Getting increasingly sick and tired of DP's indecision (long sorry)

[tardisjumper]

WE have just spent ANOTHER saturday morning at each other's throats as I have asked (nicely and softly) for some kind of decision on one of two points:

1. are you getting a new job so we can move closer to mine
2. If not are we going to get a car so we can enjoy where we live a bit more (a town in Surrey). And so I can take advantage of tax benefits which would mean I could claim abou 20% back on my commuting costs.

He accused me of nagging him, which made me explode, as I feel that his refusal to make a decision on either of these two points in forcing me to just live with the current situation. This is that I spend £4k a year commuting to my job which i started 3 months ago after leaving my last one due to harrassment (however that wasn't much closer and i paid £3k a year to commute). He works a 15 min drive away and gets a lift with a friend who charges him £15 a month in petrol. However he hates his job and works ridiculous hours for no money ( I earn about 50% more than him).

On the NIGHT we moved in together (18 months ago) he announced he was going to get a new job meanign I have neverbeen able to buy a year's season ticket to work which is what I wuld need to do to take advantage of tax benefits and just spent all of December swearing he would get a new job in the new year. He has looked at new jobs ONCE and applied for one job while I hung over him and practically wrote it for him. Not very nice of me I know but i am at my wit's end being controlled by his failure to make any decision.

Now I have settled into my job and relaxed into my vv long commute I am not so fussed about moving closer to work and have told him this. I have also asked him if he just wants to stay here as he hasn't applied to any jobs. Therefore shall we look at getting a car which I know he really wants(which I can no afford as I earn more in my new job) To which he explode and huffs and puffs and accusses me of nagging him.

He says he is just happy to bump along but I am furious as I basically pay for him to do this to the tune of THOUSANDS of pounds a year while we sit here and wait for him to make up his mind. So I try and have a chat with him about splitting living costs more fairly to which he replies that I earn more so I shoudl pay more. But the decison we made when we moved in was that we would split everything, on his behest. I now have sig higher living costs.

Basically this boils down to his massive inactivenss over doign anything. He lived ina hosue for a year where a housemate used to have orgies with prositiutes in the front room and a land lord who was extorting him for a year as he 'couldn't face' finding somewhere else. This morning we also had a massive huff and puff as he got a tax rebate (nice) from the inland revenue but couldn't face having to go to the bank to find out his account number so he could deposit it there. He had a payg phone up until we moved in together as he couldn't face the forms for a contract phone. What do I do?

I am considering just buying abloody car and sayiong to hell with it if we end up in London, but I can't buy a season ticket if he suddenly changes his tune and gets a new job somewhere else. I am just so cross about how much he is costing me in time and money.

@mummy Can you? Do you have a link about terms and conditions?

@Alibabaa He says he is going to review the kind of jobs he is looking for and start looking afresh. There's not much I can do except wait and see what happens.

I do understand what you are all saying about having to make all the decisions for the rest of our lives. But where are these men who organise childcare, take time off to go to parent's evenings etc? My parents would both described themselves as feminists but my parents still had rows about the fact that my mum had to organise all those things.

My dad doesn't know how to operate the washing machine and as for booking a holiday? Forget it

I agree with everyone else - you will have a long and hard life if you stay with this man.

I know that wasn't the point of your OP, but it's glaringly obvious to all of us that you are now in a strong position (good salary, self motivated) and you will be in a very weak position before too long.

As a poster said above, find someone with more drive.

It sounds like he's picked up his personality traits from his dad. That's something he can work at if he wants to.

I get scared like that applying for jobs as well. It was definitely passed down from my parents.

He sounds like he has less get up and go then me though. My dh can be like that, its part of his depression. Used to drive me crazy as he would put everything off and procrastinate. He would even try to got me to do the same as that would make him feel less bad about it.

He's a lot better now though. I think realising what the problem is, is half the battle.

Poor you then, if you think that modern men are all like your dad, and that you will settle for somebody totally incompetent in this department just because your dad was like that. My dad was also a bit like that, no way would I live my life like a 50s housewife just because my mum did.

" But where are these men who organise childcare, take time off to go to parent's evenings etc?"

Ah, so you know you're settling, but you don't believe you can do better?

Hmmm, sounds like you two have that in common, at least.

There's a man like that in my house.

We call them "adults".

Worth holding out for IMO.

@Poopoo thanks for that! I think this is partly a minor mental health problem that he has. He is anxious and has low self esteem. How did your DH work through it?

The thing is, and I don't want to give too much away, but his job requires a huge amount of drive and dedication as do the various exams he has to do for it. Which he is now (finally) doing.

Would councelling work? wrt the self esteem?

@Quint My mum is a leading academic. My dad does everything else and runs finances (as my mum refuses) and his own company on top of his main job. They have 3 children and its hard work.

My point is relationships fall along lines and someone will end up doing more of one thing and less of another unless you are obsessive.

Dear God! My Dad was also that way inclined, although he had drive and ambition and decision making aplenty for his career, which meant that at least the burden was shared - he earned and my Mum was a SAHM when we were small, so dealt with all the other stuff.

