selfish behaviour

[tillytips]

Hello,

Am furious, nobody else to rant at so am typing furiously, please forgive any spelling mistakes.
I have just found out that my husband had a bonus from work two years ago of £11k and never said a word. Not a thing. I was looking for a P60 as im trying to figure out if i'll lose my child benefit next year and i came across a wage slip from April 2010.
I am devastated. I cant work full time because of school runs etc etc, so i work part time, i've lost my tax credits because he earns too much and will now lose my child benefit. This comes directly to me as my "wage" if you like for nto being able to work full time. so i'm going to lose all that. I've taken on a clening job so i can make ends meet and then i find this out.
We ahve seperate bank accounts, i struggle constantly, he clearly doesn't, i pay for the kids stuff, phones etc out of my meagre wages.

This has always been a problem, whilst i was pregnant and couldn't work (self employed at the time) he didn't give me a single penny, my parents bought me maternity clothes as he wouldn't. I went back to work when my baby was two weeks old.

I've no idea where the money is, he is famously tight as a ducks arse, so its sitting somewhere in one of his numerous bank accounts, he certainly hasn't spent it. He doesn't buy anthing ever, and we don't go on holiday.

Don't get me wrong i'm not expecting him to have given it to me but not telling me is unforgiveable.

I've supported him and his job for a long time, he works away from home a lot and i'm left to do everything by myself. He has been suffering from stress recently and i found out he was confiding in a female work colleague, i knew nothing about the situation as he doesn't tell me anything. I let that go because of his health, but this has been the final straw today.

Ok, rant over.

Good luck op, I wish you all the best.

I also want to add that my own experience with some one who dosnt really think, just to add another perspective to this.

He is a relative of mine and he is awful with money. He will spend it all on himself and none of it on his children or grandchildren (i.e he got himself a brand new car and didnt even get his DGD a birthday card.) Thing is, he isnt doing it to be abusive, he litrelly just dose not think. he is the sweetest loveliest man and he wouldnt harm a fly but he is terrible with money and it has caused alot of family issues for his children but again, he has no idea what hes doing, regardless of when people bring it up.

xx

Chrono - many abusers are often very charming and polite - just because they have a lovely exterior, it does not means they are incapable of emotional or financial abuse. He sounds extremely selfish and very uncaring about the impact its having on his family.

My relative is not abusive in the slightest, just a dopey fucking idiot. its easy for you to say hes abusive, however ive known him all my life as have my cousins and i can safely say he isnt at all.

Tilly I've come back after 6 months and not one person on the thread I've resurrected (about working out what's fair financially in a marriage) has said "told you so".

(thank you so much to mumsnet for not doing so!)

Good luck.

Chron - your rellie sounds like my FIL, he too was a spendthrift causing huge problems for his family and everyone said he was very charming and sweet. His daughter cut him out of her life when she saw the light about his selfish abuse of their trust and security which caused a lot of family issues and damaged her childhood.

Good luck OP.

I don't think it's fair to say that you've been 'bullied', tilly.

If you canvas views on any anonymous internet site you're going to get varying opinions, some of which maybe stronger than others and all of which you are free to ignore at your peril.

I haven't suggested that you divorce him - but I have suggested that you threaten to divorce him for his unreasonable behaviour if he doesn't come clean about the money he's stashed away for years while you've been struggling to make ends meet.

It's about seizing the moment, honey, and at the moment you are in a powerful position to bring about some long overdue changes in the way your family's income is administered.

I'm disapppointed that he transferred the exact sum needed to clear your credit card debt... as I see it, if he had any intention of relaxing his tightly drawn purse strings he'd have at least rounded the sum up to 2 grand and added a grand as a gesture of 'goodwill'.

IMO you're best advised to let your head rule your heart until you have ensured that he's provided full disclosure of your joint savings and that you have equal say in how these sums are administered both now and in the future.

If he won't agree to your request(s), Relate may be the way to go - providing he's paying

Good luck - hope you'll come back with an update.

Half of family disposable income is yours.

Settle for NOTHING less

And he can pay off your debt too because he should have in the first place.