Do I bin?

[Feckthis]

I need some honest opinion here...please help. I've been with DH for many years, married for 13. 2 small dc. I'm trying to decide whether I've given it my all or whether I'm being a flake. I've got a degenerative disease. He's not so well either. He is very proud, hardly says sorry, quick temper. I'm quite passive-aggressive, been having counselling for depression (part of disease) and struggling to keep up with work, chores, life. Tendency towards martyrdom inherited from my mother, i admit. But DH won't talk about any of it, gets angry esp. when I broach the subject of cutting hours at work, picks away at housekeeping failures, is seemingly disappointed in me and his life. He's under pressure from work and family - I think he's depressed but wouldnt ever go see anyone, ever. But i feel so unloved, belittled and ground down. What can I do? I've tried to be positive so so many times my fecking cheerleader pompoms have worn out. What's the next move?

You, Ms Feckthis are doing just fine. Keep plotting, painting and creating

I've just read your thread through Feckthis and it's been interesting to really read through your processing of the situation.

I just want to wish you well with your art; you're clearly talented to be able to sell, there are so many great artists out there who simply cannot sell.

Life is but a moment long, I'm glad you're begining to live yours.

I've done it. He's looking for a flat. Omg.

After two years!

Wow how amazing! Well done!

Up your prices. 30 quid's now't

Have you got a website?

Ooh feck, excuse the pun your brill you are
I bow down at your greatness and show of strength, your art will be a huge source of therapy for you lovey.

Now let's have a website with some of those paintings, or at least some pics.

Just read this whole thread OP for you and the very best of luck :)

Feck! So sorry this slipped so far down my TIW I only just found it while having a cull.

Fabulous news, well done. So exciting about the studio. As the others have said, bump those prices up.

But, keep reminding yourself to keep that resolve stiffened!

Do not let him waver, come up with excuses, regrets or promises.

You've made a huge leap in the right direction, but it's not over until he actually moves out.

[stiffening vibes]!

My OH only agreed to counselling because it would prove I was nuts. Funnily enough after one session he said it was all rubbish and just the counsellor getting at him. So he refused to go again. But that one session told me a lot.
Mainly that I was not crazy.
Tell your sisters. They should be great back up for you. Was hard to tell my sis but I am glad I did.

advice please...you're going to say i'm wavering but...he's said he doesnt want to see me so unhappy, wants to look after me and the boys, give me space to stop work and concentrate on my art including the studio. I am finacially secure due to my pension and have savings so will not be left high and dry if it goes wrong. so do I give it one go? do i tell him i'll give it a month say, to see whether he is as good as his word? what if Ihave a chance here? agggghhhhhhh
picture attached of a bunny...

It's nice talk, but he won't change. If he was going to, he would already have done so.

Hi Feck

He doesn't want to see me so unhappy, which episode was he talking about , the one where your lazy? Or an ineffectual mother?

Or your not really ill it's because you faff around not doing much?
Or it's not him it's you, or if you just shut the fuck up and did as you were/are told everything would be dandy.

He's had two years to see your unhappiness and now you've made a break for it, he's hanging of the gate like a sulky school kid who's just about to lose his favourite toy, or should I say punch bag.

He's had ample opportunity to look after you and the kids lovely truly he has, and if the two years youve spent on here breaking your heart because your so ill and depressed over your home life and him, is his job well done. I would truly hate to see what he does to you and those kids when he decides it's finished.

He doesn't want to be inconvenienced, all that washing ironing cooking malarkey.

Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck and when he gets there fuck off some more.

Or come back in another two years and ......

Give it a month? NO! You've given him the past two years, chance after chance after chance. If you give him another it will only prolong the misery. And you'll waste the last year's of your health hoping he'll change and being disappointed again and again. Please, don't let it come to that.

No NO No no No to another chance - sorry if you think i'm jumping in here. I have just read the whole thread and when I read your last post and long draw out NOOOOOOOOO escaped from my mouth.

He's had so many chances - if he's serious this time let him prove it from a distance for a time - a long time at that. the distance will give you both space to really think through what you both want. I personally think the space would make you see just how bad the situation has become.

I think it's fantastic about your studio - and I love the painting - definately increase the prices

Sorry, I replied there without realising there were loads more posts to catch up on.
Well done so far!

I knew you'd all say this. You're right of course but when you're in the middle of it, it's so difficult. I am going to break the habit if a lifetime and take my time and not welcome him back w open arms. I will make him face the responsibilities he has with regard to his behaviour. It's not all my fault. If I make no headway in this conversation (tonight) then I will not bend. I do not expect to in the slightest. This is just horrible. I won't backtrack either. I promise.

Oh, and definitely counselling is a no go. Utter refusal.

AAAAAaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggghhhhh!!!!!

I just knew he would try and back track, but I did think it would take a bit longer.

He won't be as good as his word. When has he ever been before?

You do have a chance here; to get rid of him and get your life back.
Please take it.

I've been thinking about it all day, as expected, and have been going over the conversation this morning again and again - he basically used economics to indirectly threaten me...'it'll be expensive', 'they'll be no money', blah blah blah. the place he's looking at to rent is £500/month more than the ones I'd been looking at so either hes bullshitting on price or is spoilt and wants a gorgeous pad - or both. or is quoting a price including other bills. I don't know. I am not going to just cave in. Im going to insist on time. And I'm seeing my wonderful lawyer tomorrow morning.

It will be your fault remember if he has to lose a standard of living then it will be your hurting the kids etc, and their standard of living will be poorer. I notice no mention of an apology or what can I do to make this right, or any humility at all.

So you want to break up and it seems he's trying to micro manage that for you as well, blimey I'm surprised you've managed to breath on your own without his input on whether your technique is correct.

Manage your end op your finances etc, don't get in to debates about his new place or his financing it, he hasn't got a say in your side of things anymore, I bet he's already divvied up the furniture in his mind.

Waver free zone here.
Loooooong discussion tonight summarised as follows: you've never told me you wanted to not work, that's why I've treated all the ideas, ambitions and plans you've shared with me as pointless, the fact that you are still hurt by what I've done in the past is not relevant and is in fact you not trying hard enough now. And if you tell me how I have hurt you, how an apology would be quite nice, then I will walk out. But I want to look after you, after all, you'll be fucked in five years and I'll have to step in anyway. And btw, I was, in fact, reciting the phone directory all evening, you just THOUGHT I said this.

Ffs

I'm being facetious BUT not very.

Now there's a scary thought - being dependent on this knob because of your illness. Stay strong and get him out!

Morning feck,

He's done you a favour lovey and confirms what a prize narc prick he is, my dad does this too my mum, they have been married for nearly 50 yrs, she wishes she had left 20 yrs ago after discovering his 10yr affair.

Honey you reallllllly don't want that for you, make sure he has no next of kin hold over anything for you now or ever, I bet he's already made plans for this scenario.

If he wasn't so tragic, it would be funny.

That really is the final nail in the coffin of any hope for change, isn't it.

I would stop communicating about anything but when he's leaving, and arrangements for the boys when he's gone.

Broken record, repetition time.

He will continue to try and stay. You stay strong