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Original poster

Found evidence that he's having an affair. Head in a spin.

114 replies

sothatsitthen · 01/03/2012 20:32

(I have namechanged for this as I know some MNers in RL and I'm not ready to go public yet.)

Things with DH and I haven't been great for the last year or so.

Not bad enough to leave; he doesn't thump me or the kids or drink excessively or act like a knob. He's just, well, indifferent really.

I know he's stressed at work, and work long hours (genuinely) with some travel, but I had found myself questioning some of his overnighters away, and whilst he always had a perfectly reasonable explanation my little radar was pinging.

Combined with the fact that we hardly ever have sex or any intimacy beyond a hug and kiss hello/goodbye I felt more and more uneasy. He has never been one for words and tends to show his feelings through his actions - little notes, a bunch of flowers, making me a cup of tea; all those little things you do for someone you love. But they have been lacking lately.

Then yesterday he said he might have to go away for some meetings today and might need to stay overnight due to timings and distance. He then texted me at work at 2.45 today to say he was on his way and see you tomorrow.

I thought "who the hell heads off for a meeting at that time of day?" Big doubts. When I got home his work bag was in the hall so I went rummaging (I know, I know) and found a receipt for a hotel from last October. I googled it and it's not the sort of hotel he would have stayed in for work IYKWIM.

I feel sick. I feel stupid. I feel hurt, angry, shocked, sad and don't quite know where to go from here.

I don't feel like I can talk to any of my friends about it yet so have come here.

Please be gentle.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 02/03/2012 16:51

Sad hope you do get the whole truth later, the receipt thing bothers me - why have one if he didn't go? Hmm

I would bet that whatever was going on started last year if not before - as you say he has been distant for a while and the reason for this is because his mind (and body?) has been elsewhere. Cheaters find it hard to justify cheating on a loving attentive wife so they start to detach, become critical etc so that they feel less guilty.

Please remember that this is not your fault - he made the decision to cheat and he decided to resolve whatever issues he is having with the marriage in this way instead of talking to you, counselling and so on.

MadAboutHotChoc · 02/03/2012 16:54

Trust can be rebuilt but its a long process and he will need to be 100% honest and open. I would ask him to hand over his personal email password, mobile phone etc so that you can check that he has been telling the truth - if he refuses, then he is still hiding things.

Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends is a good book to read and will help with this process.

LtEveDallas · 02/03/2012 17:10

I'm so sorry my love, what a shit.

If you want to let this thread stand I'll happily ask MN to withdraw my posts if you'd like? Would probably read better.

Stay strong, listen to what he has to say, but don't forget to trust your instincts - it's what got you this far.

I really wish you had been wrong. You must be devastated. If there is anything I can do, please ask.

AnyFucker · 02/03/2012 17:11

There is quite a long process involved, and an awful lot of deceit and permission-giving before you get to the point of booking the ShagPad

what is he going to say ?

a few flirty texts and bingo he's on a promise and get the room booked ? I don't think so. There are many steps to make and boundaries to cross before you get to that point (unless the woman is a paid escort, of course)

love, this has been an orchestrated run-up to something he says he wouldn't have gone through with ?

I don't believe him

ChuffMuffin · 02/03/2012 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChuffMuffin · 02/03/2012 17:12

Crosspost, sorry have asked MN to delete Blush

StealthPolarBear · 02/03/2012 17:17

LtEve, I think your posts were fine and contained info the OP probably could have used.
AnyFucker has a very good point.

swallowedAfly · 02/03/2012 17:28

yeah - you don't get from a bit of flirtation to a booked hotel room without a lot of steps in between do you?

to book the hotel things must have gone further than just a slight attraction - you don't book a hotel room for yourself and a woman you've never even kissed.

sorry op. i hope he is completely open and answers all your questions without resentment or trying to wriggle out of the conversation prematurely - it's going to take at least that to believe you have the facts. good luck.

Original poster
sothatsitthen · 02/03/2012 17:32

AnyFucker I'm not sure I believe him either. I plan to discuss it more this evening once we can talk properly.

