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Original poster

selfish behaviour

132 replies

tillytips · 25/02/2012 15:11

Hello,

Am furious, nobody else to rant at so am typing furiously, please forgive any spelling mistakes.
I have just found out that my husband had a bonus from work two years ago of £11k and never said a word. Not a thing. I was looking for a P60 as im trying to figure out if i'll lose my child benefit next year and i came across a wage slip from April 2010.
I am devastated. I cant work full time because of school runs etc etc, so i work part time, i've lost my tax credits because he earns too much and will now lose my child benefit. This comes directly to me as my "wage" if you like for nto being able to work full time. so i'm going to lose all that. I've taken on a clening job so i can make ends meet and then i find this out.
We ahve seperate bank accounts, i struggle constantly, he clearly doesn't, i pay for the kids stuff, phones etc out of my meagre wages.

This has always been a problem, whilst i was pregnant and couldn't work (self employed at the time) he didn't give me a single penny, my parents bought me maternity clothes as he wouldn't. I went back to work when my baby was two weeks old.

I've no idea where the money is, he is famously tight as a ducks arse, so its sitting somewhere in one of his numerous bank accounts, he certainly hasn't spent it. He doesn't buy anthing ever, and we don't go on holiday.

Don't get me wrong i'm not expecting him to have given it to me but not telling me is unforgiveable.

I've supported him and his job for a long time, he works away from home a lot and i'm left to do everything by myself. He has been suffering from stress recently and i found out he was confiding in a female work colleague, i knew nothing about the situation as he doesn't tell me anything. I let that go because of his health, but this has been the final straw today.

Ok, rant over.

OP posts:
DamnDeDoubtance · 26/02/2012 10:10

How did it go op?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2012 10:26

Tilly

No point talking to Scrooge; it won't work and he'll talk you down. He has and continues to abuse you; like all abuses financial abuse is about power and control

I would advise you to see two people now:-

  1. Solicitor due to the ongoing financial abuse he has given you and the children
  2. Forensic Accountant; they will find out where all his money is. He is not that bloody clever.

Re an earlier comment of yours:-
"i can't just jack it in like that, it's 23 years of my life"

I certainly endorse Izzy's response to you and in bears repeating:-
"All of the years of your life will always be with you - but you're more than capable of managing on your own and you don't need to go into the future with a tight-fisted mean-minded twat.

In fact, you could look on those 23 years as an investment because your enforced parsimony will have paid off once you get your mitts on half, or more, of what he's got stashed away".

What do you get out of this relationship now?

Tilly you have a choice re this tosser at the end of the day; your children do not. What do you want to teach them about relationships, he is damaging his childrens well being by his actions.

BlankFrank · 26/02/2012 12:13

FFS please get rid of him - he is garbage. I could go on. Really angry on your behalf. "Jack it in" and take the money, do it.

Every time you feel like giving in, think about how much he helped when your cat got run over. What a cunt.

MardyArsedMidlander · 26/02/2012 13:18

Interestingly, my tight as a nat's chuff ex also refused to ever buy anywhere and stayed stuck in his housing association flat, because he was paranoid that if we split he'd have to give me half the money.
It doesn't sound like this man has acutally been IN the marriage for 23 years- all he seems to have done is build up a running away fund and live as a single man.

Solo · 26/02/2012 13:21

How old are your children?

FabbyChic · 26/02/2012 13:26

If you divorce you get half of what he has including his pension, tell him that, tell him that thanks for saving for me honey cos when I fuck you off you tight bastard I get half of everything you have so I grateful you have been so tight cos Im going to be well off.

What a prize cunt, Id stab him too the shit.

Original poster
tillytips · 26/02/2012 16:44

Well, can't say too much as he is here and i've got a fantastic headache!
Basically i told him i'm not putting up with it anymore, i asked him to find somewhere else to live from tomorrow. He won't go. he said he is not having his kids in a broken home, (his parents divorced when he was 11).

He had no excuse for not telling me about the large bonus, only that he assumed i knew as i fill out the tax credits form. I've not had tax credits for over two years.

He immediatly offered to pay off my credit card bill, at this stage i have said no as i don't want him to be "buying" me to stay, he's transferred the amount to our shopping account and told me to take it. He has done that so is for real, i checked.
He also said that if i lose child benefit he will set up a direct debit to give me the same amount as i would be losing.
If is stay it is on my terms.

He talked last night about going to relate, iasked him to do this about two years ago and he refused.

Our daughter is devastated, she has spent the day in her room, crying.
He slept on the sofa last night.

He told me he loved me (which to be fair ,he does do almost every day), i told him i'd taken advice, didn't tell him from the MUmsnet crew, and that the general consensus was that he was a prick and that he'd been abusing me for years.
he agreed.

I don't know what i will do yet, he'll never change i know that, but i think the thought of losing me has shaken him up

OP posts:
Original poster
tillytips · 26/02/2012 16:44

our kids are 17 and 12.

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 26/02/2012 16:48

Haven't read the whole thing, but pleas, if you haven't already, photocopy everything NOW.

If you don't he will destroy the evidence and if you do separate he will deny ever receiving the extra money.

This is just the sort of man who hides his assets in order to avoid paying maintenance.

TooEasilyTempted · 26/02/2012 16:48

He also said that if i lose child benefit he will set up a direct debit to give me the same amount as i would be losing.

Not enough. Nowhere near enough.

Tbh I'd be demanding one joint account that both salaries get paid into, and all savings in joint names.

HepHep · 26/02/2012 16:55

i told him i'd taken advice, didn't tell him from the MUmsnet crew, and that the general consensus was that he was a prick and that he'd been abusing me for years.
he agreed.

