Devastated is an understatement

[redtulip68]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation Starling. Unfortunately I'm in a very similiar position at the moment. My husband of 12 years left the marital home at 10.05pm last Sunday when myself and our two children were in bed. Not warning, nothing ran out in the night the coward he obviously is. The last week has been hell. i've had to tell the children because he only wanted to do it over the phone or in a pub, not in the safe environment of their home.

Apparently he had met some3one on line that he had connected with emotional - nothig sexual had occurred until after he left, or so he is saying. Over the last week I've heard nothing but lies and more lies. He has left the home in in such a state that part is uninhabitable. Environmental Health have been in contact due to the number of vehicles is has left in the garden, carport and other areas that we own surrounding the property. Since leaving I have found out that my wiring is condemned, the oven and hob are a danger to myself and my children. Cant have a bath unless a plunger is used to get plugs out. Had no hot water, could only have heating on for 30 minutes at a time, only flush toilets if someone contorlled the stop cock. Its been a nightmare. But he is living with someone and 'needing time to think what he needs over' whlst I live with two children in disarray.

Found we didnt have any contents or buildings insurance because he hadnt got round to setting up a new policy, bills were out of control because he hadnt got round to getting new quotes - I would have done it but evey bill was in his name at the time, obviously they arent now! Joint mortgage so thats ok.

Apparently will leave his income in my account for the next three months so I can arrange reapirs - what makes him think I can afford them now he has done? Then I'm to live off benefits - I've already established I'm only entitled to 10.43 per month. This is just so unfair, I really dont understand what I've done. he doesnt understand that our children deserve the truth rather than his web of lies which he now stating - I left beuuase we were arguing, 1 argument one night last week.

Visited children after I arranged it - 1 hour, then spoke to me for 2.5 hours, mean at the state but got better. I asked him to come back explained I still loved him and he said he would seriously think about it. He said that he still loved me but didnt think we could work it out because he has left.

Cant tell my family that I want him home bacuse they cant stand him, but I cant help the way I feel. its been made worse becauseof comments he keeps making on facebook which mean I then have to fiedl emails, messages and calls from joint friends and work colleagues. I know I'm having to do all his dirty work, clearing his stuff because he told me to, making calls left right and centre because that's what I'm expected to do.

refuses to give contactable address and often truns mobile phone off - so even in an emergancy I wouldnt be able to contact him.

cant sleep, havent eaten since our initial argument on 2nd march. i know deep down he isnt coming back but my children are young and own has AS. One hates their father, the other is in limbo becuase of promises father has made and subsequently not kept.

Nothing in my world is the same. I just dont know what I should be saying or feeling. Sick to the stomach of crying on my own. the pain is unbearable.

Please excuse the mistakes its just that really cant think straight. spoke this morning and asked if the comments he made yesterday about coming back were true or yet another one of the catelogue of lies he has told this week. Chidlren are lashing out at each other. But its not helped by their father telling them that he left because I was arguing rather than the truth that he was having an affair. There were several incidents this morning and I made him tell the truth but its still only part - now telling the children he is sharing a house with another woman. I just want to know where we all stand. Not lie after lie

I just caught up with your thread tulip and I'd say you were coming on leaps and bounds! Think of those morning tears as a little wobble, acknowledge it, then keep on with those huge strides forward

I think you are doing incredibly well, Tulip. I remember that feeling of loss like a hole has been cut out of the middle of your life. I felt terrible, wanted comfort and then realised with a pang that I couldn't have comfort because the person who comforted me was the one who had done this to me. It was so hard to take in the deliberate callousness of it all. So a vicious circle. I used to break down every time I got two mugs out of the cupboard to make coffee and realised I only needed one!

The pain does fade with time and you will learn new habits which won't involve him. Unless he was a "catch" worth having, you'll eventually be glad that you are not with him any more. The sooner you feel like that, the better for you, but I know you just can't will yourself over him.

I feel so sorry for your children too. It doesn't sound like he was an ideal father anyway but he seems to have left them too which is just bizarre.

Please just take one day/ one hour at a time and eventually you'll get to the end of a day and realise that you've not thought of him once and that's a good thing because you feel content again.

Recieved letter from sols today. I dont think i can afford to divorce him, although they have said that he should pay all costs I have got to put the mney up first! £1000 in total but they only want £490 at the moment. I think we will need to go to mediation first - so that we can just get the basics sorted. Looking forward to that conversation no end!

Been decorating the bathroom today but have now realised that I need someone tall to reach the top of the walls. I think I've found a reason to have a man around.

I acknowledge what you have said tallwivglasses the tears are a wobble that I need to just move on from. Doing my best. (smile)

What a crap evening - DD has been throwingt chairs aroudn the sitting room, running at her brother with scissors and screaming 'Why do we have to have anything to do with Daddy?', 'Why do you miss him?' and 'Why do you have to think about him?'. I tried to explain that we had been together for a long time and he was my best friend but she didnt want to listen. Promptly started kicking doors and walls.

