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Original poster

DP's career and family always come first

110 replies

Anna1976 · 12/03/2012 06:53

So what, you say...

the minor difference is that we don't have kids... i have a slightly more high-powered career than he does... and a while back we had a conversation about priorities having to change if kids were going to happen.

Since then, I have used up my own annual leave to singlehandedly shop for, cook for, and entertain his elderly parents, because he was too busy with work and couldn't understand that you don't leave a couple of 77+ year olds at a loose end in central london... i have left alone my own elderly parents because he threw a strop about me not coming to all his family events..... and now he's off to a conference, leaving me using my annual leave once again, to shop for, cook for and entertain friends coming to visit him (not me, they don't like me), because he has invited them to our flat and can't see the problem and is saying "well just get some takeaways, you earn enough" - great - takeaways for the 1 & 3 year old kids, for example.

Now i know there could be a middle ground, i could tell his family and friends to entertain themselves - but frankly I am fed up with him never changing his priorities. A big part of his self-definition is what a lovely set of friends and a lovely family he has - but it's always me doing all the bloody work, me buying the christmas and birthday presents, me doing all the cooking when they come to visit, me entertaining them as opposed to just talking about my own career...

Oh and he doesn't do holidays, except to visit his family. He has never initiated any activity that hasn't been a social occasion with his friends... no concerts, no art galleries, no films, no museums, no holidays, unless I organise the lot - and if we do anything like that, he spends most of the time talking about his work.

Anyone got more positive solutions than "leave the bastard"? At the moment it sounds quite attractive... I could use my annual leave to go on holidays/to concerts, mseums, galleries by myself and enjoy the lack of discussion of "D"P's work...

OP posts:
MarieFromStMoritz · 12/03/2012 07:27

I don't think you should throw the relationship away, it does sound worth saving, in my opinion. You just need to stop doing the things that make you resentful.

shinyblackgrape · 12/03/2012 07:28

He's not kind and only sociable when you facilitate it. Forget finding someone else. I'd rather be in my own than put up with that

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/03/2012 07:29

Anna I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but your checklist is wrong. It reads like a teenager's.

Shared values and broadly similar goals in life are the basis for a happy relationship and marriage. Whether you like the same band is irrelevant.

mrstiredandconfused · 12/03/2012 07:30

"its the first successful relationship i've had" - love, that speaks volumes. Compared to the previous crap you've put up with he'll be an absolute joy. But you are settling for the least bad relationship you've had.

He is not going to change - end of. But the question is why would you settle for this relationship?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2012 07:30

Sorry Anna but if this person is the first successful relationship you've had then your relationship bar certainly needs to be raised a lot bloody higher. His parents and he are certainly dysfunctional and your man treat you as a personal skivvy and values you only as one.

It also sounds like you've gone from one poor relationship into yet another just as bad. Its a pattern that you are likely to repeat as well unless you start unlearning all the damaging lessons your previous relationship imparted to you.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

I would read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Original poster
Anna1976 · 12/03/2012 07:30

thanks for all the replies. I have to go to work

(btw Labootin - I don't think men have dibs on the best career post children, but it's undeniable that it's often the case, for reasons that are fairly hard to change. in this case it may be a case of leaving him - not because i want children particularly - but because i don't want a life without the changes in priorities that come with children)

it's all a bit mixed up.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 12/03/2012 07:30

It's quite simple - you deserve better.

You have a great job, you're independent, interesting, can manage your life efficiently and be caring for other people even when you don't particularly like them.

He meanwhile (and let's be fair to him) is a useless, lazy, self absorbed arsewipe - and the only bit I inferred from that rather than actually read it in your post is arsewipe.

You just need to believe you deserve better. This guy isn't even second best! He has a ridiculously high opinion of how great he is. He really, really fucking isn't.

Labootin · 12/03/2012 07:31

DP likes coldplAy FFS....

shinyblackgrape · 12/03/2012 07:31

Cross post with alibabaa. I was about to ask why someone having a good understanding of maths was of any importance.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2012 07:33

Your "checklist" also makes for depressing reading. Its also too narrow in scope but what are the reasons behind it?. That is what you need to yourself determine.

This is also why I have asked you what you learnt about relationships when growing up.