That tells you all you need to know. He'll never change, he knows what he is doing, he was just hoping you'd never stand up to him and he could coast under the radar. These aren't the actions of a nice man or someone you would want to be with.
I went though similar, it never got better, I left. Feel bitter now about being pregnant, broke and miserable while he earned well. I'll never get that time back :(

I repeat, he'll never change. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

KikiLeith · 26/02/2012 16:59

As his legal wife are you not able to access his account statements? I'd do that before making any moves to leave. You deserve so much more. What a selfish prick.

madonnawhore · 26/02/2012 17:01

Even when he admits he's been financially abusing you for decades, and even when faced with the reality of losing you and the DCs, he STILL only offers you the bare minimum - to match your CB.

That's a pathetic gesture. Insulting, in fact.

You've made a breakthrough here OP. I really think the next step is getting him out of the house so that you can have some real space to think properly about what you want to do long term.

And he should be the one to leave. He can stay in a hotel and pay for it out of his secret stash. Been saving it for a rainy day has he? Well, the rainy day is here, dickhead.

ImperialBlether · 26/02/2012 17:04

OP, do you realise how it would be if you lived without this man? Your children are older and pretty soon they'll both be at university or in work and living with friends. Imagine the two of you together, you broke and him well off. Think about it.

Now think of all the cleaning jobs you've done, whilst he's been buying designer clothes. You've worried and worried about money, haven't you? He hasn't. He knows you have, doesn't he? You've spoken to him about it.

He's deprived you and your children deliberately and regularly over the years. It's unforgivable.

I agree with the poster above. You need a solicitor and a forensic accountant. He may well love you, but if this is how he treats people he loves, then are you sure you want him?

catsmother · 26/02/2012 17:07

If you know he'll never change - despite half-cocked gestures to give you bits and bobs of extra money here and there (which isn't really the point) - then unfortunately, there you have your answer. As I said before, I think the trust is gone and that's so vital.

Did he make any attempt to explain why he's behaved as he has ? Never mind him assuming you "knew" - notwithstanding your apparent amnesia, that still doesn't explain how he's stood by for years and watched as you've struggled, not only to meet a disproprtionate portion of bills, but also to buy stuff for the children. It doesn't explain how he thought it was okay for you to buy clothes in budget stores (unless you wanted to of course, nothing wrong with that - but if buying there because you had no other choice that's entirely different) whilst only designer gear was good enough for him. Doesn't explain how he insisted on a food budget while he had savings - etc etc etc.

I'd concentrate on gathering as much evidence of all this as I possibly could -regardless of what you eventually decide to do. Then you're better prepared whatever.

fabwoman · 26/02/2012 17:07

I am a SAHM and DH works full time. We have a joint account and I have my own account. I can use any account I want. I don't know what financial plans DH has but it isn't a problem as no one goes without, the kids have shoes and clothes that fit and he pays the vets bills for the cat without a worry. If he gets a bonus he immediately gives me half. We are a partnership, a team and a family. You and your children deserve better than this and you owe it to your grandchildren to not teach their parents that this is how a marriage is.

Chandon · 27/02/2012 07:32

my husband doe snot "give me half" of his bonus, but he tells me how much it is, and puts it in a savings account, and then we keep it their or take some out if we need it (home improvement)

Chandon · 27/02/2012 07:33

doe snot????!

does not!

fabwoman · 27/02/2012 10:06

DH gives me half to spend on fun things or anything I want - I save some too - as it isn't often we can just treat ourselves with more than a few pounds.

Heleninahandcart · 27/02/2012 10:41

tilly I have just read a previous post from you about your DH behaviour, it was clearly financial abuse then and you had already recognised it as unacceptable. You were prepared to stand firm then and clearly he has not changed.

The sad thing is this post was from 2008. How much more of your life do you want to waste living like this? How will you feel in another 4 years, 8 years.... It's time for action so you can lead the life you deserve.

Original poster
tillytips · 27/02/2012 16:23

Shit, i've just re-read that, forgot all about that one. Well, leopards clearly don't change their spots do they? AT least my story is consistent.
He's being extremley nice to me at the moment, i'm really not speaking to him.
He's still on the sofa.

He's asked me twice now if i still intend to get legal advice from somewhere and also if i will go to relate.
Half of me wants to print this lot off and let him read it.
I certainly need some advice, i've had enough.

OP posts:
catsmother · 27/02/2012 16:29

Tilly ... if I was you I'd get all the advice I can first and don't show him this thread. Several of us advise gathering evidence etc. ..... if he hasn't already thought of it, that might prompt him to start hiding (more) stuff.

Relate - or similar - on your own might not be a bad idea too, before (if?) you embark on couples counselling.

Original poster
tillytips · 27/02/2012 16:47

just tried to talk with live chat on relate, but nobody available until after 7pm.
I've taken the bank details of the accounts i can. but he does everything online and his wage slips are now sent via his work intranet thing.

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 27/02/2012 16:53

People who fear divorce do hide their money

I'd be tempted carefully to track the accounts and work out how much money is in them before you say anything to your DH. In fact I think it's essential here.

schobe · 27/02/2012 16:54

He's probably shitting himself as he knows how much more it would cost him if you divorced him. You're a cheap date at the moment.

Money may still be his first love. Imo, get the legal advice and find out roughly how much he would have to pay in child support, maintenance, pension etc. Then add a bit for all the savings that he is probably hiding from you but the solicitors would find out about. Then at least you both know what sort of lifestyle you should actually be having whether together or apart.

It's up to you to decide which is the more appealing.