Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

This is definitely the right place to post Guineapig. I don't know if your husband would be up to it, but he would be very welcome to post too.

I honestly believe that there is a limit to the amount of help a person's partner can give in this situation. In many ways they are too close to the person to really deal with it directly. In my opinion (though you may not agree) Guineapig you should focus on facilitating your husband's recovery rather than trying to act as a counsellor to him. By that I mean you should ease any practical pressure on if possible, let him be stroppy or moody at times (within reason), give him the space to cry and get angry, and to have a flashback safely. That last suggestion might sound odd but something one friend did for me that was very helpful was to let me talk up until a flashback took over and then just look after me while I had the flashback. Horrible though they are I think flashbacks are actually quite healing in the sense that they allow your brain to root out the hidden memories and make sense of them. I found over time by doing that that the flashbacks became less scary and lasted for a shorter time.

I cannot bring myself to tell my DH the full story of what happened to me. I think it is incredibly hard to tell a partner those things.

Boglach and dotty - I think it is possible to find some form of peace. The scars will always be there but hopefully over time they will hurt less and start to fade. When I first started dealing with all this I was a mess. I eventually descended into depression and became suicidal. That was nearly 4 years ago. Since then I've made a few changes. I've moved away from my home country and reduced contact with my family. I've taken time to get to know myself a bit better and to try to develop a better relationship with myself. I've tried to talk as much as I can about the abuse, although this part is hard. These days I am ten times happier and more settled than I ever was. I am aware that I might have another dip in the future but for now I'm just enjoying the calm.

Guineapig I think it is harder for men my DH won't talk about what happened all I know is it was ex. Army guy and he was jailed. If I have ever asked is answer is he doesn't remember but he says he's proud of what I've done I suppose he had justice for what happened to him and the other boys this was in the 60's his mothers answer to it was put him in care.

Thank you so much to those of you who have replied on here or PM'd me.
I have spent the last few hours trying to gather my thoughts while looking like I am actually working.

I have not yet sought professional support - I have previously had counselling for pre and post natal depression, but this stopped 4 years ago and I ran out of sessions before I felt like I could discuss these childhood experiences.

I think that what particularly worries me is the cycle of abuse that seems to permeate my maternal side of the family.
My father brought me up after being in a children?s home, but I still had regular contact with my mother and her family and noone protected me. My mother is an alcoholic who did terrible things as I was growing up and just seemed to turn a blind eye ? both to her own behaviour and that of other family members.

She was a terrible mother (I felt bad saying that for a long time, but one of the positive things to come out of counselling was for me to feel ok saying it) and I am scared that I will be too ? that is what triggered my initial depression I think ? when I was pregnant with my son, my daughter was the same age as I was when my mum first abandoned us.

I think I see the boys in the children?s home as damaged and angry and looking to be able to control something. That something just happened to be me.

With my aunt, I want to know how I could have been coerced into doing that for such a long time. I also feel incredibly dirty as I think that there were times when she also did things to me that I enjoyed. I can?t reconcile that in my head. It only stopped when I was 12 because at 21 she went to prison for an unrelated offence.
I found out about her abuse by my grandmother because I stumbled upon a letter that she had written when I was clearing out the house after my grandmother?s death.

I knew already that my mum had been abused by her older brother and goodness only knows what other skeletons there are in the closet.

Thanks for giving me the space to think this through.

Battersea, I mentioned earlier that I definitely enjoyed some of the things that happened to me. I think that's very common among abuse victims. It's simply biology. I also really liked one of my abusers who came across as a very kind man. Being given direct, sustained attention from an adult is very exciting for a child. I know it feels horrible to think that you didn't hate all of the abuse, but that's nothing to be ashamed of.

'Scuse me all for butting in. I saw this thread start up only yesterday. And look at it now-which is shocking on one level and great on another. I want to say how incredible you all are but it just sounds crass. My heart breaks for the little children you were and for all the shit you're dealing with now. All I can say is that I believe you too.

I can't believe so many people have had such horrible experiences

I second what PP just said. I am flooded with compassion for all of you and am so glad that you can find comfort in talking to each other on here. Cailin I hope one day I can make as much of a difference to people as you have by starting this thread. I think you are all so brave to open up about the horrendous experiences you've been through. I feel very humble and hope with all my heart that you can heal emotionally and eventually overcome the effects the past has had on you.

Cailin I was told the same by my counseller that I would of enjoyed part of what he done I cried like a baby couldn't acccept it she meant the attention and the way that your body reacts to certain touches still find that hard to come to terms with.

Cailin "simply biology". I'll take that on board and will try to stop myself feeling awful for the times I sought out my brothers attention.

I had an alcoholic father, a mother that worked 3 jobs and we were latchkey children. My mother has only once told me she loves me. That's a generational thing I think. I tell my children I love them every day. Sometimes I see her wince when I say it.

I do not doubt she loves me and does she really need to say it?

