selfish behaviour

[tillytips]

Hello,

Am furious, nobody else to rant at so am typing furiously, please forgive any spelling mistakes.
I have just found out that my husband had a bonus from work two years ago of £11k and never said a word. Not a thing. I was looking for a P60 as im trying to figure out if i'll lose my child benefit next year and i came across a wage slip from April 2010.
I am devastated. I cant work full time because of school runs etc etc, so i work part time, i've lost my tax credits because he earns too much and will now lose my child benefit. This comes directly to me as my "wage" if you like for nto being able to work full time. so i'm going to lose all that. I've taken on a clening job so i can make ends meet and then i find this out.
We ahve seperate bank accounts, i struggle constantly, he clearly doesn't, i pay for the kids stuff, phones etc out of my meagre wages.

This has always been a problem, whilst i was pregnant and couldn't work (self employed at the time) he didn't give me a single penny, my parents bought me maternity clothes as he wouldn't. I went back to work when my baby was two weeks old.

I've no idea where the money is, he is famously tight as a ducks arse, so its sitting somewhere in one of his numerous bank accounts, he certainly hasn't spent it. He doesn't buy anthing ever, and we don't go on holiday.

Don't get me wrong i'm not expecting him to have given it to me but not telling me is unforgiveable.

I've supported him and his job for a long time, he works away from home a lot and i'm left to do everything by myself. He has been suffering from stress recently and i found out he was confiding in a female work colleague, i knew nothing about the situation as he doesn't tell me anything. I let that go because of his health, but this has been the final straw today.

Ok, rant over.

How awful

I don't know what to suggest

Did you know he was this bad before you married?

Does he have any redeeming features? Any good reasons excluding your DC why you should stay together?

You've been treated so unfairly I don't even begin to know what to say to you. I'm sorry you're going through this, and you're right to be angry.

This is financial abuse.

Your husband is a cunt.

Get some legal advice. If you'll lose your CB because he earns too much, yet he won't share any of what he earns with the family, then you'd be better off on your own.

Tilly, my daugher was in a similar circumstance - not a bonus but the general financial situation. Finances kept separately - her having to pay for the shopping, gas, electric, council tax and all the kids needs on a part time HCA's wage and him paying the mortgage and insurances, car costs only. She doesn't drive. SHe also lost her tax credits because their joint income exceeded the threshold.

I'm afraid they separated because she was constantly short of money, kids getting cheapest of everything and he was spending hundreds of pounds a month on a stupid hobby. It took her time to realise that his selfishness was never going to get any better. It wasn't just money but time also. Spent all his money on his shed hobby and spent all his time in his shed! Wish you luck.

So you are shouldering the majority of household (inc child-related) expenses, despite being on a significantly lower wage?

The idea that one half of a couple with children should be struggling financially - while the other is comfortably off, is bonkers to me. You are a partnership, and imo you need a serious talk and a complete re-jig of your family (remind him of that word) finances.

BTW, I'm all for couple's also having their own 'funds', but the family expenses - household, children etc - should be contributed to proportionally.

He sounds a real tight-arse, sorry.

No practical advise. Does he have any good points?

I thought this is exactly why CB was created. To protect women from financially abusive wankers

for you.

your responses made me cry, because i know they are true. We've been tgether a long time, 23 years and married for 11. We've got two children together. Looking back through other years, i can see he has had bonuses every year, although not as big, i know it is taxable but out of £11k he still got £8k of it.
He's always been tight, i knew that, but i didn't realise he was so devious. In January he put the food bill on a budget as we were spendin too much, fair enough and i've been working hard to stick to it and now i find this out.
Our son is currently having driving lessons, i've paid for his theory tests (he failed the first).
When my cat got run over, i cashed in a insurance policy to pay for her operation, what a fucking mug.
i must have dumb idiot written on my forehead.

you poor thing

Despite being a complete tight arse he is very kind struggling to think of anything else at moment. Let me kind of set the record straight.
He pays the rent (he won't buy) and pays the household bills from his £38k + huge bonus.
i pay for all my own insurances, pension, dental plan (he gets it free from work for him , won't put us on it), kids clothes, shoes, haircuts, mobile phones, petrol etc from my £170 a week. I wear primark he wears designer.