I called DH because I feel he needs to be aware of these situation but all he would say was I'll speak to her tomorrow. About as much help as a chocolate fireguard! I know that some will say I shouldnt have called him but I feel that he is getting away with not experiencing the behaviours the DC are exhibiting. I've cried most of this evening - no support with regard to the DC. God I feel crap!!!

How old are your DC? It must be so hard for them to understand - how much do they know what is happening?

You must feel so exhausted x

DD is doing her best to show her support for you, in a funny kind of way. You did your best to explain your naturally complex feelings in an honest way. She will be appreciating that, tho not showing it, of course

and hugs. Hope you get a good night's sleep tonight.

I can feel the stress already building this morning awaiting the weekly visit from DH to see the DC. A little pissed off that he is able to go out for dinner and go to the bar every night whilst I struggle at home.

No doubt he is telling everyone how I undermined his self esteem or some other crap, all by asking him to play a part in our lives.

So far this morning sorted laundry, cleaned the kitchen, did reading homework with son and time homework with daughter. I hope he is enjoying his lie in in his child free environment!

Your morning sounds better than his, by a long chalk. Especially if he has a hangover!

Well that was an experience and a half! He came spent time with DS more than DD partly because she said she didnt want to speak to him. DC wanted to go the park, but DH ony wanted to take the DC for a walk around the village. In the end I said that they should go to the park. 'i havent got room in the car' I mean what did he expect? Anyay I agreed that I would take them to the park in the car. DS and DH got out but DD refused unless I went with them. No option but to go with them to which my DS said does this mean we're a family again now? I mean I'm stuck here what could I have done to resolve the situation? I explained that it didnt mean anything.

Come along he said, we can talk as we walk - did we? NO! He only spoke to me once I asked a series of questions. I explained that he selected to check out of our marriage without even trying to resolve any problems he considered us to have. Where do you think this is leading? I dont know. Divorce? No he said. So asked what did he think he was doing? I'm not coming home at the moment, maybe never but I dont want a divorce. SHIT, what does he want from me? You've been talking to sols havent you. What did he expect me to do, afterall he left not me.

As the afternoon went on it just grew more tense. I'm not coming home, maybe it will end in divorce but I want it all to be 'nice' and not cost alot - now we have the truth. Money, I explained that it will cost him as he left. No it wont You'll pay in the end was his response. ARSE.

Later our daughter asked him to buy her a new bed for her birthday and all he could say to her was 'no because I wont have any money. I might not be able to get you anything.' ARSE, ARSE!

When he left our DD went into the kitchen garden and said 'What an arse hole'. Our neighbours were in their garden laughing at her comment. You know what they say about out of the mouths of babes!!!!!!

Am I the only person in this situation that wishes their DC were younger (mine are 6 and 8) so they are unaware of the uselessness of their father? Whilst I know it would be harder work in terms of looking after them it would just be they wouldnt understand so much and maybe not remember 'the days when Daddy loved us' - their words not mine.

Oh red my DC (now young adults) think he is a wonderful father, and have no clue as to the reasons I have divorced him (I managed to stick it out for several decades, no OW involved). DD(20) thinks I am being obstructive, when I am fighting for my rights and can't tell her what a crap h he was - I am determined not to badmouth him. From their point of view, he has been not too bad as a father. Neither DC respects me (but they don't realise that they don't respect me, iyswim) - partly they are at a selfish age, and partly they unconsciously absorbed disrespect from him.

Re divorce: It took me a little time to realise that we didn't have to agree with each other about divorcing or even about the timing of a divorce. If I found his behaviour unreasonable, I could issue a petition for divorce. So I did (last Autumn). And we have now been divorced for over a month

We are still fighting discussing money, through the courts, but as no pensions to speak of, and DC are over 18, there was no contact or maintenance to sort, and I could get the absolute as soon as I could (6 weeks + a couple of days since the nisi). So the timings and stuff to sort would be different in your case.

So sorry he has been like this with you. How awful for you dcs as well. Still, he's making you angry at his treatment of you now, which is a good thing. Hope you are ok tonight.

There really isnt much of a fear of my DC thinking that their father was wonderful. They mention on a daily basis that they dont get shouted at any more, how he ignores them when they speak to him, how its always their fault when something happens- today my DD tried to speak to her father by standing in front of him when he wheeled over her lfoot with DS's bike, and how so many people are being kind to us and love us now Daddy has gone.

I'm certain he wants them to scream and cry when he leaves but they dont. He says he will do anything for them but the truth is when he's needed he refuses to help or talk to his children because it isnt convenient for him or the OW.

You are doing so well and getting lots of good advice. Just a couple of obs:

Consider letting the morning phonecalls go - your H is only going to disappoint his children when he doesn't call and you are the one dealing with the fallout. Why should you have to?

It may well be better not to go out as a family on access days as then your dc, especially ds, hope that you will be getting back together and my solicitor said dcs need to get used to seeing their parents separately.

Through your solicitor make access available. Mediation does seems like a good idea as H needs to be made aware of his responsibilities - jeez, just seeing them an hour at the weekend is pathetic. Either through your phone or Google Calendar let H know future appointments concerning the dcs. It will also then limit you having to have more contact with H than you really need.

