need some advice on bf's female 'friend'

[upyourbum72]

So bf been friends with this woman for 4 years now. I've only known him 6 months, he had been single for quite a while before he met me, this friend is single and it sounds to me while he was single they were quite good company for each other, so much so he went to her parents one xmas, he helped her out with things around the house, she baked him cakes, pies etc bought him presents etc. Now at one time near the beginning of the friendship I think she hoped things would go further than a friendship, he however never felt like that towards her and told her so. We have a mutual friend too that was telling me about this conversation a few years ago and how he valued her friendship but could NEVER go down that road with her, and I believe him, he's been nothing but honest. (plus I've seen a picture lol) But I'm not so sure about her.....

For example at the weekend it was bf Birthday, she went into his house on his actual Birthday (his lodger let her in) and left lots of balloons and made up a basket with loads of chocolate and a teddy bear oh and made him a birthday cake which kind of out did my bought one lol! I tried not to feel jealous but really I did a bit, a simular thing happened xmas.

Today however I did get a bit upset as she wanted to come around to see him but made it clear she didn't want to come while I was there, so I ended up going home while she visited then came back later. I told bf I wasn't doing that again though she had to accept me as his gf and if I was there tough! He realised I was right and said yes its silly I will have it out with her today and sort it. He's trying to get us to meet so we know each other, but she doesn't want to as doesn't know what I have got to do with her, he explained as his friend he would like her to meet me as I am a big part of his life. She said she would if it meant alot to him but doesn't understand why she should. That tbh has made me feel awkward now, and I just don't know how to handle this, our relationship is good apart from this little annoyance. I would of been fine with him having a female friend, but I think there's something a bit dodgy here, would you just igore it as obviously I can't really preach who he can and can't be friends with :-/ HELP!!!!!!

Mumsyblouse, the bf has made it clear that nothing will happen

How would we react if a poster came on here and said "my new partner wants me to drop my old friends because they are jealous of them"?

Made it clear to whom? How can we possibly know either way? I suspect he might not have made things quite so clear to his friend as he wants his GF to think he has.

Nobody has said this bloke should "drop" his friend

He should simply not take the piss out of his gf

yes he has made it clear nothing will happen, I'm not sure he has recently but he's told me about 'that' conversation he had.

I think though I will for the time being rise above it and try not to let it bug me too much, we are happy and she's not tried to split us up yet. I do think he enjoys the attention and I do think he wants us all to get on. I would of liked that but she has made me feel awkward now so for now probably best not to go down that road and bite my lip. In the end if she keeps being off and I'm being grown up about it he will hopefully see that and thats what I mean by shooting herself in the foot, as he would not want to be friends with her. Hopefully in time she will stop sending cakes etc and accept me a bit more, for now I think I will just enjoy being with my bf

Fetchez in the op she says that he told his friend that it would never go further and there is even an independent witness to this conversation so I think we can assume he's made it clear from the start

Anyfucker several posters have said they "wouldn't tolerate" the situation

I had a sort of similar thing. Went i first started dating my husband he had broken up with his girlfriend only two months before. She was devastated and he wanted to spare her feelings and so didn't tell her we were dating for a while.

This was fine except she kept popping round to his house to visit his parents. I put up with it for a while, then suggested perhaps it wasn't appropriate that she was always there and i couldn't go in after our dates seeing as she didn't even know i existed!

He realised himself that it wasn't right but she was still really upset. Eventually though, about 4 or so months into our relationship he told her about me. He also got his parents to stop inviting her round!

I would have thought 6 months was enough time for everyone to get used to the change.

But like i said see how it goes. You've told him you won't be going out so that she can visit and good for you, that's ridiculous!

When it comes to Teddy bears and things don't try to compete with her!

I "wouldn't tolerate" it either, but there is a middle ground between "drop this friend" and not being taken for a mug

to "not tolerate" doesn't mean black/white he dumps/doesn't dump his friend

he could set better, clearer boundaries, not tell his gf to go home when the friend visits and not force her to pretend they are not an item in public and still be friends with his pal

When I was young and stupid, I had quite a few male friends like this. I knew that they were in love with me and obviously liked the attention, although I would never have admitted it as I didn't see it like this. They came to see me, brought presents, took me out to dinner. It wasn't fair and it all ended in tears, more than once (not mine, obviously).

This man knows this girl is in love with him otherwise he wouldn't be trying to shield her from his girlfriend or ask his girlfriend not to show any outward sign of affection. Why would he do that if they are just good friends and it's absolutely clear to her nothing else is going on?

I wouldn't personally tolerate it, I would expect my boyfriend to say 'no, upyourbum is here, you are welcome to come over' if she called and requested an individual audience. I would expect my boyfriend to be very keen to hold my hand and not be telling me when to disguise my relationship.

I have lots of male friends now, and my husband has plenty of female friends. But they all know not to fill our houses with balloons, cakes and get jealous as we are married. This is very juvenile behaviour and the only way to deal with it is calmly, but firmly, by setting the boundaries now. No dropping of friends is needed when you are in a new relationship, but my bet is that once boundaries are set, this girl will drift away anyway as ultimately an occasional friendship isn't what she wants.

but she hasn't made you feel awkward has she? he has. He's the one that has told you she doesn't want to meet you/not to hold hands/be affectionate when she's around/wants you to get out of the house so they can see each other.

Why would he do that? If I had a friend who was acting like that, even if I was indulging them a bit I certainly wouldn't relay those kinds of conversations back to my partner - why would you?

