Sensitive question about H

[ThreeLittlePandas]

I've been putting off asking this because I'm scared of what your answers might be. I'm really evaluating my relationship with h atm and wondering wether to leave him and I think the answer to my question might heavily influence my decision.

in advance.

Dh and I rarely have sex. When we do it is rather boring but he is considerate.

The other evening I went to bed early as I was desperately tired. I was woken a few hours later my dh who had his fingers in me. I was heavily asleep and by the time I realised what was happening he was having sex with me. He finished quickly and that was it. I really hadn't wanted to have sex and feel like I wasn't given an option. The next day I felt a bit angry and almost violated to be honest.

I'm not looking for anything other than an opportunity to talk this through because it's been bothering me. This is about the third time in the last couple of years that something like this has happened.

That is what I said hours ago wannabe. It is as clear as the letters on this post.

curious and TLP I keep starting to type and then not for fear of being flamed for speaking my mind. I think I am in agreement with you here curious . I think that OP has a lot to deal with inasmuch as there has been - in my opinion a massive knee jerk reaction (which is probably what OP should have done to her oh) . There has been a massive betrayal of trust and respect here because the dh took such knowing advantage of TLP. That is a given. I am not saying that is acceptable but I do feel in my opinion - an opinion to which I am entitled - that there is a bit of an extreme response on this thread. I am only offering my thoughts. And believe me, I know first had what it feels like to be in an abusive relationship so I am not condoning TLP's husband's behaviour for one minute but I think it is scaring her more than the act itself. I am happy to admit I am wrong, if I am but I am merely offering my perspective

I mean I think the thread is scaring her

TwoPeas your story is heartbreaking. Would you consider starting your own thread, just to talk it through?

Forgot to add TLP- my mum is also not supportive but for different reasons, I am too scared in RL to involve her in something thats so private and has conflicted my emotions so badly. I went to the docs and spoke to a counsellor instead, he gave me strategies for remaining positive and keeping myself safe and in control until after the babys born- it was invaluable and will be ongoing, so I reccommend you to do similar if you feel it would help. It made me nearly sick with worry going there, but it has seriously kept me on track with the strain of this 'hidden' problem, and I imagine it would help you too, with rebuilding self esteem and getting perspective. my instinct was to cover the situation up and keep face but I cannot lose ALL of my self esteem so this is a better way.

Oh twopeas I'm so sorry

I often wondered to myself while I was on your thread if this was also happening to you. It seemed almost impossible that a man who liked rape porn wouldn't be a rapist. You're a brave, lovely woman for coming to help on another woman's thread.

so allergic, despite the whole thread moving on and Pandas struggle to discuss this, you're going to sit in the camp of 'well you're probably wring, it's not really that disrespectiful'...I mean actually despite what she says it makes her feel.

How long will it take until every single woman realises that her body is hers and being in a relationship of any kind does not buy anyone else access rights over you.

two peas - you're a star.

TwoPeas, I'm so sorry you're going through this too. And with a baby due soon it must be so difficult. Just try and concentrate on you for now. Be kind to yourself. Then when you're in a stronger place you can find the strength to leave.
It's a terrible feeling to be betrayed in such a despicable way by the person you should be able to trust more than anyone.

I just got a load of junk mail and one of the leaflets was for a rape helpline in my town. How weird it came today!

Twopeas

LTA - no, I am not wanting to make Panda feel any worse than she does. The way her husband used her body is wrong and disrespectful. If you knew my story you would realise that I have first hand knowledge of this to a greater degree . I totally empathise with how she is feeling. Totally and utterly. I am not undermining what has gone on here. Not for one second. It is unearthing all kinds of memories in me. =All that I am saying is I think it would be fair to let the OP establsh how she feels herself and not foist other's feelings on her. That's all. She clearly feels wretched and that something is dreadfully wrong. It is. But because this thread is very emotive and brutal (for want of a better word) I think she needs time to digest and absorb waht is being said instead of people urging her to leave and tell him he is a rapist. That;s all. Like I said it is my opinion and mine alone. No one need agree with it. I'm just voicing it. Simple as.

Well all any of us can do is give our opinions and experiences. If OP needs to step away from this thread for a while and have some space to think things through on her own, then I'm sure everyone would understand, and also sure she's quite capable of deciding whether or not she wants to do that!

