Furious with MIL

[3GirlsMum]

Grr I am so angry with my MIL. She has to interfere or take over things. We live 250 miles away and this year we are at her house for xmas. She has something arranged for most days we are there (I have to see my own family at some time!!) and we have SS for the majority of the time we are down. I do not have a good relationship with my SS anymore, BM has poisoned his mind against me and she delights in telling me he hates me which he has admitted saying.

Problem is this...on christmas eve we have a girls night out, thats me and my 2 daughters..lol! We always go to the pictures and see a christmas movie and dad stays at home and looks after youngest. Not often I get chance to go out with just my two eldest and they love it. We invited MIL to come with us and she was really pleased.

Well tonight my hubby has spoken to his son and he son has told as that as well as other activities his grandma has told him he is doing he also looks forward to going to the pictures with us on Christmas Eve. I am furious. MIL didnt even consult me or ask if I mind..and I damn well do. At the end of the day his dads not going, hes not my child and things are very tense and fraught when hes around..I want to be able to enjoy xmas with my girls without all of this.

Problem now is what do I do??????

Remember you have 3 happy healthy dd's and a happy (sometimes!) healthy ss. Enjoy them all. That's the important thing.

JimJams I think the problem I have really been trying to find the solution to is how to deal with this everytime MIL does it. I am not happy to say "how high" everytime she tells me to jump, she needs to understand that there will be occasions when I have made my own plans that dont include my SS. At the end of the day he wants to be with his dad not me and its not my responsibility to take my SS everywhere I take our girls.

Its easy enough to say just let it go but believe me when it happens a lot its not that easy to do. I have not made the decision that my SS can go because my MIL says he can..but because I would not now disappoint him by telling him he couldnt go.

I really dont think its too much to be able to arrange what I am doing rather than let someone else do that for me.

Spot on, Jimjams.

SS isn't your son, but he is your Dh's. You are visiting your MIL, and however much she may try to stir things up, it is her 'teritory' (to a degree) and i think you will have to put up with it. It is in your best interests to put as brave a face on it as you can, and enjoy the cinema trip with SS along. What can he do in the middle of a film that will be so bad? Why not have a girls only night sometime else, when he isn't around? He doesn't live with you, so there must be pleanty of chances.

He is a kid, and it is christmas, and whatever you think of him ,he is your dh's son and half brother to your kids. Why not try to get closer together? Christmas is as good a time as any.

We all have problems at Christmas, this isn't so big as others. Nex year make sure you have Christmas in your own home, then you get to call the shots.

eloquently put hmb

Well that's a different issue and something you have to sort out with your MIL (or maybe your dh- we had this problem with my MIL at the beginning of our marriage and we found that it was sorted bu him saying "i'll run that past dw" everytime she tried to organise us). In this particular case though I think you have to let it go. Be annoyed at your MIL by all means, but don't let it ruin your cinema night out- there's no point. I did get quite bitter one year that we couldn't have the xmas I had alwayts envisaged, and at the same time I got very bitter that we couldn't have family days out like eveyone else. But really that feeling is no good to anyone- you have to let it go. Now we do have family days out, and we do have nice xmases, they're just different from how I imagined they would be and different from most other peoples. BUT I do now enjoy them and I couldn't have done that if I was always thinking about how I wated them to be and how they should be. Sometimes you just have to let things go and realise that they really are not important in the big scheme of things. In your case if MIL is the problem then sort it out, but it doesn't have to ruin this xmas just because one plan has had to change.

Your ss may just want to spend time with his sisters as well- which is nice- if he doesn't have any other siblings they may be very important to him (I am an only child and because of that my cousins were very important to me and I used to love tagging along with them and being part of a bgger family group).

Believe me...given the choice I would be in my own home this year rather than put up with the hassle that goes with visiting relatives. Sorry but my life doesnt go on hold for my SS. Whatever arrangements my DH wants to make with him is up to him but as you pointed out he is not my son and therefore I am entitled to do things without him.

I do not feel guilty as I know I am a good SM towards him and I know I have tried my best to have a good relationship with him. The fact that out of the one night we are down south I want to share it with my girls does not mean I hate him.

Just out of interest...I wonder how many of you that have been critical are actually stepparents yourself and in a similar position??

I think hmb is spot on - if you go and stay at someones house at xmas, then you go along with what they organise. If you don't like it then have a good moan along with half the rest of England forced to compromise at xmas, and move on!

But I must say that I feel rather sorry for an 11 year old who must has it made so obvious to him that you don't consider him a son on even vaguely equal terms with his half sisters. Especially since you said that his half sisters are cross that he is coming to the cinema too - don't they consider him as just another sibling? Probably not if you treat him so differently. And his grandmother doesn't see him from one end of the year to the other. Poor little thing, he must feel rather unwanted, I feel like taking him to the cinema myself.

We may not have stepchildren (although some like aloha do) but we have been in situations where things are out of our control, or where we can't do what we want to. All I'm saying is that in the great scheme of life a trip to the cinema is not a big deal, so there's no point getting so wound up about it. In fact one thing I have learned from having a disabled child is that there is no point at all in getting wound up about things that are outside your control. If you can do something about MIL in the future then do, but at some level you have to accept your ss as part and parcel of future family plans. Therefore that is outside your control, and therefore not worth getting worked up about. I'm not criticising, I'm saying that I have been there - I have gone through the bitterness of it being "unfair" and not being able to have what I wanted (ie normal child/noraml days out/noraml family life) and at the end of the day that does no one any good- least of all me. Step outside and look at the big picture- a trip to the cinema is neither her nor there it just isn't remotely important. If you can let it go life becomes a lot easier and far more enjoyable.

