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Original poster

Very murky behaviour from XP - or is it? Am so utterly saddened by this

179 replies

LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 11:46

Namechange as the background of this would be recognisable to anyone in RL.

ExP and I have stayed very, very good friends since splitting almost 4 years ago.

last month he recieved extremely bad news about his fathers health, he asked if i would go (along with our son) to his fathers home country. Did so that day and he very sadly died within days.

I found xp's behaviour very difficult to understand and it made an awful situation so much worse, he had been seeing someone for about 5 weeks and spent the run uo to his fathers death and the week or so after glued to his phone. It felt like we were in the way and I was struggling to understand why he wanted us there at all.

Tried to grin and bear it but came to a head after he let slip he had asked her to come out too, when she couldnt he was going to return to uk 5 days after his father died so he could keep a pre-arranged 'date' with her. I lost it with him at this point as i had been asking if we (me and ds) could return as I was worried about school and feeling very uncomfortable and drained byeverything there. He said no, or rather made me feel terrible for wanting to leave, so we stayed.

He agreed it would be completely wrong for him to leave, his mum needed him and we were there supposedly to support him.

It also became very clear that the nature of their conversations and constant messaging was not about support or any deep feelings they had for each other (which I could understand) but it was pretty much about sex Sad grubby pictures, her relaying stories about threesomes, nights outs etc.

Huge fight ensued, i felt i didnt have a clue who this man was. he then seemed to really get how it looked, how their behaviour was making a mockery of the awful situation we were all trying to deal with. He was full of remorse and anger at himself and at her. Said he was using it as an escape and could see now that she absolutely expoited his weak position because she craves attention constantly. He told her to back off (they had been messaging constantly every day, talking and video calling every chance ) told her he was ashamed of his behaviour.

She didnt take this well and demanded he talk to her (ive seen the messages) every day there would be a new drama from her, or she would try to make him jealous, even as far as telling him all about the men who were after her on the day of the funeral. He said at this point he couldnt believe how sucked in he got by her and that he could see she was a very unpleasnt person. He told her it was over.

Ive always really looked up to him, and all of this really shook how I saw him but after lots of talking, i decided to try and think of his behaviour as a blip caused by the situation. We felt closer than we probably ever have and I have continued to support him since we all returned.

I have now found out that he shagged her the first opportunity he got. They have both made an utter mockery of his fathers death, his remorse means nothing now. If he meant a word of what he said he wouldnt be able to be in the same room as her let alone fuck her. And she didnt give a flying fuck about any of what was happening and she's got a massive pat on the back for it.

I feel like they are both terribly proud of what theyve done. And im devesated, cant even make sense of it.

Am i wrong in seeing this as awful behaviour? I honestly cant see straight. It feels awful, really dont think i ever knew him at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 11:47

oh god, sorry so long....just blurting it all out its a jumble in my head and couldnt bring myself to discuss it in rl

OP posts:
maybenow · 27/02/2012 11:52

they're not 'making a mockery of his father's death' - she's being pretty callous and he's being pretty stupid but that's ok.. just try to step back a bit.. it's kind of like going out and getting drunk... it's not a good way to react but it is not the end of the world or a reflection on how much he loved his father.

i think it's probably time for you to come home and stop 'supporting' him for a bit. step back and recover your own emotions..

maybenow · 27/02/2012 11:53

you have to let him make all his own mistakes, he's an adult. don't let it affect your happiness.

AmberLeaf · 27/02/2012 11:54

ExP and I have stayed very, very good friends since splitting almost 4 years ago

When you say very very do you mean still sleeping together very very ?

If not then im a bit confused as to why you are so interested/bothered by his sex life when you split 4 yrs ago?

feedmefeedmenow · 27/02/2012 12:00

I dont get why you are getting so upset about it to be honest

what he does, sleazy or not, is now his and only his business

what you do is your business

why do you keep getting told, or snooping about what he is saying, doing, shagging? whats it got to do with you? whats the point

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 27/02/2012 12:00

People do strange and uncharacteristic things when they're grieving or under other kinds of pressure.
But however grubby the messages he was sending and getting, or when he slept with someone else, it's none of your business.
You make it sound as if you consider yourself still his wife, or perhaps his mother. For your own sake you need to back off, because he clearly doesn't feel he has to answer to you.

Nyac · 27/02/2012 12:02

It's none of your business.

Also, people sometimes do very odd things when they are dealing with grief and loss.

If you're appalled by his behaviour then the answer is not to be friends with him anymore.

Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 12:12

Thank you, I think this is what I needed to hear.
The last 6 weeks have really muddled the boundaries and I feel ive been drawn into something I have no need to be party to.
Just very sad about the whole thing and really dont want anyone in rl to know about this stuff.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 27/02/2012 12:12

As he is your ex, (and has been for a very long time) his sex life is absolutely none of your business.

