Need advice on various issues please - sex addict / medication / constant perceived criticism

[NomNomNom]

H and I have been living separately for almost 2 years due to this .

During this time he has been having counselling, still is, and also on antipsychotics and antidepressants. I did counselling for just over a year, which was extremely helpful as I now feel quite good. We occasionally have one or two joint counselling sessions to iron out parenting issues which we can't agree on, and ways of talking to each other. I've had legal advice so know where I stand.

One revelation from the counselling has been that H was quite seriously abused during his childhood. This explains his secretiveness and sex addiction (see other thread).

Recently we have been getting on a bit better. However, one thing which we just can't get past is that H takes everything I say as a criticism. We have talked about this in joint counselling: the counsellor said that many things I say ARE criticism - fine, but why shouldn't I say when I don't like something he does? - but some situations are just so bizarre that I don't know how we can get past this.

For example, recently H and I were talking about childbirth and what an amazing feat it is for women. He thought I was saying he is less of a person than me because he can't give birth. Seriously. This has never even crossed my mind as it is a completely outlandish thought.

It is as though when I could be seen to be doing something well it takes away from his position - we can't both be great at different things, if I'm pleased with something I've managed to do, he sees it as a criticism of him for not doing the same thing. But this is not how I think at all, it doesn't even cross my mind to expect him to do everything that I do. Similarly, because of his reaction to every perceived (nonexistent!) slight I wonder if he sees me as deficient when I don't achieve things he does.

I don't know if this makes sense to anyone. Basically, sometimes I'd like it if he said nice things about difficult things I've managed to do, but whenever I bring this up, he completely overreacts, cries, gets angry, and misunderstands my viewpoint completely. The result of his reaction is that my feelings are completely disregarded (any conversation about how he hurts my feelings turns into one about how I'm hurting his feelings by mentioning my feelings!) and we never get anywhere. It's like he has some module missing in his mind or something!

The other thing I was wondering is whether anyone has ever successfully reconciled with a (former) sex addict. I am insisting on living separately for the foreseeable future (and beyond) because I really like it, but we more or less still have a relationship. I am still trying to decide whether I want to carry on or completely call it a day. Despite all of my counselling I still haven't come to a conclusion yet.

One issue is that he will have to decrease his medication soon, and I am seriously dreading it. It took 6 months for him to find a combination which worked for him, and during those months he frequently stormed off crying or in a rage, turned up late for contact with DD, behaved erratically and was generally awful to me. This obviously makes me worried about how to arrange contact when he changes his medication as any perceived limitation of his time with DD will be met with threats of legal action etc. But this time DD is a lot older so will be more distressed by crazy behaviour and non-responsiveness (he zones out a lot).

I know I should finally 'leave the bastard', but tbh, it's more complicated than that.

Thing is, you cannot fix this man. More to the point, he doesn't actually want you to 'fix' him in the sense that he doesn't want to be turned into a monogamous husband. He might well want you to shut up and stop whining and resume domestic and sexual services while he works out better ways of covering his tracks, but there is no reason you should do what he wants.

You would feel a lot better if you concentrated on keeping the separation civil, not having shared counselling with him which is clearly always going to be all about him because he doesn't really see you as a person at all. Cut your ties as much as possible, get a structure in place for him to have contact with DD unless he starts acting so batshit that it's distressing for her, and move on with your life. You've let him eat up enough of it already.

Yes, the shared counselling is the part of your OP that stands out for me too, NomNomNom.

It just seems to be enabling your H to be totally self-centred and dismissive of your feelings.

If he loves you he will be prepared to compromise somewhere.

You sound as though you are doing really well on your own and I understand that sharing the parenting of a child means that you can't just cut all ties with him. However, you need to look after your own needs - because, let's face it, your husband isn't going to, is he?

I suppose that's what I'm asking: from others' experiences of sex addicts/abuse survivors - will he ever look after my needs?

From dealing with this catastrophic situation and living on my own with DD I have learnt that I am very strong, but sometimes it would be nice to be looked after just a tiny bit.

Counselling is usually about how I criticise him all the time, it's actually too focused on me for my liking, but he's very good at keeping his real views to himself.

Do you want to get back with him ? I wouldn't.

Whatever buzz word he has currently been diagnosed with (yes, I am rather sceptical of the "sex addiction" label) he sounds like a paranoid, inadequate, sexist fuck

don't go there

stay away would be my advice, and I would wonder why you were still having the kind of conversations where he can still headfuck you to this extent, tbh

you want to be looked ater by this pillock ? really ?

