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Original poster

Found evidence that he's having an affair. Head in a spin.

114 replies

sothatsitthen · 01/03/2012 20:32

(I have namechanged for this as I know some MNers in RL and I'm not ready to go public yet.)

Things with DH and I haven't been great for the last year or so.

Not bad enough to leave; he doesn't thump me or the kids or drink excessively or act like a knob. He's just, well, indifferent really.

I know he's stressed at work, and work long hours (genuinely) with some travel, but I had found myself questioning some of his overnighters away, and whilst he always had a perfectly reasonable explanation my little radar was pinging.

Combined with the fact that we hardly ever have sex or any intimacy beyond a hug and kiss hello/goodbye I felt more and more uneasy. He has never been one for words and tends to show his feelings through his actions - little notes, a bunch of flowers, making me a cup of tea; all those little things you do for someone you love. But they have been lacking lately.

Then yesterday he said he might have to go away for some meetings today and might need to stay overnight due to timings and distance. He then texted me at work at 2.45 today to say he was on his way and see you tomorrow.

I thought "who the hell heads off for a meeting at that time of day?" Big doubts. When I got home his work bag was in the hall so I went rummaging (I know, I know) and found a receipt for a hotel from last October. I googled it and it's not the sort of hotel he would have stayed in for work IYKWIM.

I feel sick. I feel stupid. I feel hurt, angry, shocked, sad and don't quite know where to go from here.

I don't feel like I can talk to any of my friends about it yet so have come here.

Please be gentle.

OP posts:
BelleEnd · 01/03/2012 20:34

:(
But I don't get the hotel wasn't the work type thing Aren't they all the same?

Bluebelle38 · 01/03/2012 20:37

I am so sorry you are hurting.

I am a bit confused by the hotel as well. Either it was super expensive or super bad?

Original poster
sothatsitthen · 01/03/2012 20:39

It was a country house style hotel, very 'romantic' looking and expensive. Not the sort of place he would have to stay for work which would be more of a Travelodge/Premier Inn type place. And nowhere near any of the places he would have to visit for work.

OP posts:
Hassled · 01/03/2012 20:39

One receipt isn't evidence. Why isn't it the right sort of hotel? Where did you think he was last October?

You need to talk to him. Can you organise some interrupted time when he gets back? It could be everything or it could be nothing - he could be distant because he's stressed and preoccupied. All relationships have their peaks and troughs. I don't want to sound like I'm just dismissing your concerns, because they are valid concerns, but don't put 2 and 2 together to come up with 100 just yet.

Hassled · 01/03/2012 20:41

What does the receipt say on it? Just a room/amount, or any more info?

Portofino · 01/03/2012 20:42

My DH travels for work a lot and often leaves in the afternoon. Travel - plus a meal/bed and up early for a meeting the next day. Hotels tend to vary too as they normal stay close as possible - so it could a posh city centre place or a more basic hotel in the country......

I don't think what you have discovered automatically means affair.

TheCrackFox · 01/03/2012 20:43

TBH it isn't really evidence. However, your instincts have been raised do keep your eyes open.

Bluebelle38 · 01/03/2012 20:43

I agree it is a big leap. It could have been booked as the other hotels were booked out... I am also not trying to dismiss your concerns, but odd finding a receipt from that far back in his bag. Why would anyone keep it? Does he never clean out his bag out?

Do you know where he is staying this time? Does he not ever mention where he is going?

Portofino · 01/03/2012 20:43

Though thinking about it, normally you have to submit your receipts for expenses - so it be odd that he had it laying about at home.....

minceorotherwise · 01/03/2012 20:51

Well yes, he would have had to submit the receipt to claim the amount back on expenses. And expensive oversight if he didn't claim it.
Whe did you think he was last oct ? Diary in his bag?
However, the company could have had a team thing at a country house hotel ??? Or a mngt conference or some such ?
See if the hotel has any seminar rooms available to use or conf facilities?
Was it a double, is dinner included? Any sign it was more than one person?

pinkandstripey · 01/03/2012 20:53

If he travels a lot for work than I'd think that he'd have a work phone which would link to his diary?? Can't you have a look back and see where he was supposed to be at that time? (may shed some light on other times you have suspicions about ??)

