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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sensitive question about H

709 replies

ThreeLittlePandas · 14/03/2012 11:52

I've been putting off asking this because I'm scared of what your answers might be. I'm really evaluating my relationship with h atm and wondering wether to leave him and I think the answer to my question might heavily influence my decision.

Blush in advance.

Dh and I rarely have sex. When we do it is rather boring but he is considerate.

The other evening I went to bed early as I was desperately tired. I was woken a few hours later my dh who had his fingers in me. I was heavily asleep and by the time I realised what was happening he was having sex with me. He finished quickly and that was it. I really hadn't wanted to have sex and feel like I wasn't given an option. The next day I felt a bit angry and almost violated to be honest.

I'm not looking for anything other than an opportunity to talk this through because it's been bothering me. This is about the third time in the last couple of years that something like this has happened.

OP posts:
dollymixtures · 14/03/2012 20:29

And how can he love her when he doesn't want to have sex with her conscious person?

Look my DP likes all kind of kinky shit BUT strangely he views sex as a team activity. Mostly because he likes me and respects me as a person in my own right and not as a series of holes designed for his pleasure.

Goo father, my blazing arse Angry

dollymixtures · 14/03/2012 20:29

Too angry to type properly, that should be "good" father Obv.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 14/03/2012 20:33

I'd have a very stern chat and explain that he is not to do it again and advise him that the his raping you

Jesus wept. This is one of the most ridiculous things I have read on MN. Anyway, back to the OP. Hope you are OK, feel very Sad for you.

PooPooInMyToes · 14/03/2012 20:36

Why do you think your mother would be disappointed in you?

Also is it that relevant? This is your life not hers. Would you advise a friend to stay in an unhappy marriage so as not to disappoint or upset their mother? What if that friends husband was having sex with her without her consent? Would you advise that friend to put up with it for the rest of her life just so to avoid upsetting her mum?

Im not saying you have to tell your mum, but try not to base your decision on what to do with your life based on what she would approve of. You are an adult and get to chose what you put up with.

Original poster
ThreeLittlePandas · 14/03/2012 20:42

HereIGo thank you, truly.

My mother is very self absorbed. When I was 17 my boyfriend beat me up. I'll never forget sitting on the couch with her stood over me shouting "how could you put us through this" Sad

OP posts:
RachelWalsh · 14/03/2012 20:44

Pandas i really feel for you and what you are going through. It is absolutely not ok what he has done and it is rape. Your feelings of violation and anger are legitimate and understandable. It is a betrayal too, of the trust you invested in this man and that must be very painful as well.

A wise friend once told me that often we seek to minimise what has happened to us in these situations (by not using the word rape or not recognising it as such) because we don't want to think of ourselves as victims and we don't want to think of the world as a place where sometimes bad things happen to us without us having had any choice in the matter.

I think sadly sometimes people seek to deny the truth of others situations too because it would mean reframing their own experience in ways they aren't ready to do. I think that has happened a lot on this thread.

Original poster
ThreeLittlePandas · 14/03/2012 20:45

Regardless of what people think it was that happened that night I feel violated and abused. I feel sick when I think about it. I can't even look at him tonight and I certainly can't love him now. He crossed a line. There is no going back.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 14/03/2012 20:47

The fact that you feel that way is a very positive thing, though I know it mustn't seem that way to you.

PooPooInMyToes · 14/03/2012 20:48

Oh she's one of them! Frankly if all your mother could think about when her young daughter had just been beaten up was herself then she's a fucking arsehole.

Im guessing that her treatment of you has left you with low self esteem leading to the abusive boyfriend and now a wrongun for a husband! It rubs off when people raise you to believe that their feelings matter more then yours and that you need to put up with all sorts of Shit to keep the peace.

What you have to remember is that your mother has proven to you through her selfishness that her opinion matters for nothing. Stop trying to please her. It will just make you miserable.

CailinDana · 14/03/2012 20:48

I should have explained that more. What I mean is, the fact that you recognise that it shouldn't have happened and that you need to get away from him is a positive thing.

CailinDana · 14/03/2012 20:49

I have a mother like that too Pandas. It's shit.

Original poster
ThreeLittlePandas · 14/03/2012 20:50

Yep, my self esteem flat lined years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThreeLittlePandas · 14/03/2012 20:51

THank you Cailin

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/03/2012 20:51

OP, don't let the thought of your narcissistic mother's reaction influence your thought process one way or the other

dollymixtures · 14/03/2012 20:59

Pandas it sounds like you are clearer in your own mind now, that's got to be a good thing. Is there anyone in real life you could pop round to see or ring for a chat just do you don't have to be around him tonight? For your own sanity more than anything else.

Your mother sounds like a fool - how did she end up with such a smart strong daughter? Smile

AnyFucker · 14/03/2012 21:01

Any mother that would put saving her own face in front of the neighbours over her own daughter's distress doesn't deserve the title Angry

Charbon · 14/03/2012 21:02

Some empathy here too about your Mum Pandas Sad

So sorry your self esteem has been battered. Sounds like your husband has been trying to finish off a job that your Mum started.

But they haven't done that you know. You've been incredibly strong today starting this thread. You've also dealt with the derailers and apologists brilliantly. You're stronger than you think and you deserve an enormous amount of credit for the way you've conducted yourself today and for the bravery and courage you've shown reaching out to us and telling us your story. You should be so proud of yourself.

AnyFucker · 14/03/2012 21:04

Hear hear

Bongobaby · 14/03/2012 21:06

whiz you really haven,t got a clue what you are talking about seriously. or clearly you haven,t read op thread PROPERLY as to what h has done been doing without her consent!!!!!!!

Original poster
ThreeLittlePandas · 14/03/2012 21:16

Oh wow thank you. It's been a fair while since anyone said anything so nice to me.

I've just managed to get the last of the dc up to bed. Going to pour a large glass of red and then talk to H. I have to hear what he has to say for himself. Feel sick, again.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 14/03/2012 21:18

Good luck with the chat Pandas. Don't let him convince you that your feelings are not valid. He will probably try to minimise the whole thing.

Bongobaby · 14/03/2012 21:19

Panda have your wine,be strong and get it all out to him,you can do it and we are all here for you. good luck. hugs to you.

LucyManga · 14/03/2012 21:19

Good luck Pandas. Stay strong and dont take any shit.

AnyFucker · 14/03/2012 21:20

Think of all of us holding your hand, pandas

Remember one thing... you don't deserve this

oikopolis · 14/03/2012 21:23

thinking of you Pandas