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Original poster

Furious with MIL

131 replies

3GirlsMum · 21/11/2003 20:47

Grr I am so angry with my MIL. She has to interfere or take over things. We live 250 miles away and this year we are at her house for xmas. She has something arranged for most days we are there (I have to see my own family at some time!!) and we have SS for the majority of the time we are down. I do not have a good relationship with my SS anymore, BM has poisoned his mind against me and she delights in telling me he hates me which he has admitted saying.

Problem is this...on christmas eve we have a girls night out, thats me and my 2 daughters..lol! We always go to the pictures and see a christmas movie and dad stays at home and looks after youngest. Not often I get chance to go out with just my two eldest and they love it. We invited MIL to come with us and she was really pleased.

Well tonight my hubby has spoken to his son and he son has told as that as well as other activities his grandma has told him he is doing he also looks forward to going to the pictures with us on Christmas Eve. I am furious. MIL didnt even consult me or ask if I mind..and I damn well do. At the end of the day his dads not going, hes not my child and things are very tense and fraught when hes around..I want to be able to enjoy xmas with my girls without all of this.

Problem now is what do I do??????

OP posts:

doormat · 22/11/2003 16:42

3Girlsmum I think the problem here is your control over the way "you" spend xmas has gone.
I would personally cancel all arrangements for spending time up there and go and do your visiting over a period of a few days. Book into a hotel or stay with another relative etc but dont be beholding to anyone especially when you can not organize nothing else without an interefering MIL being in the middle of everything.If MIL objects tell her to go and stuff herself.
The only reason I am saying this is because I have had these sorts of crimbos where my life has been taken over and they have been shite.
I get the impression she is putting on a "false show" of happy families.

There is all one point that none of you have mentioned and that is that SS lives near her but yet never sees him. Why is Xmas time different, why can she not take him out any other time to the cinema or go and visit him, I think this is also a part of 3girlsmums problem.

I have 2 SS that one I do get on with very well and the other like you hates my guts and to be perfecly honest I cant stand the sight of him (you can all jump on my back if you like but when you have had the sort of treatment I have had maybe you will all feel differently, he has made my life hell), but I would never leave either of them out.Like you I have tried everything.
If you decide to stay with MIL let him go the pics because TBH you can have a girly night anytime as he doesnt live near you.But I do understand how you feel.

But there is one thing I would do and make sure MIL never interferes again
and
point out that why doesnt she spend anytime with ss when you are not there in front of the relatives that live abroad.
That should make her "choke on her chicken".

janh · 22/11/2003 16:47

oh doormat, you have made me laugh!

"If MIL objects tell her to go and stuff herself."

"But there is one thing I would do and make sure MIL never interferes again and point out that why doesnt she spend anytime with ss when you are not there in front of the relatives that live abroad.
That should make her "choke on her chicken"."

It would certainly make a memorable Christmas. As Queenie said earlier, families, eh?

pupuce · 22/11/2003 16:54

I mean.... when you discovered what MIL had done... what did DH say and if he agreed with you why won't he say something to HIS mum.

Doormat - seems to be that's a bit more like creating a war... and her DH has to agree to this.... it can only create annymosity and the grand children will pay the price.

pupuce · 22/11/2003 16:55

3GN - also if he agrees with you HOW does he feel the situation shoudl be played now ? Does he feel you need to take your SS? Does he have any suggestion on how to resolve this?

Original poster

3GirlsMum · 22/11/2003 16:56

DH understood why I was upset and felt that his mother should have asked me before inviting his son. Particularly as this is an arrangement that I had made and had invited grandma to join in with. Like I also said, originally my SS had been due to go back earlier in the day so this changes plans that we had originally made anyway.

OP posts:

doormat · 22/11/2003 16:59

janh tell me about it, I totally agree with queenie.
In my case I have had to sit there and listen to the bullshit "olden days" and I could tell you word for word what is going to come out of their mouths.
I have also been left "with the girls" whilst all the men piss of down the pub and get sloshed, and there I have been sitting there listening to the ins and outs and dynamics of a knitting pattern.Mind numbing is not the word I can describe.I have to hold my head in my hands.
Dont get me wrong I love my MIL to bits but I have traditions of xmas too and getting pissed down the pub is one of them too, not just for the men.

janh · 22/11/2003 17:01

3GM, after reading through all the posts on here I have just read your original post again, and thinking about your SS saying voluntarily to your DH that he was looking forward to going to the pictures with you all makes me feel a bit sad now.

You haven't said if his BM has any other children - is he an only child at her house? (Am assuming that if she had a new partner/children she wouldn't waste so much time being spiteful towards you.) I bet whatever he might sometimes say, he really does enjoy spending time with your family...your MIL was very wrong to do this without consulting you, but I can't help feeling he will actually be disappointed if he misses out - after all he won't be there for Christmas Day, and if he is on his own with the BM it can't be too much fun.

Your MIL does need to be straightened out about making arrangements for you without consulting you - you could tell her that if she ever does it again you will not be spending Christmas with her again - but turning him down, now he's been told, would be hurtful to him.

Sorry. This probably doesn't help at all!

pupuce · 22/11/2003 17:02

Generally I do like the sentence.... "plans are made to be broken... " you are only torturing yourself by being angry at MIL and being inflexible about what you had seen as YOUR Christmas. This is your Christmas as much as anyone else's - isn't it?

I use to be this angry at quite a few things/people - spent a great deal of time resenting some people..... time has tought me that it does ME know good ! Never mind my kids seeing their mother angry and upset.... life is too short.

doormat · 22/11/2003 17:03

Sorry pupuce I do agree with you but I just dont believe in anyone controlling my life (my kids do but that is a different story)and I see 3girlsmum having to just put up and shut up for the sake of "happy families" with the MIL.

janh · 22/11/2003 17:05

Also, it just occurred to me, maybe she just mentioned it to him casually, that "we" were going to the pictures and he said something like "oh good, what are we going to see?". Which would leave her in a v difficult situation.

