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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help i have no idea how to deal with this... Regarding dp beyond drunk, A bit gross

449 replies

Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 00:51

Im so upset right now its beyond belief.

Bit of background, Me and Dp have been having 'chats' now over the last couple of weeks about how im getting seriously pee'd of with things around the house. Things like clean clothes and washing being dumped on the floor, shoes coats etc being dumped anywhere, stuff not being put back where it belongs. Im masssively pregnant and have pgp so ive explained things are getting much harder and more painful for me to do. He agrees yes ok fair point he will be more aware to try not to make more work for me to do then needed

Tonight. He goes out 'for a few' with friend we shall call X instead of me and him going for a meal. Thats fine in itself but i no when X and him are together it tends to turn into a few hundred drinks. Left me sat up waiting as he wouldnt be late. He left at 6 maybe and has just strolled through up to bed. Saw him getting out of the taxi walking rather strange so i think wonderful his drunk.

He gets in bed and i think wow he stinks of alcohol and well... crap. Say have you trumped? No. ok awesome walk down stairs to get a drink this smell is horrific. I find his tshirt on the conservatory floor with shit smears all over it. His jeans full of crap in the washer. Have a cry and go upstairs to get him out of bed. Stands up obviously hasnt been bothered to wash or even wipe theres now crap all over half the bed and some on myself. Im mentally breaking down at this point. His obviously sat on the sofa too as it stinks. Send him for a bath which he apparently has had and cleaned himself and i then find 'it' all over some towels. the downstairs toilet looks like both ends have exploaded and stinks beyond anything ive ever known.

Ive tried to get anything out of him like WTF has happened, why didnt he do anything about it, where the hell his boxers are, why the hell did he get in bed next to me like that. apparently he didnt know. which is bollox because if he hadnt known he would have got undressed upstairs and he wouldnt have put his jeans in the wash.

I dont know what i ever expect anyone to say but obviously i dont feel i can rant about this in RL so even if no one says anything its off my chest a little :) . Seriously where do i take it from here? What am i suppose to say to him.

And no i am not the poo troll unfortunatly this is what my sat night has become and i have name changed

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 04/03/2012 14:44

Close2breaking in your position TBH I wouldnt trust your DP to do a reasonable job of cleaning up. Get him the number for a cleaning company then stand over him while he books a deep clean for your home. He can then pay for this out of his own account.

Make it clear to him that if he doesnt then you will be booking this and explaining to anyone who will listen precisely why this is necessary.

AmberLeaf · 04/03/2012 14:47

Do you genuinely not know or do you just want me to explain myself fully rather than just say that?!

Ok I think that the relationships board has lots of brilliant advice on all levels, but I think there are also lots of posts from people that read an OP take something from it that reminds them of their own experience and then project their own situation onto the OPs.

AmberLeaf · 04/03/2012 14:48

....and advise accordingly.

noddyholder · 04/03/2012 14:51

I have never experienced anything like that so I think you are wrong. You don't need to find a reason to explain the posters who are horrified I would think most people would be.You don't have to have experienced abuse to condemn it. Expecting her to deal with his shit is abuse It shows how much he thinks of her how he dealt with the after math.I think its the opposite I think those in abusive relationships themselves will try and explain away this sort of thing because it makes them feel better about tolerating it themselves

AmberLeaf · 04/03/2012 14:57

Yes but it wont be anyone currently in an abusive relationship giving such advice.

I see it lots on here and I know im not the only person to have noticed it.

Im not talking about this OP, but generally on this board it does happen.

TheSecondComing · 04/03/2012 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flippinada · 04/03/2012 15:03

"I think the lack of remorse is almost as bad as the initial act"

Agreed.

Also I have never experienced anything like this myself (thank GOD). I just can't fathom an adult behaving like this tbh. It's just so disgusting.

WelshMoth · 04/03/2012 15:13

Leave the arguing to and forth, you are not helping the OP.

Calamityboo · 04/03/2012 15:17

I am with you Flippinada, i have never had this, the closest we got was dh soiling a little when he had a d&v, that was bad enough and not his fault. As for "I think the lack of remorse is almost as bad as the initial act" I think that any lack of remorse, grovelling apologies, house scrubbed top to bottom, hot bath run for OP, dinner cooked, him sleeping on the sofa so she can have the bed to herself with 6 foot preggers pillow, is actually worse than the initial act, that can be somewhat explained away with the amount of alcohol he clearly consumed, but this is showing absolutly no respect to the mother of his baby, the woman he is supposed to love. If i was you OP, I would name and shame him if the house is not immaculate when you get back! I would go and stay with the inlaws and tell them exactly why you are there, if he has not made every effort to put this right, he does not deserve his dignity to remain in tact.

Original poster
Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 15:18

Well I'm on my way home dp won't be back for a couple of hours.

