Furious with MIL

[3GirlsMum]

Grr I am so angry with my MIL. She has to interfere or take over things. We live 250 miles away and this year we are at her house for xmas. She has something arranged for most days we are there (I have to see my own family at some time!!) and we have SS for the majority of the time we are down. I do not have a good relationship with my SS anymore, BM has poisoned his mind against me and she delights in telling me he hates me which he has admitted saying.

Problem is this...on christmas eve we have a girls night out, thats me and my 2 daughters..lol! We always go to the pictures and see a christmas movie and dad stays at home and looks after youngest. Not often I get chance to go out with just my two eldest and they love it. We invited MIL to come with us and she was really pleased.

Well tonight my hubby has spoken to his son and he son has told as that as well as other activities his grandma has told him he is doing he also looks forward to going to the pictures with us on Christmas Eve. I am furious. MIL didnt even consult me or ask if I mind..and I damn well do. At the end of the day his dads not going, hes not my child and things are very tense and fraught when hes around..I want to be able to enjoy xmas with my girls without all of this.

Problem now is what do I do??????

poor you.
what you do is choose a very very girly film, and then tell him that he is very welcome to come but you'd have thought he'd hate the movie and prefer to watch the video [insert name of violent shooting boys movie that you'd normally not let him watch] that his dad is getting out that evening in the hope that he'd have a boys night in with him.

will that work?!!

Does your MIL know how your relationship with SS is? If no then you have to explain it to her. I would tell her it is a girly night and your dh isn't coming and has she told SS that. If he hates you why would he want to be around you? Maybe MIL can take SS to the pictures on their own and you and your 2 girls can have your girly night. I know if this was my mum she would be unable to see a problem and think I should forget about SS and just pretend everythings hunky. If it was my MIL I wouldn't have invited her as she's pathetic and wouldn't stop talking throughout the film. Sorry can't be of much help but don't feel pressurised to do something you don't want to.

My MIL knows all about the problems with my SS and she also knows that this was a "girly" night. I always take my girls to see a xmas film on xmas eve and she has just taken it upon herself to invite him!

Oh you have one of those MIL's then. Poor you. I have the mother so understand. I would tell her you are a little annoyed at her inviting him in view of it being a girls night. Perhaps she will offer to uninvite when you show her her error. I think you must tell her and she if she can resolve the problem as she has created it. You are not not inviting him because you don't get on it's because he's not a girl. A reasonable person must understand - tradition is to be upheld and all that. What does dh think?

I love "uninvite", Queenie!

3girlsmum, it's your night out with your DDs, you invited your MIL, it's not her place to invite someone else - it's your arrangement. If she thinks SS should be taken to the pictures then let her take him, just the 2 of them. Assuming your DH agrees with you then get him to do the negotiating.

Just out of interest, how old is SS and how old are your DDs? Even given the poisonous BM, it would be nicer for all if you could somehow be more friendly - he is your DDs' brother after all - maybe this is what your MIL is hoping for? But this isn't the way to do it.

Jahn, yes I think if it was my mum she would indeed be trying in her own unique way to get everyone to get on but as you say it's not her place to invite him in the first place. Families eh??

My DH is reluctant to say much because he says his mum is fragile at the moment..a lot has been happening and she always put herself in the middle (not with us but other members of the family). My SS is 11 and my DD's 9 and 7. I just want some time alone with them that is our time and I really dont think thats asking too much but I know full well that MIL will be extremely "off" with me if DH says anything to her about this. However I dont feel inclined to grin and bear it..sorry but I dont want a child that tells his mother he hates me with me all the time.

I have been his SM for 11 years now and always thought we had a fairly good relationship until recently (this summer hols) and TBH whilst I would never stop my DH or girls from seeing him I would rather not spend as much time with him at the moment. My christmas seems to have been arranged around me despite me voicing how I feel and I am beginning to feel like its ruined before it started.

Why do sons always see their mums as fragile? Go and order the tickets now and leave him out!! Oh no, that's just too awful of me. I think you must speak to MIL though as you are making yourself unhappy and until you get this out in the open you will think of nothing else.

The problem is...as angry and upset as I am by this, I have had time to think about it and I realise its not fair for me now to say to SS "you cant come". I wouldnt like someone offering something to one of my girls then taking it away. What I cant understand is why, if SS doesnt like me, he would chose to spend so much time in my company?????? Added to which can envisage MIL having a tantrum if she doesnt get her own way.

message withdrawn

I totally agre with Twiglett.... My mum is a SM to a 12 yo boy and she does find it hard but she knows deep down the boy is being manipulated and manipulative too (in his way) and he is trying to fit in and please his dad (or chakkenge him to show that he exists).
Personnaly I would not exclude him as you'll be seen as the villain by all except DH (presumably). Don't forget he is a 11 yo.... close to puberty, and I am sure deep down wants to be loved and fit in.

As for MIL - you won't change her.... god knows I tried with mine

My SS has plenty of opportunity to be part of the family and I do go out of my way to make him feel included. He gets exactly the same as my girls when he is with us. The point is that he was supposed to go home on the morning of the 24th as well...something DH and I agreed as we always have a lot to do on xmas eve, now we have him from the moment we arrive right up until xmas eve!

Problem is we only have a car that fits five and now there are 6 of us which in itself creates problems as I am very strict about each person having their own seat in the car. Means therefore that we are going to have to take two cars everywhere!

