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Original poster

need some advice on bf's female 'friend'

113 replies

upyourbum72 · 04/03/2012 23:14

So bf been friends with this woman for 4 years now. I've only known him 6 months, he had been single for quite a while before he met me, this friend is single and it sounds to me while he was single they were quite good company for each other, so much so he went to her parents one xmas, he helped her out with things around the house, she baked him cakes, pies etc bought him presents etc. Now at one time near the beginning of the friendship I think she hoped things would go further than a friendship, he however never felt like that towards her and told her so. We have a mutual friend too that was telling me about this conversation a few years ago and how he valued her friendship but could NEVER go down that road with her, and I believe him, he's been nothing but honest. (plus I've seen a picture lol) But I'm not so sure about her.....

For example at the weekend it was bf Birthday, she went into his house on his actual Birthday (his lodger let her in) and left lots of balloons and made up a basket with loads of chocolate and a teddy bear oh and made him a birthday cake which kind of out did my bought one lol! I tried not to feel jealous but really I did a bit, a simular thing happened xmas.

Today however I did get a bit upset as she wanted to come around to see him but made it clear she didn't want to come while I was there, so I ended up going home while she visited then came back later. I told bf I wasn't doing that again though she had to accept me as his gf and if I was there tough! He realised I was right and said yes its silly I will have it out with her today and sort it. He's trying to get us to meet so we know each other, but she doesn't want to as doesn't know what I have got to do with her, he explained as his friend he would like her to meet me as I am a big part of his life. She said she would if it meant alot to him but doesn't understand why she should. That tbh has made me feel awkward now, and I just don't know how to handle this, our relationship is good apart from this little annoyance. I would of been fine with him having a female friend, but I think there's something a bit dodgy here, would you just igore it as obviously I can't really preach who he can and can't be friends with :-/ HELP!!!!!!

OP posts:
LadyNada · 04/03/2012 23:17

Is she in love with him?

Original poster
upyourbum72 · 04/03/2012 23:21

I don't think in love, but definately has a thing for him....maybe even a bit obsessed I'm not sure, what do u think??? x

OP posts:
LadyNada · 04/03/2012 23:22

she is stalking him

Original poster
upyourbum72 · 04/03/2012 23:24

hmm well not sure about stalking as she doesn't see him that often, but I hae put her nose out of joint a bit,as he doesn't see as much anymore etc.

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 04/03/2012 23:34

She doesn't see why she should have to meet you???

Lady has it bad for your fella and he needs to set some boundaries pronto. He needs to reduce their 'couple time' and make it very clear that you are the girlfriend, not her.

I wonder when people in general will realise that 90% of the time 'friendship' between people of opposite sex is based on one person fancying the other and the other one loving the attention. It is such a dishonest, fraudulent, teenage concept.

LadyNada · 04/03/2012 23:40

Eirikur if that's true I'm a lot better looking than I thought. And a fair deal more attention seeking.

Original poster
upyourbum72 · 04/03/2012 23:49

no I do honestly believe you can just be friends, I have male friends but I don't speak to them very often or see them often, but I certainly don't send them balloons or make them cakes even forget their birthday sometimes, PLUS I wouldn't do that if I knew they have a girlfriend .I'm also always very keen to meet to my girl friends and male friends new partner if they are special to them because I would be very happy for them. So this speaks volumes to me, but he doesn't see it at all, thinks its ok and I should accept it as he's not interested in her in that way! I am stuggling to know how to handle it even though I know he would not go off with her.

OP posts:
LadyNada · 04/03/2012 23:51

I think he knows and enjoys the attention.

How would he feel if you had a male friend who made you cakes and left you presents, and didn't want to meet him?

NatashaBee · 04/03/2012 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 04/03/2012 23:56

"We have a mutual friend too that was telling me about this conversation a few years ago and how he valued her friendship but could NEVER go down that road with her, and I believe him, he's been nothing but honest. (plus I've seen a picture lol) "

that was a bit nasty.. :(

ravenAK · 04/03/2012 23:56

Heh, what twaddle Eirikur.

I have several friendships of many years' standing with men. Dh has loads of female friends. Not unusual amongst those of us who can quite readily distinguish between 'person I like & enjoy socialising with' & 'person I am secretly romantically obsessed with'.

That said, I think the OP's bf's friend has definitely got him filed in the second category, rather than the first.

I think I'd tell the bf that he was welcome to arrange to see his friend, but would he be OK if I had a close friend who went out of his/her way to avoid meeting him? It's rude, apart from anything else.

