Need advice on various issues please - sex addict / medication / constant perceived criticism

[NomNomNom]

H and I have been living separately for almost 2 years due to this .

During this time he has been having counselling, still is, and also on antipsychotics and antidepressants. I did counselling for just over a year, which was extremely helpful as I now feel quite good. We occasionally have one or two joint counselling sessions to iron out parenting issues which we can't agree on, and ways of talking to each other. I've had legal advice so know where I stand.

One revelation from the counselling has been that H was quite seriously abused during his childhood. This explains his secretiveness and sex addiction (see other thread).

Recently we have been getting on a bit better. However, one thing which we just can't get past is that H takes everything I say as a criticism. We have talked about this in joint counselling: the counsellor said that many things I say ARE criticism - fine, but why shouldn't I say when I don't like something he does? - but some situations are just so bizarre that I don't know how we can get past this.

For example, recently H and I were talking about childbirth and what an amazing feat it is for women. He thought I was saying he is less of a person than me because he can't give birth. Seriously. This has never even crossed my mind as it is a completely outlandish thought.

It is as though when I could be seen to be doing something well it takes away from his position - we can't both be great at different things, if I'm pleased with something I've managed to do, he sees it as a criticism of him for not doing the same thing. But this is not how I think at all, it doesn't even cross my mind to expect him to do everything that I do. Similarly, because of his reaction to every perceived (nonexistent!) slight I wonder if he sees me as deficient when I don't achieve things he does.

I don't know if this makes sense to anyone. Basically, sometimes I'd like it if he said nice things about difficult things I've managed to do, but whenever I bring this up, he completely overreacts, cries, gets angry, and misunderstands my viewpoint completely. The result of his reaction is that my feelings are completely disregarded (any conversation about how he hurts my feelings turns into one about how I'm hurting his feelings by mentioning my feelings!) and we never get anywhere. It's like he has some module missing in his mind or something!

The other thing I was wondering is whether anyone has ever successfully reconciled with a (former) sex addict. I am insisting on living separately for the foreseeable future (and beyond) because I really like it, but we more or less still have a relationship. I am still trying to decide whether I want to carry on or completely call it a day. Despite all of my counselling I still haven't come to a conclusion yet.

One issue is that he will have to decrease his medication soon, and I am seriously dreading it. It took 6 months for him to find a combination which worked for him, and during those months he frequently stormed off crying or in a rage, turned up late for contact with DD, behaved erratically and was generally awful to me. This obviously makes me worried about how to arrange contact when he changes his medication as any perceived limitation of his time with DD will be met with threats of legal action etc. But this time DD is a lot older so will be more distressed by crazy behaviour and non-responsiveness (he zones out a lot).

I know I should finally 'leave the bastard', but tbh, it's more complicated than that.

does it matter if he has MH issues or not? Its an excuse not a reason to put up with it, and MH issues do not make you abusive per se (I think there is a thread on this very subject) but some people can try to make it a green light to behave badly.
Sometimes i think we search for a reason behind why someone is abusive, to explain in our 'normal' minds how someone can be so low down and nasty in behaviour at times. I wonder if this is more for our own benefit, as it gives an explaination that isnt the one which says that he is just nasty.
Sadly most of the time, he is.
And a MH issue or childhood abuse do not excuse abusive behaviour btw, and doesnt mean that you need to stay engaged. If it IS the case, then what he needs is professional help - you cant fix him by altering yourself, HE needs to take the steps to correct his own behaviour.
If i were you i would get a copy of the Lundy book and start reading soon. He dispells these 'childhood abuse/mental health' myths right back where they belong.

Hi, I am very sorry for what you have been through.

I agree with everything DoMeDon said.

I think it is possible that the zoning out is connected to your H's childhood sexual abuse. One of the effects of sexual abuse can be dissociation, especially if dissociation was learned as a child as a response to dealing with the trauma of being abused (it may have been the only way of escaping from the abuse), as it can become a primary method of dealing with stressful situations long after the abuse has stopped.

I have done some reading to try to understand how my DH's childhood sexual abuse has affected him. 'Beyond Betrayal' by Richard B. Gartner talks in some depth about dissociaton, and I would really recommend 'Victims No Longer' by Mike Lew for anyone trying to understand the effects of sexual abuse. Among other things he talks about how some men compartmentalise sex into activities that a purely sexual in nature, such as porn, prostitutes or anonymous sex. This isn't because of the way they see women, but because of their confusion around sexual feelings as a result of what they were taught as children. He also talks a lot about perfectionism, as a result of
their feelings of unworthiness. My DH also seems to takes it as a criticism when I disagree with him about anything, and I think this is due to his lack of self esteem. He doesn't just need to do well, he NEEDS positive affirmation, to be told he is doing well.

