Getting increasingly sick and tired of DP's indecision (long sorry)

[tardisjumper]

WE have just spent ANOTHER saturday morning at each other's throats as I have asked (nicely and softly) for some kind of decision on one of two points:

1. are you getting a new job so we can move closer to mine
2. If not are we going to get a car so we can enjoy where we live a bit more (a town in Surrey). And so I can take advantage of tax benefits which would mean I could claim abou 20% back on my commuting costs.

He accused me of nagging him, which made me explode, as I feel that his refusal to make a decision on either of these two points in forcing me to just live with the current situation. This is that I spend £4k a year commuting to my job which i started 3 months ago after leaving my last one due to harrassment (however that wasn't much closer and i paid £3k a year to commute). He works a 15 min drive away and gets a lift with a friend who charges him £15 a month in petrol. However he hates his job and works ridiculous hours for no money ( I earn about 50% more than him).

On the NIGHT we moved in together (18 months ago) he announced he was going to get a new job meanign I have neverbeen able to buy a year's season ticket to work which is what I wuld need to do to take advantage of tax benefits and just spent all of December swearing he would get a new job in the new year. He has looked at new jobs ONCE and applied for one job while I hung over him and practically wrote it for him. Not very nice of me I know but i am at my wit's end being controlled by his failure to make any decision.

Now I have settled into my job and relaxed into my vv long commute I am not so fussed about moving closer to work and have told him this. I have also asked him if he just wants to stay here as he hasn't applied to any jobs. Therefore shall we look at getting a car which I know he really wants(which I can no afford as I earn more in my new job) To which he explode and huffs and puffs and accusses me of nagging him.

He says he is just happy to bump along but I am furious as I basically pay for him to do this to the tune of THOUSANDS of pounds a year while we sit here and wait for him to make up his mind. So I try and have a chat with him about splitting living costs more fairly to which he replies that I earn more so I shoudl pay more. But the decison we made when we moved in was that we would split everything, on his behest. I now have sig higher living costs.

Basically this boils down to his massive inactivenss over doign anything. He lived ina hosue for a year where a housemate used to have orgies with prositiutes in the front room and a land lord who was extorting him for a year as he 'couldn't face' finding somewhere else. This morning we also had a massive huff and puff as he got a tax rebate (nice) from the inland revenue but couldn't face having to go to the bank to find out his account number so he could deposit it there. He had a payg phone up until we moved in together as he couldn't face the forms for a contract phone. What do I do?

I am considering just buying abloody car and sayiong to hell with it if we end up in London, but I can't buy a season ticket if he suddenly changes his tune and gets a new job somewhere else. I am just so cross about how much he is costing me in time and money.

The travel thing isn't unequal - if you don't share finances, then you pay your own commuting costs and he pays his.

That you live nearer to his work is by the by.

@Alibaba I don't feel got at I am just a bit surprised at how quikcly it turned into 'leave the bastard'. I feel if this were the other way around answers may be a little different. Not totally. But a little.

Thanks for all you input though and I will think some more about it. It is not the first time this indecision due to low self esteem and lack of drive/organisation has been an issue in our relationship and it does require some serious thought.

It requires serious thought from your side, but serious action from his.

I think perhaps the difference is, that I doubt you would find many men putting their own plans on hold while their lower earning partner made her mind up about applying for a different job or whether she wanted to get a car.

Which bears some thinking about from a feminist perspective maybe.

I agree "Alibaba. However, this woman has this thread tonight www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1424412-Split-of-organisational-financial-chores-between-husband-wife and she is upset that she is having to make all big decisions, stress and worry about them and is the only one who has a grip on their finances, and she has had a mixture of responses. And people saying, oh yes my DP does that. Not, 'leave the bastard'.

I spent three years with a guy who wanted to "take his time" and was indecisive, liked the status quo etc.

Eventually I met my now DH and split with him. Three months later he met his now dw and they were engaged after six months, married four months later.

It turned out he could be fast moving and decisive when he wanted to...be careful.

Garcia, it's less about the chores split and more about you organising your life and finances around him, it all sounds very one sided.

?garcia, tardis! Autocorrect fail

I didn't read her situation as being quite like yours, although I think my stance was pretty similar - i.e. she shouldn't be expected to do it all.

You are in a different position to her, in that you are financially independent, no children, not married, and young. Once you are in and committed and have DCs then you have to work out how to make the best of things and work your way out of problems if they arise.
But to be unfettered and knowingly take on that burden is a bit of a different situation.

I am not saying leave him, btw. Just be sure that if you go onward with your DP that you have your eyes open as to what life will be like.

HappyCamel

Hi Ali, haven't seen you for ages. I think we have dc2 on the way, I'm hating the idea of the GD coming back and eating as many chocs as possible now in case I have to give them up again later!

Oh congratulations! :) Fingers crossed on the GD, I think you had a worse time with that than I did, I got off v.lightly in the end.

The other difference is that she also already has two children...

HappyCamel has a very good point. Maybe your boyfriend simply does not want to change jobs, or do what is best for your relationship.

I think the important thing here is that personality traits aren't right or wrong in themselves but they can of course be right or wrong in terms of compatibility with a partner. So you need to decide what you are able to cope with for the long term and not get involved in trying to change someone. A good person may well try to change if they love their partner, but if they are basically a plodder or basically very driven, that will always be there and cause a lot of tension if one partner is trying desperately to be something they're not.