There are normal men out there, you know, if you insist on being "looked after"

best of all though, would be to never rely on any other person to "look after" you

shared relationship counselling is not recommended for abusive relationships

if there was ever a thread that proved that point...here it is

Well yes, I can cope fine without being looked after at the moment, I just think it would be nice sometimes. As for 'normal men' - I think most people have issues of some kind, but until they have a big crisis they don't realise. H and I have already identified many of the problems caused by our childhoods. With a new partner I'd have to go through a similar process again. Plus I really can't imagine meeting someone new and living with them.

Regarding the 'sex addiction' label - our joint counsellor actually advised me not to see his behaviour in that way, but I'm not sure why.

well, I can see why your counsellor told you not to see his behaviour as "sex addiction"

this (IMO) is a made-up term used an excuse for selfish, self-entitled, abusive, sexist, misogynist behaviour

and the people who use it are rationalising, excusing and condoning such behaviour

but there you go, that is just my take on it

nom, most people don't have "issues" that require making someone else very, very unhappy

really, they don't

if you want to go down the "I'm not perfect either" route, you would be doing yourself a dis-service because it implies you deserve being treated with such disrespect

which you don't

my dh has done everything yours has barr the real life women (in the flesh I mean). He has had an online affair, spent thousands of pounds of family money on online porn and his online hooker, he allowed me to spend my money on his debts when I thought he was skint. In hind sight I was too desperate to get married and start a family, but thats it, i have always been a good wife I think.
In answer to your question, we are trying to move on, I am trying to forgive, but to be honest, I feel unable too. I resent so much that i have been lied to for the majority of my marriage, sex is completely off the agenda since I found out about the webcam stuff ( he left himself logged in) that was in October and my baby girl was only 10 weeks old. I do not want to have sex with him again. I feel unable to let go of any of it. He says he has stopped and I have passwords to everything and bank statements but I think he has killed it. I just feel so sorry for my chidlren. Saying that we wil probably limp on for god knows how long until it becomes untenable because otherwise it feels flippant to split. But I don't love him the same way anymore. I am so sad. I hope you manage to fix your relationship.
x

tuffin, I am really, really sorry

you soud so unhappy

"flippant" to split ?

really ?

you would be doing yourself, and your dc, a favour to distance yourself from such an inadequate man

I hope you find the strength to do that, and realise that limping along in such a soul-destroying relationship is not good for anybody, least of all your dc

Screw what i said in my last sentence. I reread your op. You have made the move, do not go back. You said you like being on your own. That says it all!!!! I am jealous, I wish I had my own bedroom and my own bed and my own space. I wish I was in your shoes, made the break but a few months on and the hurt is beginning to heal. I dread the break so much that I feel unable to make it. Best of luck

tuffin, you know you would get support here if you posted your own thread x

Sex addicts are extremely self centered. I think he needs more professional help than just a councsellor, has he seen a psychiatrist?

You are possibly just enabling his self centred attitude towards you by taking part in these joint sessions. You either need a much better councsellor who is experienced in working with sex addicts or else impose some stricter boundaries and just don't go.

crossed posts af. yes you are right. I am just up to my tits in small children at the moment and am biding my time. yes I am very sad, flat I would say. Just got to get atleast one of my babies in school and maybe I can think straight enough to see a solicitor etc. Sorry Nom for the hijack x x

tuffin, if you are not quite ready, at least stick around and lurk, and read and gain strength over time, yes ?

we will be here, when you ask us to be

in the meantime, start slowly and surely gaining and nurturing your RL support

maybe confide in a couple of trusted friends/family and take it from there

I am so grateful someone else posted on this:

one thing which we just can't get past is that H takes everything I say as a criticism. We have talked about this in joint counselling: the counsellor said that many things I say ARE criticism - fine, but why shouldn't I say when I don't like something he does? - but some situations are just so bizarre that I don't know how we can get past this.

For example, recently H and I were talking about childbirth and what an amazing feat it is for women. He thought I was saying he is less of a person than me ...

It is as though when I could be seen to be doing something well it takes away from his position - we can't both be great at different things, if I'm pleased with something I've managed to do, he sees it as a criticism of him for not doing the same thing. ...
The result of his reaction is that my feelings are completely disregarded (any conversation about how he hurts my feelings turns into one about how I'm hurting his feelings by mentioning my feelings!) and we never get anywhere. It's like he has some module missing in his mind or something!

This is the crux. The 'problem' - (s addiction, alcohol, affair, fill in the blank) to me actually revolves around, or is part of a wider pattern, of THIS.

