Getting increasingly sick and tired of DP's indecision (long sorry)

[tardisjumper]

WE have just spent ANOTHER saturday morning at each other's throats as I have asked (nicely and softly) for some kind of decision on one of two points:

1. are you getting a new job so we can move closer to mine
2. If not are we going to get a car so we can enjoy where we live a bit more (a town in Surrey). And so I can take advantage of tax benefits which would mean I could claim abou 20% back on my commuting costs.

He accused me of nagging him, which made me explode, as I feel that his refusal to make a decision on either of these two points in forcing me to just live with the current situation. This is that I spend £4k a year commuting to my job which i started 3 months ago after leaving my last one due to harrassment (however that wasn't much closer and i paid £3k a year to commute). He works a 15 min drive away and gets a lift with a friend who charges him £15 a month in petrol. However he hates his job and works ridiculous hours for no money ( I earn about 50% more than him).

On the NIGHT we moved in together (18 months ago) he announced he was going to get a new job meanign I have neverbeen able to buy a year's season ticket to work which is what I wuld need to do to take advantage of tax benefits and just spent all of December swearing he would get a new job in the new year. He has looked at new jobs ONCE and applied for one job while I hung over him and practically wrote it for him. Not very nice of me I know but i am at my wit's end being controlled by his failure to make any decision.

Now I have settled into my job and relaxed into my vv long commute I am not so fussed about moving closer to work and have told him this. I have also asked him if he just wants to stay here as he hasn't applied to any jobs. Therefore shall we look at getting a car which I know he really wants(which I can no afford as I earn more in my new job) To which he explode and huffs and puffs and accusses me of nagging him.

He says he is just happy to bump along but I am furious as I basically pay for him to do this to the tune of THOUSANDS of pounds a year while we sit here and wait for him to make up his mind. So I try and have a chat with him about splitting living costs more fairly to which he replies that I earn more so I shoudl pay more. But the decison we made when we moved in was that we would split everything, on his behest. I now have sig higher living costs.

Basically this boils down to his massive inactivenss over doign anything. He lived ina hosue for a year where a housemate used to have orgies with prositiutes in the front room and a land lord who was extorting him for a year as he 'couldn't face' finding somewhere else. This morning we also had a massive huff and puff as he got a tax rebate (nice) from the inland revenue but couldn't face having to go to the bank to find out his account number so he could deposit it there. He had a payg phone up until we moved in together as he couldn't face the forms for a contract phone. What do I do?

I am considering just buying abloody car and sayiong to hell with it if we end up in London, but I can't buy a season ticket if he suddenly changes his tune and gets a new job somewhere else. I am just so cross about how much he is costing me in time and money.

@ThePink I think that may be part of it definatly. I can see he is beign a bit ridiculous in his reasons for not applying, but he can't. It's a mix of paralysis, owrrying and beign aperson who doesn't jump at things anyway.

"couldn't face having to go to the bank to find out his account number so he could deposit it there. He had a payg phone up until we moved in together as he couldn't face the forms for a contract phone."

This type of thing would drive me to distraction quite frankly. I couldn´t be with a man like this. Too much bloody hard work! Cos I´d be feeling like his mother....

lose the generalisations for a start
like men of his generation.... are you for real
you both sound bit crackers
you're anal
he's flaky writer

"I do need to sort out how I feel about it and perhaps explore some councelling with him. And realise what I can and can't change."

You can't change anything about him.

Your choices are love him as he is or leave.

The way you have mischaractersised what we are all saying us quite telling, I think.

Not a single person has mentioned his ability to provide as being a problem.

We were talking about his independence and his ability to be a happy, successful (by his own definition) adult in the world, but you took that to mean that we thought he should be paying your way.

But despite your obvious frustration with him, and the fact that it sounds like you are project managing his life for him, you refused to hear the points about incompatibility and unhealthy patterns of dependence and bossiness and chose instead to pretend that we were saying you should leave him because he earns less than you.

Do you think a woman with a flaky, indecisive partner who was entirely happy with him and not seeking to change him would be advised not to continue the relationship?

The reason for the advice was not his qualities but the character of your complaints about him.

Good relationships are not this much hard work - especially not at the start before you have any joint responsibilities.

Deciding someone isn't right for you isn't deciding they are a "bad person", it is about knowing yourself well enough to know what will suit you inna lifelong domestic partnership.

There are women who would a lot more chilled out about his work situation, who wouldn't be standing over him while he did job applications, and who would just sort out their own transport without getting in a spin about his arrangements.

It can't be pleasant for him to have you pushing him the whole time and wanting to change him.

But sure, pretend that we're all just idiots with no experience of life and no knowledge of feminism if it makes you feel good about the way this relationship is going...

