Do I bin?

[Feckthis]

I need some honest opinion here...please help. I've been with DH for many years, married for 13. 2 small dc. I'm trying to decide whether I've given it my all or whether I'm being a flake. I've got a degenerative disease. He's not so well either. He is very proud, hardly says sorry, quick temper. I'm quite passive-aggressive, been having counselling for depression (part of disease) and struggling to keep up with work, chores, life. Tendency towards martyrdom inherited from my mother, i admit. But DH won't talk about any of it, gets angry esp. when I broach the subject of cutting hours at work, picks away at housekeeping failures, is seemingly disappointed in me and his life. He's under pressure from work and family - I think he's depressed but wouldnt ever go see anyone, ever. But i feel so unloved, belittled and ground down. What can I do? I've tried to be positive so so many times my fecking cheerleader pompoms have worn out. What's the next move?

Get to a good solicitor on Monday & start the ball rolling.

I have a solicitor and have contacted her. However, it's not a case of me 'pulling my finger out'. Most days I'm so shattered I just can't process anymore stress or conflict. My illness is progressive and can affect energy, wiping me out. Sorry to sound Mardy but I've not been lounging about in all this time. Anyway, I'm moving along in my plans. Which is good.

How's it going, Feckthis? You go at your own pace, but give yourself some realistic deadlines and stick them in your diary. (Got a 2014 one yet? Circle an 'I'll be free by...' date.)

I really wonder if you won't have more energy and cope with your illness better without him around? Take away all the negativity and walking on eggshells, and I bet you'll feel loads better and more able to cope.

feck, you sound so like me .I even fell off my bike recently !
I finally got the guts to split earlier this year.

I posted on MN for over ten years in various guises.

leaving was my best move ever.

it was hard but all is fine now.

Just checking in. Things a bit better but i am thinking January for definitive action now.

Feck come over and have a look at This thread where you will find like minded souls who know exactly what you are going through.

One small step at a time!

Or you could stop putting it off!

I'm all for not putting it off (I left at the start of December) but I don't think many people are likely to leave on the 17th unless physical violence is involved or they have somewhere they can move into straight away. Jan sounds good - where will you go OP?

I'll try to get I'm to move out although he may well not. It's a big house so we could manage. I am worried moving the boys out wld be disruptive. Better they have their home and he goes. I think we would sell up tho as I won't be able to afford it by myself. Lots to get sorted.

Do you know what the difference now is? I used to think 'why doesn't he love me,what have I done wrong?' Now I'm thinking 'I don't love you.' Progress.

I held a new baby this week whose mother was so happy and I remembered how l used to have to make him do the bath time or he wouldn't have done anything with his new baby. I have almost no good memories of that time. I feel robbed.

I've asked him to go. Waiting for response now...

you poor thing. well you've certainly tried your best and it sounds like you need it to end to build yourself back up. i hope your family can give you some rl support.

Thanks. It's been a long haul but I've done it now. He's gone out and I sent him a message, he hasn't listened when I've tried talking. No answer yet. Not expecting one tbh. Just want this done.

Oh well done you! Thank God.

Long post...sorry...

Oh God...I'm still here, and so is he. I caved in after we spoke for ages and I believed we could try again. I am so confused. It's been mostly ok but if the house gets messy or I forget to do something then he's all sniffy again. But it was ok because he was trying to change, and we'd made headway.

And now he's saying I am overly sensitive even tho he's basically admitted that he speaks to me in harsher, ruder ways than to anybody else. I'm ill, I know that, but I feel like I'm going crazy. Tonight I told him I've found some studio space - a lifetime ambition - that I can rent for £95/mth. I do not go out to pubs, I buy charity shop clothes, I am not extravagant. I have started selling paintings at c.£30 each. I can break even at least. But he's shouting because I'll have no time, won't clean the house, neglect my (soon to end anyway) job. I'm trying to prepare for the job change, have set up a new sensible business and am starting to make art sales. All this when my doctor has told me to give up work. Am I being sensitive?

You guys are probably so fed up with what you'd see as dithering but we were working it out. It just feels that when I go free form and don't stick to (his) plan then we revert to clichéd type. I have limited healthy time...I don't want to waste it either by missing this opportunity or by dumping my marriage but I can't walk away from this (real and much needed) space.

