Getting increasingly sick and tired of DP's indecision (long sorry)

[tardisjumper]

WE have just spent ANOTHER saturday morning at each other's throats as I have asked (nicely and softly) for some kind of decision on one of two points:

1. are you getting a new job so we can move closer to mine
2. If not are we going to get a car so we can enjoy where we live a bit more (a town in Surrey). And so I can take advantage of tax benefits which would mean I could claim abou 20% back on my commuting costs.

He accused me of nagging him, which made me explode, as I feel that his refusal to make a decision on either of these two points in forcing me to just live with the current situation. This is that I spend £4k a year commuting to my job which i started 3 months ago after leaving my last one due to harrassment (however that wasn't much closer and i paid £3k a year to commute). He works a 15 min drive away and gets a lift with a friend who charges him £15 a month in petrol. However he hates his job and works ridiculous hours for no money ( I earn about 50% more than him).

On the NIGHT we moved in together (18 months ago) he announced he was going to get a new job meanign I have neverbeen able to buy a year's season ticket to work which is what I wuld need to do to take advantage of tax benefits and just spent all of December swearing he would get a new job in the new year. He has looked at new jobs ONCE and applied for one job while I hung over him and practically wrote it for him. Not very nice of me I know but i am at my wit's end being controlled by his failure to make any decision.

Now I have settled into my job and relaxed into my vv long commute I am not so fussed about moving closer to work and have told him this. I have also asked him if he just wants to stay here as he hasn't applied to any jobs. Therefore shall we look at getting a car which I know he really wants(which I can no afford as I earn more in my new job) To which he explode and huffs and puffs and accusses me of nagging him.

He says he is just happy to bump along but I am furious as I basically pay for him to do this to the tune of THOUSANDS of pounds a year while we sit here and wait for him to make up his mind. So I try and have a chat with him about splitting living costs more fairly to which he replies that I earn more so I shoudl pay more. But the decison we made when we moved in was that we would split everything, on his behest. I now have sig higher living costs.

Basically this boils down to his massive inactivenss over doign anything. He lived ina hosue for a year where a housemate used to have orgies with prositiutes in the front room and a land lord who was extorting him for a year as he 'couldn't face' finding somewhere else. This morning we also had a massive huff and puff as he got a tax rebate (nice) from the inland revenue but couldn't face having to go to the bank to find out his account number so he could deposit it there. He had a payg phone up until we moved in together as he couldn't face the forms for a contract phone. What do I do?

I am considering just buying abloody car and sayiong to hell with it if we end up in London, but I can't buy a season ticket if he suddenly changes his tune and gets a new job somewhere else. I am just so cross about how much he is costing me in time and money.

He sounds immature, are you sure you want to be with him?

Hm. I think you need to decide what you want to do given he struggles with decisions. He's not responding as you want so take control of your side at least. And, also, doesnt sound as if you are compatible or like each other much...

I couldn't be with someone like this. You will end up organising everything to do with your lives together.

Yes I am. Despite this we a re vv in love with each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. It just seems doing so will be an uphill struggle.

Like many men of his generation (we are both mid-20s) he sort of expects things to happen to him.

However hsi parent sare the same. They are not happy with things ie. their house, but have long long conversations where they make excuses not to do antyhing about it and don't. But continue to complain about their house. His father spent his entire career in a job he hated too. Started at 17 left at 60. And never did a bloody thing about it. I know his failure to do anything about it caused massive row's with DP's mum, but she never did much to change the stutus quo either.

Do whatever suits you, it sounds like he will never make a decision or properly understand why these issues are important to you.

This doesn't sound like a relationship that will go anywhere though - unless you are willing to make all decisions and then take a lot of crap for being bossy/a nag. Some people don't make decisions because they think that means they can never make a mistake .

Is he dyslexic? I just wonder because he seems to want to avoid writing. Maybe he needs you to help him with applying but is afraid to admit it. Have you seen him write much?

Why can't you just go out and buy a car? Why do you need him to decide?

Sorry if you have said but I got a bit confused about it all!

His job is as a writer! He is actually quite mature in some respects (can look after bills etc when asked to do so and cooks, cleans, looks after me and the flat if I need him to, stays in contact with friends and family and is all round quite charming and well liked by others).

He suffers occassionally from anxiety and this is perhaps a small part of his failure to make decisions and admits he is scared of making the wrong decision and having to live with it.

But I find this hard to respect as I come from parents who made some big huge decisions while we were growing up, even if they were occassionally to our detriment.