Personally I don't think any of what you describe makes you partner a bad person and I share with you an unease about the assumption that any man who will not be a great "provider" is not worth being with. However, if this relationship is to last you need to be well aware of what your future will hold. I married a man who is clever, funny, a great cook and who does at least 50% of the housework but he also has some pretty unpleasant MH issues which mean that he is a bit risky in the "provider" stakes. Like you, I was and am financially independent but undoubtedly we do not have the life many women would expect - I work full time, only took 12 weeks mat leave and only have one child.

None of that is bad or wrong as long as you know what you are getting into. Your OP implies you expect him to change and it's that bit that worries me. If he isn't the man you want him to be now, there is no reason to think he will be in the future.

He is jumping too far ahead when he thinks about applying for jobs. If you apply for a job you may or may not get an interview. If you get an interview, you can decide not to attend (of course informing employer). If you get a job offer you don't have to take it.

If you don't apply in the first place you deffo won't get an interview or the job! If you apply and get an interview, then you get interview experience. in fact with no interview experience, it may be better to apply for jobs you don't want, so you can get interview experience to use when the job you do want comes along.

(I do realise there are not loads of jobs out there though)

Practice makes perfect, and he is out of practice.

Who knows what is going on with this man and why he is the way he is. Perhaps he is like my dh as i previously described, who knows. But the amount of "leave hims" has me shocked!

Such an extreme reaction to a man who is otherwise making the op very happy. So much concentration on his ability to financially provide. Hardly any on why this man feels so low about himself that it holds him back from doing anything.

I feel sorry for him. Everyone else thinks he's a useless twat.

No, it's not about his ability to provide. It's about what the OP calls "his massive inactiveness over doing anything."
In other words, his entire approach to life.
If they're not compatible in that way....what does that leave?

I think this is actually quite simple to solve: buy a car yourself out of your own money and then let him sort out his own career. He's quite young and I don't see the point in fixing on this ideal nearer to home job right now in the middle of a recession. Plus we have always tended to make our own final decisions about which jobs to apply for and where.

I also think people don't change massively about how interested they are in their careers, he may never be that fussed about which job he does and always take the easy option. I guess the question might be whether this might work for you in the longer-term if you are ambitious (in terms of him working less, flexibly, being a SAHP). I know more than one couple where this has happened basically because the man is less career-oriented and happy to stay home for a few years, and it's actually enabled the woman to do very well. Two highly ambitious people who like to both take decisions and be in control can be very wearing (as I know to my cost). There can be benefits to having a less driven partner as well as the downsides.

@Mumsy and @PooPoo I think you get it.

I don't expect to be SAHM and he has said if needed that he would stay at home with any children we have. I have alsways aspired to achieve quite highly in any career. I am not greedy but my ideal scenario would be to earn enough money for him to stay at home and look after any children at least for a few years, though realise that may be unrealistic. I think he would be better than me as a sahp tbh. Let's be frnak, I would standing over them going DO YOU WANT AN CARROT OR CUCUMBER! MAKE AND F*ING DECISION!

It is not the case that he can't make a decison about anything, he is fine with the small stuff but the bigger stuff freaks him out. I do need to sort out how I feel about it and perhaps explore some councelling with him. And realise what I can and can't change.

I am a v decisive person and do find it a bit wearing though. We are going to his parent's next w/e and they are already looking for reasons to not go to a restaurant they suggested! I'm already feeling itchy over it!

I don't think it's about his ability to 'provide', but it is about what he sees the relationship as being, and what he wants it to be like.

DH and I are a partnership. We both saved for maternity leave because it was for our child, not for me. We talk to each other about things like career choices and opportunities, because these things impact each other. We drag ourselves to work on the days we don't want to go because we have joint responsibilities, and joint plans. Feminism certainly does NOT mean taking on another person's problems because you are so very very strong and fierce. It means treating yourself with care and respect, at a bare minimum, I'd think, and insisting that others treat you likewise.

I don't think he's a bad man. I do think I couldn't be with someone like him, but happily the OP isn't me. And as for 'where are all the men who do half the work of running a family' - well there's one in my house, and all my friends have married/moved in with them. They exist, and I certainly wouldn't settle for less just because your mother did.

My last post here because I really don't want you to feel 'got at' - you're not, at least from me! The final thing I want to say is: yes, relationships take work but if the amount of work is massively unevenly distributed (e.g. one partner is doing it) then the relationship is in trouble. Eventually the worker-minded one (whether it's emotional work, administrative work, or earning work)will resent the 'well let's just see' person.

also, I don't think I have made this clear enough. He has a very hard, demanding job that he is unhappy in. He is not lazy in that respect. Just not driven to do anything about it iyswim.

@blackcurrants Thanks for your input. I don't feel got at by you, just shocked by some of the resposnes here. I feel if DP was blaing his inability to do things on a physical incapacity then resposes would be v different is all.

My point about sharing housework is that it is highly subjective. My mother considers her and my father to have a v equal relationship. TBF I think she is v overbearing, and she is quite upfront about his failings with regard to some things around the house but not others. He won't change but they are v happy.

I was thinking that he may be paralysed to get started, but if he did he might surprise himself.

Some posters have lived long term with partners a bit like yours and have found it did not make for a v happy fulfilling life, hence they are suggesting you at least have a think about the future with someone like this. But it sounds to me like him being a SAHP could work v well.