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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

need some advice on bf's female 'friend'

113 replies

upyourbum72 · 04/03/2012 23:14

So bf been friends with this woman for 4 years now. I've only known him 6 months, he had been single for quite a while before he met me, this friend is single and it sounds to me while he was single they were quite good company for each other, so much so he went to her parents one xmas, he helped her out with things around the house, she baked him cakes, pies etc bought him presents etc. Now at one time near the beginning of the friendship I think she hoped things would go further than a friendship, he however never felt like that towards her and told her so. We have a mutual friend too that was telling me about this conversation a few years ago and how he valued her friendship but could NEVER go down that road with her, and I believe him, he's been nothing but honest. (plus I've seen a picture lol) But I'm not so sure about her.....

For example at the weekend it was bf Birthday, she went into his house on his actual Birthday (his lodger let her in) and left lots of balloons and made up a basket with loads of chocolate and a teddy bear oh and made him a birthday cake which kind of out did my bought one lol! I tried not to feel jealous but really I did a bit, a simular thing happened xmas.

Today however I did get a bit upset as she wanted to come around to see him but made it clear she didn't want to come while I was there, so I ended up going home while she visited then came back later. I told bf I wasn't doing that again though she had to accept me as his gf and if I was there tough! He realised I was right and said yes its silly I will have it out with her today and sort it. He's trying to get us to meet so we know each other, but she doesn't want to as doesn't know what I have got to do with her, he explained as his friend he would like her to meet me as I am a big part of his life. She said she would if it meant alot to him but doesn't understand why she should. That tbh has made me feel awkward now, and I just don't know how to handle this, our relationship is good apart from this little annoyance. I would of been fine with him having a female friend, but I think there's something a bit dodgy here, would you just igore it as obviously I can't really preach who he can and can't be friends with :-/ HELP!!!!!!

OP posts:

LottieJenkins · 05/03/2012 08:06

I thought the "ive seen a picture of her" comment was very catty!!miaow!!!!!!!!!!

Original poster

upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 08:07

Thanks notmostpeople yes I think your right in a way, I probably have to be the bigger person here and in the end she will most probably shoot herself in the foot! Bf is a nice person and I do think he is worried about hurting her feelings, but maybe doesn't think about mine. I do feel for him a bit though as he is in the middle

OP posts:

PooPooInMyToes · 05/03/2012 08:11

I think you need to explain your seen her photo comment.

Original poster

upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 08:13

sorry if I've come across as nasty with my picture comment. I probably am being a bit catty as I'm a bit jealous tbh myself and not particularly confident, I was trying to get across that I didn't feel threatened by her in that way, BUT its the inner beauty that counts I know that he is obviously attracted to her personality, and the rest is superficial she could loose weight , grow her hair, put a bit of make up on and look stunning then I would be worried!!

I just want advice really not picked up on on my nasty comment, which it prob was, but it is because I feel jealous I guess, we can all be a bit catty at times!

OP posts:

chenin · 05/03/2012 08:20

Good grief... I think you can be as catty as you like in the circumstances upyrbum! And it was funny!

p.s. you are digging a big hole in your last post trying to get out of the comment!
It's no different to seeing an ex with someone else and thinking 'what on earth does he see in HER?' or someone's OH going off with someone far more unattractive and/or older than you. It's human nature to make a snidey remark and I think the OP is being very restrained about all of this. The woman would get ON MY NERVES popping up all over the place, and I would have no hesitation in throwing out a sarky comment or two, and I would be doing that to my OH. And it would be along the lines of ' this daft woman needs to get a life, and move on from you, cos it aint gonna happen' !

PooPooInMyToes · 05/03/2012 08:21

Fair enough.

Fairenuff · 05/03/2012 08:22

Are you certain that she actually knows that you are his girlfriend?

He doesn't want you holding hands or being affectionate in front of her . He asked you to leave when she was coming round.

Perhaps she is his girlfriend and he has told her that you and he are just good friends and he could never like you that 'that way'? That balloon thing and the teddy are a bit 'girlfriendy' not something I would do for a man that's just a friend tbh.

Any chance he could be stringing you both along?

feedbackforfree · 05/03/2012 08:37

This friend wouldn't be the first to settle for a "friendship" with the man she loves when she can't have a relationship with him and it's possible that this is what has happened here. She probably has lived in a perpetual state of hope for a very long time. This has been possible for as long as it has because of their mutual single status.

She sounds like a dominant character and your boyfriend sounds like he is a little passive in the mix, a fence sitter.

If she were a true friend, she would want to meet you and give his new relationship her full support - if she were interested in his hapiness.

It's not at all uncommon for same sex friends to have these issues as well when one gets a new partner. It may be that she is just a jealous person and would have been exactly the same had she had a "girl" best friend. We can't know whether she is in love with him or just jealous.

But what we do know is your boyfriend, if he is serious about a long term relationship with you, needs to grow a pair, and make sure that he kindly but firmly spells out how this will all work, to her. He may also need to be prepared to walk away from the friendship if it is going to continue to be a problem.

You sound very reasonable from your posts and I accepted the "photo" comment as a joke rather than being bitchy.

FetchezLaVache · 05/03/2012 08:53

It's absolutely clear that she's in love with him, no doubt about that. I would say the only thing that's in question is whether your boyfriend knows and is lapping up the attention at the expense of her feelings- I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt until you said he'd told you not to be lovey-dovey with him in front of her. Like you say, you wouldn't be all PDA in company anyway, so why specifically tell you not to be in front of her?