Your H's abuse doesn't excuse his behaviour, but it may help explain some of it. I believe that recovery is possible, but it is hard and HE has to own it, you cannot do it for him. All the best

"I find it helpful too to think about his behaviour in terms of addiction as that helps me get away from the idea that he did what he did because I'm not attractive to him or not willing to have sex often enough "

How about the third option that he's a nasty faithless bastard who did what he did because he felt entitled and because he decided he could.

You're happy to blame addiction or yourself for his behaviour, how about holding him accountable for it instead. After all he's the person who made the choices to behave like this.

I think you're putting up with the way he treats you because as you've said your family was awful to you. From a very early age you've been taught the lesson that people who you love will treat you like this and you have to tolerate it. Don't believe what you've been taught. You don't have to put up with treatment like this. It's healthier being away from it. It's also setting your dd a very bad example to see you putting up with it and hankering after someone who treats you so badly.

Smiles - bipolar disorder has been mentioned as a possible diagnosis, when I looked it up it seemed to fit, but what do I know! He definitely seems to do some 'cycling'. Thanks for your perspective, and sorry it's so hard for you. I can empathise with your DD as my dad's moods were unpredictable when I was growing up (sulking and tantrums rather than shouting).

Nettle - I am not trying to fix him, but I will keep examining my motivations to check if this is true. I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour. He does use his mental health issues as an excuse, but I am usually aware of this, and it puts me off him more. He just argues it so well - change is difficult to implement blah blah blah. Of course it's much easier to analyse one's own behaviour in retrospect than do anything about it in advance!

trying - thanks for pointing out the dissociation. He has had issues with this, I just didn't know it could take place in everyday life. Can it? Will check out the books you recommended. The weird thing about my H is that although (I think) he might be a perfectionist at work, he's happy to turn up looking really scruffy, old shoes, torn/dirty/creased suit etc.

Nyac - Although views like yours help me to keep some distance from H, the fact is that he has mental health problems, so I want to take them into account. At them moment I think I'm trying to find the balance between giving him the benefit of the doubt/thinking he will sort himself out vs. he is just like that and not interested in changing because it works well for him or he is just incapable of changing despite wanting to.

I do worry a LOT about the effects of all this on DD. My counsellor couldn't tell me whether she is being exposed to too much erratic behaviour, and she couldn't tell me conclusively who to ask. Does anyone have any ideas? I saw a solicitor a while ago who seemed to think our current set up was ok.

Mental health problems don't make a person act abusively or faithlessly. I think you know you need to stop making excuses for him. It'll hurt a lot but it will be better than the slow wearing away you're going through at the moment together with the harm you will do to your daughter. Why is your energy focused on thinking about and fixing him, how about focusing on nurturing your daughter and yourself. There is one person here who needs taking care of - it's not him, it's not you, it's her.

I would stop worrying about the effects and start setting up boundaries with him so he is unable to affect her.

How badly do you have to have been treated in life to make excuses for a man who has used paid webcams and been enquiring into prostitution use (if that's all he's done - I doubt it).

Most women would walk away, and not bother trying to give him the benefit of the doubt or that mental health problems make a man behave in this disgustingly misogynistic manner. They also might think it was worth protecting their children from his unhealthy influence.

What Nyac said.

every letter of it.

Your DD IS being harmed by this. To think otherwise is naive and actually potentially neglectful. Sometimes we have to make tough decisions for the greater good.

this is precisely one of those moments.

So what do you suggest I do to keep DD safe? I can't stop her contact with her dad because from what I know a court/social services wouldn't find the risk great enough - he feeds her, plays with her, takes her to the playground. What he did is wrong (IMO; though some people find it acceptable), but has nothing to do with her. So I'd be rocking the boat for nothing. I might even be worse off as at the moment I can usually convince him to do things the way I want, ie no overnight stays.

So what should I do?

You need to talk to your solicitor about his erratic behaviour and the worries you have about its effects on your daughter and see what you can do about it.

I don't think there's anybody who would say that making enquiries about prostituted women when a man is married is acceptable, or paying for web cam sex for that matter. Where do you get the idea that there are people who think it's OK? Maybe the people who do it.

My solicitor said I should play it by ear. I will have to see how it goes when H changes his medication dosage, but we've already agreed that he will accept not seeing DD on the days he is worst, or seeing her while I'm there.

Some people think it's fine to do what he did. Some people have that kind of 'relationship contract'.

