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Original poster

need some advice on bf's female 'friend'

113 replies

upyourbum72 · 04/03/2012 23:14

So bf been friends with this woman for 4 years now. I've only known him 6 months, he had been single for quite a while before he met me, this friend is single and it sounds to me while he was single they were quite good company for each other, so much so he went to her parents one xmas, he helped her out with things around the house, she baked him cakes, pies etc bought him presents etc. Now at one time near the beginning of the friendship I think she hoped things would go further than a friendship, he however never felt like that towards her and told her so. We have a mutual friend too that was telling me about this conversation a few years ago and how he valued her friendship but could NEVER go down that road with her, and I believe him, he's been nothing but honest. (plus I've seen a picture lol) But I'm not so sure about her.....

For example at the weekend it was bf Birthday, she went into his house on his actual Birthday (his lodger let her in) and left lots of balloons and made up a basket with loads of chocolate and a teddy bear oh and made him a birthday cake which kind of out did my bought one lol! I tried not to feel jealous but really I did a bit, a simular thing happened xmas.

Today however I did get a bit upset as she wanted to come around to see him but made it clear she didn't want to come while I was there, so I ended up going home while she visited then came back later. I told bf I wasn't doing that again though she had to accept me as his gf and if I was there tough! He realised I was right and said yes its silly I will have it out with her today and sort it. He's trying to get us to meet so we know each other, but she doesn't want to as doesn't know what I have got to do with her, he explained as his friend he would like her to meet me as I am a big part of his life. She said she would if it meant alot to him but doesn't understand why she should. That tbh has made me feel awkward now, and I just don't know how to handle this, our relationship is good apart from this little annoyance. I would of been fine with him having a female friend, but I think there's something a bit dodgy here, would you just igore it as obviously I can't really preach who he can and can't be friends with :-/ HELP!!!!!!

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 05/03/2012 16:48

I went home yesterday but he acknowledged that that wasn't right and said would have it out with her when he saw her. Which he did . . .

Did you actually witness this conversation or did it take place when she came round and you weren't there. How do you know that he 'had it out' with her? It sounds from what you said that she had her daughter with her at the time. Is that the kind of conversation he would have in front of a child? I'm not sure he is being entirely honest with either of you.

It's not that hard to set boundaries. All he has to say to his friend is 'Upyourbum is my girlfriend and obviously we want to spend lots of time together but you are welcome to join us from time to time'. If she doesn't want to, that's her choice but he doesn't need to tell you that. And if she wants to see him alone, she can call him and suggest meeting up and he will either say a) yes, great, see you soon or b) sorry I'm busy then. He should treat her the same as he would any other good friend.

Original poster
upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 17:39

Oh honestly fairnuff. Yes I believe the conversation he had with her completely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I trust him! And in front of a child....yes he asked her to meet me as it was silly I went home, her daughter actually agreed with him and wanted my children to meet her too. It was her that didn't want to know!!!!

OP posts:
Pornyissue · 05/03/2012 18:12

Hmm

He is trying not to risk hurting her

But seems fine risking hurting you

That is the crunch

Original poster
upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 19:22

I know pornyissue, that is wot hurts. He's not stupid though and he is a kind man so I am so hoping it will dawn on him. I think though our mutual friend will say something if not. I hope this turns out ok, I guess I just have to wait and see.

OP posts:
Pornyissue · 05/03/2012 19:33

But why let is dawn on him? I think you should tell him now how it makes you feel.

I have been through the same thing I know how you feel, but I think you have to be honest.

Original poster
upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 19:39

Have you? So how did you deal with it, and how it work out I would be interested to know x

OP posts:
Pornyissue · 05/03/2012 19:54

I guess I just bit the bullet and said the friendship made me uncomfortable. I tried to get on with her but her behaviour became more and more overtly sexual even in front of me and I found it very disrespectful.