I think I'm feeling put out/ upset at when we had our chat he agreed and said he wanted to stay out because what had gone on.

That made me better like he was giving me a bit a space I could put him to the back of my thoughts for today but then his changed his mind as soon as I walk out of the door.

It's his house too I get that but I keep thinking how differently I would be acting if the tables were turned

OP posts:
Original poster
Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 15:22

Relationship isn't one where I could stay over at in laws but I would tell them if it got to it.

In the note I left I said to empty the bath water because I didn't want to put my hand in shitty water.

His pulled the plug but not washed it out. It looks pretty minging like there's fake tan in it :(

OP posts:
flippinada · 04/03/2012 15:24

Yes, I can imagine you would Close. You sound like a thoughtful person.

How old is he, by the way?

redwineandchocolate · 04/03/2012 15:25

I think the lack of remorse is a big problem too. I would just say this - he might still be quite drunk. I know my boyfriend has acted disgracefully before when drunk and still been slurring his words the next day, thus not in a fit state to make things up to me properly. Last time it happened I decided to leave him for a few days to let him wallow in his own shame as I knew he was still drunk and I would not be receiving a good enough apology from him in that state.

If I were you I'd stop texting him, turn your phone off and stay with family for a couple of days. When my boyfriend really messes up I tend to do the 'no contact' thing as it's the only course of action that makes him sit up and realise he's been a dick. Obviously your guy already knows he's been a dick, how couldn't he, but I think you should ignore him completely for a few days until he comes forward and shows you the proper remorse.

I disagree that this is some kind of deliberate show of abuse. I think he's lost self control and been extremely disgusting and disrespectful, but people defecating when extremely drunk DOES sometimes happen. It happened to my sister's friend at a party when they were at sixth form and completely paralytic - she was lying on the floor and just pooed herself. Obviously she never lived it down and although I never liked her I did feel sorry for her.

redwineandchocolate · 04/03/2012 15:27

Is there anywhere you could actually stay by the way? It might make him sit up a bit and stop making empty threats about 'needing space' if you turn the tables on him and say 'no, actually, I need space'.

Original poster
Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 15:30

He is 30 so not a 18 year old lad and should be well over this stage. I say not some 18 year old lad but tbh I don't think that many get in states like he was.

He has done nothing. Nothing at all. My house smells like a nappy bin that's been left full for a week Sad

I just feel so overwhelmingly upset. Why couldnt he have done anything :(. I don't really have anywhere to stay other then home and tbh I don't have the money to waste in a hotel

OP posts:
Kaekae · 04/03/2012 15:30

Is this a joke?!

noddyholder · 04/03/2012 15:31

So he left the bath like that and its not deliberately provocative? Really?

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 04/03/2012 15:31

Has he cleaned much up close ? or has he just gone and left most of it to you to clean up ? :)

Original poster
Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 15:32

It was me that said I needed space I said I didn't know what to say to him let alone want to spend the day with him. He agreed it was a good idea and he wanted to do that to give me some space. But then changed his mind once I'd left

I've not text him other then the message about how I wanted sleep but didn't get the choice. I didn't reply to the one about him coming home

OP posts:
noddyholder · 04/03/2012 15:33

You should have come home to a sparkling house and huge bunch of flowers at the very least. Is there a cheapy travelodge type place anywhere close to you

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 04/03/2012 15:34

X posts sorry. So basically he isn't giving u space he is just hoping if ge stays away long enough you will do it and your supposed to be grateful he has got out of your way? Pleas op you really have to try to find somewhere else to go for a few days you will get ill sorting his shit out don't do it to yourself!!! :)

noddyholder · 04/03/2012 15:35

He may have done this die to a stomach bug or something so leaving a pregnant woman to possibly catch something is very mean

chocoraisin · 04/03/2012 15:35

sorry to bang on about it, but just to be clear, has he gone out now to drive his 9yo son home? Seriously? Are you not at all concerned about that being unsafe? I would be giving a great deal less consideration to whether or not it is embarrassing to tell any family about what he's done and a lot more to whether a young child is currently travelling 70 miles in the car of someone who is most probably still drunk :(

AThingInYourLife · 04/03/2012 15:39

"I disagree that this is some kind of deliberate show of abuse. I think he's lost self control..."

You mean he is still so drunk that when he pulled the plug out if the bath but left it stained with his shit, he couldn't control his impulse not to bother his hole cleaning it up, but was forced instead to leave a filthy, shutty bath there for the OP to find when she came home?

Yeah, that makes sense.

Oh no, hang on...

For someone so supposedly embarrassed by his repulsive, filthy loss of control last night, he is surprisingly at ease with giving his pregnant partner plenty of opportunity to savour his shit that he has spread everywhere.

One might even say that he was making a point of not being too apologetic, lest she get the wrong idea and think cleaning it up wasn't her job.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 04/03/2012 15:39

His lack of care and concern for you is astounding closer. Sad