Sensitive question about H

[ThreeLittlePandas]

I've been putting off asking this because I'm scared of what your answers might be. I'm really evaluating my relationship with h atm and wondering wether to leave him and I think the answer to my question might heavily influence my decision.

in advance.

Dh and I rarely have sex. When we do it is rather boring but he is considerate.

The other evening I went to bed early as I was desperately tired. I was woken a few hours later my dh who had his fingers in me. I was heavily asleep and by the time I realised what was happening he was having sex with me. He finished quickly and that was it. I really hadn't wanted to have sex and feel like I wasn't given an option. The next day I felt a bit angry and almost violated to be honest.

I'm not looking for anything other than an opportunity to talk this through because it's been bothering me. This is about the third time in the last couple of years that something like this has happened.

X-post sorry Oik, I know from your other posts that that was a genuine mistake.

Jesus tonight is hard. Trying to avoid him but he knows something is wrong and is following me round the house like a lost puppy.

Have an awful sick feeling in my stomach. An awful realisation that somebody you thought you knew inside out isn't that person at all. It's like being married to a stranger.

Sorry it's so hard, I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have to think all this through.

This is so awful. Does anyone remember a thread where the OP's husband had been viewing rape videos? She said there was a video where a girl was drugged in the back of a car and a man was raping her. It scared the life out of me; I couldn't stop thinking about it.

The OP has surprised few of us by saying he has had a huge problem with porn. I think in her position I'd want to look at his computer to see what he's up to.

OP, this is so dreadful; I can't imagine being frightened to go to sleep but being drugged by meds so that sleep is inevitable. You need to make sure you are safe at night if you are delaying making any other decision. Do you have a spare room you could go to and have a lock put on the door?

It's threads like this that really make me glad to be single. And anyone who thinks porn has no effect on a man should really read this thread.

I can relate to that Pandas. After my ex raped me I couldn't look him full in the face any more. Like I said I still talk to him now and again but I avoid being around him (we have mutual friends) as I just can't relax around him. He would never do anything to me, yet I don't really feel safe around him.

Could you tell him to give you some space?

I think getting the kids to bed early would be fine in this circumstance and then you can talk to your husband.

Please don't think he doesn't know what is wrong. One of the biggest myths about rape is that men don't know what is consent. Your husband knows full well he is wrong and if he's looking worried, it's not about you, it's about him and what you might do about the situation.

Until you're able to speak to Rape Crisis, it might be best to minimise any interactions with him. I do feel for you, but you have been so brave starting this thread and admitting what's led up to this. That, together with the first time you tell the story in real-life, was the most important step.

I agree with IB about the porn. Like others, as soon as I saw your OP it was obvious he was a porn user.

I agree with Charbon says. When I challenged my ex about what he did, he used the word "rape" before I did, so it was clear that he knew it was wrong. It didn't even occur to me that it was rape until he said it, and to be honest in my heart I don't see it as rape, even though technically it is.

Cailin, how did he phrase it? Did he say, "It's not as though I'm raping you" or did he admit it was rape. I've always thought it would take a hell of a lot for someone to admit to raping a woman.

I have to say I am disgusted by people who have just read the opening OP and then let fly with their opinions. It's disgraceful not to read every post from the OP before making suggestions.

HereIGo, I really can't tell anybody. I don't have that kind of relationship with my family. I also really don't want anyone to know, not sure why, but once I tell people in real life it becomes more real. At the moment it sort of feels like I'm talking about somebody else.

If I told my parents they would be so disappointed with me. My mum thinks he is the perfect man. She really loves him and thinks he looks after me and dc.

thinking of you Pandas you are so brave.
i really think you should tell someone, or ring the crisis line (i know you don't like the word, you don't have to use it if you don't want to)
but even if you don't you will still find support here. what's happened to you is so wrong.

She would be disappointed with you? Are you sure?

What's your relationship like with your mum? I know many mums are really fond of their son in law and idealise them, but do you really think she would be disappointed with you, rather than furious with him?

I understand if you don't think your family would be supportive, but why would they be disappointed with you Pandas? You've done nothing wrong and the disappointment (which feels too mild a word) is all yours isn't it?

I think it would be best to speak to someone anonymous first. It will make it seem real without there being any pressure put on you to do anything you don't want to.

Panda . You don't have to do anything yet if your head is still processing it all; you don't have to post here or talk to him or anything until you feel ready to.

I don't know what to say really except that this is probably the best place to deal with something like this, so many wise women and so many strong women who can help you work it all through. Thinking of you tonight.

In the morning he asked me why I ran away and I said it was because I was afraid and I didn't want to have sex. He said that I should have said something and I replied something along the lines of "How could I say anything? I was asleep!" His exact words were "You're making it sound rapey," I shit you not. I don't think I said anything in reply. It was a very on/off relationship so I told him later that I didn't think it was going to work and we should just end it once and for all. He did ask if it was because of what happened and I said it was part of it.

wasn't going to work

Just remembered a suggestion from another thread similar to yours (I've seen a lot over the years ) to ring The Samaritans if you can't face rape crisis or womens aid. They will listen and not judge and they're a step removed IYSWIM.

Samaritans are a very good idea, I used them a lot when I was depressed and they were a lifeline.

Whiz, are you saying it doesn't matter what the OP feels as long as her husband doesn't realise he was raping her? Is that a valid defence in your mind?

FFS READ THE THREAD

She has told him and he still did it! And what the jeff has being married got to do with it? Sex without consent is still rape (in the eyes of the law and any morally continent person) even if it's with your wife.

Rape in marriage has been illegal since 1991. Every man knows he can't rape his wife, just as they know they have to wear seatbelts, can't smoke in a pub or drink and drive.

He knows alright.