Original poster

3GirlsMum · 22/11/2003 17:58

Doormat you have obviously been in a similar situation as you have got it so right! I to cant understand why my MIL cant make her own arrangements with my SS other times and just waits until we are there. She hasnt had him to stay at her house since February!

Pupuce I guess what I am trying to get across here is that whilst my DH is working his time around his son I have plans of my own and I think it only fair that I should be able to carry those out without other people changing them for me. My DH has left the decision to me to make as these were my plans and not his and quite rightly so I think.

Jan dont worry. As I already said my SS will not be left out of this. He will be coming with us as I agree it would be unfair to leave him out now that he knows about it. As for a slip of the tongue, no, my MIL knew exactly what she was doing.

OP posts:

codswallop · 22/11/2003 18:01

I cant see what the fuss is about - just take him! Honestly - you can go again another time cant you?

You are the adult here you need to lead by example.

Original poster

3GirlsMum · 22/11/2003 18:02

I am taking him! Did you read my posts????

OP posts:

janh · 22/11/2003 18:51

Oops, sorry, 3GM, you did say that this morning, didn't you? Managed to overlook it.

The whole situation with her not seeing him the rest of the time, and making arrangements for your visits without consulting you, has got to be sorted out though or it will just go on happening. And the thing about him saying he hates you when he obviously doesn't really. Is your DH going to bite the bullet?

Original poster

3GirlsMum · 22/11/2003 19:03

Sorry Jan hope you didnt think that last remark was aimed at you it wasnt. I knows its easy to overlook things when its a long thread.

Both DH and I have spoken to my SS about him telling his mum he hates me (she threw this back in an argument when had when she had delight in telling me he detested me..and it was the first I had heard of it). He told me that he had said that to her because I had told him off for something! To be honest its not just what he says its his attitude towards me as well..but I do take into account that he is a child and involved in the middle.

We have said things to MIL before about not having my SS. She says she is busy..arent we all! TBH the reason she doesnt is because my SS has no respect for his grandfather and he refuses to have him stay round there now.

DH wont blatantly come out and say something to his mum as all that is happen is tears and her making him feel guilty for upsetting her. He will make sure she knows in no uncertain terms that he thinks she is interfering and that she should see more of my SS, although it will be so subtle it wont cause offense..lol!

OP posts:

Beetroot · 22/11/2003 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

3GirlsMum · 22/11/2003 19:06

Hes not going to the cinema because he wants to be with me, his sisters are going and he will want to do the same and get the same as they are..lol.

OP posts:

Jimjams · 22/11/2003 19:13

Adree with coddy. Forget it- it's not a big deal- you can have another night out with your dd's. If MILis a problem then have xmas at home next year. We stopped doing family visits at xmas- now we stay at home and tell everyone they are welcome but we're not going anywhere. SS is only 11- surely it's more important that he has a good xmas than you (sorry I tend to think xmas is for kids really).

Original poster

3GirlsMum · 22/11/2003 19:18

No sorry cant agree...they were my arrangements originally made by me to do something with my children and someone else has changed them. The problem is that its not on just one occasion that MIL has changed our plans but on several (where SS is involved I mean). To me it is a big deal because it was something I had arranged with my daughters a long time before we arranged to go down south to visit. They are also disappointed as they were happy with the arrangements as they were.

OP posts:

Jimjams · 22/11/2003 19:21

sorry I'm going to be harsh but really there are bigger things- it's only a trip to the cinema. If MIL is continually annoying like this then avoid her at xmas, or expect this sort of pain when seeing her, but think on this occasion it really isn't worth getting stressed about. It's only one evening.

codswallop · 22/11/2003 19:22

oh really. Just be alittle less rigid - he is 11!!

Original poster

3GirlsMum · 22/11/2003 19:24

Rigid...whats that supposed to mean. That I should allow my MIL to make all arrangements regarding my SS and I should just go along????

The whole point, as I have mentioned in previous postings isnt that its just the once..she does it more often. Im sorry but SS isnt MY no 1 priority my girls are just as Im sure your own kids are. Im not being rigid as you so nicely put it codswallop..if I was he wouldnt be coming with us would he.

OP posts:

codswallop · 22/11/2003 19:24

this is a prime example of othe problem tradition causes!

Original poster

3GirlsMum · 22/11/2003 19:28

Its certainly a prime example of how much trouble meddling relative can cause.

OP posts:

Jimjams · 22/11/2003 19:30

3GM- if he's coming then what's the point of getting in sich a stew about it? Now he's coming you have a choice- either go along and enjoy complete with MIL and SS, or wind yourself up into a complete state and have a horrible time. Hoenstly there are far more important things in life to get annoyed about. I'm sorry but some things you have to drop- relax and let everyone have a nice xmas. You need to alter your expectations.

I always thought that a xmas with a big build up and father xmas and carole services etc was really important- that whole xmas thing. Well to date I haven't been able to do any of those things with my son- he doesn't yet undersatnad who father xmas is, he doesn't really even understand about presents (although he's getting there and I think ds2 could get the idea ) I could get horribly depressed about this and sink into bitterness about it . And although everyone asking me if ds1 is looking forward to xmas drives me insane (and gets a snappy repy usually) I've just had to go with the flow. We still have a lovely xmas- it's just different than how I imagined it would be. One day we may get there, we may not, but I think sometimes you just have to go with the flow otherwise you end up miserable. And life's too short.

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