@cece I work in London and if he were to get a job it would prob have to be in London, just meaning we wouldn't need a car. Plus he would like a car to use for work. He needs to commute and drive out to meetings as part of his work and this would help. However, I may just go and buy a car. I have a driving test in 2 weeks so thta will be a bit of a clincher.

Turn it round. Why are you in such a rush? You're young, got a good job, no commitments (you don't mention it so I assume no dc's) and disposable income. Buy a monthly ticket and save for a deposit on your own place?

You really do not want to share your life with someone so passive and unable to make a decision.

He's a bad bet. You're young.

Move on and find someone with a bit of drive.

Also calling you a "nag" is a massive red flag.

That tells you that he will blame all his failings on the fact that you dare to raise them.

oh god, he just sounds so draining. By all means see him now and then as a boyfriend, but as a life partner? RUN FOR THE HILLS!

If DH had tried this kind of thing when we were dating he'd have been given the sack. Can you imagine him putting off/never doing your DCs' doctor's appointments, school registrations, parents' evenings, science projects, holiday bookings? Cos I can see very clearly that you will have to do all the 'administrative' work in this relationship and let me tell you it doesn't get smaller when you get married/buy a house/have kids - there's more of it. Do you really want to be the only responsible grownup in your house for the rest of your life?

He doesn't sound like a serious prospect to me, sorry.

It seems a bizarre thing, to decide when you are so young to spend your life with someone already in the full knowledge that it will be hard work.

You earn more atm, and he can't be bothered to shift his arse to get another job. So you will presumably not be taking much maternity leave when and if you have children. Who will organise the childcare, the school applications, the homework, the activities, the holidays?

You must love him an awful lot to be sure you can handle dealing with all of those things on your own for the rest of your life.

blackcurrants - I x-posted, but I see we are thinking along the same lines!

tardis - don't underestimate how much legwork there is in running a home and family. If you are frustrated now at his inability to make decisions, that is only going to increase as there are more decisions to be made.

Yes, but as I understand it you currently need a car to get to work so you can get tax benefits (and for an easier life I presume), so why don't you just buy one? I am assuming that you are able to find the money to buy one?

If the situation changes and then you don't need a car then sell it

You need to wake up otherwise you will be his mother soon enough.

"It seems a bizarre thing, to decide when you are so young to spend your life with someone already in the full knowledge that it will be hard work."

I dunno... women are always being told that relationships are "work" and that you have to "work at it".

It's no wonder young women think it's their job to keep a relationship going through sheer force of will.

Imagine if they used all that energy on something worthwhile...

Do you really want to drive into central London for work? The traffic is going to kill you! The commute on the A3 from surrey is a total nightmare. I would rather take the train. You will have the cost of the car, the car insurance, MOT, possibly £8 congestion charge daily, petrol and parking costs. Are you sure it is financially viable?

That man of yours, I would not touch him with a barge pole. I dont understand how you can have decided you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who is so backward he cant face a contract phone nor the bank so he can find out his account! He must be excruciatingly dumb. He is a writer? What does he write? Menu cards? (sorry, that was possibly below the belt)

thanks for replies though I don't agree that these things make him a bad person. It's just something we need to work on and i would like to go about it.

We just had a chat about it and has said that he hasn't been applying as he thinks about the jobs that are on offer, gets a massive attack of 'self esteem issues' and worries that he won't be able to do them and is worried that he won't like them or they won't work out so he doesn't apply.

It is not ok but he has stopped blaming me at least. He says he hadn't realised how much of an impact his indecision and inaction was having on me and says that was why he was being so defensive earlier. Again, it's not ok, but he isn't suggesting I am being bossy and a nag anymore, which really really pissed me off!

oh and @cece and @Quint No, he would like to be able to drive to work. I only want the car so we are not trapped in our town at weekends.

That sounds more sensible! You would lose your will to live on the A3 daily!

First you can buy an annual season ticket and cash it in if you move or change jobs.
Second if you are only going to use a car occasionally or at weekends, why not join a car club, there is one in my Surrey town and I would join one if I didn't already have a car, and it's a 20 minute walk to the nearest parking spot.

I didn't say it made him a bad person, just a very hard person to share your life with.
Men like him make lovely boyfriends - they are charming, sociable and so on. But not husband material.

And actually, it isn't something that you need to work on, it is something that he needs to work on. Please don't let him convince you that this is a joint problem, because it isn't it is his problem.

So - post chat, what is he going to do about it?

Nobody said he was a bad person, just that he would make a bad partner.

Which he will.

"And actually, it isn't something that you need to work on, it is something that he needs to work on. Please don't let him convince you that this is a joint problem, because it isn't it is his problem."

Correct!