Doesn't mean that I didn't want a husband with a more modern outlook, so I married one!

But it seems like you are to bear the brunt in all respects. Earning most of the money, and doing all the organising while he moans about having no confidence. Bloody exhausting frankly.

I'm not sure if it's still the case, but it used to be that if you bought a season ticket, and didn't use it all, you could get a refund before the end for the unused portion, less an admin fee.

Not all men are like that, My dad taught me how to use the washing machine and how to make proper gravy amongst other things.

Your DP has issues, its up to him to seek help for them/ sort them out himself. You can't fix his problems for him.

I also think though, that if you earn more, then you should pay proportionally more of the household fees, its only fair.

"I also think though, that if you earn more, then you should pay proportionally more of the household fees, its only fair."

I disagree - they're young and unmarried.

Shared finances is a massive commitment, and not one you are under any obligation to make to every boyfriend you live with.

It doesn't have to be different from a flatmate - you share space, but are basically independent.

Smart when you are young, unmarried, childless (and with someone who is a bad bet long term).

This is the south west trains term s and conditions, you can exchange the ticket or get a refund if you move or change where you work.

@mummy that's great. Thanks!

He sounds like my Bil. Married now to his second wife and she mothers him (he's 37 this year FFS) and she's early 30s. He's got 3 other children from first wife (well at least 1 is his - totally different thread!) and when they come visit 2x/year the new wife sorts everything out. From paying for their flights to food, entertainment etc. she also pays for the mortgage and bills as she earns more and his earnings are more irregular. But he doesn't really pull his weight around the house though which is what annoys me, on her behalf.

They've talked about having their own baby. But she'll be the one sorting things out (like what some people have alluded to in your future)... Saving up for her to go on maternity leave, childcare, pick up etcetc.
And she knows it.

Don't get into the whole I need to sort him out trap. Support him yes, but don't put your life in hold.

He had counselling and as it turns out needs to be on antidepressants long term which he is.

He has realised that its the depression stopping him doing things so that makes him fight it.

I believe mine has low self esteem as well.

At one point mine was in a terrible job that made him incredibly unhappy but he just couldn't leave. I didn't understand it but it turned out that he just couldn't bear to think about it long enough to apply for another job. It was almost painful.

He is a lot better now, the pills help. Its not a miracle cure though so he's about to enter another lot of therapy.

My dh was definitely affected by his parents and i suspect the same of yours. Having very negative parents rubs off.

Thanks for warnings. But what is worried about saving up for own maternity leave. I would get nothing other than bare minimum in current job so have just started saving. Why should I only respect a man who can pay my way?

40 years of feminism people!

Because you need to ensure you dont end up with a cocklodger, thats why.

"Why should I only respect a man who can pay my way?"

You should only respect a man who can pay his own way.

And apply for his own jobs.

You are saving up to cover your maternity leave?

Are you planning to have children with this man in the near future?

What you are practicing is NOT feminism. It is mothering a man-child who cant handle his own affairs, apply for jobs, make decisions. Being with such a man, who cant pay his own way, does not make you a feminist, only naive.

@Athing not in the near future no. I have other independent savings too.

He does pay his own way by the way. He pays half of all bills and rent except travel despite having v little money left over when I do. But I feel the travel thing is a bit unequal. However, he has assured me he wants to move nearer to my work and will spend some time reviewing the kind of jobs he will apply for this week. I can only wait and see.

btw I have a firend who is training to be a doctor. Her fiance is v indi rich due to inheritance and is also a doctor several years ahead of her. He charges her rent to stay in his house in London while she studies. She is also insisting on paying for half the wedding and he is accepting. She still feels guilty that she is bringing less to the relationship. Is she being a feminist or is he being a twat?

They are both being twats!

He for being so financially uptight that he has gone as far as to make money of her, his fiance. She for staying with him.
A relationship can never be truly equal if led by principles for the sake of it.

He is clearly a twat. He charges his fiancee rent whilst she's studying and he's very rich? She needs to get some self esteem, I think. She sounds as though she's believing he's better than she is and I imagine there's only one place that's coming from.

As for you, OP, that's not feminism!!! Is he saving up for your maternity leave? Feminism doesn't mean doing everything yourself for both you and a partner.

@Imperial No he isn't saving up for maternity leave but he is saving some (v small as he can't afford much more) money each month 'for the future'.

he just came up to me and said that he was sorry about what he said and though he does have self esteem says he doesn't think he should be using it as an excuse and does need to be more proactive. Is that ok ladies?

He shouldn't pay your way, or not unless you are both happy with that. But he should pay his own way.

You are going to be having the children, earning all the money, and sorting out everything else. What does he bring to the party?

I'm going to step back here, because I suspect you are feeling got at, but please think about some of this. And please don't fall into the trap of thinking Feminism = Do It All Myself. Have the ability to do it all, yes, but don't end up doing everything while your partner stands idly by.