Furious with MIL

[3GirlsMum]

Grr I am so angry with my MIL. She has to interfere or take over things. We live 250 miles away and this year we are at her house for xmas. She has something arranged for most days we are there (I have to see my own family at some time!!) and we have SS for the majority of the time we are down. I do not have a good relationship with my SS anymore, BM has poisoned his mind against me and she delights in telling me he hates me which he has admitted saying.

Problem is this...on christmas eve we have a girls night out, thats me and my 2 daughters..lol! We always go to the pictures and see a christmas movie and dad stays at home and looks after youngest. Not often I get chance to go out with just my two eldest and they love it. We invited MIL to come with us and she was really pleased.

Well tonight my hubby has spoken to his son and he son has told as that as well as other activities his grandma has told him he is doing he also looks forward to going to the pictures with us on Christmas Eve. I am furious. MIL didnt even consult me or ask if I mind..and I damn well do. At the end of the day his dads not going, hes not my child and things are very tense and fraught when hes around..I want to be able to enjoy xmas with my girls without all of this.

Problem now is what do I do??????

I thought about you overnight and as Whymummy has said couldn't mil take youngest dd for the evening and your dh go the the pictures for a boys night and yourself and your older girls have your girls night. Would mil be unhappy with this? By the time ss is 14 he will probably be off with his mates and find it uncool to be with the oldies so perhaps your dh would like some time with him alone before this happens. My friend's ss is now 14 and they never see him which is quite sad I think.

Why should your girls get time on their own with their grandparents - they are his grandparents too? I would think she is trying very hard to make your SSfeel as included as his half sisters in teh festive arrangemetns and why shouldn't he be. His relations with them and your DH are as valid as your girls. I can understand how you feel about this but I do think its part and parcel of being in a relationship with someone who already has children.

I really don't think that the situation is the fault of your SS or your MIL - it is just one of those things. As such everyone has to make compromises to get a christmas as enjoyable as possible for all the children - not just your girls.

Queenie it had crossed my mind but my DD doesnt know her grandparents, she has only seen my MIL three times in her two years so I dont think it fair to leave her.

JMG why shouldnt my children get chance to see their grandparents on their own. My SS has the opportunity whenever he likes!

As for whose fault, sorry I disagree this is my MIL's fault. My DH and I had arrangements for the Saturday which now have to be rearranged. My MIL would be furious if we made arrangements for her without consulting her first. And as for compromise...the only one doing that is me!! My MIL is doing what she is out of guilt because she can never be bothered normally to have SS, not out of thought for him.

I'm sorry, but I htink that insisting that your dds get a chance to see their GPs on their own is helping to make devisions between them and your SS. He is just as much the GPs grand child as your dds. You seem to want to 'divide' them up, and as a proto-adolecent he is going to see it, and I think it will hurt him to feel excluded in that way. He is your dh's child and brother to your girls. I don't think you can expect him to not be there, at christmas with his family. If you want your dds to spend time with their gps can't they do that after yur ss has gone back to his mother, or on another occasion.

It must be very tough dealing with a child who tell you that he hates you. But making more distinctions between him and your dds is not, IMHO, going to help him get over this.

I may be wrong - but let me try. I think your MIL sees your daughters and your SS as all ebing part of the same part of her family - i.e. as her sons children. The fact that they have 2 different mothers probably does not factor in it for her - she sees them as all being her sons. As such I think she is trying to create her sons family christmas rather than yours IYSWIM.

I'm not saying that she isn't being a bit naive in thinking it can all be happy families but I bet that is what she is trying to achieve.

What I was also trying to say is that it is difficult for stepfamilies at christmas time. And yes is that circumstance it is going to be you who does all the compromising. Your MIL and DH are happy because they have got all of their family with them and are probably having the kind of christmas they are used to having. The rest of them are children and are probably happy enough with the arrangements. So that leaves you...