Sorry to hear so many have been through this or similar experiences :(

Allergic. I wonder if it is the very fact that you have been in an abusive relationship yourself that makes you feel its not that bad.

Curious - honestly, if your DH keeps forgetting that you have asked him repeatedly not to have sex with you while you are asleep, I think you should consider talking to him about consulting a doctor about his memory. Forgetting to buy milk on the way home is fairly normal (although irritating!). Forgetting that you have repeatedly had a conversation in which your wife explicitly tells you not to perform a very specific sex act really isn't. Best of luck.

Thanks MNHQ

Allergic - I'm sorry that you have also been a victim of rape. But I'm not sure how helpful it is to be comparing rape in "degrees" or to be feeling the need to voice your opinion where the OP has made it very clear how she feels.

Twopeas - you're so brave.

Three - Do you think you might be able to give them a call?

I can't explain 'weird' anymore than it was just a feeling of something not being right. I also some have a strong feeling that he is lying about where he has been or why he is late home from work.

I haven't looked on the pc yet. He wouldn't leave the history on there anyway, he's very sneaky I think. I post from my phone, it's safer like that.

Its fucking stupid that people on here are trying to minimise the OPs experience, and say it isn't rape. She feels wrong about it, it is grossly disrespectful, and yet clearly is something that happens to lots and lots of women who are otherwise intelligent and aiming for being strong/aware, I count myself as one of them, and it has taken me till now to fully realise what this is at its face value. Because of the lack of violence etc that people assimilate with rape, does not mean that this is not a form of rape.

Cailin your posts are so measured and sensible, breath of fresh air. I am not mentally in the right place to begin a thread, but the whole rape awareness campaign on here is making for very useful reading right now. And am painfully aware that I should stp hijacking the OPs thread, but i want her to see that men who act this way are wrong and don't view you as you have thought, even years downt he line. It is insiduous.

Charbon it sounds RIDICULOUS that I have avoided 'realising' whats been happening, what comes to mind is the last time it happened and I told him I felt like nothing but a human wank-sock for him (sorry if that sounds awful) and he just laughed, looking back there was no kissing or stroking or any normal sexual preamble to ANY of these unwanted fucks, so why has it taken me to this point, after that long thread on his rape obsession PLUS me starting counselling, to realise hes been acting out a fucking rape fantasy on me?!
this happened during this pregnancy when i was too big/stiff to really 'put up a fight'. I am so and feel utterly sick. I hope the OP sees sense and begins to put up barriers at the very least, whilst deciding which course of action to take

PPOIMT - I do think it is bad. Of course I do. I can see it a lot better from the outside looking in - believe me, when you are in that relationship it is a lot more difficult to acknowledge it. Taht is why MN is good for airing your difficulties and gaining perspective. I have not for one second said that OP should knuckle down and get on with it. But I think we need to acknowledge that maybe her husband genuinely doesn't see it as rape. In that case it needs to be pointed out to him in no uncertain terms that it is - or could be labelled at such. Of course it does. But maybe she doesn't want her world turned on its head if it is a salvageable situation. I'm just offering another view.

I can't call them yet Shirley, I wouldn't be able to find the words. I might email though but need to build myself up to it.

AllergicToNutters - Be careful what you write, I appreciate that you are the only person here who agrees with me, but most of my posts have been deleted by mumsnet despite not being offensive at all.

I suppose if you're not all of one mind you don't belong here??

I understand Three. and you must go at your own pace. I am a little worried about your husband though lovey - He's not reacting in a very "positive" way here and I'm concerned about you.

I think your instincts are brilliant pandas.

When did he stop having consensual sex with you and start coming to bed once you were asleep? And thinking back, did this coincide with the 'irritations' you mentioned upthread? What has irritated you about things that he does and says?

You can check the PC for cookies, or his phone bills for internet useage. Does your main PC have lots of pop-ups or breakdowns due to viruses? Have you checked it for additional secret E mail accounts that will detail any secret online purchases?

TLP - would you prefer me to stop posting? I understand if you do. I don;t wish to cause you further upset. But I have walked in your shoes....

FFS curious - MNHQ are running a campaign called We Believe You aimed at helping rape victims - can you understand that having posts blaming the victim and urging them to be raped a bit more because the husband might not understand that having sex with someone whop is asleep is wrong runs counter to that campaign.

Really, what ARE you trying to achieve here? Don't answer that I'm sick of talking to you.