While I am grateful for your views, I was kind of hoping for something more nuanced. I have already left the bastard. It's been almost 2 years during which I've done a lot of thinking and developing, and got some distance (albeit possibly not enough). Now I'm just wondering about adjusting to medication changes and all the other stuff.

How often does he see her.

Why do you ask? Half days at the weekend and gives her dinner some weekdays.

Well the more she's exposed to his erratic or weird behaviour then the more harm done obviously.

Yes. However, I know that any reduction in weekday contact will lead to increase in weekend time. So I have to find out if longer times or the stress of getting dinner done on time is more difficult for H so he only sees DD during times he can cope well. He is already grumbling at my insistence on earlier bedtime meaning more dinner stress and less weekday time.

Because you have kids together and he has a mental illness, I think you are in it for the long haul. But not as his "wife". I think in your mind you are going to have to put yourself in a different role, maybe one of Health visitor(?) (forgive me, I'm in the US - I'm not sure what you call visiting nurses, caretakers) or friend. You will need to know where his moods are, where he is in his mental health issues on a regular basis so that you can judge whether he is safe for your daughter. But you don't have to be a wife to do that. You can step out of that role.

If my DD were my H's DD, I would have to stay involved in his life far more than if he were normal and we divorced. Just because he has a mental illness and is an ass, doesn't mean that our social workers here or the courts are going to say he can't see her. 95% of the time, my H is safe. Even our counselor would have to say he was safe with her. It is the other 5% of the time, when meds get forgotten or taken late or if he needs any kind of narcotic for pain for any reason that he would become unsafe. And because your H is your DD's Dad and would have rights to see her, you will likely have to stay involved on some level. I would want to know.

But you don't have to be in a wife role to do that. Your relationship can morph into something entirely different with no goal of going back to being the traditional family.

As an example of what can happen when meds change or don't work correctly for someone with a chemical imbalance - when my H cycles up and down, there are days where he lies in bed all day and does absolutely nothing. I poke him every now and then to make sure he is still breathing. On days when he is up in his cycle, he can do a thousand things - all at once it seems. In either case, if he stays up or down for a lengthy period of time, irritation starts to build. The more the irritability, the more the instability. One time it culminated with him backing me into a corner with a gun held to his head trying to get me to kill him. Yes, there was intimidation and manipulation in there, yes he could have controlled some of that. But, he ended up sectioned (I think that is what you call it - we call it being put in a mental hospital) after I called the police on him. In the hospital, the pychiatrists found that he was on the wrong medicines all along for his condition. Oh - and he was on narcotics for pain - a big no no for someone with mental illness as that can lead to very unreasonable dangerous behavior. Sleep issues - if there is any insomnia - which can happen to someone with mental illness if their mind races and doesn't slow down so they can sleep - if this is not addressed, the lack of sleep increases irritability, increases anger, increases sensitivity to slights, paranoia, etc... this can cause problems.

I know where you are coming from. It is more complicated, and we do act codependently, because it is very difficult to know where to draw the line when there is a child involved. They are unstable, but not to the point where they are too dangerous for kids.

I think you are right on with the shorter time periods for your DD to spend with her dad. The shorter time periods - the less time he has to negatively react to anything and the less time means she will see less of a pattern to his behavior.

Your husband sounds like a full blown narcissist , and his anger and outbursts sound like typical narcissistic rage . I honestly dont know why you are still investing in him .

OK, from your post it sounds incredibly like you are seeing everything in terms of how it affects you, yet he is giving direct and obvious signals that he feels entirely unappreciated. You say that you talk about how great it is to be a woman, how a lot of the things you have done are impressive, and successful, and then you ask him to complement you more on your fantastic and difficult achievements. I would imagine that he feels like he can never get you to feel that anything he has done is impressive, before you are talking about how wonderful/difficult you are and how women can do amazing things - perhaps this is your manifestation of not feeling appreciated either, but the two behaviours are obviously feeding negatively on each other.

If this was a work situation, and I had a member of staff who was feeling everything critically, I would boost that person's ego relentlessly - I had a good boss once who did this for me, introducing me at meetings as the person proposing ideas, doing all the work, and that I was an asset - once you genuinely believe you are appreciated, your emotional bank sort of flips into credit and you start sharing and complementing back - we all have to help each other out of a hole and if you are both in it together then rather than saying 'I'm not going to lift you up until you lift me up', it better that you work together.