I'm not sure how different it is from visiting any PIL for christmas. You inevitably lose control over the arrangements - most of us will have felt like that before. What seems to be jarring with you is the things that relate to your SS - but its not his fault - he probably wants to spend as much time as possible with his dad and grandparents and with his step sisters. It also sounds as if he is happy to spend time with you - and agree with the others on this thread that you should look at that as a really positive endorsement of you. I have two friends with stepchilren who would love for thier stepchildren to want to spend time with them.

There really isn't any perfect answer to all of this but I think you should think very hard before forcing your SS out of the arrangements he thinks he is joining in. That would be a very cruel thing to do at this time of year. I even think that not inviting him in the first place would have been cruel - new christmas traditions can be fun too!

I thought you would arrive a few days before christmas and youngest dd could then settle in with mil. Have I got confused? I know when my dd was 14 mths I was very reluctant to let mil babysit as they never saw each other (once or twice that year) but after a few days of staying with mil I relented and we went out for the evening and everything was fine. I did worry of course I did but mil was really pleased to have done it and I had to ask myself was i reluctant because I don't like mil or did I have valid reasons. A think it was a bit of both maybe.

We told stepson that we would be down to collect him on the Sunday. We hadnt even fully decided what day we would be travelling and he has never been told that he couldnt come because we wanted the girls to see their grandparents alone. Im sorry hmb i dont feel you have read my posts properly I have NEVER said he should be excluded at xmas time and TBH he wouldnt know what our movements were if MIL hadnt saw fit to fill him in on all of it!

How would he not know what your movements would be if you were going out on christmas eve without him. I think thats pretty exclusive!

Perhaps Im coming across wrong here...obviously very hard to write how you feel and get people to interpret it the same. I am not saying my SS cant come across and for the majority of the holiday he is with us. My DH is seeing his son, my DD's are seeing their stepbrother..however, I do not think it unreasonable that I want some time alone with my daughters. If my DH wants to arrange an activity alone with his son anytime that would be deemed as ok so why cant I do it with my daughters????

My DH and I are both agree that our youngest DD shouldnt be left without one of us there. She is two now, doesnt really know her grandparents, and I now she would fret if one of us werent around with her. Added to which she is a little minx and into everything and my DH's mother is in her 60's and I think it would be too much for her.

Whilst it may seem my MIL wants happy families knowing her as I do I know she has an alterior motive. The only time she wants to play happy families is when her family are around (her sister is across from New Zealand) and she wants to show us off (her sister only has one child and no grandchildren). I dont want it to sound as though I hate my MIL I really dont, however, in the 11 years I have known her she consistently tried to "take over" arrangements despite our previous conversations where I have made it clear its not fair.

This maybe isnt one issue but several rolled in together. I will not see my SS hurt or upset, I would like him included and for that reason I will let him come to the pictures in what should of been "my" time with my daughters. My MIL has arranged something for virtually every day involving us leaving us with very little time to see my family, or my DH's father, which again is deliberate.

Maybe unless you are in the situation yourself its hard to truly understand how frustrating and upsetting it is for things to be arranged around you. My SS may have been there before me, and believe me I do take that into account, but that does not make him No 1 priority and compromise has to be made all around. At the moment I am the only one doing that it seems.

jmg, only the women were going. His father wasn't leaving him home alone.

JMG he was originally going home on the christmas eve afternoon anyway so would have had no idea of what we were doing in the evening.

No, I realise that you wouldn't want to exclude him at Christmas time. But for whatever reasons he is going to be there at the same time as you, dh and dds. You seem to be cross because this means that your dds will not have time with their gps alone. Well, as others have said, better than me, your MIL probably just thinks of all of the children as her grand children. Why do you need them to spend x-mas eve with only your dds? Will they not have time together after your ss has gone?

It is a tough time for you, and I realise that this must be hard, but it would be such a slap in the face for your ss to be excluded from your christmas plans if you are all in the same place, at the same time. You are the adult in this situation, and that means that you have to do the tough thing and make the compromise.