Spot on, AThingInYourLife.

You've said his parents are like it, so it isn't depression, or lack of self esteem, but learned behaviour that he could change if he wanted to.
You say his parents are happy, that is great, it sounds like they are similar people so their approach obviously works for them and their relationship.

You say you would hope he would be a SAHD. What does he envisage that being like? Is that his plan too?

Well said AThing, and amen to that.

You seem to have an awful lot of plans and aspirations for his life. Would you not rather find a man you don't have to change, but one who actually fits your plan and share your life ambitions?

You sound more and more like a control freak. Maybe he is actually right for you, as you can boss him around and "nag", whereas a more decisive man would be a nightmare for you.

thanks for input. Though I htin kpeople are misreading a lot of this.

I just want to know what is happening. I don't want him to get a new job. I want to knwo whether or not he is going ot start looking for one.

I am quite bossy, and he extrememly flaky (by the way I did not say his parents were happy. They are in fact wierd and miserable). TBH I don't know why the posts you put here now are being put here now. This is the kind of response I was expecting at the beginning .

And I was told some bollocks about people saying they couldn't be with a man who couldn't provide. Now that's pathetic.

The SAHD plans are his. Not mine. Wanting to know if we may need to move in 6 months is my need and not his

TardisJumper,

re an earlier comment of yours:-

"It's just something we need to work on and i would like to go about it".

If only it was that simple. He won't work on it however, he's more than happy where he is, he gets what he wants out of the relationship (i.e you doing all the work and carrying him) and he has his parents marriage as an example. He learnt a lot of damaging stuff from them as a child, lessons he is now transferring to his relationship with you.

He is NOT your project to rescue and or save and you cannot change anything about him. Its too ingrained and nothing you do or say will make a hill of beans difference.

This is already hard work, is it worth it?. On balance I would have to say not because you are setting yourself up for settling and being the mother to this manchild where his own mother left off.

No, I don;t think he will look for a new job either now or ever actually. He is probably thinking that his next book will hit the big time.

You are only in your mid 20s with the arrogance and immaturity such an age too readily carries but do you really want this as a life?. Am not suggesting he is a horrible person but as a life partner he is completely and utterly not up to being responsible.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You both seem completely and utterly mismatched to each other. How on earth did you meet and whose idea was it to move in together?.

oh, are you all assuming he is some creatinve novelist type who is a no hoper? No no no! He has a real job. That he gets paid for. It is just in a low salaried industry.

Also, that is a typo I meant I would like to KNOW how to go about it.

I don't agree that the probelms are as un-overcomable as you suggest. This thread has made me realise that we havn't been considering eachother's needs. He says he didn't realise how much all this meant to me, and I didn't realise just how different he is from me in this respect.

I also really wish I hadn't told you my age. This has turned into a bit of a patronise fest. Just becuase certian people on here may not have been making big decisions at my age doesn't mean I can't. But I do realise I need to try and get a better idea of what DP needs.

@Attila Suggesting we are completely incompatible based on a thread on MN is pretty arrogent. WE are vv compatible in many many other ways. And very much in love which is one of the reasons I get so cross when things aren't easy!

WE mutually decided to move in together.

"But I do realise I need to try and get a better idea of what DP needs".

But what about him trying to work out what needs you have as well?. You cannot carry a relationship on your own, its not going to work if you try and act as his enabler, rescuer and or saviour within it.

Again why it is seemingly down to you solely to try and fix things?. The two of you are at each other's throats as well when any reasoned discourse is attempted, how is that realistically going to change when he is not bothered hearing what you want?. He is quite happy as he is and will not change for you him or anyone else. He's already gone back on his word re the finances, what else will he do?.

As for your age well you are still young and without children. 20s should be a ball, not like this. Love should not be such hard work honestly. Do you really want to be saddled with such a man in your mid 20s?. You make him your project at your peril.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. I can see what he gets out of it but you?.

The thing is OP, by saying he needs to "work on" these problems, what you are actually saying is "he needs to change". To have a happy relationship you need to accept that this is the way he is - if this is not how you wantt him to be you will never be happy. I used to live with someone like this and it drove me mad. Everytime you make a decision it makes it even less likely that he will do the same. In the end I left my ex - ironicaly he is very high achieving at work and is now happily married to another high achiever who also looks after him and generally runs his life. Neither if them want children. He could never have coped with them.

@Atilla I am going to sing out now as people are obv not reading what I have said.

"He says he didn't realise how much all this meant to me" seeing as you want further analysis this means that HE HAS decided to work on realiseing what my needs are too. It is odd you are reading so much into my words and getting completely the wrong end of the stick. I point this out and you say I am young and arrogent. Jeeeesus!

