Do I bin?

[Feckthis]

I need some honest opinion here...please help. I've been with DH for many years, married for 13. 2 small dc. I'm trying to decide whether I've given it my all or whether I'm being a flake. I've got a degenerative disease. He's not so well either. He is very proud, hardly says sorry, quick temper. I'm quite passive-aggressive, been having counselling for depression (part of disease) and struggling to keep up with work, chores, life. Tendency towards martyrdom inherited from my mother, i admit. But DH won't talk about any of it, gets angry esp. when I broach the subject of cutting hours at work, picks away at housekeeping failures, is seemingly disappointed in me and his life. He's under pressure from work and family - I think he's depressed but wouldnt ever go see anyone, ever. But i feel so unloved, belittled and ground down. What can I do? I've tried to be positive so so many times my fecking cheerleader pompoms have worn out. What's the next move?

I'm back after a hiatus. I'm glad to say I'm doing ok. Sleep is returning and I'm not suffering any side effects from the antidepressants. I'm signed off work and now appreciate how much I need this breather. DH is chilling out and seems to have taken this all to heart . Whatever happens I'm enjoying the moment. Thank you so much for helping me. I am incredibly grateful.

Pleased to hear you're sleeping better and enjoying life.
I hope the change in DH is permanent. Perhaps he will finally realise that if you are happy he will benefit too.
x

Strop alert...

We're alerted. Who's stropping? you, I hope

We are alerted.
What's up.

Argh!
Times like this I wish we had phone numbers.

Aye Bewitched, but then it would just go to voicemail! Feckthis, dunno why but I care for you and I'm obviously not the only one. I'm dead busy for the next couple of days but people are here for you x

tallwiv
Funny isn't it, I dunno why either, but I do.
x

God he had a strop because some pasta sauce fell out the fridge. I kid you not. Ffs. I let him fly and then ignored him. Then asked for an apology this morning. Sort of got one. Am in two minds as to next steps. So glad you are sticking w me. I am a bit noodled now tho so may wander....

It'll be 'your fault' I take it, that the pasta sauce fell out of the fridge?

and your job to clear it up immediately.

Good lord do you realise how long this has been going on? I feel for you but once you make a decision you need to stick with it, for your sake & DCs. I've been in your position and I know it's hard but stop giving the man chance after chance. Enough is enough. Do something for you and the kids, bollox to DH

No, he cleared it up. I only found out after the event. I understand how long this has been going on for, but a few weeks is nothing compared to the 20 odd yrs we've been together.

Okaaay...do you need this for the next 20 years?

No I don't. But I have to give him time to catch up w the new me, non ?

Nope it seems he's had plenty of opportunities to resolve your issues. You have fallen into his trap madam. Sorry to say this but you have to be selfish so you can fix yourself.

Hummm.

It seems to me that you failed to take one small thing into account.
He will catch up with the new you. If you read 'catch up' to mean worked out where all the new buttons and weaknesses are.
He will not change without outside agency, he's not prepared to get help.
I understand how scary making the choice is, particularly when you have years of history. But those years resulted in this.

As a child of an abusive father my perspective is tilted rather more toward your DCs. You note further up the thread how your DC is desperate for loving, positive attention. Having a father that 'is a bit shouty' does not cause that.
I find it hard that you can go from where you were, note that you passively watch your children begging like dogs for what should be the right of every child (not being abused, humilitated, belittled, shouted at, kept insecure and anxious is hardly luxury) and now he's being a bit nicer so it's all fine.

You have the right to self-determination, autonomy and respect. So do your children. But while you can choose to feed the drama and be on a miserable yoyo for the rest of your life they haven't chosen that. They'll get that though unless they work hard as adults to undo the damage. You know how it affected you, why on earth don't you count your unhappiness as x3? On balance your next 60 years vs 2 lots of a lifetime doesn't come out as the bigger number. It wouldn't be enough for me to gamble with my children.

As ever, lots to think about.

How's things Feck?

Sorry for silence. I have had a torrid couple of weeks but am on a more even keel. I'm still signed off work, which I am surprised I find I need, and am trying to be more measured in my approach to life. By which I mean I am trying to acknowledge I have limits and can't just keep on keeping on.

Marital bliss hasn't been achieved yet but we are being kinder to each other and I am being more forthright. We haven't dissected our problems enough though and I am wary about bad habits creeping back. So, overall positive but not blue bird territory.

The children are doing much better, youngest is blossoming, elder is spending more time with us both and is being lovely with youngest. I have taken the comments here to heart, believe me, and the DC will always come first. However, I strongly believe that if there is hope in a marriage that hope needs to be given a fighting chance too. If they are unhappy then all bets will have to be off and we go back to the brink, but based on the last few weeks I remain hopeful. Am I being stupid? We will find out but whatever happens the DC will be my priority.

Please don't apologise, there is absolutely no obligation here.
And, no, you can't possibly be being stupid.

It may be that your recent epiphany has sparked the changes necessary to make your family function the way you want it to. The DC seem to think so.
That's lovely to hear and you should take pride in that.

I think you are also right about patterns of behaviour becoming habits, and when people become aware that the habits need to change that's a large part of the battle won.

Stay vigilant, love, I have massive admiration for your stoicism.
If you win, it will have been worth it. xxx

I'm back...anyone awake? Long story but I've had many trials and tribulations but I've just found out DH has a virtual alter ego and subscribes to some pretty hardcore porn...should I confront him?!?!

Oh, get rid of him.
I've just read the whole thread - you are amazing, coping with your work, your children, and this overgrown petulant and self-serving child.
I truly think that, although you worry whether you are strong enough, you will find life easier WITHOUT your husband dragging you down.
Take care x.

I've just read this whole thread Feck and can't believe this is still going on. Should you 'confront' him? No, you should bloody bin him. Do yourself and your DCs a favour and give him the elbow.

I'm not amazing but thanks - bloody stupid more like. I confronted him and got told to 'relax' about it. Rightly or (probably) wrongly I am giving it one last try - he knows it is the last try, Ive said so. ALl the comments re my DC are right, they deserve better - he's being great with them now but even tho i hope to blazes Im wrong Im fairly sure this is the end. What a year, what a nightmare. The cherry on the cake was a close relative intimating that its my mental state that needs the attention ie am I overreacting? Being unreasonabale? In my heart I KNOW Im not but that has shaken me and is i think why i didnt make the break this time - oh to be stronger.