As for my brother (the abuser), I am lucky that he moved to a different country many years ago. I don't know what I'd do if he lived locally. Most of my family have been out to visit him. I haven't, and never will.

I think I'm taking more from this thread than I'm contributing. I'm not a position to offer advice or wise words. But I read every post and feel for all of us that have had to endure this.

TOTU contributing your own story is enough. It helps others to feel less alone.

My mother has never once said she loved me. Never. She texted it once, but only because I kept texting it to her. She was pushed into it :(

It seems understandable to me that you sought out your brother's attention if you parents weren't loving towards you. I was very much under the spell of my abusers just because they actually talked to me and showed me "affection." I can forgive myself for that because I know children absolutely crave attention and affection, and because I wasn't getting it from my parents I accepted it from someone who used my need for attention against me.

This is where some of the longest lasting damage is done - when your body reacts, you feel betrayed, especially as an adult when you enter consensual relationships and you revisit those feelings. Again, it was not your fault but it takes so much strength to allow yourself to experience 'normality' - which is where it gets difficult again, because if you look 'normal', act 'normal' and seem 'normal' then people can pretend everything is peachy and no one needs any help or support, and the cycle continues.

Someone mentioned feeling guilty that they sought out their abuser at times. I've come across this a lot - in some instances it can be a wish to get the abuse over and done with for that day. If you know it's coming, and there's nothing you can do to prevent it, many survivors say they have this memory. That can bring some of the most difficult memories of guilt of all - but you weren't seeking abuse, you weren't seeking to have all of your own emotions and needs completely subjugated to those of the abuser, you were surviving.

Cailin - you are very wise.
Thank you for starting this thread, and I really mean that, despite the turmoil that I currently feel.

Best - thank you.

Cailin, thanks I'm ok

I think it's too emotive for me still, just need to calm down a bit.

I'm glad you're ok Plink. It's ok to post whatever is in your head.

OMG.

I opened a magazine today, and it had an article on Project Unbreakable. A photographer uses photography to help vicitms of sexual abuse, the idea being to 'take back the power of the words that were once used against them'. She is being contacted by people as far away as Abu Dhabi and Australia.

The photos show beautiful women holding up posters, with the words used to them:

'I love you'

'You wanted it, though'

It is NOT going to hurt you if you just RELAX'

Stop struggling. You're only hurting yourself

(a 13 year old girl): Close your eyes. This might hurt a bit

What do you think? I found it incredibly powerful. Just the BS in the words.

Tough to read those things abit. But it sounds like a good project. Anything that gets abuse into the light is a good thing IMO.

Hi all, I have read some of your posts - but it is a busy thread.

I hope it is ok for me to post here. I am having a particularly rough time atm and could do with talking

I was abused in childhood - by my parents. Emotionally (both), physically (both) and sexually (father).

It has all got a bit much again - and I feel so anxious and guilty - and tbh am best thinking that I should call it a day - as I cant break the "secret" cycle.

My parents are sadly still involved in my life ---- I just cant seem to break the cycle. I have children - who i never ever leave alone with them. I know its not right but I really dont know what is anymore :(

Hubby knows the broad outline of the abuse. BUT sadly he is not that helpful. He wont stand up to break the cycle of secrecy either - he doesnt want to cause the upset either.

I do keep wondering if I should contact SS myself and as for guidance?

There is a lot of background to this - just dont know where to start.

For what its worth I had a shit time with both pg and births due to all of this. I have in the last year disclosed the crux of the matter to gp but just cant go there again :(

It is definitely ok for you to post here OurLittleSecret. What do you mean when you say you think you should "call it a day"?

CallinDana, either run away or take my life. I wouldnt do the latter though - have thought about it lots - but could never leave my kids - and it is generally always the same - I want to get away from the situation - not my existance.

I hate the fact that I am struggling so much - my physical contact with dh is non existant this days - I am so detatched - its not fair on him or me. I dread so much about life

OLS, I am so sorry you are struggling so badly

I can't tell you what to do, but it sounds like you really need some help, sweetheart. Your parents let you down so, so badly. Would it be worht contacting your GP and saying you need some emergency counselling ?

A few sentences from us cannot unravel all this, but it sounds a toxic situation for you to still have your parents in your life. You have no-one around to advocate for you, no wonder you feel so low. Please ask for help from your GP xx

Please go see your dr they can help get you proper counselling I still often feel like running away but I always come back I scared my DH so much that he called my sister. Hard as it is I really think you should cut contact with your parents abusers seeing them is not healthy. Xx

OLS, could you go to rape crisis? do try and go back to the gp, a different one if you weren't comfortable with the first.

I have been in a place similar to you, now I'm getting there through asking for help. I got someone else to go to the gp with me, all they said was "she was raped" I cried great wrecking sobs for ages and probably held everyone else up but it kicked a lot of support into place.

If I have a dark moment, when I feel like I can't hold on I can go straight to my gp.