Devastated is an understatement

[redtulip68]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation Starling. Unfortunately I'm in a very similiar position at the moment. My husband of 12 years left the marital home at 10.05pm last Sunday when myself and our two children were in bed. Not warning, nothing ran out in the night the coward he obviously is. The last week has been hell. i've had to tell the children because he only wanted to do it over the phone or in a pub, not in the safe environment of their home.

Apparently he had met some3one on line that he had connected with emotional - nothig sexual had occurred until after he left, or so he is saying. Over the last week I've heard nothing but lies and more lies. He has left the home in in such a state that part is uninhabitable. Environmental Health have been in contact due to the number of vehicles is has left in the garden, carport and other areas that we own surrounding the property. Since leaving I have found out that my wiring is condemned, the oven and hob are a danger to myself and my children. Cant have a bath unless a plunger is used to get plugs out. Had no hot water, could only have heating on for 30 minutes at a time, only flush toilets if someone contorlled the stop cock. Its been a nightmare. But he is living with someone and 'needing time to think what he needs over' whlst I live with two children in disarray.

Found we didnt have any contents or buildings insurance because he hadnt got round to setting up a new policy, bills were out of control because he hadnt got round to getting new quotes - I would have done it but evey bill was in his name at the time, obviously they arent now! Joint mortgage so thats ok.

Apparently will leave his income in my account for the next three months so I can arrange reapirs - what makes him think I can afford them now he has done? Then I'm to live off benefits - I've already established I'm only entitled to 10.43 per month. This is just so unfair, I really dont understand what I've done. he doesnt understand that our children deserve the truth rather than his web of lies which he now stating - I left beuuase we were arguing, 1 argument one night last week.

Visited children after I arranged it - 1 hour, then spoke to me for 2.5 hours, mean at the state but got better. I asked him to come back explained I still loved him and he said he would seriously think about it. He said that he still loved me but didnt think we could work it out because he has left.

Cant tell my family that I want him home bacuse they cant stand him, but I cant help the way I feel. its been made worse becauseof comments he keeps making on facebook which mean I then have to fiedl emails, messages and calls from joint friends and work colleagues. I know I'm having to do all his dirty work, clearing his stuff because he told me to, making calls left right and centre because that's what I'm expected to do.

refuses to give contactable address and often truns mobile phone off - so even in an emergancy I wouldnt be able to contact him.

cant sleep, havent eaten since our initial argument on 2nd march. i know deep down he isnt coming back but my children are young and own has AS. One hates their father, the other is in limbo becuase of promises father has made and subsequently not kept.

Nothing in my world is the same. I just dont know what I should be saying or feeling. Sick to the stomach of crying on my own. the pain is unbearable.

Please excuse the mistakes its just that really cant think straight. spoke this morning and asked if the comments he made yesterday about coming back were true or yet another one of the catelogue of lies he has told this week. Chidlren are lashing out at each other. But its not helped by their father telling them that he left because I was arguing rather than the truth that he was having an affair. There were several incidents this morning and I made him tell the truth but its still only part - now telling the children he is sharing a house with another woman. I just want to know where we all stand. Not lie after lie

Good stuff! Sorry springydaffs. I had a friend (I've long since moved away, not because I didn't like her) whose ex was exactly like that.

My ex was 'self-employed' too! He was in high dudgeon when I stopped the DD for his NI from our joint account late last year. Apart from a few years when DC were little (before he was s-e) he has never supported his family financially (has earned a bit but not much) and worse still, did not seem bothered about this.

So I guess slightly different from yours springydaffs - the only wealth he made vanish was mine (or from mine and his family), now he wants half what's left! (Sorry for hijack - my rant-trigger got fired!)

As far as finances are concerned he wants to see a list of outgoings and my suggestions for his contributions! Now that he is living rent/rates/hosuehold bill free he sees himself as being well off whilst we are going to live hand to mouth.

He is attending parents evening with me this evening so that is going to be difficult, then he will have contact with the children in my home. It can't be anywhere else because it wont start until 6.15pm and if I let him take them out I'll have to deal with the come down afterwards. Afterall they are only 6 and 8, they have school the next day and if they are awake after 8pm theya are good for nothing the next day.

Had some 'truths' from him yesterday. Acknowledged that the comments about coming home were just that - I believe he was keeping his options open incase OW didnt get this job she applied for. Also confirmed that on theb Friday before he left that he spent the evening with her, and that the two weeks previously that he was supposed to met his univsersity friend' was in fact him arranging a meeting with her but it didnt pan out.