You are obviously intelligent so....why do you use your ghastly husband as the litmus test on your own feelings? Please please see him for what he is, an arch manipulator. The time to stop worrying what his reactions would be, what his opinions of you were, how he would react to this that and the other is waaay in the rear view mirror Feck. He does not give a tinkers rap about you or yours. Forgive me but it is evident from your posts this is true and yet you seem sooo happy with the few crumbs he brushes your way. You are ground down and shaped by him to such a degree that you can't see. I realise my meagre post will probably not make you realise but it's an attempt. He sounds utterly vile.

Hi feck

I joined your thread and was half way through reading when I saw the date at the top. For 2 yrs now you've re hashed this situation and every time the same pattern arises, you wobble he dials it down you acquiesce then he ramps it back up over time, if not a little bit more.

And now you are still here, a little more ill a lot more depressed and no further forward. Lovey it seems you are almost a victim of Stockholm syndrome you are being held captive not just by him but your illness as well. If your illness is in anyway autoimmune then this stress will be making it worse, I suffer from rheumatoid arthritis and stress makes it far worse. Also I would hazard a guess at some PTSD symptoms in your posts as you cycle through stages as does he.

If you want to give yourself the best chance at a quality of life and health in the future, this has to stop once and for all, every day he rubs you out a little bit more, have you ever watched the film back to the future with Marty's picture of himself and siblings and they are gradually disappearing? This is you op your being erased bit by bit.

I don't want to sound harsh, but we get precious little time of this planet and you are not enjoying yours. Your posts prove you can do it on your own, it gets easier when you don't have to do it under the threat of his Damocles sword, believe me I know, as do a lot of us on here.

Baby birds get pushed out of the nest to learn to fly, you've been teetering on the branch looking down for 2 yrs now, but your posts read like your been falling for that long also, it's about time you spread your wings and see where they take you, it can't be any worse then where you are now

It feels like this has been a very long nasty game of chess...moves and counter moves. I hadn't realised it's been two years but yes, I posted just after Mothers' day 2012. Bloody hell. Bloody hell.

I've taken the studio - signed the papers today. I feel so much lighter even tho I know that this is going to result in shouting etc etc. Fuck it. You're right, I know I've got to jump. And I will. Before I had no safety net but due to my illness my financial arrangements have, ironically, got a bit better thru benefits and pensions so I'm in a better position to walk or kick him out. It won't be immediately but I hope by the end of the month. That's my target.

Feck, I'm so happy you took the studio. Does he have to know about it straight away? Does he have to know where it is? Use it to have some headspace and perspective, a secret place to think, if you can.

I hadn't seen this thread until yesterday. I felt so anguished for you, reading through it, reading through such a cyclic pattern. I used to keep a handwritten diary in my 20s and it was only when I read back through many months of writing that I was able to see things that had been staring me in the face for all that time and realise what it was I should do. I hope you get the same from this thread.

I am really, really happy for you that you got your studio. I hope you get to do some clear thinking and beautiful painting in it.

Sounds like you're getting stronger and stronger. Keep going!

Unbelievable lightness in my body, my mind and my soul...that's the feeling I had when I left my emotionally abusive partner. Being able to spend all my money on myself. Eating what I wanted, when I wanted. Wearing whatever I liked. Being able to talk to anyone I fancied. Making cock jokes again! It's never too late to do it! We are all behind you.

It might seem like a nasty game of chess at the moment but in actual fact it is the action of a loving person trying to minimise the damage felt by the fall out of your marriage. You wouldn't have agonised so much if you were not worried about the feelings of your loved ones. If you were a selfish person you would have moved on without a care about the collateral damage you caused. By being so cautious you have shown what a loving person you are. You know deep down that what you are doing is for the best and even though it is painful you are smart enough to know that it is for the greater good. That takes a lot of balls! You have one life and you have shown how brave you are. I really admire you.

I thought you'd all be fed up with all this shilly shallying. I was scared to come back and post tbh as I KNOW this can't be right, not a way to live. We've had another night of argument. We are poles apart. He's stormed out the house after binning our dinner, then came back and is in the bath now. I've had a sarnie and a glass of wine and am calm. My studio is definitely going to be a refuge from the next few weeks/months.

I have just realised I m not calm, just dead inside. I've had enough. He said I've lost my drive and want to do nothing. That was the proverbial straw. All this shit is BECAUSE I want to DO something before I degenerate into a physical mess (I'd say 5-10yrs max) - my drive is off the scale. He backtracked but I know he meant it. I'm not ill, I'm lazy in his eyes. He denies this but all actions etc then point to that opinion. I am not a victim but I do have a serious illness. I have the right to have a good life. And my DC have the right to a happy home.

And a big hello to tallwivglasses