WE have only been at each others over this one issue for the past coupl eof weeks. We aren't constanly arguing. The reason I am on mn is this i one of our first big long-term disagreements. Plus, I am sick of people (our friends and family) asking ME what our long term plans are. People don't do this to men do they, so I am under a lot of pressure which is why I am upset.

Atila, what are you getting out of this?

Some of the posters on here seen intent on convincing you to dump him! For being indecisive!

"You are only in your mid 20s with the arrogance and immaturity such an age too readily carries"

That's a general point, not one directed at you personally.

Well I suppose if you've been together for some considerable time it is only natural for people to ask what the next step is.

Mid twenties is not that young, so not sure why this is an issue. I met my dh when I was just 21, moved in with him. At the time I did not even consider our long term goals, plans and objectives, the important thing was just being and living our lives and enjoy. We got married when we were in our mid twenties, still without any long term plans, and our first child was born when I was 30, and he was a surprise!

I guess if you both just go with the flow it is not a problem. If only one of you is going with the flow and the other trying to plan, and is under pressure to work out a Life Plan, it is different.

I get that you are a little annoyed. I would be too. Pick and chose. The positive to take away from this thread is that even if you dont agree, and even if some posters disagree with you, it has perhaps helped you see more clearly both your own and his issues. It is good that you are now talking about it. That is a result! A good one.

I don't get the mid twenties thing either. I met my dh at 22, we moved in together at 26 and had our first child at 30.

Just went back and read a few messages.

I am amazed at the posters not even bothering to read what the op has written yet making some very sweeping statements about her relationship, and there are some who seem intent on getting the op to finish her relationship. I could understand this if he were abusive or fucking around but he's not. In fact the op is very happy with him but is frustrated about one issue. Its just all very strange!

Op, your post appears to have attracted a load of weirdos with their own issues.

Atila how the hell would YOU know if they are mismatched. And since when are the best relationships the ones where both people have the same personalities? Our differences are what make us interesting!

Aliba i don't agree that he can't have depression or self esteem issues. My dh gets some of his issues from his parents definitely but there is depression and self esteem issues there to. They often come together. With my dh, his father used to put him down a lot which really cemented the other issues he learnt from them.

"This morning we also had a massive huff and puff as he got a tax rebate (nice) from the inland revenue but couldn't face having to go to the bank to find out his account number so he could deposit it there."

I just can't get over this! He can't 'face' (for which read, be bothered as it will mean some actual affort) to go to the bank to deposit a cheque for money that he has been given?!

Does he live in la la land with the fairies and the pixies?

Oh wait, no he doesn't. Because he's found someone who will pick after him and put up with his general uselessness.

tardis, he might be charming and lovely now but I can guarantee that your life is going to get infinitely more stressful in a myriad of ways if you stay with this man.

I also met DH in my mid-twenties, the references to your age, on my part at least, was accompanied by reference to the fact that you are unmarried and childless.

The point was not that you were immature (although you do sound it, TBH) but that you were not under any obligations - financial, societal, familial, or otherwise - to stay together and make this thing work.

Someone else had made a similar category error to yours and suggested that the advice is to dump him "for being indecisive".

The advice is not about him. Nobody is saying you should end the relationship to punish him.

It sounds like you are considering the long-term future of your relationship, so it hardly seems that crazy to suggest that you consider whether it is the right one for you.

By all means put loads of energy into "making it work", but know that when you are bound together with mortgage and marriage and, mostly significantly, children that you won't have the same time or energy to devote to the day to day maintenance of your relationship.

And it will be much harder and more damaging to everybody involved if you decide it's not working.

That's the advice really - if it's this much work now, how will you manage if you actually have serious issues to negotiate?

That is not to belittle this one - this is a useful flag for how decisions about jobs, location, money and future plans will be worked out (or not).

You would be a fool not to be watching how it plays out with a keen eye as to whether this relationship will give you what you need long-term.

tardis I think you would have no problem in buying a season ticket as after everything you've explained there is no danger of him applying for another job. I speak from experience.

My partner (of 12 years but known him for 25) is pretty much the same. I earn more and I make pretty much most of the decisions about anything because nothing would ever get done otherwise. If you do want to stay with him you just sort of have to expect that. I do find it frustrating at times because it would be nice if he took the initiative or made a few decisions.

Once you've accepted it's down to you then there is a lot less stress. The only problem occurs is when only he can sort something out (eg remortgaging a house he still owns in order to carry out essential maintenance on it and pay for a trip to see his mother with his three boys for her birthday this year (she lives a long way away in foreign country). This affects me because I can't book anything until he's sorted his money issues out.

Athinginmylife. Oh! You've just done the classic "you don't agree with me so Im going to call you immature" thing!

When posters do that it makes THEM sound immature, and rather daft.