The excuses he has been making about us having an argument being the reason he left are just that, excuses because prior to the day he left we hadnt argued for months!

I would consult the sol re the finances - give them a ring? Are you on LA or wil be paying yourself?

Before tonight, practise a mantra - 'I don't want to talk about that atm' or somesuch, so it is ready to trip off the tongue when needed.

He's been doing his research hasn't he - hence turning up for parents day, acting like the good guy (unlike his previous form). I'd watch him like a hawk iiwy. Let the sol do all the work and negotiations, don't get involved with ex personally.

Shame he's got to come to your house. Is there really no way he can see them somewhere else? What about the friend you went to stay with recently, sounds like s/he is local? I wouldn't make this easy for him tbh. I don't mean obstructive but don't make is easy iyswim.

I understand what you are advising Daffs but bearing in mind my DS has AS and we had an episode this morning over the taking down of a shelf, taking him to met his father anywhere else is next to impossible.

My friend and her husband live over 30 miles away so that would make the evening impossibly long for the children and they do have their own lives to live. School are alreadfy aware that he isnt ther good guy he has been protraying and the HT said to me this morning that maybe we could arrange for him to fall over and break an ankle!

Beginning to fell a little stressed already but that might also be because I have three male family members in the house at the moment trying to sort my kitchen.

Here's a plan! Why don't you get the male family members who loathe him to stay in the house to facilitate contact, while you hike off to your friend's? win/win

they'd keep an eye on him - he wouldn't be able to wander about and take liberties....

Hope it went ok at parent's evening and you and the DCs aren't feeling to upset and stressed out as a result.

How is the kitchen/house coming along?

Take care

Had panic attack upon entering the parents evening hall - he was five minutes late which didnt help. He didnt say a singlew word throughout parents evening and the teachers didnt even look in his direction. This did make me feel stronger at the time.

Visited children. Nightmare - I was standoffish as it was the only way I could cope. Did homework with DS, spoke to DD. Then once the DC were in bed I showed myself up by crying in front of him. DC had already asked him to come home but all he could say was not at the moment. Then I asked him what he meant and he said that he didnt feel he could come back at the moment as I would never trust him again.

God, this evening was an ordeal from start to finish. I really dont have any self worth as I really want him to come home and he knows it. I really must NOT see him when he visits the children on Saturday. I think I am going to have to get someone else to hand over the DC.

Where has my self respect gone?

It's ok love, that kind of evening sadly has to happen. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and tell yourself that's the last time you're going to do that.

If you can get someone to do the handovers, until you're a little stronger, it'd be a good idea to do so.

Chin up chuck, it will get easier. (((hug)))

Absolutely! It's very early days - what can you expect?

I notice he puts the blame on you for him not coming back ...

A little tip about panic attacks (if you had a real one?): keep your eye on your breathing. So simple but totally stops them re keep your breathing steady, into your stomach. It's the shallow breathing that sets them off (sends a message to the adrenals to pump adrenalin).

It's all over now - phew. Well done. Keep going sweetie, you'll get there (especially if you don't see him) x

No call to the DC this morning from DH, although I must admit they didnt ask about him. Its me that seems to be promoting contact between them.

DS has said that an hour on a Saturday isnt long enough with DH so I did say the DC want longer with him. He's comment back was that that was all I was allowing him. I then had to explain that as he hadnt made any suggestions about contact and given the fact that he is still refusing to provide an address I have had to set some rules. He can have more time with them, that really isnt a problem because they do want their Father.

Everything is ok for me when I'm with poeple be it family or friends but the moment I'm alone, thats when I start to question everything, whihc is strange as before we were together I was always happy in my own company.

Anyway got so much to do I'd better get on with it!

You aren't alone: you have us! (We are real breathing people and we are on your side!)

I know this is easier said than done but please try not to dwell on the problems you are facing. I am worried that the stress will turn into depression if you can't find a solution as you turn things over in your mind.

Maybe only allow yourself 5 minutes at a time to think about any one problem and if you haven't thought of a solution to deal with it by them try to force yourself to put it in a box for a little while and think of something nicer... anything nicer. like how beautiful your children are or Spring is coming!

Avoiding your H is key to getting your self levelled out. So please take the advice about getting someone else to do handovers and if you can't think of any reason to speak to him (that helps you) then just don't speak to him when he calls. he has really let you down and he will continue to do that so you don't need the further disappointments right now

Stress is all part of it imhe, I found that it came and went like a wave. When it's there, trust that it will pass.

Yes, I'm breathing and yes I'm here!

