need some advice on bf's female 'friend'

[upyourbum72]

So bf been friends with this woman for 4 years now. I've only known him 6 months, he had been single for quite a while before he met me, this friend is single and it sounds to me while he was single they were quite good company for each other, so much so he went to her parents one xmas, he helped her out with things around the house, she baked him cakes, pies etc bought him presents etc. Now at one time near the beginning of the friendship I think she hoped things would go further than a friendship, he however never felt like that towards her and told her so. We have a mutual friend too that was telling me about this conversation a few years ago and how he valued her friendship but could NEVER go down that road with her, and I believe him, he's been nothing but honest. (plus I've seen a picture lol) But I'm not so sure about her.....

For example at the weekend it was bf Birthday, she went into his house on his actual Birthday (his lodger let her in) and left lots of balloons and made up a basket with loads of chocolate and a teddy bear oh and made him a birthday cake which kind of out did my bought one lol! I tried not to feel jealous but really I did a bit, a simular thing happened xmas.

Today however I did get a bit upset as she wanted to come around to see him but made it clear she didn't want to come while I was there, so I ended up going home while she visited then came back later. I told bf I wasn't doing that again though she had to accept me as his gf and if I was there tough! He realised I was right and said yes its silly I will have it out with her today and sort it. He's trying to get us to meet so we know each other, but she doesn't want to as doesn't know what I have got to do with her, he explained as his friend he would like her to meet me as I am a big part of his life. She said she would if it meant alot to him but doesn't understand why she should. That tbh has made me feel awkward now, and I just don't know how to handle this, our relationship is good apart from this little annoyance. I would of been fine with him having a female friend, but I think there's something a bit dodgy here, would you just igore it as obviously I can't really preach who he can and can't be friends with :-/ HELP!!!!!!

I'm very concerned and sad yes!!!!!

Hmm. ANother one who thinks this man likes the idea of himself as irresistable, with loads of women madly in love with him. You've only been with him 6 months, OP, why not just cut your losses?

If you don't want to do that just yet, why not make it clear that you fancy keeping your options open, too? In fact, keep your options a little more open, 6 months is a bit early to be getting totally full on with someone, especially someone who is showing red flags.

He thinks that by being honest with you and showing you the texts, you can't complain but, really, did he seriously think this would help the situation? He is either very manipulative or extremely insensitive.

I would not want a lifetime with a man who handled such a situation so ineptly tbh. Would he tell a very close male friend that he loved him? If not, why does he feel the need to tell a female friend. Why is he treating her differently to his other friends? He is not responsible for her behaviour, but he is responsible for his own.

Might be time to have a really good think about this relationship OP. Six months in? It should be fun and exciting and romantic, not hassle and uncertainty.

I think he's dealing with it badly but that doesn't mean that he's a bad person. It's just the sort of thing my DH would do and as I said up thread I've been in a very similar position.

When I got to know DH's friend I realised that she was often like it with men, she'd meet a bloke who would give her obvious signals that he wasn't interested in her romantically but cling on to any tiny sign that she could convert him. She'd send poems, presents, compilation tapes of songs he'd like (yes I am that old) etc. It sounds like your DP's friend is similar so he needs to be absolutely clear with her, he can be fond of her tell her he loves her but make it totally clear this is as friends. He also needs to ensure that it's totally clear what his relationship with you is.

I would then get on with your relationship and not make any compromises for her whatsoever - she doesn't need to have any power over your relationship with your DP and that's up to you to ensure.

Having read your last message, about her saying she's hurt and him saying but I love you and your daughter, I think you should step away for a while. They appear to be having some type of emotional/pseudo relationship and I would tell him to get back in touch when he's sorted it out. He's not giving her clear boundaries at all, he's saying he loves her and her daughter, even as a 'loving friends' message, this is all confused and messy. Leave them to it, you are spending longer discussing their relationship than your own!

Mumsyblouse, I didn't like your reply at first, wanted to say I'm not stepping etc why should I, but to be honest your right we're just discussing their relationship at present and not ours, so maybe I will step back and see if he will sort it out if he can't or won't I might need to walk away to be honest! I know I maybe should fight for him but well I want someone to fight for me for a change x

Has something happened between them? I suspect it has and only he and she would know.
My dh had an friend that he had a one night stand with (and regretted), I then came on the scene and she was also very keen to stay friends and didn't want me around. DH realised it wasn't sustainable,if she wouldn't 'let' me be in his life then he had to reduce her from his life. She reacted very poorly to his attempt to setup boundaries and that made his mind up. DH however knew that he had caused the confusion and had at least been honest with both of us.

She has invested in this relationship and I suspect if she's rational (and your mutual friend will confirm) then she has a reason to be like this.

I'm sorry but you really need to wake up and smell the coffee. this whole thing is ridiculous, he told her he loves her??
this man is not 'kind' he's a twat.

You can't even blame the OW, she sees him as fair game, and why shouldn't she? She's getting all the right messages and declarations of love.

You need to dump his sorry arse and his massive ego ASAP.

Oh and he's totally shagged her in the past I reckon.

he said he should be able to tell his friend he loves them, i suppose he should I just think in the circumstances it was wrong, but he doesn't see it. I'm looking like the bunny boiler to be honest!!!!!!!!!!!

I've never text a friend saying I love them, not normal, especially in this situation where he knows she has feelings for him, he is at best purposely stringing her along or at worst engaging in some sort of romantic relationship with her.

You are not being a bunny boiler, but you are being incredibly naive and far to trusting. (sorry if that sounds harsh, its meant with the best intentions)

My dh who despite his rough exterior is as soppy as they come would and does tell his friends that he loves them, more so his female friends the male ones only after a drink or six. If the relationship is good, if your instincts are telling you he's telling the truth and you are looking like a bunny boiler then I wouldn't walk away at all. I don't think it looks dodgy, he's just a bloke who's handling it all wrong.

Honestly I'd stop talking about her and carry on your relationship if she's involved then respond as in just the same way you would if it was a male friend.

thanks notmostpeople and looplou. I have several friends that tell the same sex and the opposite sex that they love them, I don't think theres anything wrong with it personally. Just under the circumstances I think its wrong. I'm not a natrually trusting person believe me, I know nothing is going on romantically 100% its just I suspect different from her, and I've let it get to me. I think he's handled it wrong but thats all! He has given me her number and told me to speak to her if I want but I'm not sure if thats a good idea really.