For LIKEATONNEOFBRICKS

[pollyblue]

Hello,
just wondering how things were going with you and your situation?

If you're still not sure if the woman you fancy has any feelings for you, can I offer you (possibly!) a bit of hope.....I don't know if you remember but I was in a similar situation last year - despite me getting a bit of a 'vibe' from my crush nothing came of it, she told me she wasn't gay etc so that was that. We were still friends, but (afaik) nothing more.

Anyhoo I saw her today, unexpectedly, for the first time in about 3 months and blow me down, she asked me out. Albeit if was a tentative, polite ask but she did, nonetheless. I did a good goldfish impression, I was so surprised. Just going to wait now, not get too excited, and see if anything comes of it.

So - there is hope!

polly, well my ego-boost theory still applies! anyone who just split from a partner feels like one, hence the timing. Everyone likes to be loved/fancied.

polly - remind me please whather this is your first crush on a woman?

I'm just perplexed why she'd try and pick up something that was done and dusted so long ago - if she's straight and single and needing her ego stroked why isn't she out on the (hetero) pull instead? Why bother with me? Until last week she hadn't seen me for three months, so it's not like I'm there, under her nose and easily accessible, every day.

No, I've had a couple of relationships with women in the past.

may not be ready for hetero pull yet, still 'healing' and sees a woman as more safe yest still ego boosting. She hasn't made it obvious that she's asking you on a date, it's just a drink to distract after the split, unless there was some suggestive tone of voice?
You don't have to answer if too personal, but did you find you needed time to adjust first time, sexually, or did it feel natural? were you apprehensive beforehand?

if she was really up for it, she wouldn't have ignored your emails, also.

Yes it felt natural, tbh I didn't really think about it.

Email, singular! I'm not firing them off just yet.....

....and I sent it just 24 hours ago, so not long at all.

yes, but she didn't keep in touch either since suggesting. As I say, do you have a reason to think she meant it as a date, not just a drink? Again if she was REALLY up for a drink she'd keep you posted at least re her health etc. The whole thing just sounds that she's not in a rush to spend time one-to-one.

you must have been young then (your first r-ship)

The only reason I've got to think she meant it as a date, even a tentative one, is that bloody thing, gut instinct again.

And because I don't think she would want to go out with someone she knew fancied her, if she didn't reciprocate those feelings, or think she might. That's why it never happened last year, she realised how I felt.

And tbh I've known her about 2 years and I know (both from personal experience and other peoples comments) that she is generally a bit rubbish at keeping in touch, answering emails etc. It's frustrating not to have heard from her, but really it's just like her.

I'm not painting her in a very good light am I?! I think your crush comes across a lot better in the reliability stakes....

haha no, I'm just knocking on a bit now!

Actually i suppose I was - about 20 I think. Had had a dalliance before that, but that was just a fleeting thing.

20 is VERY young isn't it??
well you could possibly trust your instincts on this more than I can (with mine) because you do have experience. But from what I've heard I don't really like her, not just because of not answering, I think she may 'play' with people and enjoy the power. Maybe her ego is v,big..

Well she'll be getting terse looks from me in the future if that's what she's doing - I'm going to be working along side her a few hours a week from next month and if I don't hear a peep from her between now and then I'll be a bit cheesed off.

Time for bed! ttfn OP Hope we both have better luck next week

I'm still reading this thread. Polly and Likea, all the best for this week. I really hope you get your women. Mine has liked something on my Facebook for the first time and I'm pathetically grateful.
I'm beginning to accept that I'm one of those women mentioned upthread who after being married and having kids realises that she is in fact a lesbian. I just wish I had some 'experience' to back it up/confirm my feelings.

I like the sound of a terse look polly

And yes, bricks , no running away. I'm still ridiculously besotted and DP made the transition from men to women (or showld say "a woman") apparently seamlessly. It's not always a big drama.
For some it's a major life-changing experience; for others, just like coming home finally.

For me it felt so right I didn't think about it too much. Most of the people I told (and I haven't told many) were very cool about it. Some people might see it as taboo but they are probably narrow-minded and not worth knowing anyway.
Likea...I was wondering, from what you say about the woman in question, could she be going through the menopause and therefore having some internal struggle of her own...all the mood swings etc?

I've been following this thread for a while, and I really want to add something to this now.

Likea, I can completely understand your agony because I too have experienced a huge crush on another woman not just once, but three times since being married! With everyone, it was a different experienced, based on my relationship with the woman in question, but every time, without fail, it boiled down to this:

1. I could never be myself when around them, until the crush had properly faded (usually after a stagering two years!)
2. I would spend hours analysing every conversation or interchange we ever had
3. I never actually knew where I stood with any of them. I believe that there was a spark with each, and that is probably what fuelled the crushes in the first place, but as I, and they, were married, and determined to keep it that way, the crushes were always unrequited. I had to do a lot of 'silent suffering'.

There are things that you say about your crush that remind me a little bit of me, namely:

1. Her cool detachment and independence
2. Her moodiness
3. Her apparent control over her feelings, and the way she seems 'buttoned up' when around you, and normal when around others.

The reasons for these feelings, for me, were as follows:

1. Fear of being vulnerable, of making a twat out of myself, and being hurt. Fear of being found out. For your friend it might be more than that - as she's single, and you're single, she might know how perilously close she could be to embarking on a lesbian relationship. As a conventional type, this could scare her big time. Fear of what the relationship might bring, needing breathing space, time to work out feelings, easier to just ignore and leave in the closet than to bring it out into the open.

1. Confusion - out of guilt mainly, for me, as believe it or not I'm also in love with my dh. But your crush may be confused by her sudden sexual feelings (I have long been aware of my sexuality - in fact I had my first sexual experience with a woman when I was 20 - but it still confuses me).

