Found evidence that he's having an affair. Head in a spin.

[sothatsitthen]

(I have namechanged for this as I know some MNers in RL and I'm not ready to go public yet.)

Things with DH and I haven't been great for the last year or so.

Not bad enough to leave; he doesn't thump me or the kids or drink excessively or act like a knob. He's just, well, indifferent really.

I know he's stressed at work, and work long hours (genuinely) with some travel, but I had found myself questioning some of his overnighters away, and whilst he always had a perfectly reasonable explanation my little radar was pinging.

Combined with the fact that we hardly ever have sex or any intimacy beyond a hug and kiss hello/goodbye I felt more and more uneasy. He has never been one for words and tends to show his feelings through his actions - little notes, a bunch of flowers, making me a cup of tea; all those little things you do for someone you love. But they have been lacking lately.

Then yesterday he said he might have to go away for some meetings today and might need to stay overnight due to timings and distance. He then texted me at work at 2.45 today to say he was on his way and see you tomorrow.

I thought "who the hell heads off for a meeting at that time of day?" Big doubts. When I got home his work bag was in the hall so I went rummaging (I know, I know) and found a receipt for a hotel from last October. I googled it and it's not the sort of hotel he would have stayed in for work IYKWIM.

I feel sick. I feel stupid. I feel hurt, angry, shocked, sad and don't quite know where to go from here.

I don't feel like I can talk to any of my friends about it yet so have come here.

Please be gentle.

Let me guess. He doesn't love you anymore, it was all your fault and he WAS FORCED to do this.

Don't worry. Throw him into her loving open arms and open, loving legs. He can suck her [ ] and [ ] her 100 which ways and say 'I love you' more frantically than the last time.

But after a while? There will be no little bodies going 'Daddy! in the morning and on the weekend' and no (guessing) dog to pat, and after a while, she will start showing her awful side and being jealous of you....

Time is on your side. Hugs.

I am sorry to hear this, OP

Whose choice was the trial separation ?

I truly hope it's him that's on "trial" and not you

think carefully about that one

I told him to leave.

He asked how long for and I said "I don't know, maybe forever". We sort of left it like that.

Back late to this thread OP.

I'm so sorry (and sorry about my daft post up thread as part of the silliness urging your absence - I'll ask MN to remove it).

I guess you don't believe he hasn't cheated. It seems unlikely, and backed up by his leaving without much of an argument.

Stay here for advice and support is what I'd say, and use the time to think.

IN your absence, not urging!!! Argh stupid phone.

So sorry OP - you sound so strong though. Congratulations on taking such positive action so quickly - it's always good to trust your instincts - they are bloody useful things.

I am really hoping Charbon arrives soon...

Just to reiterate: there is a wonderful Craigslist letter which says (amongst other pithy things)

'if you are unhappy in your marriage, exactly how is fucking some slut supposed to help? Exactly how many times have you heard this working out for the best, for all involved? Do you think you are different? If so, you are deluded and need professional help.'

It is fantastic. How I wish I could find it.

In other words: his CHOICE to not open his mouth, write a letter, find a third option, is all his CHOICE. And nobody else's.

(((hugs))))

Sorry to hear you're going through this .. x

Oh dear, this is awful. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Please do keep checking in here for support. xx

sothatisitthen - I am so, so sorry. Huge hugs to you. Lots of support here if / when you need it.

:( oh op im sorry to hear that

New here, so apologies to you for not reading the whole thread, Sothatsithen. The timeframe for what has happened to you has been so short that I think you may find he is either staying with the other person or seeing her regularly. It seems men don't leave so quickly in these circumstances unless they have someone to go to.

Can I gently suggest that you work out what you want then take a strong stance on it, because this kind of situation can pull you in all directions and appear indecisive which will not help you in the long run. A trial separation almost always results in a permanent separation. I found the book 'Too good to leave, Too bad to stay' good on this.

So sorry you are going through this. I have been there too. Batten down the hatches and get as much help and support as you possibly can. I don't know what he's told you but there will be loads more he hasn't. Brace yourself. You are in a MUCH better position than him although it may not feel like it. You are hurting like hell, I know, but he will not come out of this unscathed. Far from it. There is a script that they all follow. Hold your head up high and know that you did nothing wrong, you did not cause this. Until he is honest and faces up to what he did there is no conversation to be had with him (apart from practical matters of course).