Found evidence that he's having an affair. Head in a spin.

[sothatsitthen]

(I have namechanged for this as I know some MNers in RL and I'm not ready to go public yet.)

Things with DH and I haven't been great for the last year or so.

Not bad enough to leave; he doesn't thump me or the kids or drink excessively or act like a knob. He's just, well, indifferent really.

I know he's stressed at work, and work long hours (genuinely) with some travel, but I had found myself questioning some of his overnighters away, and whilst he always had a perfectly reasonable explanation my little radar was pinging.

Combined with the fact that we hardly ever have sex or any intimacy beyond a hug and kiss hello/goodbye I felt more and more uneasy. He has never been one for words and tends to show his feelings through his actions - little notes, a bunch of flowers, making me a cup of tea; all those little things you do for someone you love. But they have been lacking lately.

Then yesterday he said he might have to go away for some meetings today and might need to stay overnight due to timings and distance. He then texted me at work at 2.45 today to say he was on his way and see you tomorrow.

I thought "who the hell heads off for a meeting at that time of day?" Big doubts. When I got home his work bag was in the hall so I went rummaging (I know, I know) and found a receipt for a hotel from last October. I googled it and it's not the sort of hotel he would have stayed in for work IYKWIM.

I feel sick. I feel stupid. I feel hurt, angry, shocked, sad and don't quite know where to go from here.

I don't feel like I can talk to any of my friends about it yet so have come here.

Please be gentle.

I will ask him when he's back tomorrow OneLieIn I'm just stunned tonight, and being home alone means I've turned to MN to help sort my head out.

He does tend to keep his phone on him, and has no home laptop/email account. He doesn't get bank statements as he does it online as I do for our joint account.

I do appreciate all the posts, sorry I can't reply to them all individually.

I don't know how to start that conversation.

God what a mess.

Yousaid no he's not in that line of work, he's just something fairly straightforward.

I really hope I'm wrong. Just feel so confused.

I wouldn't confront yet. Typically when a man has an affair and is challenged, he will lie and lie until the point when there is 100% proof and he can lie no more. If he is having an affair and you confront him he will likely deny it and continue the affair but be more careful. I would see if you can root around for something else. You have enough for suspicion but no more. However you should not ignore your instincts.

i'm really sorry OP. do you have children together?

swallowed Yes we do.

Thanks everyone; I think I shall go to bed now. I do appreciate your replies.

Take care op xx

I have been in a similar position very recently, you have suspicions and I would trust your 'gut' however I agree with the other posters. You need more evidence, if you show your cards now he will lie lie lie, and then it will be harder to catch him.
Get clever... don't let on you know and wait. I know you probably feel sick at the thought of that, but stay strong.
Confronting him now will probably end up in a row, and him being 'good' for a while, but it will more than likely re-surface again.
Good luck OP

I was so sad to see that some posters have been 'arguing' with you logically. A gut feeling is a gut feeling. And as someone who has been here: OP? Yup.

Men have no imagination at all.

Phone that hotel as his PA and confirm the booking.

Do NOT say a word just yet. Put a voice-activated digital recorder in his car or tape it in the side pocket of his bag (one he is not likely to look in).

When you are ready to confront him, you will be strong and calm. Sorry I am saying this from a place of tremendous pain, but 'how could you? I thought you were my friend' just kills them.
Screaming yelling and attacking confirms you are the hideous gorgon he had to get away from. That is experience as well.

I haven't been arguing, but also didn't wanrt to come on saying a HOTEL RECEIPT the BASTARD when I genuinely thought there might be another explanation. I did say that the most telling thing was that she was suspicious.

Hi OP.

Sorry to hear this. It doesn't look good. BUT. It's not really hard evidence either. It's the sort if thing that could end up with vehement denials and slightly weak 'explanations' and if he holds his ground you won't necessarily get any further than that. He'll be warned and you'll be frustrated. If of course it's true, I really hope it's not and I think there's a chance there could be a reasonable explanation.

Can I just add my voice to those saying maybe do a bit of digging first before speaking to him. As soon as he comes home, once he's in the shower or whatever, search pockets/bag etc. if he's not being careful about getting rid of receipts etc. you have a good chance of finding something else.

But what if its genuinely nothing? Peope are basically telling her not to give up until she finds some evidence. That's not marriiage

SBP, not really- I think one of the worst case scenarios is that it IS nothing, OP confronts, he denies and because really there is little hard evidence either way he can't really convince her of his innocence either!

Once OP confronts, she loses the chance to investigate this in the knowledge that she has access to the information, so to speak. Once she confronts, her suspicious (but also realistic) side is going to assume that anything incriminating has been destroyed. So if her poor old H is innocent and starts showing her his FB etc it's going to be a case of 'Well that proves nothing, you've clearly wiped the lot, etc.'

Whereas if OP does her digging before she confronts him and finds nothing untoward, that provides more unbiased evidence that there isnta problem here. A reasonable explanation from her H then carries more weight.

Not true about the military being the only organisation where you keep the receipts (what a ridiculous generalisation.)

The key thing is that the OP has a gut feeling about it, and no amount of explaining that hotel away will ease her mind till she asks him about it. That's what adults do in an adult relationship, surely?

I stay in all sorts of hotels for work, some are paid for, some aren't, some are basic innercity ones, some are country manors, depends on lots of factors.

Just ask him ffs.

sothatisitthen - I've been where you are.

This sounds awful, but could you check his phone at all? I think just one receipt is not enough evidence & in my own experience, and from reading other posts on here, he will try and offer a plausible excuse & you won't be any the wiser.

You gut is often the best guide - but it isn't enough - if that makes sense.

Honestly, I would try and find more evidence (either way) before saying anything. If he's having an affair, he's hardly going to admit it straight away, and he'll take more care covering his tracks after that.

Yousaidwhat - "As accommodation is always paid upfront, other expenses aren't"

That's wrong.

Mil Accn is booked through DHBS, but not paid. The soldier/officer pays themselves and then claims the money back. The receipt is kept by the soldier in order to be able to claim the money back. If the claim is then audited the Admin Office keeps the receipt, other wise the soldier keeps the receipt for 2 years.

The soldier is entitled to put in for an "Advance of T&S" on the system that would give him 80% of the fee prior to his stay, but there is NO system for the hotel to be paid in advance.

Sorry to derail this thread, but I didn't want the OP to have incorrect information.

OP - I agree that £200 is way over what DHBS would be willing to book. Yes, some country manor type hotels do a special rate for HM Forces, but the receipt would still be wait he actually paid. I would be astounded if DHBS sanctioned that price (says the person who has just booked a Brig into a travelodge!). I'm sorry, very sorry, but I think your first instinct is likely to be correct.

Are you still talking military yousaidwhat? (as that is the only thing relevant to the OP) Which fund does the payment of hotels come out of then? How does your unit pay for hotels if not through DHBS? How do they get the authority from Bde to do so, and where does the money come from?

If you are still talking military then your unit is going to fail this year's AORI unless they have Budgetary Approval from the CoC...(and that's my actual job - so I know I'm not wrong)