Nyac · 27/02/2012 12:17

However if his sex life is none of your business, it also follows that he hasn't got the right to drag you and your ds along when he's going through difficult emotional times.

I'm a bit shocked at this actually:

"I lost it with him at this point as i had been asking if we (me and ds) could return as I was worried about school and feeling very uncomfortable and drained byeverything there. He said no, or rather made me feel terrible for wanting to leave, so we stayed."

Why on earth were you asking him if you could leave? You should have just packed your bags and gone. In fact there's a question about why you went in the first place given that he's your ex. Does he have some kind of hold over you? Because it does seem like you don't know him very well, or don't have a judgement about what sort of person he is, but are still dancing to his tune.

Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 12:19

Thank you nyac, thiat really is the crux of what im feeling.

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Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 12:23

I know far more than I ever wanted to.
I know all of it because he used me as some kind of fucking counsellor.

I tried to make him feel better about it all, tried to support him because he felt so 'wretched' heard all about the things he did and she did so he could talk it through and it was bloody hard.

And all for what? he lied through his teeth and had no itention of ending it so why the sob story? Why tell me any of it?

OP posts:
Nyac · 27/02/2012 12:26

He's using you. Disengage. You don't owe him anything except as a joint parent to your son.

You don't have to support him or listen to him or be his friend. His behaviour might be understandable but him insisting on you being there to witness is it out of order.

VanderElsken · 27/02/2012 12:26

Hi LowFlying

It must very hard to be the emotional support for somebody you care about and yet feel that you are also party to other things that make you feel a bit shit about him and yourself, for irrational but understandable reasons.

Focusing on the very sexual during times of grief is not that unusual (there's a scene in HIGH FIDELITY which I think is great where John Cusack's ex asks him to have sex with her after her father's funeral to blot out the pain). You should not be mothering him like this if it upsets you. Do what's best for you and detach if you want, but if you want to keep him as a good friend you have to treat him as you would a female good friend, give advice when asked but don't feel his actions reflect on you. It sounds a little like you're still his partner from how you describe things, you need to move on. He can have sex with who he likes, as can you. Good luck.

kodachrome · 27/02/2012 12:28

I think you need to create some more distance and give up on being 'close friends'. Amicable co-parents is what you need to aim for.

Detach emotionally from his life by not engaging with him - keep conversation to the dc and look for friendship elsewhere.

Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 12:31

I already feel clearer just having it all out.

I ahve felt bad about wanting to disengage but you all seem to be saying that I can and should. so that really helps,

I am very twitchy now about this being seen by anyone in rl and have asked for it to be deleted. If they agree to do so then I will repost with less identifying information.

Thank you all.

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squeakytoy · 27/02/2012 12:33

The next time he tries to "unburden" himself onto you just stop him mid flow and say "sorry, I really do not wish to know the ins and outs of your sex life, it is not my concern, and I would rather you keep it to yourself or discuss it with someone else".

And as kodak says, you need to stop being "close friends".. it rarely works.

Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 12:34

And the truth is theres so much more to what he has done these last weeks, I cant even bring myself to say it.

Its a fucking horrible horrible situation, so many skeletons have come out and I just need to get away from him and all of it.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 27/02/2012 12:37

They are not your skeletons though.. are they?

Unless it is details of things that went on while you were with him, and even then, you are not together now, so raking up the past is not going to help either of you.

You really dont need to have any involvment with him other than things that concern your child.

Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 12:45

The night his father died, whle he was sitting at his bedside (whilst exchanging sex texts with his gf), i was sitting back at the apartment waiting for news and got an email from some unknown person deatilaing a conversation xp had a baout me, saying what a shit mother i was, detailing my money problems, and how awful i was for splitting up our family.

I had to face him the next morning knowing all that and hiding it because his dad just died.

All of it is fucked.

OP posts:
Nyac · 27/02/2012 12:47

What is your actual required level of engagement with him? How often does he see your son? How is it facilitated?

It sounds like your break-up has been very drawn out and you're only getting to the end of it now, when you have your eyes opened about what he's really like.

Nyac · 27/02/2012 12:50

It sounds like he dragged you along to his father's deathbed to persecute you.

squeakytoy · 27/02/2012 12:50

An email from an "unknown person" ??? How would this person know your email address? Sounds like the actions of the girlfriend to me if she knew you were out there with him.

Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 12:50

He sees him very often, almost daily, Facilitated by me.

Whenever he wants, theres no formality, I tohught it was the right thing for them both.

OP posts:
Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 12:51

Yes and yes to both last messages!

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