Also just listen to this - you go to counselling, and the unresolved issue is that he feels criticised constantly, the counsellor agrees that not only is he feeling criticised, you are making criticisms. Instead of taking this on board you say 'why shouldn't I say what I'm not happy with' and carry on as before, then you go back to counselling, and surprise surprise the unresolved issue appears. I think that you are feeling the pressure in counselling because its you who are not breaking the cycle. I hope this isn't fuelled by the usual 'leave the bastard' crew on here who will take one unscrewed toothpaste cap and turn it into 'not listening to anything I say' - can you see the mirror that is held up by this type of poster?

I disagree.

I don't know if this makes sense to anyone. Basically, sometimes I'd like it if he said nice things about difficult things I've managed to do, but whenever I bring this up, he completely overreacts, cries, gets angry, and misunderstands my viewpoint completely. The result of his reaction is that my feelings are completely disregarded (any conversation about how he hurts my feelings turns into one about how I'm hurting his feelings by mentioning my feelings!) and we never get anywhere.

I think this is where he is

1. shifting all blame back to her
2. making himself look like the wounded party
3. denying her right to any feelings
4. making everything all about him, him, him
5. avoids having any conversation about how his actions might affect others
6. avoids accepting responsibility

If he continues this, someone with a lower self-esteem may eventually stop bringing up their feelings and how he has hurt them and hold it inside. The abuser has broken down a barrier and can continue unimpeded by these conversations.

OP, I think you should compliment him when it is warranted. And I'm sure there are days where finding something to compliment may be difficult... like ummmm.... Great job matching your socks with handling DD's bruised knee today! (sorry for the sarcasm - its hard for me to find something here to compliment). But I definitely think you should not stop talking about your feelings. I think when he starts with his manipulative ways you should quietly say this conversation is not about you this time, it is about me. My feelings are important and I have a right to be heard. Stop talking and listen to what I have to say.

Diggs - I have wondered about the narcissism aspect. I know if he is a narcissist then there is no hope. The problem with online diagnosing though is that it always fits - my mother seems like a narcissist too, and sometimes I wonder if I am one, perhaps the only proper one, thus causing all these problems.

Betty - You sound like my H! Trust me, he talks about how great he is all. the. time. He often says that he gets the impression that I don't think his job, for example, is very good, when I really do think his job is amazing, and he clearly must be doing amazingly well, even more so considering the current situation for his type of employer. I can't get through to him with anything, not my feelings, not how great I think some of his actions and achievements are sometimes.

I'm not going to compliment him on every little thing to boost his ego because I am not his employer and he is not a child. When I appreciate something he's done, or he's handled a situation well, I tell him so because that's polite and I want to show him that his actions have consequences - positive when he's thought about things, negative when he's been weird.

I know I'm not breaking the cycle, and that I need to, and I am working on that. But the fact is, sometimes I don't like what he does. Sometimes I decide it's not worth telling him because of his reaction (so he's already trained me well), sometimes he needs to be told.

Smiles - thanks for backing me up there, and for explaining some of your situation, which doesn't sound easy. I didn't know about the interaction between narcotics and antipsychotics/antidepressants.

H has had some pain issues and is more liberal with painkillers (over the counter or prescribed) than I would be. He also drinks (small, afaik) amounts of alcohol, which is a no no, as far as I can tell from online information about his medication, but there is no way of convincing him.

I know it's possibly the depressive side of things, but I really wish he could take some initiative when it comes to his health. He is supposed to have regular check ups for his medication, and he just doesn't organise them. When I was on antidepressants I found that treatment is much more consistent when you see the same GP regularly and frequently, and mine were just the 'average' tablets that most people get, his are more serious.

He presents his GP as very relaxed about these issues, and god knows what he's told him about his situation, but it's infuriating when he's clearly deteriorating or struggling, yet doesn't do anything about it. (No, I'm not booking appointments for him.)

On thing to note: Once you get to the point where you have addressed everything that is mental health related, you may very well find that he is still abusive and manipulative. That is not a mental illness issue. That is simply abuse. That's where I have found myself. Yes, my H has a mental illness but he is an abuser to boot. I was supportive of my H through the mental illness issues but those have been counseled to death and he is stable on meds. He is still abusive - It has nothing to do with his mental health and everything to do with his lack of respect for me. He can be respectful to everyone he sees in public, but not respectful at home. That's where it becomes his choice in how he treats me. And his choice is to abuse me.
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Has he pulled the "If you want me to get better or stay on this medicine, then you need to make my dr appt / refill my medicines for me" line yet?

It IS pulling teeth to get my H to take any initiative for his health. What works for my H's mental health is that he doesn't get his prescription for sleeping pills if he doesn't keep his psych appts which means he is up all night for many nights straight.

My H's psychiatrist makes him come in regularly and works hand in hand with his counselor. The level of stabilizing med he is on can be measured in the blood so my H has to have regular blood draws to make sure the level is correct.

