Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

I totally agree dotty, it should have been stopped. I don't know what it was like in England but I know up to the 80's in Ireland there was very much a "turn a blind eye" attitude to child abuse. There is scandal and horror now about how many priests and brothers abused children but the truth is everyone knew about it, it just wasn't talked about or stopped. That was partly due to the fucked up attitude towards sexual matters that Catholicism creates.

CailinDana - I see my sister every week. She lives in the same town as me. Im sure she doesn't have anything to do with the rest of the family.

I'm having quite a hard time today. It's been a gorgeous day, DS has been incredibly cute and lovely but I just can't connect. I feel doped up or something.

I think DH knows something is going on with me, he's been quite clingy the last few days. And of course because I'm not feeling right I've been distant which makes him worry more.

I suppose I should talk to him but I really don't want to upset him. It's a long time since we've talked about all this.

Cailin it wasn't until around 86/87 when the Cleveland scandal hit that anyone took notice of child abuse that was just the start we moved to Scotland early 86 was far to late for me. I know far to many people in RL that have been abused including my DD2's(16) friend it happened once to her when she was 13 and he was swiftly brought to justice. I was brought up on a catholic family and the attitude by my parents to sex was it didn't happen however my friend who was abused as was her sister by their grandfather was brought in an Irish Catholic home yet sex was talked about matter of factly her mum is more of a mum to me as was her dad.

Do you think you've made a mistake starting this thread Cailin x

No, definitely not dotty. I'm really glad I did. It has been tough going but tbh I would be having a hard time with or without this thread. At least with this thread I have somewhere to talk about it. Talking to other people makes me feel like I'm doing something positive too, which is a good thing.

CD, I used to avoid talking to my DH and I would get distant like you have described. Recently I have opened up a lot more to him and although he might feel a bit upset, I think he welcomes the chance to be caring and supportive towards me.

I think my DH would feel the same jasmine. I might gather my courage and talk to him tonight. There are certain things I would like to tell him but I constantly hold back. I don't want him to have to hear that shit :(

I think the thing that really brought it out into the open was the tv programme "That's Life". Esther Rantzen took up the cause of sexual abuse of children, as well as other child abuse, and I can remember the programme sending out questionnaires to people so that they could try and get a feel for the number of people affected. All that led to the founding of Childline.

At the time, you just couldn't avoid coming across the subject. Like many other victims, I had always remembered all the incidents except the earliest, hadn't liked what was done to me, but didn't consider it to be abuse.

The catch-22 is that you have to feel that you have rights to recognise that they are being abused. As the victims of abuse have their rights taken away, it makes it near on impossible to feel that you are being abused. That's what's so insidious about it.

Btw, I'm with Cailin - I've often thought about posting something, but for some unknown reason have shied away, even though I've posted plenty of comments on the subject over time.

What kind of thing is it tb?

CD, if he's like my DH, he would rather you share your 'stuff' with him than feel you are distancing yourself from him, which my DH found very stressful and upsetting. I don't think you'll regret it. It's made DH and I so close and strong together.

Sorry, don't understand the question

DH knew from the moment we where first intimate that I'd been abused I didn't need to tell him. However he never knew any details except the injuries he caused until after my first counselling session he now knows as much as I'd remembered up to that point. Maybe I told him to much he has always wanted to kill him but now I don't know what he thinks, he's pleased that something has been done though.

Sorry tb, you talked about "posting something," I just wondered what you meant.

I've told DH I was abused dotty, but not the detail, that's what I'm holding back from.

Cailin now that we've talked DH and I are closer I'm a nicer person as well since I reported it and opened up. I was such a horrible nasty woman before.

Now I feel stupid that it's nothing really, not inrelation to serious stuff.

Reading about other peoples DH just seems to re-enforce how crap I am. I'm destined to be a weirdo spinster.

Oh well, hope I haven't annoyed anybody!

I don't really understand your last post Plink, what do you mean?

Cailin - a thread about child sex abuse, but couldn't think how to do it without sounding me,me,me

Oh I see tb, sorry for being a bit thick, my brain is giving up. I wish DH would hurry home from work.

Sorry Cailin, you sound tired, don't take on too much with this thread.

My aunt, mother and sister take the piss out of me being single and get annoyed if I try to join in, because I'm incapable of attracting a man. Thier running family joke.

I need to not post when I get that feeling, I am still learning what triggers.

It's ok to post whatever is in your head Plink. Seriously.

I am tired, but I'm ok. Just cooking a nice dinner and having a glass of wine :)

This is the saddest and most heart-rending thread I have ever read. But ultimately the most heart-warming and heroic. You have all suffered the most horrendous stuff - meted out by adults who should have been loving and cherishing you - but you have survived, and having lovely lives (albeit not without trauma).

Most of you seem to worry that your lovely DCs will be abused. But how so? You all actually CARE about your DCs. The one thing all your parents seem to have in common is a total lack of care, love, and cherishing. So of course you responded when someone offered you that (how does a child know that the love and cherishing she/he is offered is warped and horrible?). But your children won't! They have been given so much love and attention that they have the self-esteem which would make would-be abusers walk on past.

By all means keep them close - but don't smother them! They won't become 'victims' - YOU have given them the self-esteem not to be drawn in.

Ive posted several times on the Stately Homes thread under a different name. Ive tried approaching this subject throughout many years of therapy. I deal with everything on an intellectual level with no emotion and feel empty as a result. sorry im talking crap. Find the basic acknowledgement of the subject difficult but have always known something happened. every now and then it crops up and its all i can think about so end up reading things to make myself feel something or remember. dont think there's any therapy out there that will help me. terrified for my daughter and letting her out into the world when she is older.