By saying that 'At the end of the day his dads not going, hes not my child and things are very tense and fraught when hes around.', you make it clear that you don't see him as your child. No-ne would expect you to have the exact same realtionship with him as yu do with your dds. I realise that this must make things difficult for you, and I am sure that he can make life hard for you. But in the end, the more that you do to make a difference between him and your dds, the worse your relationship is going to become.

Kids at that age are amazingly good at feeling hard done by and left out, even when they haven't been. Leaving him out, or being resentful at his presence on xmas eve is only going to make things worse.

OK - I see now - your first post made it sound like he was around all christmas and would therefore be being 'left behind'. I realise that he wasn't being left behind but what teenager would prefer to spend the evening at home with Dad and a baby, when the cinema is on offer!

The MIL situation is frustrating I know. I think what I was trying to say is that I don't agree with the earlier replies which said SS should be uninvited - I don't think that is fair. However, I can see if he was never meant to be around on christmas eve that he should never have been invited in the first place.

Next time make sure you don't invite your MIL. Also even if she has arranged things for every day - you don't have to go

Whatever you decide - I really do hope you have a nice christmas!!

Sorry, we cross posted!

I know that I am not in your situation. So I cannot understand how things are with you and SS.

You posted 'Maybe unless you are in the situation yourself its hard to truly understand how frustrating and upsetting it is for things to be arranged around you'. I think that we probably all know a bit about that!! My mother used to do it to me! I think that a big bit of Christmas is being manipulated by In laws and 'natural' family

Sorry - that should have said 'I realise he wasn't being left behind on his own but...@

Thanks for your input on this...I do take account of everything that has been said. I was really upset when I first found out what was happening and my first thought was "hes not coming". However, I do realise this isnt his fault and I have said to my DH that under no circumstances should he be uninvited now. He knows its happening and that would certainly make him feel excluded which I certainly dont want to do.

I think because I live up near my mum, who doesnt interfere in my life, that I forget how manipulative some relatives can be!!!

Hope that you all have a great Christmas!

Thank you, you to.

3GM - if it is your MIL with whom you are truly upset with - what does your DH think of it ? Does he agree with you ? Why can't he speak to her - not about rthe cinema but about letting you guys plan SOME of the activities/days when you are there.
Like the others, I can't help but read many of your comments as a bit harsh on your relationship with your SS

He IS a child and it is not his fault the situation is such ! Your DH should find a solution to the situation if he agrees that it is an issue.

Christmas is a family time.... sharing is important and he is also entitled to have a good time and feel loved.

Yes my DH does agree with me. Sorry but I cant see my comments about my SS are harsh. I havent really elaborated on my relationship with him so I can understand you are basing on what you have read but the problems go deeper.

My DH just says to me "you know what shes like" when I tell him I an unhappy with what MIL has done!

"My DH just says to me "you know what shes like" when I tell him I an unhappy with what MIL has done! "
And you leave it at that?????

3GM, are your older daughters your DH's daughters too (ie MIL's grandchildren)? Only you've referred to SS as their stepbrother, and to "my daughters" rather than "our daughters", so I was wondering. (Just curious.)

No Pupuce belive me I dont leave it at that. hence my DH's phone call to his mother today to find out what is going on! My DH is all for the easy life, is pretty laid back and of course to him doesnt make any difference as to what is happening. However, he does know what was planned all along for the christmas eve and is angry that his mother has interfered. However, she has been under a lot of strain at the moment (wish I could put it down to that but I cant!) so we are being a little careful how we go about things at the moment.

Jan yes they are my DH's daughters as well and I referred to them as mine to try and make it easier to understand, sorry if I confused.

I am confused.... what does your DH think of his DS going to the cinema with you ?

Pupuce - Do you mean prior to it being arranged when it was supposed to be just me and our daughters or now it has been arranged and SS is going as well?