selfish behaviour

[tillytips]

Hello,

Am furious, nobody else to rant at so am typing furiously, please forgive any spelling mistakes.
I have just found out that my husband had a bonus from work two years ago of £11k and never said a word. Not a thing. I was looking for a P60 as im trying to figure out if i'll lose my child benefit next year and i came across a wage slip from April 2010.
I am devastated. I cant work full time because of school runs etc etc, so i work part time, i've lost my tax credits because he earns too much and will now lose my child benefit. This comes directly to me as my "wage" if you like for nto being able to work full time. so i'm going to lose all that. I've taken on a clening job so i can make ends meet and then i find this out.
We ahve seperate bank accounts, i struggle constantly, he clearly doesn't, i pay for the kids stuff, phones etc out of my meagre wages.

This has always been a problem, whilst i was pregnant and couldn't work (self employed at the time) he didn't give me a single penny, my parents bought me maternity clothes as he wouldn't. I went back to work when my baby was two weeks old.

I've no idea where the money is, he is famously tight as a ducks arse, so its sitting somewhere in one of his numerous bank accounts, he certainly hasn't spent it. He doesn't buy anthing ever, and we don't go on holiday.

Don't get me wrong i'm not expecting him to have given it to me but not telling me is unforgiveable.

I've supported him and his job for a long time, he works away from home a lot and i'm left to do everything by myself. He has been suffering from stress recently and i found out he was confiding in a female work colleague, i knew nothing about the situation as he doesn't tell me anything. I let that go because of his health, but this has been the final straw today.

Ok, rant over.

I'm almost lost for words.

Okay .... there's no one set rule about how finances should be managed but I can't think of a single excuse as to why this set up is in any way right or fair. He obviously thinks he's more deserving of nice things - and financial security - than either you, his wife, or his own children. It's not even as if - or else presumably you'd know about it - that he's tight spending money, but is saving for a specific, and family related, purpose, like putting the kids through uni or saving for a deposit on a house to buy (rather than rent).

It's just disgusting that he can watch his nearest and dearest struggle to make ends meet, whilst spending money on unnecessary stuff like designer clothes for him. I know some people are naturally miserly but it's not as simple as that is it ..... it's not like HE is also going without. What an arrogant selfish bastard.

As to what to do .... think I wouldn't say anything yet, because you can bet that he'll probably be very angry and most likely take steps from now on to cover his tracks more carefully and/or lie about accounts, earnings. If I was you I'd be concentrating on gathering as much evidence as I could - payslips, P60s, statements and so on, then I'd be seeking legal advice so that I was forearmed before I decided what to do next re: staying or leaving. I'm not sure you'd be any worse off were you to split TBH .... your CB and tax credits would be restored, and you may get HB too towards renting on your own. He'd also have to pay child mainetainance, and wherever he's squirelled away money - you'd also be entitled to half of that as it'd be marital assets.

I can't see that if he's been like this all these years that he'd change now. This is such a big thing ... not just hiding bonuses but refusing to equalise your respective incomes so neither is left at a disadvantage compared to the other. Plus, of course, if you've been expected to shoulder all child related expense out of your much lesser income that also means that HIS children have almost certainly missed out on a better standard of living because he's so revoltingly mean. Most couples, unless they earn almost identical wages, either pool everything, pay all bills and expenses out of that and then divvy up what's left equally, or, they each pay a proportional sum towards bills relative to what they each earn.

He may give the impression of being "kind" but believe me, anyone who sees his wife and kids go without unnecessarily, and/or stands by while his wife stresses out trying to earn a bit of extra cash is absolutely NOT kind. I am so so sorry .... I don't know how you'd ever come back from something like this, it's such a massive betrayal of trust but it's also more than that - it's about how he sees you and the children in comparism to him.

izzy, i've jsut looked at his bank accounts, he stopped receivng paper statements in 2010, all done online so i can't access it.
i know he has £20k in another account. My bank statement is £70.00 in credit. I got paid yesterday.

tilly I don't think you should have to bear it.

I realise it's very easy for me to type from my sofa that you should leave your marriage. But what you're describing isn't a partnership. You're describing a pathologically selfish man who's financially abusing his family.

I don't understand how he can live with himself.

You said up thread he was very kind, but his actions speak of someone who's completely the opposite. He sounds very unkind indeed.

What does he actually contribute to the family?

Tilly, I really feel for you. Only you can decide where to go from here but hold on to that anger until he gets home and let him feel the full force of it. How dare he do this to you and his own children!

I'm starting to feel guilty about slagging him off, but it isn't fair is it?

X posted. Have read you've now told him.

Good luck with the talk later. I don't envy you that one little bit because I think he'll get extremely angry and defensive.

Yes ... agree that any normal, nice, kind person would use "extra" money for the benefit of their family. Looks like only one of you has been taking your marriage vows seriously.

Why on earth are YOU feeling guilty?

