Devastated is an understatement

[redtulip68]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation Starling. Unfortunately I'm in a very similiar position at the moment. My husband of 12 years left the marital home at 10.05pm last Sunday when myself and our two children were in bed. Not warning, nothing ran out in the night the coward he obviously is. The last week has been hell. i've had to tell the children because he only wanted to do it over the phone or in a pub, not in the safe environment of their home.

Apparently he had met some3one on line that he had connected with emotional - nothig sexual had occurred until after he left, or so he is saying. Over the last week I've heard nothing but lies and more lies. He has left the home in in such a state that part is uninhabitable. Environmental Health have been in contact due to the number of vehicles is has left in the garden, carport and other areas that we own surrounding the property. Since leaving I have found out that my wiring is condemned, the oven and hob are a danger to myself and my children. Cant have a bath unless a plunger is used to get plugs out. Had no hot water, could only have heating on for 30 minutes at a time, only flush toilets if someone contorlled the stop cock. Its been a nightmare. But he is living with someone and 'needing time to think what he needs over' whlst I live with two children in disarray.

Found we didnt have any contents or buildings insurance because he hadnt got round to setting up a new policy, bills were out of control because he hadnt got round to getting new quotes - I would have done it but evey bill was in his name at the time, obviously they arent now! Joint mortgage so thats ok.

Apparently will leave his income in my account for the next three months so I can arrange reapirs - what makes him think I can afford them now he has done? Then I'm to live off benefits - I've already established I'm only entitled to 10.43 per month. This is just so unfair, I really dont understand what I've done. he doesnt understand that our children deserve the truth rather than his web of lies which he now stating - I left beuuase we were arguing, 1 argument one night last week.

Visited children after I arranged it - 1 hour, then spoke to me for 2.5 hours, mean at the state but got better. I asked him to come back explained I still loved him and he said he would seriously think about it. He said that he still loved me but didnt think we could work it out because he has left.

Cant tell my family that I want him home bacuse they cant stand him, but I cant help the way I feel. its been made worse becauseof comments he keeps making on facebook which mean I then have to fiedl emails, messages and calls from joint friends and work colleagues. I know I'm having to do all his dirty work, clearing his stuff because he told me to, making calls left right and centre because that's what I'm expected to do.

refuses to give contactable address and often truns mobile phone off - so even in an emergancy I wouldnt be able to contact him.

cant sleep, havent eaten since our initial argument on 2nd march. i know deep down he isnt coming back but my children are young and own has AS. One hates their father, the other is in limbo becuase of promises father has made and subsequently not kept.

Nothing in my world is the same. I just dont know what I should be saying or feeling. Sick to the stomach of crying on my own. the pain is unbearable.

Please excuse the mistakes its just that really cant think straight. spoke this morning and asked if the comments he made yesterday about coming back were true or yet another one of the catelogue of lies he has told this week. Chidlren are lashing out at each other. But its not helped by their father telling them that he left because I was arguing rather than the truth that he was having an affair. There were several incidents this morning and I made him tell the truth but its still only part - now telling the children he is sharing a house with another woman. I just want to know where we all stand. Not lie after lie

ok, fair enough (she sounds gorgeous!!)

but you won't nail yourself to a cross to facilitate contact will you? PROMISE. It's not always beneficial

and what's with using phrases like 'sharing resources' when talking to a 6yo, whose family has been ripped apart??

wanker, total effing WANKER.

so he's capable of dumping a loved-one in extremis without a backward glance? I'd take note of that iiwy.

You didn't save him did you redtulip?

Just asking.

Red, you are doing an amazing job. Dont worry about parents evening, you will probably find it easier to go on your own and speak to the teachers about any concerns you have directly. Your DD sounds fab, "now stop this, we have each other" brought tears to my eyes. x

Well I was right - sent a text to inform him that I had been given parents evening times, text because he has now not answering a call from home or my mobile (wouldnt we be buggered in an emergency what with not answering the phone and refusing to give an address!). His response was cant make it. What an absolute arse!

Save all the texts for the solicitor.

With everything else in your life I think Parents Evening will be the least of your probs!! The teachers should be told about what's going on, they will need to know.

My ex used to kick up about not being told about parents evenings, so I let him do them for a while. Lasted through about 3. I just get on and don't even tell him about them till after.

redtulip, my love. In the event of an emergency, you wouldn't call him.

You have no need to call him for any reason. You'd be able to sort whatever needed sorting. yourself. If you needed advice, WE can help you!

He's made it abundantly clear that he is going to be a total TWAT about this, and will let you down at every given opportunity.

Please don't expect anything of him. Don't involve him in any decision you need to take from now on.

