Sensitive question about H

[ThreeLittlePandas]

I've been putting off asking this because I'm scared of what your answers might be. I'm really evaluating my relationship with h atm and wondering wether to leave him and I think the answer to my question might heavily influence my decision.

in advance.

Dh and I rarely have sex. When we do it is rather boring but he is considerate.

The other evening I went to bed early as I was desperately tired. I was woken a few hours later my dh who had his fingers in me. I was heavily asleep and by the time I realised what was happening he was having sex with me. He finished quickly and that was it. I really hadn't wanted to have sex and feel like I wasn't given an option. The next day I felt a bit angry and almost violated to be honest.

I'm not looking for anything other than an opportunity to talk this through because it's been bothering me. This is about the third time in the last couple of years that something like this has happened.

curious, why don't you leave the thread if you arent going to address the DISTRESS of the OP?

She said in advance not to do it curious, we've told you that a few times. She said very clearly after the last time that she wasn't happy about it, he apologised and said he wouldn't do it again. He then went ahead and did it anyway. The OP expressly said, in advance that she did not consent to this, therefore it is absolutely rape, 100%

I have started to kick him hard and say I'm asleep so I can't remember hurting him (have past childhood abuse issues which he knows about). I hate it but he does apologise.

I did. Read my posts.

Fine. I'll leave the thread. It's very one sided, I just thought maybe another perspective would be helpful, but you all seem to be pitchforks at the ready and not prepared to listen.

OP I hope you are okay. I wasn't trying to belittle what has happened to you, as you are clearly very hurt by it, I'm just urging you to think things through a little bit and be absolutely sure.

curiousgeorgie - It's up to you what you want to call it, how you want to define what happened to you. I wouldn't pressure anyone to call their experience 'rape' if they weren't ready to, or just plain didn't see it that way.

Personally though I would feel it was rape, and very much a violation. Especially if it was done knowing that I didn't want it, and that I would struggle to wake up or react quickly due to the effects of medication. I do have a 'loving trusting relationship' with DP, but the thought of him doing something like this is just absolutely unimaginable. I wouldn't be with him if I thought he was capable of it.

No Lucy, they are a valid point of view and I haven't been nasty or dismissive of the OP, but you're not prepared to see that.

I think I'll take this somewhere else, OP needs more help than me right now, it's just made me realise I do have a right not to be molested whilst sleeping, never a bad thing

Whobuilt, you're right, you have every right to sleep safely in your bed without being molested.

To be honest, it really shocks me to think that some women think it's ok not to have control over their own bodies.

In an evangelical christian marriage you don't.

Is that the kind of marriage you're in Whobuilt?

Yep, it's what I've been taught although they would definitely frown upon rape, probably wouldn't advise to 'leave the bastard' though.

Anyway, I can see why the OP is confused. Probably need to apologise for that but it's hard to know when everything else about the relationship is 'normal'.

This post has made me cry and sad. We had come back from a family do I was very tired and full from lots of food. So ex said for me to take my jeans off, I did and fell asleep on the chair. then I woke up to him having oral sex with me and his fingers also inside me. it took a few seconds for me to register what was going on as i felt horrified and scared. i asked him wtf he was doing and he said i wanted a bit. i said well i didnt that i was sleeping to which he said so what and promptly stormed out of the house.
littlepandas this is not acceptable behaviour from your dh and im just realising that it wasnt acceptable for it to happen to me. you are a human being that should be treated with respect.

Sorry but i'm an evangelical christian and i really disagree with that comment that women do not have control over their own bodies-

the bible states that a married couple should not refuse each other sexual unity, it certainly doesn't say that a man can have sex with his wife against her will!

Actually it says that a man should treat his wife as christ treated the church ie lay down his life for her benefit if necessary.

If the OP's husband wanted them to have sex, he would approach the idea when she is awake and compus mentus (sp?). Him not doing this therefore means he is only concerned with his own pleasure. OP, this man is putting his own sexual pleasure ten thousand miles ahead of yours. Whether it boils down to rape or not (and I do think it does), why not consider the simpler question of "do you want to be with someone who is determined to persure his own desires at the expense of yours?"

My thoughts are with you, and I hope you are able to find some resolution to what has happened.

i think trying it on in the night is one thing, I think thats pretty normal, but to actually have sex with your partner while theyre sleeping unless you have damn good reason to assume they would be up for it is entirely another, and the fact that hes done it several times and every time shes told him she didnt like it, means its sexual assault/rape. It is a pretty serious accusation obviously, and how far you take it is going to be something only you can decide. Its a real bloody shame if hes lovely in every other way, and im not going to start telling you youve been wrong about him in every way, because you know him better than anyone. He needs to know how serious this is. He should already bloody know.
I honestly dont know what id do. I dont envy you at all. Its all about how you feel and your boundaries, and it sounds like hes totally crossed them.

Look, if your partner does something, and you say afterwards that you didn't like that, please don't do it again, an otherwise loving partner could be perhaps forgiven as long as there is an apology and whatever it is is NOT REPEATED.
The OP in this case has told this man at least three times to stop choosing to fuck her while she's unconcious. Whether or not he's apologised, or acknowledged verbally that she objects, he has carried on doing it whenever he feels like sticking his cock in her unconscious body.

That's not a loving partner. That's not a good man. That's a selfish, dangerous arsehole.

"Ephiny - So if I'm sleeping, and my husband starts to have sex with me, its rape? Clear cut rape?" If you are asleep and not able to consent and would not be happy with it then yes, it is clearcut rape. If you are asleep and wake up an say no and he continues then yes, it is clear cut rape. If you do not even wake up and he has sex with you anyway so you are therefore not in a position to say no, then yes, it is clear cut rape. If you have expressed beforehand that you are not comfortable with being penetrated at a time when you are unable to consent and he does it anyway then yes, it is clear cut rape. If you wake up to find your partner having sex with you and you actually rather enjoy it, wake up fully and begin to participate then that is something which has happened with which you are obviously comfortable and would not, IMO, be defined as clear cut rape. Is that any more clear cut for you?

"Because I think a massive part of defining rape is in the intent, and if you're in a loving, trusting relationship, it's not a violation, its nothing more
than an annoyance that wakes you up. Because if you do define it in this way, then many people including myself will have been raped by husbands and partners

• but I imagine that a very tiny portion would actually define it in that way." yes, the key here is intent. A man might come on to a woman, he might intend to have sex with her but that intention is based on mutual agreement. So if that woman says no then he will stop. But if the woman says no and he continues anyway, then the intent to rape is there. He may not actually see it as intent; he sees it as intent to have sex with his partner, but the definition is still the same - sex without consent is rape. If the woman is asleep and unable to say no then the intent is there from the outset, because he knows that she cannot say no.

I am failing to see just why some posters cannot see that.

And just because someone doesn't define something as rape, doesn't mean that it isn't.

I am so sorry op and whobuilt that you are both going through this.

Agree with dinahmohum it is different with OP, especially as he has tried to excuse his behaviour and it was full penetration (hate that word). Maybe an indicator of his remorse, willingness/ ability to change is whether he'd attend marriage counselling with you? Just a thought?

Um there is a HUGE difference between the creeping hand (we all know that one) tickling your tummy, arms etc as a prelude and a hope-you-wake-up and waking up to find someones fingers INSIDE YOU ffs.