Thank you so much for posting. It is the most lonely, futile place. Does anyone have any comments?

Tuffinmop, I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. I suppose it gets more difficult to get out the more time passes. The first thing I said when I found out was that he'd have to move out, there was no question for me. It was the most awful feeling I can imagine, it was so difficult, but once that was done I was able to have my own space which is vital to my own mental health I find. Interestingly, like you I was also desperate to be married and have a family. I suggest doing some counselling and reading up on what it means to be codependent.

I do not intend to live with him again any time soon, but I also can't imagine living with anyone else.

H is seeing a psycho-sexual counsellor. Ideally I would like him to be 'monitored' by someone - at the moment he only sees his GP every couple of months, I think it would be better if this was more frequent so the GP has a better overview of how he's doing. I'd also like more insight into his treatment, but I know neither the GP nor counsellor can tell me anything.

He has been doing ok recently. Not great, but he's been mostly stable, though things have been deteriorating compared to a few months ago. Another reason why it worries me that his dosage will be lowered - if he's deteriorating at the same dosage, surely a lower one would make him worse? It also frustrates me that H is not at all proactive about his treatment. He should be having regular bloodtests as his antipsychotic medication can potentially cause serious health effects, but he's only had 1 in over a year, no baseline and no monitoring by the GP, and H is not chasing it up.

I also know that he could be telling the GP anything he likes, so I have no idea if the GP is aware of how serious the situation is. Sometimes H seems close to being suicidal, and when it's someone else's situation it's so easy to suggest calling police/ambulance/crisis team, but in real life it's never clear cut and I'm never sure whether things are bad enough yet.

Abitwobbly - you're so right about it being a lonely futile place!! It's so frustrating when he misunderstands EVERYTHING I say.

you want a comment on that mindset you described, wobbly ?

can't you see what is staring you in the face ?

selfishness

complete, intractable, ingrained, inescapable, illogical, entitled, immutable, inexplicable, impeachable selfishness

there is no cure for it

all you can do is remove yourself from it

Why are you bothering? If you can't imagine being with anyone else, be on your own. What do you get out of this relationship? Really? Because I can't see a single positive thing from what you've written.

nom
so sorry to hijack. It sounds like you are out of it and you should stay that way. I deeply regret not leaving or chucking him out when i found out, but then I wouldnt have my little girl. Iwas just in shock and did not know how to handle it. Now I wish he would do it again so I can just kick him out. He doesn;t even know how strongly I feel. I plod on and try to keep it normal for the kids. Bigs hugs and chin up x

NomNomNom unfortunately I can imagine living with someone else now: myself (and peace). The thought of looking for someone else is literally boak, but the thought of being at peace, happy and living life is starting to sound great (and believe me, I could have been put in the dictionary as Mrs Co-dependent, I lived for and through him)

We have been married 20 years and the issues are still the same as when we were going out. How STUPID I was to think I could change him, and show him a different way!!!!! The only difference now is that I have stopped trying to reach him (result always the same: I am 'abusive' and 'aggressive' as Nom describes, and he withdraws for hours) and I have really realised that I and the marriage are not the problem. This is way from his past and it doesn't look as though he has any intentions to confront these things or leave his strong defenses (denial, withdrawing) that have no room for me. :(

you seem to have physically separated from him, but you are far away from mentally separated - that last post where you think someone should be monitoring him???
Why???
He is a grown man and is responsible for his own recovery - its not up to you to be checking up, although I understand that you think he could be putting himself at risk, but really, that is HIS problem. Though I expect he likes the drama of it being your problem, and the more chaos and mind fucking around you, the more you are still caught up in his games and unable to detach and find yourself someone decent who WOULD look after you a bit.
Or a damn sight more than a bit.
I dont know why you are going to joint councilling - any councillors worth their salt know that they cannot do couple councilling where there is abuse - it just gives the abuser ammunition to use at a later date - you already admit that they spend most of the time talking about how you and what you do - he has got the councillor 'on side' and they are both making you feel as if you are to blame here.
you are not. I understand you say its about parenting difficulties, but thats a smokescreen. Let him parent his way, you parent yours.
The less you have to do with him the better you will feel - you already acknowledge that. If he cranks up the emotional blackmail and starts bleating about killing himself, call the emergency services - you are not a suicide councillor, let the professionals deal with him.

And yes, we all have stuff to deal with from our childhood, but not usually so much, and it doesnt mess everyones lives up so much that we become abusive. We would all be killing ourselves if that was the case, and truth be told most people are having pretty good relationships, once you get outside this relationships board. Dont waste and ruin your life because of this tossers problems.