Furious with MIL

[3GirlsMum]

Grr I am so angry with my MIL. She has to interfere or take over things. We live 250 miles away and this year we are at her house for xmas. She has something arranged for most days we are there (I have to see my own family at some time!!) and we have SS for the majority of the time we are down. I do not have a good relationship with my SS anymore, BM has poisoned his mind against me and she delights in telling me he hates me which he has admitted saying.

Problem is this...on christmas eve we have a girls night out, thats me and my 2 daughters..lol! We always go to the pictures and see a christmas movie and dad stays at home and looks after youngest. Not often I get chance to go out with just my two eldest and they love it. We invited MIL to come with us and she was really pleased.

Well tonight my hubby has spoken to his son and he son has told as that as well as other activities his grandma has told him he is doing he also looks forward to going to the pictures with us on Christmas Eve. I am furious. MIL didnt even consult me or ask if I mind..and I damn well do. At the end of the day his dads not going, hes not my child and things are very tense and fraught when hes around..I want to be able to enjoy xmas with my girls without all of this.

Problem now is what do I do??????

How have I made him sound like an outcast, because I originally didnt invite him to one thing our whole stay?! If I make him sound like an outcast its certainly not my intention and he isnt. I always think that when we are together we get on extremely well and I make a real effort to make sure that everyone is treated the same during the time that we do have him. Its only afterwards I find out that he has gone home and made up a whole host of stories. However, we still have him and I still keep trying.

Well, if I'm in her house, yes I do. And when I was in my mothers house, I did then, as well. And when I spent xmas with my mate, I fitted in with what they did, because it was her house, she invited me, and I accepted.

When people stay in my house I sort of expect them to fall in with my plans. Not that I'm regimented, or anything

Her house, her shout, I think. Take the kids to a midday Saterday showing. Take them after christmas. It isn't a big deal, unless you chose to make it one. Unless the kid is Dameon incarnate and will savage your kids with a bag of popcorn and a hotdog, why does it matter? It sounds a bit as if you just don't want him around. If dh works long hours, so what, I didn't think he was going to the girls night out anyway? Take the kids during the day.

Jimjams, ROTFL at 'Bridge' in Japan! Xmas with 2 Autis would be sureal! And great fun! She'll love it. Tell her from me

maybe that's what it's all about then hmb - mil feels she has the right to organise everything and make 3girlsmum do everything she wants her to do because after all she's staying in her house and 3girlsmum has different ideas about who is doing who the favour - be honest - is Xmas staying with your mil really her doing 3girlsmum a favour or more 3girlsmum doing her the favour? I get the impression 3girlsmum would rather be with her own family for Xmas.

Its been pointed out to me by a friend of mine that it does sound on here as though I dont like SS. Honestly thats really not the case and Im sorry its coming across like that. Its frustration at my MIL and I would never take it out on my SS. Everyone I know says how good I am with him and how well we seem to get on and they were as suprised as me to find out what he had been saying to his mum. I do appreciate its hard for him and his age etc etc.

We have had a lot of problems with SS and BM and I admit at times its hard but I have never isolated him, excluded him or anything. I simply felt that on this occasion my MIL should have mentioned to me first before inviting him.

Wouldn't we all ?

But the stage is set now, so I thing everyone just has to make the best of it. And next year, make sure things are different.

That was to Morocco, BTW

Surely there is a difference between falling in with plans (which we are doing) and having every day arranged for you??

Morocco I do enjoy seeing my DH's family I just dont enjoy being dictated to.

gotta go girls - great discussion though!
sorry 3girlsmum - didn't mean to imply you didn't like your dh's family - I'm probably projecting a bit too much here from my own rather fraught relationship with in-laws
anyhow, what film are you going to see?

Just out of interest, why were the plans changed for him to stay until the end of Xmas eve?

Did MIL drop you in it, because she was dropped in it? What I mean is, did she have no say in when ss was going to leave, and realising that he would be snubbed if he didn't go to the cinema with you, ask him along?

There is obviously a difference between falling in with plans and being dicated to, but then, I'm a nice person, and not your MIL

But in the end, it is just a 2 hour stint in the cinema. It isn't going to ruin your xmas, so why care?

3GM- says her issue is not this specific situation but her MIL's overall behaviour..... I think !

Going to see Elf...cant wait..hope its good after all this..lol!!!

HMB it had always been arranged that SS would go back on the morning of the 24th. My MIL changed the plans unknown to us. The arrangements were being sorted out between my DH and his ex and were nothing to do with MIL so dont really understand why she got involved.

3GM I feel for you, & it's a shame you've taken so much flack over this.

As an aside, my niece tells her mother that she hates her father's new wife because that's what her mother wants to hear. In fact she actually gets on very well with her. BUT she's keeping the peace. Her mum is happy because she doesn't feel that SM is trying to take her away, niece is happy because she gets to see all of them, & SM is happy because they do actually like each other!

S-children on visits often feel excluded, 3GirlsMums, no matter how hard everyone tries. It can be because they know there are things going on without them for the majority of the year, and their father is making a family with someone else. That's all it takes, it's no reflection on you. That could be why he sometimes acts up, and I think if you or I were that age, in that situation, we would too.
Is there any way that you can get a babysitter the week before and have another girls night out with your daughters, seeing a different film?
If you feel that you've already 'done it', then the one on Christmas Eve might seem like an additional extra and you'll have grabbed some time for yourself too.

I have just read this whole thread, and although I can totally understand your resentment toward MIL, I can't help but feel a strong resentment that you have toward your ss.
There are thousands of step fathers and mothers in this country who actually live with their step children along with their birth children.