I think in the first terrible weeks/months of the shock, it is very hard to control the thoughts. But it is a very good idea to distract yourself: projects, tv, phonecalls, anything; things you can focus on to stop the thoughts driving you crazy. As pinkpussy says, it does pass but not before its time, so you have to find any way to keep distracted.

Why not pour out all your do-da's on here instead of keeping it all locked up in your head? Plenty on here have been where you are and won't be beating you over the head to get your act sorted. All manner of thoughts/feelings take us hostage at a time like this so have a go at getting them out on here?

Thanks :)

Right back from Cub camp meeting - what a lying bar steward DH really is! A few weeks back i asked him to find out if he could support DS who has AS on the camp. He said the answer was no. It turns out that he could support DS but never asked or so the leader of the camp is saying!

I left the meeting in tears. How could he do that? Why would he not want to support his DS? No phone callto his DC this morning or at this time. DS wanted to speak to DH but when I called his phone has been switched off and continues to be so. He is turning into one enormous former father!

Sorry to hear this tulip. ONe more nail in the coffin, eh? As I said before, I think your dd has got her head screwed on properly - all 6 years of it! I am one of those who believes that contact with the non-resident parent is not always a good idea. (I think I may have said that before...)

Sorry though. It is very painful, particularly when we see our kids upset. (are they upset btw, or is it just you? I don't mean 'just' you - but are the kids noticing his absence at these important events, or just you' noticing his absence. He's one shit father at the mo, as you say )

What kind of husband and father was he before all this started? Say, this time last year...

Meredeux - husband, well not very attentive shell we say. Never that physical during 12 years and never one to discuss his feelings. Over the last twelve months he has become more obessive than usual but in many respects I cant complain because I encourgaged him to work at what he was good at. throughout our time together there were points in which I felt underappreciated. Work was always the most important factor to him, but in twelve years together he has had 5 education jobs, so I was the only stable one. As for being a father - good relationship most of the time with our son as they both have AS tendancies (DS actually has AS and I'm almost certain so does DH). Relationship with DD, whilst initally wonderful as I had PND, over the last few years as myself and DD grew closer they grew further apart. DD is very fiesty and has no problems voicing her opinions which doesnt always suit DH. Over the last twelve months DH grew more aggressive towards the DC, never hitting, but he did tend to shout an awful lot and swear. Thos often meant that I was on edge and often dshouted at the DC before he did it so he wouldnt get angry.

Money worries meant the DH was often working at weekends too, so we saw less and less of him. I appreciate that he may not have wanted to do this but he had a skill that was being utilised. I offered to increase my hours from four days to five days and even getting a weekend job so he could be at home more often but he always said no. I think he saw being out and speaking to others as a release from home. When he wasnt working he would be on his laptop playing dungeons and dragons games (thats where he met the OW). Recently we lost out internet fr about ten days and every night he would go to a local pub/Mcdonalds/Coffee shop to use their WIFI. He said he was working but the reality is that obviously he wasnt working but talking to the OW via emails and messaging.

Daffs - you asked whether the Dc are noticing his absence. Its really difficult to say because if we talk about him DD stops the conversation short asking why we need to discuss him. DS is missing DH enormously. Everytime he calls he ells hm he wants DH to come home. I do fear that they dont meantion him at times to stop me being upset but that really isnt what they need.

Lots of projects undetway at the moment - painted the sitting room, walls, gloss the works in one day. Moved onto the bathroom already and will change the colour as last time I did that DH came home and repainted it white because I had choosen a colour without discussing it! Cleaned the stairs - well all the paintwork because I really dont want to being painting that! Now sitting here writing this and having my first glass of wine since he left three weeks ago. Feeling better!!!!!

Good progress on the house
And it is great to know that you are feeling a bit better and enjoying a glass of wine - cheers

You might be interested in this thread, which despite its title has moved on to a v useful and fruitful discussion, about AS and abuse co-existing (as it does with my ex) and about the family dynamics of growing up in or living with a non-abusive family with one or more AS members, plus the occasion aside about NT abusers.

Family life and AS (the title I've given it here is my own invention )

And about distinguishing the two. Cocklodging (mine) and OW (yours) puts them firmly in the EA camp, and mine has AS tendencies. But some abused women hope AS is the explanation, when it isn't.

Already had tears this morning simply because I thought of something then forgot he isnt here anymore. Over the last week I have found myself going to call him at lunchtime and after work just like I would usually to see how his day was going or to ask him a question. At the end of his calls to the children I have to make sure I dont end the call just like I always used to with 'Love you see you later.' As I said two steps forward three steps back!