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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP's career and family always come first

110 replies

Anna1976 · 12/03/2012 06:53

So what, you say...

the minor difference is that we don't have kids... i have a slightly more high-powered career than he does... and a while back we had a conversation about priorities having to change if kids were going to happen.

Since then, I have used up my own annual leave to singlehandedly shop for, cook for, and entertain his elderly parents, because he was too busy with work and couldn't understand that you don't leave a couple of 77+ year olds at a loose end in central london... i have left alone my own elderly parents because he threw a strop about me not coming to all his family events..... and now he's off to a conference, leaving me using my annual leave once again, to shop for, cook for and entertain friends coming to visit him (not me, they don't like me), because he has invited them to our flat and can't see the problem and is saying "well just get some takeaways, you earn enough" - great - takeaways for the 1 & 3 year old kids, for example.

Now i know there could be a middle ground, i could tell his family and friends to entertain themselves - but frankly I am fed up with him never changing his priorities. A big part of his self-definition is what a lovely set of friends and a lovely family he has - but it's always me doing all the bloody work, me buying the christmas and birthday presents, me doing all the cooking when they come to visit, me entertaining them as opposed to just talking about my own career...

Oh and he doesn't do holidays, except to visit his family. He has never initiated any activity that hasn't been a social occasion with his friends... no concerts, no art galleries, no films, no museums, no holidays, unless I organise the lot - and if we do anything like that, he spends most of the time talking about his work.

Anyone got more positive solutions than "leave the bastard"? At the moment it sounds quite attractive... I could use my annual leave to go on holidays/to concerts, mseums, galleries by myself and enjoy the lack of discussion of "D"P's work...

OP posts:

googietheegg · 12/03/2012 07:00

Why do you keep doing everything? He lets you do it because you're prepared to be a martyr. What are you getting out of this relationship? The 'you earn enough' comment sounds like he can't handle your success, rather than being proud of you.

SamsGoldilocks · 12/03/2012 07:03

What do you get from the relationship, because at the moment it seems like you're acting/being put into the role of housekeeper?

How would you like the relationship to be? Is he likely to change to meet your needs? If not, I reckon it is time to move on.

HappyCamel · 12/03/2012 07:04

Ex was like this, after three years I don't him. Within a year we were both engaged to other people. We still see them (same church). Let's just say that live transformed him, all those things he couldn't do for e are no trouble with her. Because now he wants to.

I'd be careful about sticking with someone who shows so little empathy.

hathorinareddress · 12/03/2012 07:07

He's never going to change. Get out now.

Original poster

Anna1976 · 12/03/2012 07:09

Yep - I'm beginning to agree, Happy Camel. Googie & Sams - yep, i've articulated that I'd like the relationship to have priorities that include discussion and consideration of each other (and of others - you don't just leave 77 year olds to go and find a supermarket for themselves and do all their own cooking when they're jetlagged as hell).

He thinks that his input into the relationship is awesome because it involves hanging out the washing once every few weeks. and leaving mine in a pile beside the racks while he takes his downstairs and folds it properly and puts it away. He also will do the shopping when I tell him he HAS to do it, and give him a shopping list (he then acts aggrieved and hero-like for weeks).

Sod it. I'm not painting a very attractive picture here, am I?

I also feel guilty in that i only ever get on MN to moan and whine and most of my highly autonomous life is actually rather nice.

OP posts:

Littlefish · 12/03/2012 07:10

What do you enjoy about the relationship? Do you have any shared interests or goals? To be honest, you sound more like a housekeeper then a partner. On the other hand, you have chosen to do all these things? What will actually happen if you stop doing them?

Original poster

Anna1976 · 12/03/2012 07:11

Hathor - you may well be right.

Does anyone have any positive words about how to sodding well force him to change? Or is he actually just trying to make me leave so he can find someone better with whom to produce heirs for his darling family?

OP posts:

Lueji · 12/03/2012 07:14

I suppose he can change, but you have to be prepared to leave him if he doesn't.

Labootin · 12/03/2012 07:15

Why would HE want to change?
He's got you running round sorting out his stuff.

AllShiney · 12/03/2012 07:15

He does sound very self obsessed.

What do you want to do? You have to tell him calmly that you need it to change but I wouldn't hold your breath for that happening tbh.

You're not really getting much out of this by the looks of it. But he is getting an awful lot. Look at everything he would have to sort himself if you weren't there. It would be different if he really appreciated you but he only seems interested in himself.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2012 07:17

"Does anyone have any positive words about how to sodding well force him to change?"

No. He is not going to change purely on your say so.

"Or is he actually just trying to make me leave so he can find someone better with whom to produce heirs for his darling family?"

Possibly but you have chosen to run around after him and his family; think you need to ask yourself why. I would also ask you what you are getting out of this relationship now; its not a lot is it?.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/03/2012 07:17

You cannot force a man to change.