I've learnt with my parents that if I continually keep going to them, hoping that this time they will rise to the occasion, or meet my basic expectation, that they will let me down EVERY TIME. As my counsellor says, why are you setting yourself up for disappointment, you know they are not going to come through for you?

I know this is an immense shock to you, but if you let it go, and focus on those things that really do matter, yourself and your DC, then everything else will be fine.

it'll be OK.

redtulip - i have been lurking on your thread and i have nothing to add to the good advice you are already receiving.

I just wanted to wish you a happier day today. Things will bottom out and start to get better.

You poor thing. What a hideous situation and what a total scumbag-coward your stbexH is. Whether he has AS, bipolar, or believes he has good reason to walk out on his family, nothing excuses this level of cruelty.

The woman he has shacked up with is welcome to him. Rest assured he will have given her some sob story and fed her with a shed load of bullshit but frankly that's irrelevant to you.

You have done incredibly, astoundingly well to have achieved so much in so short amount of time.

You are as strong as an ox, a roaring lioness protecting her cubs, even though you may not be able to see it right now.

It gets easier as the days tick by you know. It really truly does. Eventually the pain goes away and you will get your life back. Your home back and your sanity back.

I for one hope your H never comes back. He is a useless piece of shit who seems to have created nothing but mess and havoc in your lives. Keep going girl. You can cope with the highs and lows, and lots of people on here will hold your hand through it.

Thanks for everyone's support.

I am getting stronger, i know that. Last night my DS said that 'when the house is sorted out noone will be able to resist you!' If only it was that easy.

My family are making a start on the kitchen today so things are getting moving now.

Only spanner in the works was a comment from H. DS asked him to come to his cubs investiture this evening but H said no. DS was very upset, at the moment H is coming up with a series of excuses why he cant do something rather than putting his children first. H then said I could send him an email with the photo - Bearing in mind that he wont give me an email address that could prove difficult. Idiot!

Your H is behaving appallingly! I second the suggestion that you get the house valued pre-work and keep good accounts of all the work you are doing.

You are being a fantastic mum, supporting and fighting for your children with such determination and strength. Your DD sounds very wise for 6! What a credit to you!

I hope you get things sorted. I think, in time, you will realise how much easier and happier your life will be without this man, but I don't underestimate the pain you must be in now. His cruelty and selfishness is breath-taking. A coward and a cheat, leaving you in a dangerous home. You deserve so much better than this.

tulip (my fave flower btw) your kids are brilliant, i love their comments!!

DD pulling yu up by your bootstraps, and ds foreseeing potential love interests!

I am very very sorry you are going thru this. I have been where you are, with the being abandoned thing by dh

You DO sound strong, and even if you don't feel it at times that is perfectly ok, because you are a human being.

will check back later to see how your day went x

Well was fine most of the day until I went to DS Cubs investiture. My son was the only child without his father there. I know I was there with his Grandma but I could see it in my DS that he wanted his father there.

At the end of the ceremony when they were taking photos I had to walk out I just couldnt keep it together. H called at 8.15pm to say goodnight to DC, DD said hello then said she wasnt speaking anymore. he saw it as a victoryu for some reason. DS spoke for a few minutes then passed the phone to me. I broke down saying that he really wanted his father there but he couldnt be bothered. Explained that next week he is having a cub camp meeting and wanted his father there but all h could say was well I could either try and attend parents evening or the camp meeting. I hung up.

What I really wanted to say was they he had responsibilities that he had to commit to. I cant pick and choose what things I will attend and what I wont attend. Niether should he. They are his children he needs to man up and stop being a prick! I just so angry that he thinks parenting is optional. He wanted children, he created children therefore he must be equally responsible!

redtulip68, I am really sorry but I don't think he's ever going to step up for you or your DS. If he can do all this to you and your children, then what would make him do the small things (which mean a lot, I know). You are just going to keep getting hurt for as long as you look for him to do things but then he lets you down again and again.

What did your family think of him all the years you were together? Have they told you their real thoughts now that he has left?

Meredeux, transpires my family really couldnt stand him on several levels:

1. his obesessions
2. the way he spoke to DC
3. The way he could never be wrong
4. his competitive nature
5. and general personality clashes

It was always difficult being inbetween H and my mum, who often refused to speak to him or be the the car with him.

My Dad said that over the last few years he has seen be being dragged down and that I had lost my 'sparkle'. I always had an opinion but he felt that I had 'shelved' my thoughts and opinions. I was aware that I had just taken to deferring to H at all times. I was aware that i would always ask his opinion and for his consent when buying anything for the DC. I did look up to him, maybe that was a huge mistake!