Sorry if this question has already been asked, but why can't you have a big girls' night out on another night? Your MIL was wrong to ask your SS without asking you, but I agree that it would be unfair to univite him or her now.

Yes, you are entilited to do things without him. But if you do, or let him go with you with ill grace, don't be surprised if he continues to 'Hate you' (inverted commas, as I am sure that SS doen't hate you, as an adult would mean the word). Kids know very quickly when they are not wanted. He obviously wants to spend time with you and his half sisters. It is Xmas eve. Give the kid a break, and a smashing memory of how nice is step Mum is.

Have a girls night out on Boxing day, or the day after when he isn't with you. It is just a day for you, you are an adult. He is a kid caught in the middle.

You are right, I'm not a step mum, but then, as you said yourself you knew that you would be one when you married your dh. Live with it, and have a good time. You can bet your bottom dollar that the kids will.

Oh please....gosh shoot me now because I wanted to have one evening with my children!!!! My SS has no idea that he was not originally invited and he is invited to everything else that we have planned including panto and visits to family. PPH I do not treat him so differently and with regard to his grandmother, well I cant force her to see him!

then relax and enjoy yourself and don't get so wound up about it!

Nobody is saying that you can't have a night with your kids. But he doesn't live with you, so why is this one night so special? Every weekend you get the chance to go to the cinema with them.

The fact that In-laws and extended families can cock up your Christmas is such a universal truth that it is the source of endless comiday shows and sketches. IT HAPPENS TO US ALL!

Two years ago I had a crap christmas, because my Husband was in Afhanistan. I wanted to sit down and sob all day, but I'm the grown up. So I sucked in my considerable gut, and made sure that my kids had the best Xmas that they could. I had no family to go to, MIL had gone skiing, My father is dead, and my mother is in a mental hospital. S* happens. Live with it. And PLEASE have a good time???

and it does sound a great excuse never ever to stay with mil again - after all if you have to go along with her rules when you're staying there (like yippee - you get to stay at someone's house for free aren't you the lucky one? sorry - that's my bitterness at being in 'stuck at mil house' situations boiling over there!)and it makes you unhappy, then why bother?
I thought doormat was spot on way back down the thread - just stay in a hotel or bnb in future and give the stress a miss - or stay at home and let dh do the visiting

Im not would up about it..honest..and sorry if that is how its coming across...have resigned myself to it..just frustrated that some people think they have the right to judge my relationship with my stepson (based on this one incident) when they have no idea about what goes on. I will have a good time when I go and I would never show my SS that I was angry or upset but that doesnt stop me being frustrated with my MIL!

oh its so shit when dh's are away hmb My dad was away sometimes when I was a kid (services as well) happening to my friend this year- one auti 6 year old (who will bring a new meaning to the word hyper I susepct) and one 2 year old. I'm trying to persuade her to come to us for at least some of the day.

one night with your girls? when u got together with your dh u knew (i presem ) he already had a son. this kid is only 11!! surely u have nights out with your girls at other times.

It is not that we are judjing your relationship on this one issue, but at the start of your thread you did say

'MIL didnt even consult me or ask if I mind..and I damn well do. At the end of the day his dads not going, hes not my child and things are very tense and fraught when hes around..I want to be able to enjoy xmas with my girls without all of this. '

Enjoy it 'with my girls'. Not with ss and your girls.

'Hes not my child'. Obviously, but you do seem to make this point quite forcefuly, and then say that things are tense around him. Kids are good at picking up vibes. Much better than Mumsnetters

That is what we did in the end JJ. I went to a friend's house, and we all had a good day, even if I did feel fairly awful by the time the kids went to bed. Poor dh was stuck in a tent! At least we have this year together.

just dont visit the MIL next xmas. waaaay too much hassle. this xmas i have my little sister and her baby coming to visit as her dh is working xmas day, and the girl from upstairs who is no longer with her partner. so its gonna be a wikked xmas with no MIL. hehe

3GM - it would be very interesting if you re-read this thread after Christmas! You're are really making your SS sound like a bit of an outcast (certainly not a full member of your family), your DH as a puppet (for god sake he should say : 3GM this is what I'll do with my son and that's that!) and a bit of a me, me, me...... what about me,
I am sure this isn't like that but this is how this whole discussion sounds!

Next time your MIL organises something just say no, sorry we have something else booked ! and that's that.... learn from the situation and be prepared for the next time to avoid it.

Perhaps the reason that I treasure my evenings out with my two girls is because we dont get to do it often. My DH works very long hours and my youngest is too young to go most places.

HMB the reason I was mad is because this is an arrangement that my girls invited their grandma along to and she then in turn invited someone else. Fair enough I know that someone is my SS but the point is that out of courtesy she could have spoken to me about it first. I guess most people just do what their MIL's tell them..lol.

hmb-I think she doesn't want to be in the way- but she wouldn't be- so I will work on her! A xmas with 2 autistic kids would be fairly hilarious anyway - bound to be some stories come out of that

My best xmas was actually one in Japan. Missed the family- but had a load of people round and we watched bridge over the river kwai (yep they did stock it in Japan!) and The great escape. Classic. Drank far too much as well. Obviously that was in pre-children days. Xmas day is my birthday and on boxing day my boss hosted a big drunken party- we ate and drank for about 8 hours. It was a fantastic xmas. But I wasn't in a tent in afghanistan (yuck!)