1. Fear of looking like a twat, complete tongue-tie in their presence, fear of being found out. For me that fear was driven out of guilt because of the impossibility of the situations, but for your crush it might be because she doesn't think she'd be desirable to a young whippet like you.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is be really patient. Your friend may need months, months and months to get her head around this. Forcing it will only do more harm, as it will scare her - and those negative feelings are probably safer for her to handle because they will confirm what she probably wants to feel - that a relationship with a woman isn't for her etc. As she sounds really independent, she sounds like the type who needs to go away and then when she's ready, come on to you. Rather like a ca. I speak from being one of those people.

She may not be aware that she fancies you, you know. Some of my crushes - male and female - in my life have started off with a slight aversion towards that person. God knows why, then a switch would go off and suddenly I'd see that actually they have stirred up potentially sexual and emotional feelings in me.

Sorry for essay,and bad grammar etc. Writing in a hurry!

Gosh- terrible typos. I am aware of all the spelling errors, but to clarify 'ca' is 'cat'

I've been following this thread with interest and just want to add a different perspective to all you suffering ladies out there. Firstly, perhaps you could all think outside of the box a little bit and not conform so much to society's diktats. It is clear that some of you have had and do have feelings for another woman, and seem quite passionate about these feelings. You could embrace them instead of chastising yourselves. Love is after all a wonderful expression of your true creative nature and what better way to celebrate this gift....than by acting on it. Don't live your life according to a set of rules which are essentially out of date. Do you really want to live your life worrying about what people think of you? Who is that serving? If you don't fancy your husbands anymore then whats so wrong with that? Maybe it's time to change your attitudes/belief systems. Marriage is outdated and judging by all the threads on this website, it appears to make people quite frustrated and miserable...even disillusioned. We have one life, quite a short one...and it is there for the taking....feel the JOY...don't feel guilty about it! GUILT is a killer...you are killing yourself and the law of the Universe celebrates love and joy and it's up to you to sort out the potential difficulties around it (ie. what other people think, not wanting to step outside of the norm...be different). You are here to learn lessons...and sometimes what appears to be really overwhelming and painful will teach you so much and give you an amazing opportunity to grow and become a more interesting and compassionate person. Embrace the difficulties, live out loud and stop beating yourselves up. Either that or you carry on sacrificing your happiness for the sake of keeping up appearances which in the end will make you bitter, and unhappy and then you pass this message on to your friends, family, children and the myth of the "perfect marriage" is perpetuated. Surely the most admirable women are those who live their lives fully and truthfully despite the pressures of society trying to oppress and condition us. It's time to wake up and be conscious and enjoy your life...it's really that simple. Check out Osho's video on youtube on Marriage and Children....it will really enlighten some of you, even if you find it very out there....freedom is a beautiful thing.

Lady - it's all very tru and well if love is reciprocated. I'm not married, she isn't either but for all out freedom I have to have reciprocation. But agree that women who don't fancy teir partners shouldn't just live with it. The reality is though, people normally don't leave stable situation (and children if they involved) for something that is not goung to happen! they need to know htey are going somewhere more happy.
Loveis yes spot on as usual - I think she's going through some hormonal stuff as she's mid 50s, and I saw her sgivering, asked whhether she's ok and does she want any meds (i had some) but she vrushed it off as obviously wouldn't talk about menopause with me. She was obviously not feeling ok. And the moods are sometimnes stable but at times very up and down (towards me anyway).
The Tenuous, I loved your essay, don't apologise! . Yesm, I agree that if she feels anything towards me that it's bound to be complicated for her and and it's MUCH easier to be an ostrich or at most deal with it like with a fantasy, rather than act on it. The fact that she's this age doesn't help her acting on impulse or experimenting. I'm not a complete whippet and I'm starting to age too and not perfect, but yes I'm noticeably younger. She is in good shape and active though, and to me it's no big deal - I tried complimenting her a few times though not so much about her looks per se, more that something she wore suited her. I deep down agree with you about her neeing a very long time for anything positive, that's why despite advice I havewn't been completely direct. But on the other hand I have to do something as otherwise nothing at all would happen. What would you advise as the middle ground option? I'm already doing some steps as everyone knows, but any new ideas? The issue is I don't see her regularly - at the moment see her almost daily for another week (and has been a week which started with her being very nice and warm to me but gone to neutral now), but after this there will be only rare sporadic contact, possibly one in three-four weeks. This is why I'm panicking and as a result being uptight or tyr to impose chat too much. She is a bit cat like (more like a panther though) - I did guess you meant a cat ha. Likes her space, all on her terms - not just with me, with everyone. Just can't see how will she ever decide after me left to her own devices. Btw she's not soft and chatty with others - nice but not actually soft, it's only a few close friends she's like that with from what i've heard.

Crushing - I'm in the same boat, I'm in love but I still don't know how would it go with going to bed, until I try. Only then you can be 100% sure that you aer cut out for it. This also affects my confidence in chasing her - I don't know for SURE what I can offer. I find it extremely pleasant to stand very close to her, and wanting to put my arms around her, but that's as far as I know.

she sounds like the type who needs to go away and then when she's ready, come on to you

TheTenous, I'm hoping that this is what's happened with my crush, she's just needed time and distance to appreciate just how fab I am

Lady that's a really interesting post but I don't think it applies to OPs situation - she's not feeling guilty, just confused/anxious - I agree with her reply to you. It takes two to tango and feeling all the passion in the world will not get you off the starting block if that passion isn't reciprocated.

Gay I am quite proud of my terse face - I've honed it well on my children

Ladylibertine sounds like she's been on the essence of unicorn moonflower to me. But I've not read anywhere about guilt and husbands, so I think she might have got the wrong end of the willow wand.