And was wryly amused at your H not wanting divorce - yes, as a) that puts you in the driving seat, and perhaps the diddums thought he was? b) what on earth does he think happens when you fuck off with an OW and c) in his mind it closes doors - I bet in his mind he thinks that if this 'thing' with the OW doesn't work out, well he's always got his wife and children as a safety net.

Absolutely I understand that. And of course I have no idea what my entitled ex (who always puts his own convenience and laziness about everyone else's) would have done if we had split when our DC were the ages yours are.

It is very painful for them to see the truth, but that is the truth Your DD is doing a splendid job of standing up to him from the sound ot it. They are telling you the ways their lives are already better without him in it, they can see what he does, and they have their mother, honest with them, reliable in a time of great upheaval, to depend on.

On so many threads people with LO's wonder if they should go while the children are still so young. The answer is always a resounding yes. Of course it is harder for you all (I exclude him, of course) because they are the ages they are, and the perceptive people that they are, but as the Irishman said when he was asked for directions 'well, I wouldn't be starting from here' . That's the situation, though! we have no choice but to start from here

You seem to be doing a very good job of looking after your family - your family - in the most challenging circumstances. [hug]

In appreicate your comments and I'm trying to make this as smooth as possible for the DC. They are finding things very difficult so if they feel safe and loved thats the most important thing. We have so much to talk about and he is always difficult to speak to on the phone as he is either in the bar or resturant of the hotel him and the OW are living in.

I understand your thoughts concernins the idea of divorce - he left three weeks ago tomorrow and he has yet to seek any legal advice because 'he had been too busy'. Apparently he is going to do that during the first week of the Easter break, once he has broken up - yes he is a teacher! I suppose it will give him something to do whilst OW is making breakfast and cleaning up for the other DSS residents of the 'budget' hotel.

I meant to say that for the first time so far I havent cried and when he left I was glad he had gone - now that's progress!

Mine sought legal advice - oh yes! a 30 min free initial interview, saying he was entiteled to half, without knowing all the facts, and advice from his friends (including one who did a law degree) that all solicitors are bloodsuckers who are just out to make money out of you!

I wish he would - he is representing himself, and of course I can't advise him - which doesn't stop him asking my solicitor for advice as to whether I have a case , and doesn't stop him from thinking of solutions which are not even possible under divorce law! My sol says this is not uncommon for stbx's and ex's who are representing themselves. My sol is ace btw

• I wish he would appoint a solicitor -

The idiot has said he will seek legal advice but only from internet searches so its wont cost him anything. He knows nothing. Understand even less and thinks that I'm the same.

I do think that mediation is going to be the way forward at the moment but as he has said I can have all the wages this month and for the next two so I can get things done to the house - not that this imaginary spare cash really exists, it didnt before he left so I dont know why it should now that he has left! Anyway I have more to lose than him financially - the house etc. I'll be damned I will give up this house after everything my family and friends have put into it over the last three weeks.

He has asked that I keep all receipts, something the sols suggested too, so everytime he comes to visit the children I hand over a selection of receipts showing what I have spend money on, and I mean everything from a broom to tampons! If he wants to know then he will be kept fully informed. I've got nothing to hide unlike him. In fact i find it quite funny because I'm sure he thinks I'm skipping the light fantastic with his money and two kids in tow. If you have any ideas how I do that with £20 in my purse, a car in need of petrol and food to buy as well as fees to pay at school - payday is next Wednesday, then let me know!

RedTulips, what have you and your family accomplished on the house in the last three weeks? I believe you said your tub did not drain, and there were many unfinished projects he had started?

What has been accomplished - new boiler as we didnt have any heating or hot water, new flooring in kitchen, new worksurfaces in kitchen, decluttered utility room, garden, his stuff under my bed, painted sitting room and bathroom.

Next week sees the completionj of the skirting boards and general painting of the kitchen. Still need a gas supply and a hob as I cant afford for the house to be re-wired. Will need to paint the lobby and utility room, then its the children's rooms (DD wants her done for her birthday in mid April). I know that I've achieved alot - that was a comment from him today 'trying to rid yourself of me then?'. My response was 'No just completing the jobs you said you were too busy to do and I wasnt capable of undertaking.' Who isnt capable? Not me!

Do you have a scanner? Scan the receipts before you hand them over.

Mediation is now built into the process, but didn't arise for us until after the divorce, because we did not need to sort out child care or maintenance in the interim. We were free to come to any financial settlement we wished, but eventually I had no choice but to start legal proceedings on the advice of my sol, because ex was dragging things out and not replying very quickly and so it was better that the court impose a timetable.

Because of that, we then had to be referred to mediation by my sol, and mediator wrote to each of us separately, asking us each to make an indiv assessment appt (costing £100) I made and attended mine, ex did not even reply to their letter in writing or by phone, and as the time limit for non-response has passed, mediator could just sign off the case - ie you can't say I didn't try... It was only about money though, as I said.

Just read your post on what you've got done.

That is awesome. Truly awesome.