Original poster
upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 00:00

hmmm thanks Natasha, they won't do group things though as they only ever see each other if he visits her at her house or she visits him, usually their daughter is with her though. I think I can cope with that, its the presents and cards I can't even though there's never anything really obvious in your face to say she fancies him. I just find men don't see wot is so obvious sometimes. I do think what someone said about boundries is a good idea though, as he still thinks he can do the things he did with her when he was single because he doesn't fancy her !!!! I think I need to say what I wouldn't be happy with and not let him guess even though I think he should know really.....tut!!!

I would feel very awkward meeting her now tbh!!

OP posts:
Original poster
upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 00:05

thank u raven thats basically wot I think it is a bit rude, but sometimes you question yourself don't you?!

OP posts:
LadyNada · 05/03/2012 00:05

their daughter?

the things he did with her when he was single?

solidgoldbrass · 05/03/2012 00:06

Sorry, 'their' daughter? Is she his XW?

Original poster
upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 00:08

No 'her' daughter from a previous relationship!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 00:08

sorry typo mistake oops!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 00:11

I just mean before he met me when he was single, he didn't have to consider my feelings, he could visit her when he wanted had more free time at the weekends. spent xmas with her family that sort of thing.....nothing sexual lol

OP posts:
Tryharder · 05/03/2012 00:37

I sort of agree with Eirikur. A lot of people have casual friends of the opposite sex but that sort of intense "best friend" type friendship as described in the OP is clearly based on this woman being in love with your BF and him lapping up the attention.

He asked you to go home so she could visit him??? What the fuck? IF your BF had a good male friend there would be no issue at all surrounding your meeting him, no?

I wonder what is going through this women's mind and what exactly she has been told. And yes, you saw a picture and you are confident that you are better looking but believe me, looks don't always count for everything.

EirikurNoromaour · 05/03/2012 06:57

no I do honestly believe you can just be friends, I have male friends but I don't speak to them very often or see them often, but I certainly don't send them balloons or make them cakes even forget their birthday sometimes, PLUS I wouldn't do that if I knew they have a girlfriendS

^this!

Of course men and women can be just friends. I'm not suggesting all mixed sex friendships are unhealthy or based on attraction however the sort of 'friendship' the OP is talking about certainly is. I was exaggerating when i said 90% (cocktails :)) and because the issue has been present in my life recently. But there is often a huge element of attraction in so-called platonic friendships and it can threaten the relationship which gets excluded and marginalised. Remember 'friendship' is how most affairs start.

I'm honestly not talking about genuine m/f friends, of course it is possible. But friendship as a second best to girlfriendhood is a common pitfall that a lot of (mostly women?) people fall into. And it is teenage and dishonest.

Flubba · 05/03/2012 07:14

Yes squeaky I thought that too :(

That aside, it's not your problem with her, it's his problem with her and he needs to lay down the law (if he wants to, that is)

Original poster
upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 07:49

The other thing is last night I said, if she doesn't want to meet me its probably better not to for now and to just leave it for now. He said yes probably but if it does have happen, we should not be all lovey dovey in front of her , not kiss or hold hands, 'if she's feeling like that'.........wot.....why have I got to be like that???? not that we're really like that anyway in front of people in public, so we probably wouldn't but thats just annoyed me to be honest!!!! Why have I got to consider her feelings.

OP posts:
NotMostPeople · 05/03/2012 07:59

My DH had a friend like this when we first met, she'd been there for him during the break up of his first marriage so he was fond of her but absolutely didn't fancy her. She had to meet me but would say things like 'you need to go to bed NotMost so your DH and I can have some time together'. Dh is a good man so felt torn but ultimately he was so in love with me and she was a visitor so it sort of didn't occur to him that I might not like it.

I think you should meet her and not behave any differently than you usually would and try hard not to feel threatened by her because she'll pick up on it and it'll make her think that you have reason to be threatened. In the meantime your DP needs to be sure to establish that your his girlfriend and laugh off anything she does that's anti you.

DH's friend ended up pushing herself put of DH's life because she was continually off with me even after we'd got married and had two dc's so that he just didn't enjoy being I her company.

Original poster
upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 08:03

I'm feeling even less confident after some of your replies too. I have been confident that he doesn't fancy want her in that way, but like someone said quite often its how things like this happen,and no its not all about looks either I realise that :-(

OP posts:
StillSquiffy · 05/03/2012 08:05

You DO have to consider her feelings.

She loves him and he is a good friend and doesn't want to see her hurt. And she's supported him for years, and will likely still be around if you and BF split up. The fact that he doesn't want her to be hurt by being confronted with the fact of your relationship is a positive thing.

Let her get used to you and start accepting in her own head that she and your BF will never be an item. then you can all move on.