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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sensitive question about H

709 replies

ThreeLittlePandas · 14/03/2012 11:52

I've been putting off asking this because I'm scared of what your answers might be. I'm really evaluating my relationship with h atm and wondering wether to leave him and I think the answer to my question might heavily influence my decision.

Blush in advance.

Dh and I rarely have sex. When we do it is rather boring but he is considerate.

The other evening I went to bed early as I was desperately tired. I was woken a few hours later my dh who had his fingers in me. I was heavily asleep and by the time I realised what was happening he was having sex with me. He finished quickly and that was it. I really hadn't wanted to have sex and feel like I wasn't given an option. The next day I felt a bit angry and almost violated to be honest.

I'm not looking for anything other than an opportunity to talk this through because it's been bothering me. This is about the third time in the last couple of years that something like this has happened.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 15/03/2012 11:53

I wouldn't rather be raped at all, to be honest. But at least I have some safeguards against a stranger - like, him not being in my bed to start with, for example. I'd like to be able to trust my husband and the father of my children.

Ephiny · 15/03/2012 11:53

Honestly the more I think about it the more ridiculous it seems. Is it worse for a child to be abused by a close family member, or a stranger? Both happen. Both are awful. It's not a competition.

CailinDana · 15/03/2012 11:53

So if a rapist looks bewildered then that's ok? I must remember to tell that to my male friends. If a woman accuses you of rape, be sure to look bewildered, that'll get you off the hook.

Curious why on earth are you fixating on the husband and his reactions. OK, he looked bewildered, does that negate everything the OP is feeling? Does that mean it's ok for him to throw little digs at the OP in front of her children to make her feel nervous and upset?

fabwoman · 15/03/2012 11:54

Oh come off it! She has told him more than once she doesn't like it _he has continued to do it. How do you justify that CG?

curiousgeorgie · 15/03/2012 11:55

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antlerqueen · 15/03/2012 11:55

I think the aggression is more telling tbh.

antlerqueen · 15/03/2012 11:56

Curiousgeorge, how bewildered can he really be when she has told him more than once before?

crunchbag · 15/03/2012 11:56

*Earlier in the thread I urged posters to report some posts which are unsupportive and include rape myths.

I'm just going to repeat myself.

Please report.*

will do ShirleyKnot

CailinDana · 15/03/2012 11:57

I'm trying hard to understand what you're saying Curious, I really am, but I just can't. Do you think as her husband he has the right to do this to her?

fabwoman · 15/03/2012 11:59

It's her HUSBAND."

And? That doesn't give him the right to do anything he wants with her.

I had sex with DH last night. He asked to do something we have done lots before, I said no. He didn't say a word, just asked about something else. THAT is how it should be.

CailinDana · 15/03/2012 11:59

BTW Curious if the OP actually wanted to report her husband to the police I would fully support that and I would help her if she wanted me to.

curiousgeorgie · 15/03/2012 11:59

Shirley - Fine. I'm done. I just think that if the OP leaves her husband and the father of her child on the advice of all of you rather than trying to work it out or understand why he did it, then that is a shame. (For the child, and for her if he actually feels remorse as he dodn't now what he was doing)

Thats why I was trying to give another point of view. It's not vindictive or unsupportive, quite the opposite.

But theres nothing I can say clearly.

curiousgeorgie · 15/03/2012 12:00

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CailinDana · 15/03/2012 12:00

Curious, why does the OP have to do all the work? She did talk to him, and he made excuses. What else can she do?

rockinhippy · 15/03/2012 12:01

Its rape, pure and simple Angry

get shot of the tosser, you deserve FAR better

I hope you are okay, its going to be tough, but you will end up in a far better place, honestly you will

keep a diary & get some legal advice on the legal section here , of wikivorce - also see a solicitor, you can often get a free consultation - prepare yourself by listing what you need to know about finances, property etc

You AND your kids deserve better

curiousgeorgie · 15/03/2012 12:01

Shirley - Why exactly are you reporting me? I'm confused. I haven't said or done anything wrong.

LucyManga · 15/03/2012 12:01

Often, after men batter their wives, they cry and are sad.

Ephiny · 15/03/2012 12:01

Apparently he was remorseful last time, and the time before...I'd be taking any 'remorse' with a pinch of salt if I were the OP!

CailinDana · 15/03/2012 12:01

Curious, every time your husband has sex with you he should make sure you're conscious and responding positively. He doesn't have to politely ask, he just has to do the simple thing of engaging with a person who is actually awake and clearly enjoying themselves. To just go ahead and have sex with you while you're unconscious is just disgusting it really is.

LucyManga · 15/03/2012 12:02

I like to be conscious& when I have sex, curious, yes.

antlerqueen · 15/03/2012 12:02

Do you honestly think it would be better for her and the kids if he stayed with a man who, by now is making her feel uncomfortable and afraid? Who is not trying to have a consensual loving sexual relationship with her but resorts to molesting her when he knows she's drugged and sleepy?

ErikNorseman · 15/03/2012 12:03

But Curiousgeorgie

  • OP had already told him not to do this to her
  • It is a clear and accepted fact that sexual contact with someone against their will is wrong
  • This man had sexual contact with this woman without her consent

The fact that he pretends not to understand why this is wrong does not mean it is not wrong! How do you not understand that?

LucyManga · 15/03/2012 12:03

He stays up late to watch porn, wont have sex with her, yet waits until she is asleep and on medication to rape her.

I think she'd be well shot of him, yep.

CailinDana · 15/03/2012 12:03

And I don't buy for a second that it can be hard to tell if someone consents to sex or not. If someone is not enjoying or engaging fully in sex it is very very obvious.

Charbon · 15/03/2012 12:05

Georgie, can I suggest you start a thread and/or speak to Rape Crisis about your disclosure that despite you telling your husband not to have sex without your permission, it keeps happening and that you regard it as no more serious than him 'forgetting' to wash up or bring home groceries. Once you've processed this, tell your friends because if what you say about the three of you is correct and the lives you are leading, you all need some help.