was. I just cannot understand how a mother could know that and never try to help. When I did actually tell her she just brushed me off, she didn't want to know at all.

I've never confronted my mother about the abuse, but I'm certain she knows and I've no doubt she has done damage control within my family to ensure if I ever do talk about it they will think I'm a hysteric and liar, unfortunately because of the way I behaved when I was young, I've set myself up for that label, but I don't actually care about what they think, I've nothing much to do with any of them.

One of the counsellors I saw actually said he thought no good could come from telling my mother, given what I had told about her he thought it would do more damage.

I know that it want my fault in my head calina, it's my wart I can't reconcile with, I think back to then and how desperate I was for some affection and love, it makes me hate myself for how disgusting and desperate I was, I should have been stronger, but I know I had no idea about what good looked like, about what men were actually like rather than the perverts I had experience of.

I did I down the path of self loaning, meeting unsuitable people that I hated almost as much as I hated myself, until I met my daughters father, who although is my best friend now, which is testament to him as a person, I basically tore apart, I destroyed anything good we had between us with my anger and hatred, all culminating in my breakdown.

If that had not happened I would still be in that circle.

I still have contact with my mother but I despise her and me even more for that being the case.

This spell check has gone nuts, it should have read its my heart I can't contend with, I don't have warts

I think your counsellor is right about not telling your mother antsy. For me, the abuse has faded quite a lot, but the pain of my mother just not caring, saying I should get over it and that I was trying to make her feel guilty, will probably never go away. In some ways I think of it as the final bout of abuse that I suffered. I will never let someone treat me like that again. It took me a long time to get to that point though, I went back for more and more rejection from my mother for years. I am very annoyed at myself for doing that but I can forgive myself I think.

I still have contact with my mother, in fact she's coming over to visit next month. We are very civil to each other, and she is good with DS. It is too hard for me to cut her out completely, particularly as it would make life very difficult for my younger sister, whom I adore. Seeing her a few times a year is fine, I can manage it.

She's just to fragile to deal with it, she already has my siblings walking on eggshells about upsetting her... It's crocodile tears, her way of avoiding blame is to torture herself about how terrible it is for her, and frankly, I'm not going to have my experiences taken over by her, it would be her who had been abused not me, iyswim.

I'm sorry your mother is the way she is, you deserved and deserve so much more.

Your mum sounds very much like mine in the sense that she makes out everything is so terrible for her. When I was depressed it was blatantly obvious that she actually enjoyed having something "bad" happening to her so that she could moan about how awful her life was. She used to tell me how hard it was for her, I was the one who was fucking depressed for fuck sake!

I kid myself that I don't feel anger towards her but to be honest if I saw her now I would have to restrain myself from punching her in the gob. And yet, at the back of all that, all I wish is for her to be a real mother :(

Bump

The first time I met my stepfather he came for tea. I was 10. After tea I was talking to him, he grabbed me by the wrist and yanked me downwards. It was so quick I fell, then he punched me in the leg so hard I started crying.

He told me it was because I was obnoxious. My mother and siblings were there. My mother told me I deserved it.

She had money, he was an alcoholic. He convinced her to buy a pub, send one sibling away to school, the other to relatives and keep me.

:( Plink.

How could a mother let a man do that to her own children?

Not long after getting the pub he started beating my mother. All I knew was her waking me up at night because he was nasty drunk and running away to someones house to sleep on the floor, sneaking home in the early hours of the morning.

The first and last time I tried to comfort her when she was crying she pushed me away and told me just to shut up. I couldn't help her, I didn't know what to do.

Of course you didn't. She was the adult, she was the one who should have dealt with the situation.

Simple things I'm still finding really hard went for my weekly shop today use music and earphones to cope with it went to pieces at the checkout all because some of bags had holes in and stuff fell out cashier asked if I was ok of course I never tell the truth but folk aren't stupid. Ended up crying in the car on way home felt so stupid that I can't deal with everyday situations still.

Pp that's absolutely awful he had it in for you from day one you where just a little girl.

Dotty :( Sorry you had such a hard day. Other people won't see you as stupid, they will just wonder what's wrong and feel sad for you.

I escaped into reading, writing, the outdoors and music, often sleeping by the river, I had my own little den in a bush I would hide in.

All the kids would come home for holidays. It was great. I was second youngest. My sibling would pinch and twist my skin when we were sleeping, if I complained I had to sleep in with his daughter, she used to give me "chinese burns", rubbing her hands around my wrist til it burnt, and "the typewriter", sitting on top of me, typing on my chest then smacking my head.

How did he treat the others PP, was you singled out for abuse.

the kitchen was long and very narrow, one exit, I was at the end, he came in, blocking the exit, drunk.

All I can remember is him lunging at me, knocking the wind out of me, lifting me up by the throat, pinning me against the sink, shoving his hand in my pants and his fingers in me. I was 12.

I sorry you have to read that, I don't know how long it lasted.

I feel sick so I'm off to calm down and enjoy the sunshine.

I am so sorry you have to read that.

Some of you cannot remember the abuse you had, I wish I couldn't. My sister and I shared a room and dad like both of us to be there to service him so we have more to remember I suppose? We didn't always understand what he wanted us to do and he just loved to explain it to us. We left together when I was 18 and my sister was 17 and we have never been within 50 miles of where we used to live. The last few years the hate I had for them has started to go away a bit but I will never want to see them or speak to them.

dotty, no, he smashed his sons head off a wall once, I found out he raped his daughter continously, hospitalised his first wife and my mother.

He was frequently arrested, charged and sent before a judge.

He was always sent home, my mother and his first wife were always to blame for winding him up.

Don't be sorry Plink. I know it feels like you're inflicting something terrible on us, that's the way I feel when I talk about what happened to me, but we're here to support you, and we don't want you to edit what you say. Sometimes saying it all, details included, out loud can be a huge step towards lessening the power it has over you.

What you described sounds incredibly scary. I am so sorry it happened to you.

1980, are you still in contact with your sister?

No CP in our day I told my first counseller in November through floods of tears that if I'd been born 10-15 years later someone would of protected me she said no you where born into the wrong family. I always said it was only ever sex between him and me but he must of touched me as well as the last day he tried it on he tried to put his hands inside my pants the sad thing is I still didn't know it was wrong I only pushed him away because I was on. When he stopped I used to hurt myself by inserting objects so he must of used other things on me otherwise why would I have done so. I never actually said I hated him until December we where never allowed to use the word hate as it was to strong a word.

I have to agree with your counsellor dotty :( I was brought up in the time when CP was really coming into force and not a soul noticed what was going on with me. My mother knew about it but couldn't be bothered to do anything, I wasn't worth it. In a more normal family it would never have happened in the first place, or at least when it first happened it would have been stopped.

It would of been with me though as I was hospitilised at 12 they would of had to report that. Yes it had been going on for years but he could of been stopped and perhaps I could of had counselling to prevent 30 years worth of pain.