The receipt was one of those that was a letter saying 'Dear Mr X, thank you for your booking for XXXX we look forward to seeing you then' with a credit card receipt stapled to it as if payment had been made. I find it very hard to believe that one would fork over 200 quid, arrange a night of sex in a lovely hotel and then not go due to a sudden attack of conscience...

The more I think about it the more I don't think I can get past this.

OP posts:
piratecat · 02/03/2012 17:34

sorry to hear your gut feeling was right op. very sorry.

i also feel it was more than he is saying, as alot has to happen before a hotel is booked. i don't believe he didn't go through with it either, and that he is lying to you, Where did he sleep that night then, at the posh hotel on his own?

AnyFucker · 02/03/2012 17:35

I could give him the benefit of the doubt with a last-minute change of mind/attack of the conscience, tbh...it happens, I suppose

but what has gone before to get to that point would be the deal breaker for me

he has to show you everything, OP

he has to lay bare exactly what prior meetings, communications, liasons, discussions and deceit of you has built up to this

anything less will be a lie

Original poster
sothatsitthen · 02/03/2012 17:38

AF You're right. Only full and frank disclosure will satisfy me and if I don't get that then I can't get past it. But I don't think I want to hear it IYKWIM.

piratecat I don't remember where he was that night, it was 5 months ago and he does go away overnight a bit. I can't remember if he was at home or away.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 02/03/2012 17:40

call his bluff then by saying 'well you didn't stay here that night so where did you stay?'

Hattytown · 02/03/2012 18:46

I'm sure you've been around here long enough to know OP that in this situation, cheaters will ofetn only admit to what they know a partner can prove and also the shock is so great at being found out, that people often come out with the first lie they can think of.

I hope you get some more honesty later on. Ask him to turn over his diary/schedule for the past year or so and also all his phone records for the same period. Someone with nothing to hide will hide nothing. Also, find out when he first met this woman or had anything to do with her. I think you'll find that this coincided with the distance you've noticed and that's why your marriage has seemed to be on shakey ground for a long time.

BettyPerske · 02/03/2012 18:49

I'm really sorry.

I'm glad you have got a bit of info out of him, though, that's a good sign if you're actually getting feedback from him rather than angry denials and arguments and so on.

Keep talking, talk and talk and talk. I do think that's the best way to get anywhere,

good luck pet x

passthechocolates · 02/03/2012 21:00

We are all here for you OP, no matter what you decide. x Good luck talking, I agree with AF He now has to tell you everything... trust has to be earned. Go with your gut instinct, I did and it worked for me.

Soccermom2 · 02/03/2012 21:31

Sorry your going through this OP.

If he didnt stay then surely he would have had the £200 (or a % of it) lodged back into his account by the hotel, Could you ask him to show you his statements??

AnyFucker · 03/03/2012 10:18

How did it go, OP ?

are you ok ?

Abitwobblynow · 04/03/2012 10:07

OP the trouble with 'talking' right now is that he will be in 'survival' mode and with that territory comes denial, minimising, lies, and ducking and diving.

I would not talk to him outside a counselling office. Really.

We are 3.5 years post discovery and it just goes from bad to worse (hovering on titsup, actually), because he will not talk and still blames me for all that is wrong.

Abitwobblynow · 04/03/2012 10:08

Sorry I wanted to add that what is dangerous about d & d which they do out of instinct, is that it is crushingly painful to watch and reduces trust even more.

Tmesis101 · 04/03/2012 14:29

If you ask him about it, he will be wary of you searching through his things in future. While you are still suspicious try to wait until you have more evidence, as although this doesn't look good, it isn't enough to be certain. I'm sorry you feel like hell, and it's no consolation to say it's natural.

Original poster
sothatsitthen · 04/03/2012 15:22

We talked. A lot. It was horrid and painful.

We're having a trial separation.

He's moved out.

Thank you all for your advice and support, it has been really helpful.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 04/03/2012 15:31

:(

NeverEverSometimes · 04/03/2012 15:33
arghmyear · 04/03/2012 15:34

Sorry OP.

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