I pointed out why exactly her behaviour was beyond platonic and just let dh come to his own conclusions. Luckily he began to see it a dufferent light and decided to end the friendship of his own accord because it dawned on him that she had interfered in every single realtionship he had ever had since knowing her and created problems and they wouldn't stop.

It was all a bit creepy as she kept emailing him and she had changed her surname to his!

Your right that you can't tell him what to do, but neither can you be meek and suffer in silence. I think you should start explaining why x or y makes you feel unhappy and hope he comes to a suitable conclusion.

Original poster
upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 20:16

Thanks for sharing that with me, really appreciate it. Wow that does sound creepy, this is what I mean though sometimes these men just can't see it and they seem to need it spelt out to them! Its so frustrating !!!!!!!

OP posts:
Pornyissue · 05/03/2012 20:23

I know my dh thought she was such a great supportive friend at the time

To be fair I too have thought certain friends were great at the time, we all make mistakes

FeedZombieEatSmartie · 05/03/2012 20:27

When I first got wit

Original poster
upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 20:32

Yeh he has said what a nice person she is and how we would get on and how she would probably stick up for me about things as she's always bollocking him. Though I pointed out 1 occasion she didn't , and I said be careful because when people are jealous they do do and say things to cause trouble. She hasn't as far as I know but I have reason to think there has been a few things said. He said oh she's not like that at all.....I said nothing but I have warned him at least.....

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 05/03/2012 20:50

Fair enough Smile

If you are sure he's being totally honest and upfront with both of you, then her reluctance to meet with you is her problem really. She must realise that if she doesn't want to give you the opportunity of becoming friends as well, then it's unlikely that she will see very much of your bf because he will be spending most of his time with you.

She is putting him in a difficult position by basically asking him to choose between you both. Hopefully your bf will make some mature and sensible decisions regarding this friendship. It would be a shame to lose a good friend but equally he should not have to sacrifice your relationship to keep that friendship

FeedZombieEatSmartie · 05/03/2012 20:50

When I first got with DP, he was friends with a woman who evidently had feelings for him. The first time I met her was at a house party and DP wanted to introduce us, thinking we would get along. They had only been friends for a couple of months and he had no idea she might have had feelings for him. Anyway, by the time I met her, she was quite drunk and was, at first, quite pleasant. She then started to stare at me, making me feel uncomfortable and asked why I was there. I told her, nice and slow, 'I'm with DP'. She then stormed off, shoving DP into the door on her way past him.

She would often show up at DP's unexpectedly in the first few weeks of our relationship, more often than not upset and wanting sympathy attention She showed up when I was round one afternoon with a bag full of food. Intended for her I guess to share with DP.

I told him to tell her she needed to stop being so inappropriate. I was never jealous, just knew her actions and behaviour were not normal friend behaviour. He did and only saw her in social situations, I could tell she was quite emotionally attached to DP even though he didn't. She acted very aggressively towards me in the pub a few months after he told her to stop coming round his. I walked off, not wanting a confrontation in public. After that DP lost all respect for her (he saw her shout in my face) and stopped all contact.

For me, it was about respect from him to me, which he gave me 100%. She had no respect for boundaries, for DP nor me. And so he ended the friendship.

How can you have respect for someone who shows none for their friends new relationship and the new person in their lives? It's not necessarily about who was there first, but more to do with the behaviour and attitude of the people involved, surely?

Original poster
upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 21:10

hmm it will be interesting to see the outcome of this, wish I could see in the future. I do honestly think he will start to have enough because she does get funny with him for not returning texts and stuff and for not been able to see her when he's said as he's with me or something else. He even said once I better go round and see her because I let her down last time, and he felt he had to stay for a while not want to particularly, though he does like her as a person, it just seems sometimes he's on eggshells not wanting to hurt her feelings and now he wants me to do the same, its strange really!!!!!

Thanks for letting me rant on here netters its really helped :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 21:18

I hope he does too fairenuff, as I have been through something simular once before years ago. That went on for years, in the end he had to end the friendship as I was leaving basically. That was alot worse though, they would go out clubbing leave me at home on my Birthday, she was very odd and he thought I should just get over it.....bad times and this is bringing it all back, same thing again he can't see it and can't see how it may be effecting me because he doesn't fancy her !