I've seen a lot of this, blokes who give a plain, smitten girl just enough encouragement, safe in the knowledge they can always come back with "But I made it absolutely clear three years ago that I didn't want a relationship with her...".

joblot · 05/03/2012 09:02

It sounds all rather juvenile and dishonest in his part. I'd be worried he's stringing her along, given the way he's handling it. For what reason I couldn't guess.

How would he feel if you behaved this way with an unseen male friend?

Original poster

upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 09:10

No fairenuff I'm quite sure 100% I've seen the texts etc, I've even checked them for myself oops sorry if thats something else nasty! But we have a mutual friend too that has reassured me about this. I am very sure he's not stringing me along. I do think he just doesn't want to hurt her feelings and he's not thinking about the bigger picture!

OP posts:

Original poster

upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 09:19

feedbackforfree. Thanks for your reply, I agree with what you say, it is only 6 months I've been with him so maybe I should give things a bit longer but like I say make clear the things I'm not happy about. If the relationship does move forward, living together whatever if she's still like this maybe then would a good time to maybe expect him to walk away from the friendship. I don't know if its right to expect someone to give up their friend for you male or female. Unless it is causing friction which clearly it is, I am struggling to know how to handle it.

OP posts:

CurrySpice · 05/03/2012 09:27

I agree with the poster who said that she has known and supported your bf for years. You have only known him 6 months. If I were him I would be very hmmm about a new partner making comments about my dearest friends

Tread carefully. Jealousy is a. Not very attractive and b. rarely leads to sensible thoughts / actions

Your bf sounds lovely. His friend sounds very sad Be kind and be the bigger person

Original poster

upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 09:28

Joblot. I'm not sure tbh I think he does enjoy the attention, who wouldn't? I think he thinks because she's always done these things its ok to continue, especially as he 'doesn't fancy her'. I'm not sure wot she thinks if I'm honest, I don't know if she wants to cause trouble or if she just thinks she's always done it why should she stop. I do think if she had a bf of her own she wouldn't be doing these things.

When these things happen, like the cake thing and the balloon thing and he tells me I feel a bit hurt or jealous I'm not sure wot it is, but I try not to show it as the other part of me is saying its his friend, don't be jealous, but I simply can't help the way I feel. But I'm not sure whats right or wrong, I don't want to feel like this but I don't think he sees the problem, he wants us both .

OP posts:

Original poster

upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 09:42

I know I'm going on now, I've let it wind me up so forgive my rants but its helping to be able to get it out on here.

I have a male friend who to me would always be just a friend, I don't find attractive at all, but I know to him he wants more even though he says he's happy to just accept a friendship. I know if I encouraged this friendship he would most probably act the same way, send presents etc, want to take me out, but because I don't want it to cause problems with my relationship I haven't encouraged it I still speak to him occaisionally but you know I don't encourage it too much. Bf knows about this, and he has made it clear he doesn't like him and has checked him out on facebook knows were he works etc, so why can't he see it from the other way round??

OP posts:

PooPooInMyToes · 05/03/2012 09:53

Has he met him though?

solidgoldbrass · 05/03/2012 09:54

I think this bloke is slightly feeding his ego at the expense of both you and his female friend. However, you have known him for 6 months and she has been his friend for 4 years, so right now she is more important to him than you are, and that's only fair. People who dump their friends because they have started shagging someone new are not very nice.

Your best strategy is to rise above it. CLinging, whining, laying down the law, pissing on his trouser leg before he meets her and making nasty remarks about her will all make you look like a controlling bitch. Either she'll find herself another bloke, or you'll get bored with the situation and move on of your own accord. Or all three of you will become friends.

Original poster

upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 10:00

I don't whine at all I keep it all in how I feel. (apart from on here which he can't see) I'm not sure she should be MORE important than me tbh, I would of been more accepting if she wanted to meet etc. But I agree its only 6 months compared to 4 years so I guess for the time being I have to put up and shut up in a way :-(

OP posts:

nizlopi · 05/03/2012 10:01

plus I've seen a picture lol

You sound charming.

Original poster

upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 10:04

Have you read the rest of the thread nizlopi!!!???

OP posts:

PooPooInMyToes · 05/03/2012 10:10

Im not actually sure what the solution is really. I think maybe just seeing how it goes (helpful!).

If it looks like he's playing games then finish things as that's not nice. At the moment it seems like he's just trying to consider her feelings which is of course good. Eventually he should realise her being off about you is just making his life difficult, or you never know she might start acting more like his friend and not like his girlfriend.

Don't act as though you are in competition with her though. All that's going to do it make yourself look silly and will tempt you to start bitching about her. Not a good look!

Take the high ground and keep your self respect.

Original poster

upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 10:12

thank u for that poo xx

OP posts:

QuintessentialyHollow · 05/03/2012 10:12

"she will most probably shoot herself in the foot!"

Charming.

Mumsyblouse · 05/03/2012 10:14

Your boyfriend has led her on a bit in that he shouldn't have let her get so close (balloons, home-baked cakes, no meeting girlfriends) without making it clear nothing will happen with them. I don't buy that he's just a bit passive, he's assertive enough about kicking you out so she can come around and telling you not to hold hands in front of her. He's allowed this situation to develop and clearly doesn't want it to stop.

This is ridiculous, I would personally not tolerate being shoved out for a friend coming around, he's with you and you should be able to have a night in with any of his friends popping over, and you should not have to hide you are together. This is so odd I simply couldn't be bothered with it myself.

AnyFucker · 05/03/2012 10:16

if she "shoots herself in the foot" it will be because your charming boyfriend has led her on

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