I myself was brought up by my mother and step father from the age of 4yrs. Reading this thread makes me realise just how special my SF is.
I NEVER felt any different than my 2 younger brothers, SF loves us equally.
I would have been devestated if I had felt he would have prefered to spend time with my brothers other than me. IF he had considered me to be somehow less important to him that would have been v hard for me. And to be honest how many of us if we remarried would expect anything less.
What if god forbid your ss mother passes away or was unable to look after him . Would you be happy about him living with you?
I suspect he would feel like a second class citizen in your house as children are v good at picking up our feelings and yours are v negative toward him.
BTW, as I teenager I gave my SF hell, told him I hated him several times, but I always knew he loved me.

Message withdrawn

Charlize - it is harder to form a really close relationship if your stepchild doesn't live with you - sadly. I am lucky in that my stepdaughter and I have a really good relationship (so far!!) but it took work to establish it and it's hard because so much intimacy in a family is due to the day to day mundane stuff that happens and that you miss out on if the child lives elsewhere most of the time.
I can also see that having your plans changed by a third party is annoying. I think 3GirlsMum is now reconciled to taking her stepson to the cinema. I just hope everyone can get into the Christmas spirit and enjoy themselves as a family.
My son worships his big sister, and I am so glad he has her in his life. I also hope that 3GirlsMum can now see that her stepson is the victim in all this - and that his mother is being abusive (IMO) when she encourages him to say bad things about his stepmum and then repeating those things to 3GirlsMUm behind her son's back. I think that's just shocking. That poor boy. He should be allowed his privacy by his mother. I hope this Christmas 3GirlsMum can rebuild her previously warm relationship with her stepson.

Aloha thank you for your post. You are right it does make a big difference if your stepchild doesnt live with you. And as for him effectively being my child Twinkie, Im sorry but thats wrong. I am not resentful towards him, as I explained its my MIL's interference that I was resentful towards.

Charlize I have stepparents as well and this helps me in my role as a stepmother. I would not expect to be included in everything that my stepsiblings are and have never expected to.

Just as my DH does things individually with his son I wanted to do something individually with our daughters and TBH cant see the harm in that. As I said before its difficult to convey how you feel over the internet but I have no guilt over the way I behave towards my SS because I know and those around me know how hard I work for us to have a good relationship. And yes unfortunately you do have to work to do that with your stepchildren, particularly when you have a very bitter BM in the background.

For those that said he is saying what his mother wants to hear, I agree, and I know he is in a dificult position and do take that into account and thanks for your posts on this. x

3Girlsmum I totally agree with the bitter, angry resentful mother in the background, it is so hard to be a stepmother in those circumstances. You try your best just to get rebuffed most of the time.
4 of my children have a stepmum and they all have a brilliant relationship with her because I think it is due to her and I get on really well together.My ex and her have a child together and when they split up she has leant on me for support for her and her ds.She has even asked me whether if anything happened to her would I take on her ds (my ex h child) and i have said yes of course.

Doormat - Ive always said that SS would be welcomed in our home if anything happened to his mum, no question about it. Must admit that I thought things would get easier over the years but they have steadily got worse and I guess I mistakenly forget that a childs loyalty to their mother makes them act in a certain way, and that a lot of the time you have to take it with a pinch of salt, but its hard.

I have tried very hard to get on with my SS's BM which we did for quite some while until I wouldnt take sides with her over my DH! Added to which she is very bitter because 11 years down the line she views me as someone that stops her getting back with DH! Perhaps you need to give me some pointers on how to make it work..lol!

I think the only person who could give pointers (positive ones) would be aloha.(apologies to anyone else who is a stepparent and it works)
As I have mentioned I have a brill relationship with one ss and a bad one with the other.
I think it is all down to personality. It does not help having a shitty relationship with the mother but she is like that with both ss so why dont they both hate me.
What annoys me about this is the fact that you immediately accept the fact that your partner has children to his ex. You try and do your best, offer them a ss/friend relationship opposed to being a "stepmum" figure. You constantly build on this relationship and sometimes (in my case) offer ss more time than my own children.For what???
I have heard all the "well when they are older they will realise how good you were etc" but it does not help now does it. And yes 3Girlsmum it does hurt alot.Ok I dont want my ss to love me or treat me like I am his mum, just to treat me with a bit of respect that I give him and to treat me as his friend not an enemy.

BTW to all who say "he is just 11 and a child" some children can be very very manipulative at that age. I am not implying this is the case of 3Girlsmum but it was in my case.

Oh yes I second the manipulative bit but then its not just me that thinks that so does DH and my MIL (something we agree on..lol). But then I guess a lot of kids of that age can be manipulative, the difference is that when a stepchild knows two adults dont get along they can play on it even more.

Very true, my dh and his family have basically wiped their hands of his ds as he has been so manipulative since he was 7 yrs old. Not just to me and my other children but to the whole family. He has caused us all nothing but trouble.
He has been used as a carrot dangler also when dh wont dance to the ex's tune.

3GM I hope I didn't come across too harsh in my earlier post. It seems to me that given the circumstances you are doing a v good job with your ss. Like Aloha said, it is different I suppose when you do not live with your step child and I shouldn't compare it to my situation with my step father. Beleive me I totally sympathise on the MIL from hell bit. MY MIL is a total witch and I couldn't bare the thought of having to spend christmas with her.
Is it possible for you to spend next christmas at home or perhaps with your own parents?
BTW Going to see elf soon myself with my 2 boys.

No Charlize its ok I probably didnt help myself with what I did write. Obviously people are bound to base it on what I have written, and its my fault I havent given the full story for everyone to base those opinions on so at the end of the day I have to take the criticism, even if I dont agree with it.

Cant wait to see Elf it has a really good write up so far. Must remember not to eat too much tea that night as Nachos are a must when I go!