She hasn't actually done anything wrong here - it's clear he hasn't told her that now he has a gf she should back off, and tbh why should she? If she's been there as a friend, even a friend who gives cake and presents why should that change just because he's seeing someone if the relationship between them isn't more than platonic? Unless he has made it clear to her he doesn't want that kind of friendship with her any more she has no reason to back off, you don't just back off from your friends when they start seeing someone else...

hmmm not sure wannabe, when your in the situation as gf it doesn't feel very nice I can tell you, but thats probably how he and she and maybe some others see it too, which is why its an issue ,but I can't help the way I feel about it!

Upyourbum- I think you are missing Wannabe's good point which is that it is all about what your boyfriend is doing and saying to you, and really not his female friends fault. He is the one passing on her dislike of you, putting limits on you when she comes round and telling you not to display affection if she does. You need to focus on why your boyfriend is doing these things rather than worrying about her.

and I see what your saying. I think he does need to take some responsibility, but he probably feels in the middle he wants his friend and he gf to get on.

because I'm there when these texts come through, like 'when we come on will you be alone?' 'I don't understand what your gf has to do with me' I have been there when these sort of texts have come through so then we will have a conversation about it.

I don't see that he wants you two to "get on" at all, OP

from what you have said, he is doing everything in his power to keep you apart, insecure and in competition with each other

that is the issue, not her and you seem to be having some difficulty in acknowledging that

Well why would he suggest we meet then? I went home yesterday but he acknowledged that that wasn't right and said would have it out with her when he saw her. Which he did he said to her she was being silly and we should meet as I was part of his life even her daughter was agreeing and she would quite like to meet my daughter as they're simular ages, but she wasn't having any of it, she said his gf was nothing to do with her and why would she want to meet me? He told her I went home so she didn't feel uncomfortable and was coming back later and that it wasn't right. She said 'oh she didn't have to do that I would of come another day' ......

Yes, look at your boyfriend's motives here and stop infantilising him as some poor clueless man who doesn't know what to do when a woman is in love with him .

He knows exactly what's happening here and is not stupid. He likes having two women competing with one another for his attention. Like others have said, none of this woman's antipathy towards you has been corroborated, so don't take it as read. But if she did insist that you weren't around when she visited, she is simply taking her cues from your boyfriend. He has made that request permissible, hasn't he? And by going along with it, he has reinforced that it is acceptable for you to scurry away and get out of sight.

In this situation, I would completely bypass him. Why don't you contact her yourself and say that you've heard so much about her and would love to meet her? Then you can judge for yourself whether she resents you and feels threatened by your relationship. You might be surprised if she turns out to be very different to the way your bf is painting her. On the other hand, if he's been encouraging her unrequited love, that's a pretty cruel thing to do and she could probably use a female friend who would tell her what's happening here.

I do cakes, balloons, and birthday presents for children, other sundry and diverse relatives and yes, a couple of my closest friends.

There is something slightly odd though, about not wanting to meet you. When the aforementioned friends do hook up with someone new, I am wild with curiosity and full of girlish enthusiasm and desperate to meet them.

Is that me being sad?

so you are there when these texts come through. Do you see them? does he show them to you? or just tell you what they say? And either way, why?

People that do the whole "x doesn't like you/has said this and that about you" always make me deeply suspicious tbh. There is IMO no reason why people need to pass on stuff like that unless they have their own agenda, and I think that is the key here.

Ha ha I'm like that too, can't wait to meet partners but would feel different if I actually fancied them, but to be honest even then I would make an effort I think.

My friend thats a mutual friend of mine and bf who also knows this woman. I was just chatting to she was telling me again how my bf was going on about how he could never go down that road with her, but she was also saying she thinks he knows how she feels about him but is not realising how his reactions sometimes is encouraging her. I'm going around for coffee with her now, then better go to work and stop my whining. Thanks so much for your replies so far I promise you I'm taking everything on board that your saying as being a possibility.

I don't know wannabe I'm totally confused tbh ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

She's being inappropriate, but to be fair she will have a fair bit of adjusting to do if he hasn't had a girlfriend before in the time they've been friends. His attitude is the key. He needs to put up and keep some boundaries - she does not get to dictate when he sees you, she needs to accept that he's with you and so on. If he's behaving appropriately then you have less to worry about should she decide to try to cross any lines.

My partner has a lot of female friends. Many of them are perfectly innocent, one or two have shall we say boundary issues and/or had issues with him acquiring a girlfriend after a few years of being everyone's single friend. Furthermore, this was a sore point with me because my ex's friendships had caused certain issues and having broken up with exey just before getting together with OH I wasn't up for another round of being lowest priority and kept out of huge swathes of my partner's life. It is quite possible to reach compromises, but his attitude will make or break these - it is up to her if she wants to whinge about you, as long as his response is 'I'm sorry, that's how it is' rather than 'there there darling I won't let the nasty witch near you'.

Also, I understand why you feel like making a bitchy comment, but take it from someone with years of experience - it isn't constructive. The high ground has a far nice view and if you look like a saint it will be much harder for her to object without looking pathetic...

I think she probably see's you as a temporary problem, and she's waiting in the wings to 'comfort' him if you guys break up. Maybe she doesn't want to meet you because she thinks you'll be gone soon? Well you'll just have to show her won't you :o

The problem is, she has effectively 'lost' her friend because he just simply isn't there as much as he was. That is probably difficult for her to adjust to, even if she was thinking clearly about it - which she may well not be. For some guys, girlfriends come and go, do you have any idea how many girls your BF has seen in the past 4 years? Yet he's spent all that time being a faithful 'friend' to her.

You've 'known' him 6 months, but how long have you been seeing a lot of each other. Give her time, don't make a scene about it, but don't back down. If she doesn't want to see the two of you, then she has to see less of him, simple as that.

Either she will eventually accept you - and at least be friendly with you even if she is really only 'friends' with your BF; or she doesn't accept you, and she sees less and less of your BF.

I think so to tinkersailer and my friend that knows her does too! x