Its not my SS's fault, I appreciate that, and DH fully understands where I am coming from. I have to admit though its going to be very hard work this xmas and feeling a little stressed as I do already I cant say Im looking forward to it.

My DH has my youngest to look after. She is still only young and too small for the cinema. Added to which we originally agreed SS was to go home on the morning of the 24th and that DH would help sort out the wrapping of some presents whilst I was still out with my other two daughters. I think that one thing that grates the most is that when we are not down MIL very rarely sees SS!!

Maybe she wants to include him ?

I'm sorry but he is only eleven years old and he is part of your family - he's his father's son, your daughter's older brother and your MIL's grandson. Of course he tells his mother he hates you, poor thing must be torn to pieces trying to please everyone and everything he does to please one makes him more unpopular with the other. Now he can't even go to the pictures with his sisters and grandma. He cannot come third all the time - I think he is much more important than parcel wrapping personally. And if your dd is so young, presumably she goes to bed early so why can't your dh and your ss watch a video then and get a takeaway pizza etc etc. There's forever between then and now to wrap the wretched presents. Do it before you arrive and there's no problem, surely? He can't help being unwanted.
Believe me, I am stepmother to an 11-year-old right on the cusp of puberty. She can be scratchy, but she's also very vulnerable - just a child with hormones. I am not pretending it can't be difficult to have a child that is not biologically yours and has loyalties elswhere, but that's not their fault. The adults in the family made the situation and so I don't think it's fair to blame the child. I know this probably sounds really harsh, but as someone in your position I really do feel for your ss. He's looking forward to the trip, it's his grandma and his sisters, if you don't want him along, well that's one thing, but why not at least offer him the boys night in option?

Doesn't your dh love and miss his own son and want to spend time with him anyway?

Aloha I have NOT at ANY time blamed my SS. I think I pointed out in a previous post that it was not his fault. At the end of the day I knew my SS was around when I met my DH but that does not mean that I have to see him for every second of my visit. Of course my DH loves him and wants to spend time with him and we are doing that for the majority of the time that we are visiting down south.

The problem with MIL is that she likes to interfere. Its her own guilt here thats the problem. At the end of the day I have no guilt, I do an awful lot for my SS and I dont think its unfair of me to have one day without my SS in which I feel that I can relax.

sounds like an interfering MIL to me - at least you normally live 250km away.
I'd make dh phone mil and get her to explain to ss that it's a girlie night out only and get her to arrange something else for you all to do as a family another time. Or could you all go the multiplex together and spend some time together and some as a girlie time off on your own?
no other ideas but sympathies - I've got a 'helpful' mil too

3GM

I don't have step children myself, so I suppose I should mind my own buisness

I realise that this must be very difficult for you, and no-one suggests that you have to spend 24/7 with your stepson. But, we are talking about Xmas Eve, and the kid is going to feel very excluded if he can't come with you to the cinema. I realise that it will be a pain in the backside to organise, but I would imagine that the kid will feel gutted if he can go with you. Can't MIL stay home and let your SS take her place (since she dropped you in it)

I hope that things get sorted and that you all have a great christmas

i don't have step children either but my initial thought reading between the lines of you post 3GirlsMum is, it sounds like your stepson is saying he hates you to please his mum. The fact that you also said "why does he want to spend so much time with you if he hates you" indicates that he actually doesn't! Maybe he's trying to please everyone and really likes you but out of loyalty to his mum feels he shouldn't!..........Anyway, Good luck and hope you don't mind me giving my opinion, it just seemed like that to me! Hope you get things sorted soon!++

I agree with beetroot, surely your dh could get a video that your ss really wants to see and invite him to stay home with him "while those girls go off to do girlie things". If it's phrased as an invitation from your dh then there's no reason for him to feel excluded from what you're doing? If that isn't possible then I think you'll just have to grit your teeth and try and make it as nice as you can. Presumably having your MIL there will have already altered the dynamics, so you may just have to think that this year is going to be different, but back to normal next year? If you can try and approach it in a spirit of generosity rather than resentment I'm sure you'll feel better in the end, but I know it's hard.

3gm i think you're just angry at the way your xmas has been arranged more than spending an evening with your ss,couldn't you mil look after the little one and dh go to the cinema with you?

Whymummy I think you have hit the nail on the head. I do object to everything being arranged around me and for me.

We have now found out that MIL has also arranged for my SS to arrive on the day that we do so we dont even get chance for the girls to see their grandparents on their own. We had originally decided together what day we would pick him up and had arranged that as we were arriving late on the Friday we would see some of my relatives on the Saturday and then pick him up first thing on the Sunday morning. Now seems as though MIL has arranged for him to also arrive on the Friday (necessitating two cars on visits for the Saturday as there are too many of us for one car). What gets me is that prior to this she has not had him to stay for a number of months, if not nearly a year!

As for suggesting a video, my SS wouldnt be interested. He knows he has been invited to the pictures and he will want to do that rather than stay at home with his dad.

3girlsmum i had to sacrifise spending xmas in spain so we didn't have to spend xmas with the in-laws either,we now stay here and we absolutely love being on our own and waiting for the kids to come downstairs on xmas day,i do miss my family but i get to see them other times,maybe you could do the same and the thought of this being the last xmas with the in-laws might make you enjoy it more