Found evidence that he's having an affair. Head in a spin.

[sothatsitthen]

(I have namechanged for this as I know some MNers in RL and I'm not ready to go public yet.)

Things with DH and I haven't been great for the last year or so.

Not bad enough to leave; he doesn't thump me or the kids or drink excessively or act like a knob. He's just, well, indifferent really.

I know he's stressed at work, and work long hours (genuinely) with some travel, but I had found myself questioning some of his overnighters away, and whilst he always had a perfectly reasonable explanation my little radar was pinging.

Combined with the fact that we hardly ever have sex or any intimacy beyond a hug and kiss hello/goodbye I felt more and more uneasy. He has never been one for words and tends to show his feelings through his actions - little notes, a bunch of flowers, making me a cup of tea; all those little things you do for someone you love. But they have been lacking lately.

Then yesterday he said he might have to go away for some meetings today and might need to stay overnight due to timings and distance. He then texted me at work at 2.45 today to say he was on his way and see you tomorrow.

I thought "who the hell heads off for a meeting at that time of day?" Big doubts. When I got home his work bag was in the hall so I went rummaging (I know, I know) and found a receipt for a hotel from last October. I googled it and it's not the sort of hotel he would have stayed in for work IYKWIM.

I feel sick. I feel stupid. I feel hurt, angry, shocked, sad and don't quite know where to go from here.

I don't feel like I can talk to any of my friends about it yet so have come here.

Please be gentle.

Completely agree with gay40. Just ask him. He will either tell the truth or he will lie. You are married to him.

Just realising I've been typing DHBS - Name changed to DHRS a couple of years ago.

You know what, I'm not going to argue with you any more. I know the rules. I also know that the funds I am talking about are in no way a threat to military security. Neither is telling you to check out this paragraph from the JSP:

The unit commander must always be content that the additional cost of NS can be justified. NS is the re-imbursement of actual expenditure, supported by receipts (See paragraph 01.0123), up to NS limits (see paragraph 03.0108), for costs necessarily incurred for overnight accommodation, food and drink during absence on duty from the permanent or temporary assignment station

re-imbursement of actual expenditure, supported by receipts See that, right there. I could go on and C&P the DHRS chapter - but I'm boring myself now. Like I said, it's my job. I inspected 72 units last year...purple units at that...and any FSA allowing public money to be used to pay for accommodation would have been removed from post.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing - good job I've got a lot of it.

Aargh

You really need to do some more snooping and digging around to get more evidence.

Such a horrible time I know but if your H is like 99% of cheaters, they will just deny and cover their tracks more carefully next time.

oh I love a good scrap

OP, I'm really sorry and I hope you find out what's going on. It sounds as though he definitely isn'
t communicating with you enough, however innocent this is - 'On my way there, bye' is not enough info for you to feel content with.

I certainly would feel anxious in an instance like that.
Good luck, take care x

Sorry, first line intended for those bickering military bods, not to OP.

I've apologised to the OP - really shouldn't have derailed the thread. I'll let you sensible people help the OP and get on with some work!

No Eve it was brill, you're both spies aren't you.

See I'm not stupid

Hehehe! God I wish, I reckon spy would be much more fun. I'm a very boring number cruncher...(this week - who knows what next week holds) I just didn't want the OP to use incorrect info in making her decision.

Hope you are OK OP

Please, lets just forget about the military and be here for this poor person.

Those of us who already belong to the club that nobody wanted to join know exactly how she feels. She is on the brink of losing everything dear to her - and I don't mean material, I mean trust, safety, what she thought she knew -

so can we please stop being thoughtless and attend to the topic. Which is her.

He is home and we have spoken.

He did book the hotel with a view to meeting someone but didn't go in the end and swears he hasn't cheated, but came very close.

We plan to talk properly later once the children are in bed. I'm not sure where we will go from here, I feel quite stunned and shocked and think this may be a turning point in our marriage. Whether it's the end of it or not I'm not sure.

Thank you for the supportive posts. It all got a bit silly so I may ask HQ to delete this thread; that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the replies.

Op -I'm so sorry.

Hope you get the answers you want, and hope you are OK

sothatsitthen

Don't feel that you need to have it deleted, those posters who thought you were overreacting were wrong, you had an instinct about this and it turns out you were right. He may not have cheated but the intention was there so you were correct in your suspicions.

There is much handholding and support on offer here should you need it.

Oh no :(
Hope you're okay OP. Thinking of you.

I can see why they thought I was overreacting, it did look a bit daft to make assumptions based on one invoice but I suppose without the 'back story' it would.

I'm so hurt.

You poor thing. Is he begging forgiveness?
And do you believe when e says nothing has happened?

Of course you are. There's not a single person who wouldn't be heartbroken. But it may be salvageable still, if he's telling the truth that he didn't go through with it. Do you think that you could both work on the relationship, make it better? Or does the fact that he came close to cheating make it seem to you as if it's too late already?
I have no idea how I'd feel in this situation, but I want you to know that he is at fault for booking a hotel, planning an infidelity... If he was that unhappy, she should have told you.

I'm surprised he has a receipt if he "didn't go in the end".

It was a booking receipt/invoice for a date the week before the stay. So not a receipt after the stay. Lizza

I'm not sure whether to believe him or not SPB, he seems believeable and was obviously upset but then he has managed to be deceitful for so long I don't know what to believe.

Belle I do want to work on our marriage and he says he does too. But there'll need to be absolute honesty and I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. I suppose it's a process and all we can do is start that process. But maybe if the trust has gone there's no point? Or can trust be rebuilt?

Oh, OP, I am glad you talked to him and I hope you will be able to come through this, if possible. As you say, it seems like a turning point so let's hope it's for the better.

I do agree with Lizzabadger that having a paper receipt seems odd if he didn't actually go in the end. I can imagine the hotel would still have to be paid for but prob over the 'phone with a credit card...