MarieFromStMoritz · 12/03/2012 07:17

Stop being a martyr. 77 is not that old, I am sure they can shop & cook for themselves. And as for his friends, if they don't like you, why bother entertaining them?

You need to say no. I had to do this a while back. Like you, my DH's family were the most important thing in his life and I was expected to bend over backwards to accommodate them, even though they didn't like me. A couple of years ago I just decided I wouldn't do it anymore. For instance, I have left it up to him to organise presents, etc for his family. And actually he hasn't bought any presents for any of them since then. Useless fuck.

I love him though, and he is great in other ways. I just needed to say no. Which is what you need to do.

Original poster

Anna1976 · 12/03/2012 07:17

Littlefish -
he is insighful, especially about people, maths, computers, abstract thought... Probably not any more than your average reasonably experienced psych or medic for the people bit; probably not more than the average mathematician for hte other bit - the unusual combination is attractive. And we have shared interests in music and sport, though we don't do sport together, and he treats the music as a vehicle for his social life - we don't ever talk about it at home by ourselves, because he can never be bothered.

If I don't look after his parents - then they'll be sad and a bit lonely and I won't have done anything to help them (and they're lovely, if a bit self-absorbed). if I don't look after his friends it will be a bit embarrassing because they're staying in our flat and we'll be meeting in every room. I've told him I am definitely not doing the wrong thing by my parents ever again just so I can play the dutiful trophy partner at his myriad family gatherings. This then becomes a tit-for-tat argument about each other's families coming first. The difference is that i make an effort to be nice to his family, whereas he makes no effort at all over mine.

OP posts:

shinyblackgrape · 12/03/2012 07:19

You can't for e anyone to change. you can only change your behaviour, which might - in turn - cause a change in his.

You need to be very clear about what you are going to do or not do so that there is no argument that you are being "petty" eg - DP when your parents come, I won't be able to do x,y,z. Then if he doesn't do it, too bad for them and him.

To be honest, be does t sound particularly kind or thoughtful so I'm not sure how much I would continue with the relationship.

EdithWeston · 12/03/2012 07:19

As you say, you're not painting a very attractive picture here.

Has he always been like this? If so, I think you need to be hard headed about likelihood (and extent) of possible future change. And then you do need to decide if this is the life you want.

Original poster

Anna1976 · 12/03/2012 07:21

Thanks for even more replies

I don't feel like a martyr here... but am getting fed up.

If i leave, I'll be like his flighty cousin who gets roundly criticised behind her back for being selfish and unwordly and not knowing how to run her own life. She left because her husband was a useless fuck. She returned after 6 months.

i like him a lot of the time. He's the first successful relationship I've had. He's not a complete prick like the previous ones. He likes me a lot of the time.

But it's so.... one sided.

OP posts:

Labootin · 12/03/2012 07:22

I'm not sure people would say "so what" just because of the added .. You do not have children in your OP. It's not the law that the male has dIbs on the best career post children and it's worrying that you think thats the norm.

Honestly you sound like you're making excuses for him being an arse.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/03/2012 07:23

What does he say when you tell him he behaves like he is more important than you?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/03/2012 07:24

He likes me a lot of the time?

WTF? That is not a successful relationship, and you are kidding yourself if you think it is.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2012 07:24

Anna,

re your comment:-
"If I don't look after his parents - then they'll be sad and a bit lonely and I won't have done anything to help them (and they're lovely, if a bit self-absorbed)".

DO you really think that is the case or have you been conditioned by your bloke to think that?. BTW such people too do not respect you for doing all this for them, they think what a sap.

Not surprised to read that his parents are as self absorbed as he is; this is what he learnt from them. You cannot change your man and trying to do so is a futile exercise. You may want to read "Children of the Self Absorbed" because your man will certainly be within these pages.

So what do you get out of this relationship?. What has kept you within this?.

shinyblackgrape · 12/03/2012 07:24

Too bad if they're sad and lonely. Explain that your parents are when you don't attend family gatherings. I would actually go away when they and the friends are here - you were going to take annual lea e anyway from the sounds of it

if you won't do that, then tell him to make all beds etc for them. If he doesn't, they can help you when he arrives. Also, go out to restaurants and tell them that DP will give them a list if needs be. Tell DP to get some bread and milk in for breakfast if you're feeling charitable.

Original poster

Anna1976 · 12/03/2012 07:25

I guess - can someone find me a kind, helpful, sociable, insightful academic in his mid-30s, with a good understanding of maths and humanity; humility; a good sporty side (not too competitive or aggressive), and a talent for music and enjoyment of singing? Just one who doesn't behave like a selfish 12 year old most of the time?

If they exist I'd be tempted, today, to go and find one.

OP posts:

Labootin · 12/03/2012 07:26

This thread is depressing me.

Labootin · 12/03/2012 07:27

X post

I'd dump loser boy and work on your self esteem before another relationship

( sorry if that's harsh)

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