Sensitive question about H

[ThreeLittlePandas]

I've been putting off asking this because I'm scared of what your answers might be. I'm really evaluating my relationship with h atm and wondering wether to leave him and I think the answer to my question might heavily influence my decision.

in advance.

Dh and I rarely have sex. When we do it is rather boring but he is considerate.

The other evening I went to bed early as I was desperately tired. I was woken a few hours later my dh who had his fingers in me. I was heavily asleep and by the time I realised what was happening he was having sex with me. He finished quickly and that was it. I really hadn't wanted to have sex and feel like I wasn't given an option. The next day I felt a bit angry and almost violated to be honest.

I'm not looking for anything other than an opportunity to talk this through because it's been bothering me. This is about the third time in the last couple of years that something like this has happened.

Don't waste your time, AF.

I know, fab, but thanks

have had a shitty day at work, and I just wanted to get it out x

OP, I hope you are doing ok. Still thinking of you. Will you be able to sleep in your toddler's room again tonight? Am I right in thinking you were going to do that last night? I imagine the atmosphere in the house must be horrendous. Is there anyway you can get out for a bit, visit friends or family?

I feel for how awful Op, what he is doing to u is rape. I would leave him because what he is doing may carry on and u could be hurt even more. Just because he is nice in every other way doesn't make this right. You should break up and get support from your family

I didn't think it was my issue to say but needed to say something too.

Do you want to talk about your day?

thanks but I am fine, fab x

I have

and Corrie

I'm watching corrie too and then might watch masterchef. Dh has tomorrow off so he is taking the pesky kids to school.

has everybody who feels they can been to beautifulrelease 's thread ?

she is in need

she was whobuilt who flounced off with angry denials about her own situation upthread

(it's no secret, she said as much here)

I have been lurking on this thread and have been saddened by those who can't see what is wrong with the OP's situation.
I was talking to my 15 year old son while we prepared dinner and I mentioned this thread (that the OP's husband had sex with her while she was sleeping). His immediate reaction was "What the hell? That's rape!" If a 15 year old doesn't need it explained, surely no adult should. that anyone should be treated this way.

You're right fairylights. The only people pretending that men don't know this is rape are the women who need to believe that myth, because they are being raped. The bargain they have made to stay in their relationships is that the men think they are having 'sex'. The only people who really believe this lie are the victims and that is terribly sad.

I think it's right that we should talk to our children about this sort of thing. God forbid they'd be in that situation, but if they were, they'd know that they could do something about it.

AF, I read beautifulrelease's thread, but really have no idea what to say. She's so determined to stay with him, I could cry for her.

I know, infinite

I've been thinking about this thread all day and hoping the OP is okay.

It's made me think again about the power of porn. I remember when my son was about 11 and coming home from school on his own - the search history was there for all to see - boobs.com, breasts.com, girls.com etc.

I went onto one of the sites he'd been on and there were links there to sites which had pictures of sex with animals.

When I was young, boys had to make do with women in their underwear in Littlewoods catalogues. If they had a magazine, they were very lucky and chances are the images would be pretty tame by today's standards.

If 11 year old boys are accessing extreme pictures and videos at a time when they are really, really unable to cope with them, at a point where their hormones are rampaging through their bodies, then it's inevitable those are the things that will turn them on. It doesn't bear thinking about, that young men, who typically were turned on by just about anything, could only be turned on by extreme images.

I'm sure the OP's husband didn't start off with rape fantasies. They would have been apparent long before she married him. But by accessing porn sites constantly, I think he'd need stronger and stronger images to get turned on. Eventually she can't do it for him and the wanker's grip means that sex itself is often dissatisfying. So eventually he's found himself on rape sites - maybe ten years ago he'd be horrified to think he'd do that. Maybe even today he doesn't let himself think about it - after all, he might reason, she's asleep, isn't she? Why would she mind?

But now he's in a position where he doesn't want to make love to her. He doesn't want affection. He doesn't even want a blow job. He wants to reenact those films he's seen, that turned him on after he'd got bored with regular porn.

I don't think there's any way back, for him. He'd have to want to change, but whilst the siren of the porn videos is beckoning him on his computer and on his phone, I think it'll be impossible for him to resist.

As for you, OP, I hope you find the strength to get away from him. You can't be part of his cure. He's done untold damage. He needs intensive psychiatric help now and I doubt he'll go looking for it.

Sorry Imperial, xposted.
What worries me about it is that some of the serial killers killed for that exact reason- to have sex with a completely inanimate body- I don't think that what the OP's husband is doing is a million miles away from that.

oh god, i can't believe what cg said, i am so shocked that she says she 'thinks' he may have even done it to her when she was comatose from drinking, and that they had a laugh about it next day. oh my fucking god. just can't get my head around the fact she thinks that's funny.

op. hope you are ok.

Piratecat, i guess relationships are all different, and people's sexual tastes are different. If cg and her dp both see it as sleep sex and not rape, there is a chance it is not a problem for them. there is also the chance they are both in denial, but we can't know that.
The important thing here is that the op feels violated and distressed by what happened, very different from cg.

op is the most important person and what she feels is paramount here.

what cg said upset me

Just wanted to tell you all I've had a wonderful evening watching my Dd dance. It has really given me a lift. Don't our children bring us such strength?

I'm avoiding any conversation with H. I need to put all these thoughts out of my head for a while so I can sleep.

that sounds lovely, pandas (the dancing bit)

sleep well, and let your thoughts fall down where they may

Panda's - My boys have helped me through my darkest moments - I used to love a game of snakes and ladders or Ludo or Monopoly!

You do whatever gives you hope and power.

I hope you get a decent nights kip

"Regardless of what people think it was that happened that night I feel violated and abused. I feel sick when I think about it. I can't even look at him tonight and I certainly can't love him now. He crossed a line. There is no going back."

Just thought it was worth reposting this from the OP at 8.45pm yesterday. Whether posters think this kind of behaviour is normal or legal, the OP is not happy with it, has told her husband that and HE HAS REPEATEDLY IGNORED HER.

The OP is upset and came here for support. This isn't a discussion thread or an intellectual debate about what a 'normal' sex life looks like. It is a support thread for a distressed and worried woman and perhaps we could all think about that a bit more when we post. Pandas, thinking of you again tonight, sorry that your thread has turned into a bunfight. Take care.

TLP- I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, I admire you on this thread and that you haven't been put off by these shocking people who cannot grasp that a man who won't go sexually near his partner at any time other than when he sneaks in and rapes her while she is asleep has a serious psychological issue and that you as his wife do not have to minimise this and put up with it.

His behaviour is so alarming (and of course illegal). If you have seen me post before you will know that I am not given to any sort of sensationalism but unless this man wants to change and gets himself into intensive psychosexual therapy this behaviour could spread beyond you to others whom he decides are available. Please take care of yourself and do not feel obligation to stay with someone who rapes you. I would also suggest STI check ups in case he is sleeping with prostitutes at these times when you don't know where he is.

Wishing you strength.