He's really done a number on you hasn't he?

oh ,he knows i'm mad, i text him and told him i knew and that if he came home now i'd stab him. lol. I told him i've had enough of being treated like a twat and that this was a sham of a marriage. TBH if he left, allhe would take with him was the telly and hsi designer clothes, everything else i've paid for (for the family though, not jsut for me)

Re: the details of his bank accounts ..... if, eventually, you were to divorce, he would have to produce P60s, statements and so forth as part of the financial disclosure. He's supposed to declare all accounts held. That's why it's important you must try and get as much info as you can so you can challenge his version of events if needs be.

Your heart's telling you something different to your head?

Block your ears, honey, because this tight git cares more for money than he does about you or his dc.

Frankly, if he's not prepared to give you 4 grand now, today, which, btw, is unlikely to leave him short, make it a deal breaker as in 'half your money or the cosy comfy life I've made for you'.

He won't be angry, he doesn't ever raise his voice, he'll ignore me if anything, i'll be sent to Coventry.
I shout and throw things when i'm mad.
He doesn't speak.

There's far better ways of stabbing him than with a knife, honey - save the blade for the inner seams of his designer gear

Stab the tight git where it'll really hurt him - in the wallet.

Tilly even if you can't see the account balances because they are online make sure you have the sort codes and account numbers. So that that if he tries to hide them should the worst happens, you know what you are looking for. You are married you are entitled to half and half his pension but get the details now before he comes home.

cross post with catsmother - do it now knowledge is power.

You'll be sent to Coventry?

Given what you've said, and the length of time you've been struggling to make ends meet, he should think himself lucky if you don't send him into orbit around planet offufuck.

If you're going throw anything at him, make sure it's his telly so that'll be one less thing he has to pay to remove from the house

izzy, i know what you are saying, i can't just jack it in like that, it's 23 years of my life. Oh god do i know that i've been taken for a fool, don't be worried about that.He's certainly got his priorities wrong and he knows that i am spitting fucking mad.
He's worrying because i have just had this text

i didn't keep it from you. You know aht i get, it was all part of loads of people getting a pay rise and certain people didn't above a certain grade. Do you wnat me to come home and talk to you now?

I told him to fuck himself.

izzy, you've made me laugh, first time today!

Tilly, just to give you a reference point, for a lot of families it is normal to have a joined bank account from which ALL family expenses such as rent, bills, kids clothes, insurance etc. Are paid. Whoever in the marriage earns more, would also contribute more into the joint account. Most people would find this a normal set up.

Please do not be a martyr, but have a talk! Try to think what you would like to achieve with the t alk, write it down, eg a joined account with enough money to cover family monthly outgoings and a proper apology/explanation. Having an argument that you "win" but doesn't chnage anything is not a victory for you.

Also look into a pension for yourself, and financial security for your own future.

Do not feel guilty. I cannot believe that you have debt and he has money stashed away???

Sorry but you would be better of in every respect without him.

To be honest you should read him the riot act tonight. He needs to change if he values your marriage.

i have a pension chandon, but financial security is something i don't have. I know how it should work, i have done for a longtime, but i've always just put it down to "tight bastard, but thats how it is" but this huge bonus has just about finished me off.
If he's jsut told me, he wouldn't have spent it i know, he puts things into isas, what he would consider being a responsible thing to do. If i'd known

Two facts that I think you need to digest, right now:

1. He isn't kind - he is a selfish, miserly, cruel PIG of a man who puts himself first, second, third, fourth before his family - hell, love, he has no understanding of what family even means, clearly. He's a bastard out for himself.

1. You are married - so stop right now with the 'his accounts' 'his money' etc. half of what he 'has' is YOURS. He's a thief, basically.

And, and - friendships with women at work??

I will tell you what I fear will happen if you do not act now, and I mean ACT, not bawl him out and 'ask' him to change things. When your kids leave home, or perhaps before that, at some point he will bail. He will bail because his only concern is himself, and you mean jack shit to him and he will move on when he does, finally, have an affair. When he bails, he will leave you financially fucked. He is making sure right now that within your relationship, you are already financially fucked, in fact - he has 20k in savings BECAUSE HE STEALS FROM YOU AND HIS KIDS EVERY DAY. You have a credit card bill BECAUSE YOUR HUSBAND STEALS THE JOUNT MONEY.

Before he gets home:

• take that statement and hide it WELL. Get it copied right now if you can.

• you know about the 20k account - get proof of that too.

• insurances, pension etc. copy all financial details that you can.

When and only when you have done this, tell him that you are going to file for divorce unless his financial abuse ceases. All savings half and half. All money into joint account.

Bawl him out all you like tonight but don't expect anything but the threat of losing his precious first and most important love - his money - to have any effect.

Better still, forget the conversation and just get to a solicitor. You - the main carer - will get to stay in the house and will be awarded the majority of all assets, you do realise this? Personally I would see this as the most effective way to get back the money that's been stolen from me over the years. And it has the added benefit of not having to share a bed with a lying, stealing, cheating toe rag.

What do your kids think about the fast that you earn less but pay more?

My 7 year old would notice if daddy wore designer and I wore primart.

fact, no fast!

the kids joke that if you want anything you ask Mum, they don't know about this bonus however, but i will tell them, whether that is the right thing to do or not i don't know.

we only had a conversation last week about the lottery millions.
Oldest child said if mum won she'd make lots of people millionaires, if Dad won...well we know what he would do