Shocking, really awful. Sorry :(

Why won't he buy? It sounds like he's in a bachelor mindset and doesn't want to commit to anything... Not even you.

hence my needing the child benefit. I asked him last week if he could look in to putting some of his wage in a pension so that i don'e lose my benefits, he hasn't done anything about it, hence my looking in to it today.
i'm coming across as a bit niave, but i'm not, i'm 40, i work as a bookkeeper, i'm not stupid by any means, yet i've let this continue.

When we first lived together, we were given a housing association house, but in our own village, being totally outpriced by "second homers" we had no option. We've just stayed here. I do love it, but he won't even look in to buying, or moving up the ladder.

I'm not a benefit grabber, i've never claimed anything other than Child benefit and tax credits, didn't even have maternity benefit.

I've text him (he's at a football match) to let him know i've found out. Ths shit will hit the fan tonight.

he sounds dreadful tbh and he is treating you with a total lack of respect, if it was me i would be gutted to find he has been keeping you and the kids short of money whilst hiding it and lying about it, disgusting behaviour, i would talk to him about it and tell him you expect things to change big time, and if he refused it would be a dealbreaker for me im afraid! but tbh it would take alot for me to forgive someone for such a big deceit that has gone on for such a long time! sorry

I can't see how he could possibly justify this. There's simply no excuse for watching your family go without while you stock pile money in secret.

It's just unspeakably selfish and cruel. I couldn't be married to someone capable of doing that.

I meant 'while he stockpiles money in secret'.

I was using the abstract 'you', but it came across wrong when I read it back.

Good luck. Try and stay calm and understand what you want from him first.

i know susiedaisy, i know what i should do, my head is telling me one thing, my heart another.
I'm jsut so hurt, i'm struggling to pay off a credit card bill of £1800.00, he is totally debt free has no credit cards or anything. My extra clenaing job is paying this off, i was so chuffed last week that somebody left me a £10.00 tip, i told him straightaway! He clearly tells me nothing, i don't know anything about his job except that it stresses him out and we bear the brunt of it. (he's never violent, just moody). WE have a joing bank account that he puts money in to (when i ask, i hasten to add) for the food shopping. But i have to ask him if there is enough.

madonna, i'm starting to think that i'm not sure how much longer i can bear it. What happens when the kids leave home?
I've made his life fucking comfortable, never moaning about the long hours and the nights he has to spend away from home, his tea is always ready when he gets home, this is depsite me also working, caring for my gran who has dementia, the kids. I'm no doormat. I am very fiery, he is very quiet, if i'm pissed off he knows about it, how has it come to this. He is very like his Dad, him Mum (divorced) told me she was always short of money.

You need to have a very Big Conversation with the tight git your h, don't you? l

If he's reluctant to give the moths in his wallet a breath of fresh air come clean about his finances, look at that £8,000 as 4 grand for your pocket when you divorce the miser - and goodness knows how much more he's got stashed away to which you will be entitled to half, or possibly a 60-40 split or more in your favour including a hefty slice of his pension pot.

Visit www.womensaid.org to find your nearest office, give them a call on Monday and they'll be able to recommend solicitors who specialise in divorce and family law and who offer a free half an hour intitial consultation.

While waiting for an appointment you're best advised to undertake a spot of serious sleuthing with regards to his currently unknown bank accounts. Go through everything - his emails, phone, computer history etc to find the trail and follow it.

The thing is that if i had had that kind of money i would immediatley have given some each to the kids and done something with the rest, i don't mean waste it, but got something the family needed. I guess we were brought up differently.

I would spend some time working out the bill for the childcare you have provided for the last x years.

Oh, and the going rate for a cleaner.

And catering costs.

And half of the children's clothing.

Present it to him this evening.