OP posts:
alwayshappytolisten · 05/03/2012 21:33

Er...hang on a sec
Are you confident that she does actually know that you're a couple and that he hasn't told her that you're 'just good friends' too (to spare her obvious feelings maybe)?
I find it odd that you should leave while she visits unless there's something to hide. And does anyone else think that the balloons and cake thing is unusual behaviour for a purely platonic relationship where the other person is in a relationship?

Original poster
upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 21:44

yes yes I am 100% sure she knows I am his girlfriend I've seen plenty of evidence, no reason to doubt that at all!!!!!! It was is VERY odd but I have explained all this before. I told him I am not doing that again she has to accept it. I find it Very odd with the balloons yes, I would never do that to a male friend unless there was more in my head and I even more wouldn't do it if I knew they were with someone. That is why I started this thread, I realise the thread is really long now so you probably haven't managed to take in all the info.

OP posts:
Hattytown · 05/03/2012 21:46

OP you said that he's not stupid, so stop treating him like he has no antennae or intelligence. He knows if his friend likes him and his behaviour is to encourage that. I think the one thing you're overlooking in all this is that he is deriving some benefit from this triangle.

Either he's keeping her on the back-burner for when you and he fizzle out or he likes to have more than one woman in love with him at a time, in order to boost his ego.

But he really isn't some hapless man whose 'kindness' is causing this problem.

If he really is this dim and unaware of his behaviour and the effect it has on on women, he's not a very good prospect for the future is he? Your life will be a long line of women who mistake friendship for sexual interest, followed by plaintive cries from him that he 'only wanted friendship'. Why would you really want to be with someone who's this dense?

Original poster
upyourbum72 · 05/03/2012 21:54

I do agree he is prob enjoying the attention yes, and I agree he is in some ways resposible for this. I do believe he wants her as a friend and nothing more and in his perfect world we would get on. That doesn't look like its going to happen and I do think since she has refused to meet me and I went home yesterday, he has started to think and realise. I will see him tomorrow and I will explain how I feel but won't suggest he gives up his friend. If it does continue and he doesn't see my point of view, you are right I would not want to spend the rest of life with him no!!!! That is why I am hoping he will smell the coffee soon and prove to be a man I want in my life!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
upyourbum72 · 07/03/2012 12:45

I'm back!!!

Saw bf last night he showed me his texts toand from her. He said to her she wasn't giving me a chance etc. She expressedshe was hurt because he doesn't see so much of her. He then told her he loved her and his daughter, I questioned him about it he said he meant as a friend......but WTF surely thats encouraging her if he knows she has some sort of feelings for him. I'm getting more and more uneasy about this as time goes on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-(

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 07/03/2012 13:07

Well, if he said he loved her and her daughter, it's got to be clear he doesn't mean it romantically? It's a good thing he's letting you see texts, but your instincts are there for a reason...

Original poster
upyourbum72 · 07/03/2012 13:24

I don't like it!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
upyourbum72 · 07/03/2012 13:30

He means it as a friend I know that, but I'm worried he's dealing with it wrong and she is getting the wrong idea....he's surely giving her the wrong message, if she does feel something towards her !!!???

OP posts:
Original poster
upyourbum72 · 07/03/2012 13:30

towards him I mean

OP posts:
Hattytown · 07/03/2012 13:41

Yes he is giving her the wrong message, but he knows that. I suspect he's known all along that his friend has romantic yearnings for him and has fed her enough crumbs of false hope to keep her interested and adoring all these years.
It's a shame her real friends haven't been able to get her to see how manipulative he has been, but I hope you can see it and recognise it as a cruel, self-serving behaviour and that you also see the Red Flag in a man who needs more than one woman to be hopelessly in love with him in order to feel validated.

You can project the future with a man with this character trait can't you?