Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very murky behaviour from XP - or is it? Am so utterly saddened by this

179 replies

LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 11:46

Namechange as the background of this would be recognisable to anyone in RL.

ExP and I have stayed very, very good friends since splitting almost 4 years ago.

last month he recieved extremely bad news about his fathers health, he asked if i would go (along with our son) to his fathers home country. Did so that day and he very sadly died within days.

I found xp's behaviour very difficult to understand and it made an awful situation so much worse, he had been seeing someone for about 5 weeks and spent the run uo to his fathers death and the week or so after glued to his phone. It felt like we were in the way and I was struggling to understand why he wanted us there at all.

Tried to grin and bear it but came to a head after he let slip he had asked her to come out too, when she couldnt he was going to return to uk 5 days after his father died so he could keep a pre-arranged 'date' with her. I lost it with him at this point as i had been asking if we (me and ds) could return as I was worried about school and feeling very uncomfortable and drained byeverything there. He said no, or rather made me feel terrible for wanting to leave, so we stayed.

He agreed it would be completely wrong for him to leave, his mum needed him and we were there supposedly to support him.

It also became very clear that the nature of their conversations and constant messaging was not about support or any deep feelings they had for each other (which I could understand) but it was pretty much about sex Sad grubby pictures, her relaying stories about threesomes, nights outs etc.

Huge fight ensued, i felt i didnt have a clue who this man was. he then seemed to really get how it looked, how their behaviour was making a mockery of the awful situation we were all trying to deal with. He was full of remorse and anger at himself and at her. Said he was using it as an escape and could see now that she absolutely expoited his weak position because she craves attention constantly. He told her to back off (they had been messaging constantly every day, talking and video calling every chance ) told her he was ashamed of his behaviour.

She didnt take this well and demanded he talk to her (ive seen the messages) every day there would be a new drama from her, or she would try to make him jealous, even as far as telling him all about the men who were after her on the day of the funeral. He said at this point he couldnt believe how sucked in he got by her and that he could see she was a very unpleasnt person. He told her it was over.

Ive always really looked up to him, and all of this really shook how I saw him but after lots of talking, i decided to try and think of his behaviour as a blip caused by the situation. We felt closer than we probably ever have and I have continued to support him since we all returned.

I have now found out that he shagged her the first opportunity he got. They have both made an utter mockery of his fathers death, his remorse means nothing now. If he meant a word of what he said he wouldnt be able to be in the same room as her let alone fuck her. And she didnt give a flying fuck about any of what was happening and she's got a massive pat on the back for it.

I feel like they are both terribly proud of what theyve done. And im devesated, cant even make sense of it.

Am i wrong in seeing this as awful behaviour? I honestly cant see straight. It feels awful, really dont think i ever knew him at all.

OP posts:
Nyac · 27/02/2012 21:09

Has he ever threatened you? Either during your relationship or since then? Either overtly or maybe subtly e.g. telling you he's been violent in another situation?

Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 21:10

No, never.

OP posts:
Nyac · 27/02/2012 21:14

You seem like you're hypnotised by him or in thrall to him in some way. I'm just wondering what's at the root of it. Maybe that he just has never let you go and is constantly in your life through your ds.

Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 21:15

This is all me.
I can see that, i have him on some stupid pedestal...like hes my measure of a 'Good Man' almost father like. I ended the relationship because there were no romantic feelings on eithe side. Strong friendship but romantic love was just not there.

OP posts:
VanderElsken · 27/02/2012 21:16

Understood, sure, but that's not really the point exactly. I was trying to make a point about boundaries. The way you talked about it originally suggested a detached ex situation and then this crazy stuff going on without motive. it's the Occam's razor conclusion isn't it? It's the most obvious explanation of events. And if the man who is supposed to love her most in the world suggests her first.... well that doesn't look good!

her being threatened or not is not the issue, as you say, but i was trying to turn it round. If he was, on any level thinking of getting back with his ex, a GF might well pick up on that and not be wrong for doing so. It turns out he has been thinking exactly that, so your relationship can't be that completely detached, not from his point of view. What I'm trying to say is that the reason you are slowly giving out information is for your own sanity but also because you don't want people to jump to the obvious conclusions, because you fear most of all that the obvious conclusion is obvious because it's right.

i totally understand that and sympathise and I have no idea if it is or not. What is clear is that you have a friendship/relationship that has boundary issues. And if you prefer that, and the associated pain and possible degradation, to a different sort of more separate relationship, you have to own it. This is something you seem more willing to do, in a faintly masochistic way, than to consider distancing yourself more from him. And that coupled with the financial and childcare and emotional demand situation worries me and makes me wince too! You sound extremely bright I'm sure I'm not really surprising you with this perspective.

Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 21:17

And yes, hes never not been present in my life. Everyone always assumes we are a married coupke and not because w are physically affectionate just cos hes always there!