Some narcotics can cause a feeling of nervousness or a false sense of well being. Rarely they can cause depression, which in someone already depressed can greatly increase that likelihood and depression. I want to say I'm talking about prescription narcotics, not over the counter stuff, but that is the case here in the US. I'm not sure what your medicine regulations are over there.

The psychiatrist my H is seeing can see through the "front" that my H puts up for him. Plus the psych talking to the counselor who the H sees weekly helps. But, the pyschiatrist is specialized for this kind of stuff. What I did is make my H sign a permission form that gives me the right to find out everything talked about in his psychiatrist and counseling appts. I can also give them information about him. He has no privacy when it comes to me regarding those two things. It is not up for debate here. He either does it or he's out.

Something fairly common for some on antidepressants is that they start to feel better and then think they don't need the meds because they feel good so they go off them, then start to feel bad and go back on them and then feel better, so off... A vicious cycle that not every depressed person realizes.

Thanks for posting again. It sounds excellent how your H's psychiatrist and counsellor are working together. My H'a situation differs from yours in that

• he doesn't have a psychiatrist, just a GP. Sometimes I wish he had a psychiatrist, but his GP specialises in mental health, so I suppose that's quite good.
• his counsellor is private, not going to work with his doctor.
• even if H gave permission for me to get information from the dr and counsellor, they'd still not be allowed to tell me anything. Such is patient confidentiality in the UK.

He doesn't want me to book his appointments and takes his medication like a clockwork, so that is really good. He now has a good overview of how the time at which he takes his tablets affects how he feels.

Same with bloodtests - he's supposed to get them regularly but has had one in over a year, and his dr doesn't insist.

If I could just revive this thread... need to vent/whinge!

As it was Mothers day today, we spent most of the day with H at my house, he brought nice flowers and a homemade card from DD, so that was lovely. It's just that I was SO uncomfortable with how he was today. He is quite, ahem, large, and my house is quite small. So when he sits down on the floor anywhere, like at bathtime or to play or whatever, there is no room to get around him.

Today he was sitting down somewhere and DD wanted to get past him to get to her toys, and he just wouldn't move - he just didn't get it at all that he was completely in the way. In the end she fell over and hurt herself because she was climbing around behind him while he sat on his arse ignoring her. I told him (impatiently) that she was trying to get past, but he just didn't move.

It's like he just doesn't realise quite how much space he is taking up. I'm really sorry, I hope this doesn't sound like a rant about bigger people in general, it's his slowness and general ignorance that annoys me. He could have just stood up because he was sitting down because of DD in the first place!

The other thing that made me feel really weird is how he was touching DD. I've been uncomfortable for a while with how he picks her up by the waist and strokes her at her waist rather than pick her up by her armpits etc, but today he just kept touching her in little ways that were really unnecessary, like gently poking her tummy to emphasise words he was saying or putting his hands on her tummy or shoulder etc.

He kept doing this even when she kept saying no and moving back, but because he was doing it as a sort of game with laughing and she was sort of laughing while saying no, I guess it was easy for him to see her saying no as part of the game iyswim.

One thing I thought we agreed on I thought though, was that we would respect her personal space, so lots of cuddles, but if she shows any signs of being uncomfortable, or she says no, we'd stop immediately to show her it's fine to say no to touching and that people should respect that. He seems to be going against this now, and I really feel horrible about it.

At one point I felt so awful about how he was being with DD that I asked him to stop touching her so much in front of her, which also goes against what we agreed in that we both don't want to undermine each other in front of her, but I just had to get him to stop asap, it was a really weird feeling. DD then got a little upset and told him to stop touching her as well, which he took as a sign that I was damaging her by making her feel conflicted about him. I see his point, it's what i think my mum did with me regarding my dad, but I had to make him stop. Of course he immediately did the 'what are you accusing me of' thing, he always gets extremely defensive when I mention this kind of thing.

I really hope this doesn't sound too crazy. I don't think he's abusing her because she's usually happy to see him and go to his place, always comes back wearing the same clothes etc., and it's obviously not sexual touching, and also he has her on his own so often that if he wanted to do something he definitely wouldn't do it at my house while I'm there. I want DD to grow up with lots of cuddles and affection from both of us, and I feel fine about it when she has proper cuddles with her dad. So why do I feel so uncomfortable about this touching thing?!

This is quite a long post, I'm sorry. I just needed to get it out, and I can't talk to anyone about it. It's a bizarre feeling, but obviously there's no evidence of anything going on, because there probably is nothing going on. How do I get him to give DD more space without making him feel like I'm calling him a paedo?

Tiny bump...