Heswall · 12/03/2012 07:35

The only time you can change a man is when he is in nappies. God don't waste your wonderful youth on this twat. You'll look back on these years when you are with a caring partner and cringe. I did the same and cannot believe the lucky escape.

OnlyWantsOne · 12/03/2012 07:36

Seriously though why are you with him? Is he nice and lovely to you? Are you in love with him? Does he make up for this selfishness in other ways?

A relationship is meant to be a partnership. Think how it would be if you had children with this man.

MissBeehivingUnderTheMistletoe · 12/03/2012 07:37

God, this thread is depressing. OP you have hideously low expectations and a man who sounds deeply unattractive.

Nospringflower · 12/03/2012 07:38

I am assuming you have spoken to him and told him you would like him to change? How does he explain things like only hanging up his own washing, not taking annual leave etc? If you tell him you would like him to do specific things does he try to change?

MissBeehivingUnderTheMistletoe · 12/03/2012 07:38

Labootin - leave the bastard Grin

SnapSnafu · 12/03/2012 07:40

Why do you care what his family will say about you when you've split? YOu won't here it.

You could try doing less for him, but I don't think he'll change, not with you.

And yes, the sort of men you describe are ten a penny. Not hearing anything unique there. And I'll up you one that does his share of the laundry and shopping and looking after my parents better than I do, using his annual leave to do so. That's a 2-way street, I think, we both look out for all our family.

SnapSnafu · 12/03/2012 07:40

doh, hear.

MadameChinLegs · 12/03/2012 07:45

He just doesn't seem particularly excited about life. Do you really want to stay with someone so bland?

noinspiration · 12/03/2012 07:54

Hmmm, tough one. He sounds like most of the men in my DH's family. None of them are bad people, they are just ever so slightly on the asperges spectrum.

My advice is man up and take control. Don't take holiday to look after his guests, book holidays, nights out etc yourself and tell him when and where to show up, forget to buy presents and cards for people.... you get the picture. If he is like my ILs he won't actually take offence at this.

Realistically people don't fundamentally change their personality, but you can change how you react to them to make your life better. That's if you want to stay with this man. If not, leave sooner rather than later, as it only gets harder the longer you stay.

AThingInYourLife · 12/03/2012 08:01

"He's the first successful relationship I've had."

Um, no, he's really not.

squeakytoy · 12/03/2012 08:06

He has invited his friends to stay, but wont actually be there, and is expecting you to be a host for them? Fuck that. It is your annual leave, so book yourself on a trip, and let him sort out his friends.

As for being bothered about being compared to his "flighty cousin" if you leave. So what? you have no ties to this selfish man and need never have any contact with him again once the relationship is over.

He likes me a lot of the time.

Not anywhere near good enough. He should love you all of the time.

You are settling for second best if you stay with this man. He sounds selfish and a user.

MrsHoarder · 12/03/2012 08:12

Just because you can make a list on paper of things he is good at, doesn't mean he's a good partner if he doesn't pull his weight (not all of the time, pepole can lean on their partners when things are tough, but most of the time). If he expects you to run around after him, leaves you looking after his family and friends and doesn't organise anything for himself then what does he contribute?

As for stopping yourself having to do these things, organise a "conference" of your own. If you've taken annual leave, go on a holiday for a hobby-type activity rather than facing his friends every 5 minutes. If he invited them and will be away, then its not your fault.

CurrySpice · 12/03/2012 08:16

Do you know what I think is odd? You haven't even said "the thing is, I really love him" or "but he really makes me laugh" or anything like that. It's like you're writing about a housemate.

The closest you've got is to say to like each other most of the time

Doesn't sound good

fuzzpig · 12/03/2012 08:36

What does he actually bring to the relationship, other than the knowledgeability you mentioned earlier?

He doesn't organise anything, he doesn't socialise for you, he doesn't help in the house, so... What does he do?

RoxyRobin · 12/03/2012 08:50

Believe me, he will never change. If you withdraw the services you're providing for him, it won't be a 'wake-up call' for him - he will merely be outraged and consider you completely unreasonable. It would have been better to have dug your heels in much sooner. Sounds like you're too far down the slippery slope to doormatdom to scrabble back up. But why would you want to?