Hopefully put your mind at rest - my dp stayed in a very very swanky country house type hotel for work recently - a client was paying for a group to go to a meeting in a far away city - could well be genuine :)

squeakytoy · 01/03/2012 20:54

I think you are quite possibly jumping to massively wrong conclusions. Most companies use bookings.com or an equivalent these days, and that means almost any sort of hotel may come up on the search.

My husband often leaves the afternoon before an away job, simply so that he can get there, have a decent sleep after a long drive, and be refreshed for the next day.

I used to work away myself 4 or 5 nights a week in different locations each night, and some would be travelodge or holiday inn type hotels, some would be boutique country hotels, some would be downright seedy b & b's when the hotel booker was feeling particularly spiteful!! Grin

As for the receipt, he would only have to submit a vat receipt for his expenses, so he may have been given two receipts, as has happened to me in the past.

I could be wrong, yes, he could be upto no good, but the hotel thing really could be completely innocent.

Original poster
sothatsitthen · 01/03/2012 20:54

The organisation he works for would never book somewhere like that, and it cost nearly £200 for the night.

I don't remember where he said he was; he's often away for a night here and there but he definitely wouldn't have had any reason to be in this place.

Sorry to vague but the nature of his job means I know he wouldn't have needed to go to this place as there's nothing there, or nearby, related to his job.

He hardly ever cleans his bag out! And yes work receipts would be submitted to claim back.

I do appreciate your comments and I know it sounds daft and as if I'm adding 2 and 2 and getting5 but I think I'm seeing it as evidence as it fits with all the other stuff, lots of which I haven't typed out as you'd die of boredom reading a great long post. Blush

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 01/03/2012 20:57

A double is also almost always the same price as a single.. and even when travelling on our own, both myself and husband will request a single room.

StealthPolarBear · 01/03/2012 21:02

Op I think the most importrant part of this is that you are suspicious. The hotel thing isn't proof in itself although I agree it looks bad. If you weren't suspicious you'd just be saying where did this come from? Is or definitely his? Name? Credit card ending?

squeakytoy · 01/03/2012 21:02

can you look back on bank statements and see if 200 came out and then check with his expenses the next month or so to see if it was submitted on his expenses claims...

I would produce the receipt, give it to him and ask about the place. His on the spot reaction should be very telling.

swallowedAfly · 01/03/2012 21:05

how did he pay? if he paid with a card do you have access to the bills for that card - be interesting to see what else he put on the card in that 24hr or so slot.

i don't think your instincts would be kicking in for no reason personally - unless you have a habit of worrying about this sort of thing.

maybe time to look at card statements, phone bills etc.

StealthPolarBear · 01/03/2012 21:06

Yeah just ask him! Exactly what I mean. If I found this I'd expect there to be some explanations along the lines of dh booking it for his dad as a surprise for his mum, or that was x's wedding or whatever.

swallowedAfly · 01/03/2012 21:07

you also know what your usual communication is like - i'd think if a partner usually gets put up in travelodge then gets put in a swanky country hotel one night they'd be likely to talk about it afterwards re: what a treat it was, how they actually stayed somewhere nice this time etc. but then i read some people's marriages on here and it sounds like they don't talk at all so??? you know whether he'd mention it.

MadAboutHotChoc · 01/03/2012 21:09

I agree that you need to listen to your instincts.

Being distant is a huge red flag - is he also possessive of his phone? laptop? I would do some snooping - emails (check deleted folder), internet history, credit card & mobile bills etc.

StealthPolarBear · 01/03/2012 21:09

Yeah good point saf. You'd have conversations starting "and the bathroom..."

OneLieIn · 01/03/2012 21:09

Why not just ask him?

Original poster
sothatsitthen · 01/03/2012 21:10

It's definitely his.

He didn't pay from our joint account - we have a joint account that he puts 75% of his wage into and he also has his own account. He paid from his account.

I have no access to his work diary, paperwork etc (oh sod it, might as well tell you - he's in the military so I know he wouldn't have been at that hotel for work).

I think I will do that squeaky, put him on the spot and watch carefully.

The hotel looks like the sort of place he used to book for our anniversary Sad

OP posts:
MooncupandPizza · 01/03/2012 21:11

So are you going to say something?
Do you have a plan? When are you likely to see him next?

StealthPolarBear · 01/03/2012 21:11

Ok so its not looking good :( definitely no chance he booked it for a friend who wanted to surprise someone? Though that's a bit far fetched

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