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Original poster

Very murky behaviour from XP - or is it? Am so utterly saddened by this

179 replies

LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 11:46

Namechange as the background of this would be recognisable to anyone in RL.

ExP and I have stayed very, very good friends since splitting almost 4 years ago.

last month he recieved extremely bad news about his fathers health, he asked if i would go (along with our son) to his fathers home country. Did so that day and he very sadly died within days.

I found xp's behaviour very difficult to understand and it made an awful situation so much worse, he had been seeing someone for about 5 weeks and spent the run uo to his fathers death and the week or so after glued to his phone. It felt like we were in the way and I was struggling to understand why he wanted us there at all.

Tried to grin and bear it but came to a head after he let slip he had asked her to come out too, when she couldnt he was going to return to uk 5 days after his father died so he could keep a pre-arranged 'date' with her. I lost it with him at this point as i had been asking if we (me and ds) could return as I was worried about school and feeling very uncomfortable and drained byeverything there. He said no, or rather made me feel terrible for wanting to leave, so we stayed.

He agreed it would be completely wrong for him to leave, his mum needed him and we were there supposedly to support him.

It also became very clear that the nature of their conversations and constant messaging was not about support or any deep feelings they had for each other (which I could understand) but it was pretty much about sex Sad grubby pictures, her relaying stories about threesomes, nights outs etc.

Huge fight ensued, i felt i didnt have a clue who this man was. he then seemed to really get how it looked, how their behaviour was making a mockery of the awful situation we were all trying to deal with. He was full of remorse and anger at himself and at her. Said he was using it as an escape and could see now that she absolutely expoited his weak position because she craves attention constantly. He told her to back off (they had been messaging constantly every day, talking and video calling every chance ) told her he was ashamed of his behaviour.

She didnt take this well and demanded he talk to her (ive seen the messages) every day there would be a new drama from her, or she would try to make him jealous, even as far as telling him all about the men who were after her on the day of the funeral. He said at this point he couldnt believe how sucked in he got by her and that he could see she was a very unpleasnt person. He told her it was over.

Ive always really looked up to him, and all of this really shook how I saw him but after lots of talking, i decided to try and think of his behaviour as a blip caused by the situation. We felt closer than we probably ever have and I have continued to support him since we all returned.

I have now found out that he shagged her the first opportunity he got. They have both made an utter mockery of his fathers death, his remorse means nothing now. If he meant a word of what he said he wouldnt be able to be in the same room as her let alone fuck her. And she didnt give a flying fuck about any of what was happening and she's got a massive pat on the back for it.

I feel like they are both terribly proud of what theyve done. And im devesated, cant even make sense of it.

Am i wrong in seeing this as awful behaviour? I honestly cant see straight. It feels awful, really dont think i ever knew him at all.

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 27/02/2012 14:09

Yes, I think you do. If you were just a friend, then I don't think he would have been so disrespectful to you. I think that you've let quite a bit of his bad behaviour go because of your history. Would it be worth talking to your friends who are not convinced by your friendship with him and see what they think? Not everyone can be totally wrong.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 16:52

huh ? His taking the piss out of you is linked to your "specific history" ?

all the more reason to cut him loose and disengage yourself from his stupid dramas

Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 18:08

Yes, i think thats what i was trying to say.

He has acted like this, dragging me into all this - and I ahve gone along with it - because he isnt just a friend, he@s an ex and this is why its all messy and boundaries are blurred.

OP posts:
Nyac · 27/02/2012 18:14

What do you get out of having him in your life do you feel?

He's been attacking you to people you don't know behind your back.

Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 18:45

Umm....

Its an easy relationship, he supports me. I like him basically.

Yes, the slating really hurt. Saying i was a crap mother is beyond any griping i ever imagined him capable of. He has said that he absolutely did not and does not think that. It was said during a period where our relationship was strained. He was just lashing out. Apparently.

