DP's career and family always come first

[Anna1976]

So what, you say...

the minor difference is that we don't have kids... i have a slightly more high-powered career than he does... and a while back we had a conversation about priorities having to change if kids were going to happen.

Since then, I have used up my own annual leave to singlehandedly shop for, cook for, and entertain his elderly parents, because he was too busy with work and couldn't understand that you don't leave a couple of 77+ year olds at a loose end in central london... i have left alone my own elderly parents because he threw a strop about me not coming to all his family events..... and now he's off to a conference, leaving me using my annual leave once again, to shop for, cook for and entertain friends coming to visit him (not me, they don't like me), because he has invited them to our flat and can't see the problem and is saying "well just get some takeaways, you earn enough" - great - takeaways for the 1 & 3 year old kids, for example.

Now i know there could be a middle ground, i could tell his family and friends to entertain themselves - but frankly I am fed up with him never changing his priorities. A big part of his self-definition is what a lovely set of friends and a lovely family he has - but it's always me doing all the bloody work, me buying the christmas and birthday presents, me doing all the cooking when they come to visit, me entertaining them as opposed to just talking about my own career...

Oh and he doesn't do holidays, except to visit his family. He has never initiated any activity that hasn't been a social occasion with his friends... no concerts, no art galleries, no films, no museums, no holidays, unless I organise the lot - and if we do anything like that, he spends most of the time talking about his work.

Anyone got more positive solutions than "leave the bastard"? At the moment it sounds quite attractive... I could use my annual leave to go on holidays/to concerts, mseums, galleries by myself and enjoy the lack of discussion of "D"P's work...

You say that you think your husband SHOULD be doing all the letter writing hospitality stuff, but your main reasoning for this is that to you these things are important and not doing them is "being crap".
He possibly sees no relation between whether or not he is "crap" and how much he fusses after other people. His self worth is maybe not tied up with buying presents/ writing letters/ taking time off for visitors etc.
If he lived alone would he do the stuff you do ? If not and his visitors would just have to look after themselves, some relatives would get vouchers for presents and others would get forgotten, he'd get more takeaways if visitors or eat out then you are trying to change his personality.
I can see why you are concerned that if you have kids you will be left with alot of the caring for them stuff, but do think that whilst he could do more, you also maybe need to do less without viewing yourself as "crap" such as letting your husband sort out presents and card for his side of the family, letting him entertain his friends, and if he chooses not to not then seeing that as your problem just because you are female. I wouldn't live with a man who didn't do his share of the household tasks though and it sounds as though you have got into the habit of behaving like a housewife whilst having a demanding job. Do you need a cleaner? Men I know who live alone are much more likely to employ a cleaner to do stuff than women as they don't feel any guilt at not tidying up etc. There have been discussions on here where women have moaned at their men not doing housework and the men have replied "let's just get a cleaner if you hate doing it" and the women then moan (illogically in my view) that they don't want a cleaner they want both of them to work, look after kids and exhaust themselves doing housework.
I agree that for someone with ASD you seem very concerned with what other people think of you.

'for someone with ASD you seem very concerned with what other people think of you' -- that's a bit unfair, I think.

I mean, anyone I know with ASD is very well aware that they MIGHT come across as odd (having had it drummed into them, often, al the way through school), so it's hardly surprising that Anna might be trying too hard to avoid that label now.

It is common for people with Aspergers to worry about what people think of them.

I have a close relative with ASD. They behave more like the OP's husband. They are male though. I do think that as women we don't hep ourselves by taking on all the card buying, present buying, shopping, entertaining guests stuff in a relationship.
It is rare that men actually ask us to do this stuff and I don't understand why so many women gradually take over all domestic tasks.

Hi anna, i know you haven't posted on this thread today and not sure if you are planning on coming back.

I didn't have time to post after you said you have AS and i really wanted to. It made me sad that you sounded so down on yourself and were saying that you were a disappointment to your family and how mean people were to you at school. Reading your posts i couldn't help but think how bloody interesting you sound!

I agree with whoever said that it sounds as though your dh is on spectrum as well.

Please don't think so negatively about yourself. I think you sound really lovely! A very thoughtful and kind person.

You mentioned how you know you have to change and i don't think you do at all!

You don't have to have a replacement in the wings before you leave your partner. Living on your own is incredibly liberating. It can be wonderful to please yourself and do what you want to do.
Maybe you should try it.

2rebecca - Fuzzpig's right about worrying what other people think of you (and good luck Fuzzpig - I hope your diagnosis is sympathetic). I think I miscommunicated the "being crap" thing - I don't try to make people happy so they'll think good things about me in a 1950s housewife kind of way, I try to make people happy because it makes them happy and I know I don't do it naturally and need to make an effort. I also know how many mopportunities I have missed, how many people who I haven't made happy. I am lucky enough to be in the position that I can (in different situations) either look disabled or look like an extremely high-powered achiever who improves others' lives. I've missed a lot of opportunities to do the latter, while behaving like a miserable moody teenager. I want to make up for it now.

FarBetterNow, I've lived on my own before and am perfectly prepared to do it again - but don't want to chuck this relationship away before I'm totally sure it's not worth trying to salvage. I don't need a replacement in the wings... living on my own would be a blessed relief sometimes...

I didn't come back because I've been working and not having time to think about this stuff other than asking DP if he could clean up the kitchen more often.

Thanks Anna :) I think the reason I worry so much about what others think is because I can't 'read' them. I just can't tell what they are thinking so I need to go a lot further (too far usually) to impress them or, in my mind, stop them hating me. I also overanalyse everything so after speaking to somebody I'll often dwell on even just one word that makes me think they are upset with me.

Anyway. Anna, I hope you don't mind the shameless hijack but I have just started a support thread - Adults on the Autistic Spectrum - come join up if you're interested. :)

Fuzzpig are you me?
I'm lucky in that a lot of my interactions are at work where I can hide behind professional hierarchy or learnt bedside manner. But one major reason i decided to specialise in surgery was because it didn't involve the "reading" of people that you have to do in so many more slippery areas of medicine. Imagine trying to be a GP and knowing that 99% of the trivialities patients are presenting with aren't actually the real problem, and they're holding up a broken fingernail while trying to get you to ask about their alcoholic dad or whatever, and you just can't read them well enough to do it. I always found the multitude of possibilities terrifying. I'd be picking up potential distress signals from all over the place and not knowing which bit to react to.

Wow you're a surgeon! Cool!