He is still refusing to acknowledge that he has done anything wrong and that Dc and myself are finding this situation so very difficult, all he is thinking about is himself.

He sounds delightful! I know its incredibly hard redefining yourself, especially if your self confidence has been knocked low by years of living in this sort of relationship, but maybe you and your DC are better off without him?

Can't believe how well you have done in coping with all this!

Now, look. You must conserve your energy so you can deal with the things that matter. No more head space shall be given to exploring just how much of a wankstain this guy is. Every time you start, walk into a room that is fucked up because of his existance and take a few deep breaths. Look around you calmly and say 'I am free'. Reach into your head and find the switch marked 'Caring about fuckwits' and turn it firmly to 'off'.

No more time spent on him. Delegate all communication to one of your lovely family. Change your phone number. Do not read texts. A more appropriate time will come when you deal with his choices as far as his children go. He takes responsibility for that, you have enough on your plate.

So very, very sorry for you, RT68. Know how awful you must feel! It is sad when a marriage breaks down, especially when there are children involved and the adulterer is hostile!

You must still be in deep shock - please take care of yourself!

You will receive such good advice from MN! Take one day at a time and be assured of everybody's very best wishes.

Oho methinks the time will come in the not too distant future when you THANK GOD this has happened. It's not now, admittedly, but IT WILL COME.

because he sounds horrible. Your family sound quite erm challenging but at least they've tipped up when the going got tough for you (which is more than my family would do). These controlling, domineering men seem to slowly dismantle you to get you completely dependent and then, when you are, they delight in squarely dumping you and watching you flail (makes them feel powerful, or something..). Keep the flailing to a minimum if you possibly can - one day your faking it will make it.

Agree with above that you've got to start training yourself that he isn't going to be there for you and the kids. Yes he's reneged on his responsibilities but there we go - tbh I'm not sure having someone like him around is going to be good for your kids in the long run.

I appreciate I'm talking in absolutes here. I suppose I've been there and you get quite shorthandy about things eventually. I hope I havnet offended you. Are you keeping up with starting's thread? Some topnotch advice on there, if you can take it in...

keep going darling. You'll get there (and love what you find, probably)

What I'm going to say to you now is said with good wishes, and while it may sting a little at the moment, it will start to seem true fairly shortly.

DANCE FOR JOY! YOU ARE RID OF THIS FUCKNUGGET.

Now you haven't got him around, you can get rid of a half-destroyed house, that he destroyed with cack-handed impossible attempts at DIY. You don't have to pick up after him and stroke his ego any more. The DC don't have to suffer his whims and unpredictable mood changes any more. The only good thing he ever did for you and them was to fuck off out of it.

I know you've had years of him telling you that you love him and couldn't live without him, but it's kind of like that Monty Python thing in reverse - what has he ever done for you? Bugger all. Wrecked your house, isolated you from friends and family, given you no support and then just run away. Life is going to be so much better now he's gone.

I do agree with you SGB but the poor girl has had this dreadful shock so recently so is probably still numb and can't think straight!

Sorry, RT68 to talk about you as if you're not here! How are you feeling now?

Best wishes to you and your family

hi redtulips

just wanted to say don't worry about the dc being the only ones at cubs without dad - there are loads of kids in the same situation these days. My own dc got used to dad neverbeing there at school days, cubs etc, they accepted that they came 2nd to dh work. He was always 'away on business' or 'working late' or 'working even later'.

Do it all yourself - i did. And at least you know the job's done well!

That's the main reason dh is now ex.

And this is the 3rd time i've attempted to post this - mumsnet keeps logging me out.

Morning

Going to get my cancer results this morning. So at least I will know where I stand.

I've done so much recently and tried to bury myself under the practicalities of getting the house sorted. Last night I started the greiving process - greiving for the possibility that our previous life may have been a lie, greiving for the the fact that our future together has been destroyed and greiving for the loss. The loss of an another adult to speak to, the loss of the sounds another life and the loss of someone I really did love.

As for support, my family are there to do 'stuff' but nothing emotionally - that has been sadly lacking throughout my life. i know they love me, despite them never actually telling me, but they have never been touchy-feely. My friends all live in the next city, I live in a village- in a house he selected because he couldnt live in a more urban community, although guess where he's living at the moment? They will listen to me at any time but they do have their own lives to live - families, partners and careers to consider.

If the truth be told I just want someone to hold me and tell me I can do this because at the moment I really dont feel I can. This morning I even considered telling him to come home have the DC for a few days and allow me to have some time but I know that he would never do it and nor could he be trusted to look after the children properly. But more importantly that would just destory my children because Daddy has walked out, now Mummy is doing the same.