OP posts:
Nyac · 27/02/2012 18:51

Do you think you might be a teeny bit in denial?

He drags you to his father's deathbed, subjects you to his sexploits and won't let you or your son leave. Now you find out he's been slagging you off behind your back.

It sounds like you've got a good opinion of him, him not so much about you. I think the "ease" that you've been feeling in this relationship, is about you negating your needs and wants and self-esteem, and letting him get his own way. He's not better than you, quite the opposite from the sound of it.

Nyac · 27/02/2012 18:52

As a matter of interest does he pay financial support for his son?

perceptionreality · 27/02/2012 18:57

I don't see why you think you're in a position to judge his current relationship? He's not evil for having an adventurous sex life, nor is that disrespectful to his father imo.

Do you think it's possible you haven't got over him or am I way off the mark there?

Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 18:59

Nyac, you have just said pretty much what my lovely sister tells me!

My answer is always " yes, i can see it would look that way but actually he puts up with far more from me than vice versa....he can be a bit sefish and blinkered but he such a good, decent person...blahblahblah"

Re maintenance - yes and no. He pays off debts that were run up when we were together so i dont have to contribute to them. So yes he pays, just not directly to me iyswim.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 19:06

whose name are the debts in ?

Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 19:06

Perception - he made a horrible situation worse fro the most ridiculous of reasons. It was uncomfortable and grubby and his mother twice caught him wanking for gods sake! Her husband is dying and her son flies out only to hole himself up in his room having phone sex or sitting by the hospital bed totally cut off from the people around him while he swapped grubby texts with someone who really didnt give a toss about him or his father.

Yes, i get that people react strangely through grief, i already gave him tne benefit of the doubt on that one but the person he claimed to be disgusted by once hed come t his senses, the person he said was a vile human being, who he said had exploited him for he own motives when he was at his weakest he then shagged the second he could.

So either he lied about his regret ove their behaviour or hes happy to fuck someone he despises. Either way, yes i judge all of that.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 19:06

and what objective financial records are you keeping of the payments ?

Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 19:07

AF, his name.

OP posts:
Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 19:08

Er....none. I trust him. Or trusted him.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 19:11

ah

Nyac · 27/02/2012 19:12

I bet your sister wants to shake you but doesn't because she loves you too much.

He should be paying for his son. He is not supporting you, he's using you.

VanderElsken · 27/02/2012 19:15

I don't understand why you're focusing on the sexual behaviour at all, OP. You're not his wife or his mother. If he lied about his regret over his behaviour he probably did so because he feared your judgement, (rightly) and is he's happy to fuck someone he despises he joins the millions of people out there who slip up and do that because they want to feel loved/are horny/stupid/bored.

Be honest. The real problem is not these character traits which, frankly, are not that unusual in an acquaintance of friend, but that he has had sex with her SINCE SHE HAS SAID OR DONE HORRIBLE THINGS TO YOU. IS that right? That he's chosen shagging her over being emotionally 'faithful' to what he said to you?
Some of the detail and narrative of this is very hard to sift out as you're holding stuff back which is okay. But really it reads like your relationship with him (and I get it, I have very close friendships with my exes) is one of the most important things in your life and you are talking about him like he is still a husband to you and his behaviour reflects on you (it doesn't.) And he is still using you in the role of a wife (asking for emotional support in a dark time). Your boundaries need to be sorted out.
You can't have it both ways. Either his sex life is none of your business and he can shag people you despise and you can quietly judge him for it, or he has a responsibility to you that's profound and defined. It sounds like you're flailing around because you feel hurt but also usurped.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 19:17

if you were my sister/friend, I would be urging you to go to the CAB and see what you need to do to sort all this out

it is, frankly, a fucking mess and seems to be completely based on your trust of a man who doesn't appear to have much respect for you at all

you are very vulnerable, I think, and you are not doing the right thing by your dc in your naivety

this is said kindly, btw, I have no wish to make you feel bad

VanderElsken · 27/02/2012 19:21

Just read the stuff about thinking you're not good enough for him. Oh OP this really sounds like something you need to detach from. It's clearly upsetting you a great deal and he seems to be able to use you for whatever support he needs, swan in and out of his son's life and not pay anything towards him officially?! This is nothing to do with the sexual exploits. This whole situation is predicated on your shaky self-esteem and belief that being close to him is worth your own pain. Trust your sister, OP. She loves you and strangers on the internet are saying the same thing. Could he possibly be getting in the way of your own future partnerships too?

Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 19:21

Hmm...i actually camt get to the nottom of why i feel how i feel but that post made me whince a bit VE, so perhaps youve hit on some truth there.

I really didnt start this thread so everyone could say gos hes awful poor you, i am trying to make sense of why i feel so gutted about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 19:22

I ended my relationship while all this was happening.

OP posts:
Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 19:23

God its a mess, thank you all so much. I really need to think hard here.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 27/02/2012 19:25

I'm afraid I lol'd at AF's question about the debts, interrupting the boys' video watching. I am a bad person. It's not at all funny.

OP, have you ever sought legal advice about the debt/maintenance issue? Don't answer me... just think about it, and if you haven't, do it now.

VanderElsken · 27/02/2012 19:34

I understand and I'm sorry for being blunt, Low. I'm also sorry you're going through so much pain. The resounding sentence from your initial post was that you felt you didn't know him at all.

One of the tricky things about remaining close to an ex is that they do change or they reveal parts of themselves that weren't there for you to see when you were with them. So we can end up feeling offended or even embarrassed about what it means about us that we were with someone like that.

You also seem quite obsessed with the 'grubbiness' of the sexual stuff with her as compared to the purity of the mourning and remorse related to his father's death. There's also quite a lot of harsh language about this woman, who, it seems, is supremely threatened by you, enough to want to cause problems between you and your ex.

Fundamentally you are shocked somewhere inside that he chose her over you, when you had so kindly been there for him through a difficult time, and she had actively and cruelly tried to cause a rift between you and the father of his children. you judge him for that, correctly. But if you were detached from him and truly moved on, your judgement would be weary and surprised maybe, but not angry.

You are angry because you feel humiliated, you dropped everything (including, perhaps, a relationship?) to rush out and be by his side when his father died, only to feel that wasn't as important as his masturbatory fantasies with another woman. You are also angry because the man you place on such a pedestal is a bit of a desperate wank-monkey. This makes you feel sad about your past, your taste and your child.

If you continue to be this close to him and to subordinate your needs to his he will always have the power and capacity to hurt you and he almost certainly will. It is your choice if you want to carry on living that way. It sounds to me like you need greater independence and esteem and to place far far greater demands on him as to the structure financially and practicality of how he relates to your DS. It sounds to me like you think far too highly of him and he now has expectations of the relationship that are going to be subtly damaging to you.

Original poster
LowFlyingBirds · 27/02/2012 20:13

You're scarily accurate, VE. Youre making more sense of my thought process than i hve been capable of.

Its also true theres a lot im not saying. Not so that can hoodwink or anything just that its a massive can of worms and im teying to get through one layer at a time.

Being there and seeing what he was going through made me feel things for him i havent felt in a long time. He told me all he wanted was for us to get back together, i said that now is not the time to think about that but maybe something to consider in the future. I made it very clear i didnot want to interfere in his relationship in any way and that it should run its course one way or another.

And then it all unravelled about her behaviour and yes, i felt very angry at her. I wondered if all the things he said about he were because he felt it was what i wanted to hear. He says no, absolutely not. But i feel guilt that perhaps he felt railroaded into painting her in a bad light? Maybe he never wanted to end it at all. I felt i was doing the right thing in confirming that her attempts to make him jealous, her demading his attention constantly was not on etc but maybe its all jealousy on my part. And how shit is that?

OP posts:
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