I dont know what life is like without him tbh.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 21:17

are you eventually wanting another serious relationship, LFB ?

because no decent man would come near you, seeing you still so hung up on him, involved in his intimate life and witnessing him sucking the emotional life out of you

just a thought

VanderElsken · 27/02/2012 21:18

Is he a bit older than you, OP? And/or were you together from when you were quite young? This all sounds a bit co-dependent.

Nyac · 27/02/2012 21:19

You mean you've known him your whole life? Otherwise you do know what life is like without him.

AyeRobot · 27/02/2012 21:22

You know, I've learned that whenever you have to enforce a boundary (especially more than once), then you have a problem on your hands because the other person doesn't really care about you.

He is draining you, using you and it is not reciprocal. It is not your job to counsel him. You are not qualified and your relationship is too muddled for it to be healthy for you. Yes, it will feel like shit. He's set it up that way.

Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 21:23

Hes a little older, not much though. And i was with him from very young. Yes there was life before him but i was a reckless little wastrel Grin and i may as well be another person now.

OP posts:
Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 21:26

"What is clear is that you have a friendship/relationship that has boundary issues. And if you prefer that, and the associated pain and possible degradation, to a different sort of more separate relationship, you have to own it"
This, absolutely. I dont want to paint myself as some little lost soul, out of her depth. I have absolutely, thus far, chosen this situation. With eyes wide open.

OP posts:
Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 21:30

AF - i was in a relationship for 2.5 years until a couple of weeks ago.

And yes he put up with stuff no one else would have. I kept him at a distance and hurt him a lot actually.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 21:31

Eyes wide open ?

With respect, I don't think so

Perhaps now your eyes are opening

VanderElsken · 27/02/2012 21:31

You've been with him from very young and knows you better than anyone and vice versa and you've shared the most intimate thing which is having a child. That's all very very hard to let go of. There are two possibilities, either the relationship offer is something he really feels deep down and the romantic feelings aren't completely dead and he feels he will never probably meet anyone again he loves like you and then you have to deal with your response to that (my instinct would be to be very wary). Or this is something brought on by a very upsetting, mentally scarring time and actually even he doesn't really believe that deep down and you are better as friends, in which case you need to detach anyway.

If you have slept with him and stuff like that but you don't want to say so, at least be honest with yourself and take into account that this relationship really needs detaching in a proper way, involving legal, financial and custody related discussion.

You are both getting in each other's way for a future. If you were better off together, I dare say you would be by now. I would think very hard about how a poor potential partner is going to have a chance or cope with both of you getting so many of your needs met elsewhere.

Nyac · 27/02/2012 21:31

I'd say you've chosen this situation with your eyes firmly shut. You're refusing to look at him clearly for what he is.

It makes sense that you've been with him from very young. He's actually become part of you during you development into an adult, which makes it hard to let go.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 21:32

x posted

then your latest relationship wasn't a "serious" one was it

which proves my point

you kept him at bay, because your primary relationship is still with this man you have on some sort of fucked-up pedestal

Nyac · 27/02/2012 21:33

Where were your parents in all this if you got tied up with this guy so young?

solidgoldbrass · 27/02/2012 21:33

ON some level, you've convinced yourself that if you can just be patient enough, loving enough, supportive enough this man will suddenly commit to having a couple-relationship with you again, and until that happens you are not going to let go.

He won't become your perfect partner, though. He doesn't want to. He may well like both the ego-trip of being adored by you and the sheer convenience of you, but it also sounds like on some level he is actually keen to detach and disentangle himself from you (hence the showing you all these texts and rubbing your nose in the sex life he is having and is entitled to have because he is NOT YOUR PARTNER.)
For the sake of all of you, clear boundaries need to be set and enforced here. You are not a couple. You are co-parents. You do not need to connect emotionally or have any interest in each other's sex lives.

VanderElsken · 27/02/2012 21:34

I understand you have chosen the situation, OP. That reads. But don't neglect the next bit ! It is faintly masochistic, however in control you feel, because long term you are going to look back and realise that certain energies and years were poured into him in a way that, I think if you were being really honest, weren't extended to other friends or maybe even lovers.

Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 21:38

SGB - honestly, i cant emphasise enough how lacking in romantic, couply feelings our relationship has been.

I have never regretted leaving.

Only unde the circumstances of late has tha kind of stuff reared its head and i know its highly likely to have been a reaction to the upset of his fathers death. Which is wht ive said this is not something wd can consider now.

OP posts:
Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 21:41

Sorry nyac, when i say young i mean i was 20. But had had an extremely dysfunctional life until then so it seems young to me a i had no history of anything normal iyswim.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 27/02/2012 21:43

You have officially been parted for 4 years.

At this point, you should be way beyond caring about who/why/when he fucks.

You're not.

Boundaries, my friend. Time to rethink what the hell you're at. You need to move on and clearly you haven't. have you thought about seeing someone else? he's your life, isn't he?

Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 21:45

Its absolutely true that we are having our needs met by each other in a way that blocks out other people.
Its absolutely crap really but itvfeels comfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 21:46

Yes koda, i think he is or has been.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread